I Need Help Moms.....

There's a great book called "When Dinosaurs Divorce"- most local libraries carry this series. I would go get it and read it with him regularly. By talking about the dinosaur family, you can open a dialogue with him on his vocabulary level without discussing your situation (which is highly emotional). At the end of the story, talk with your son about the different characters and the emotions that they expressed. Then link it to your own emotions. Tell him that you love him and that you get sad when he's away and that you get very excited when it gets close to the time you will see him again. Keep repeating the same message and he will understand.

As for not taking advantage of you... keep the household rules consistent. He will test the limits b/c he's a kid and a new family structure may translate into "new rules" in his mind. Depending on your relationship with his father, I would suggest having this conversation together with your son. He's little, so keep it short and to-the-point. He'll only take advantage if you let him!

Just keep reassuring him that you both love him very much, and you will always be there for him. Kids ALWAYS think it's their fault when parents split, so never make him choose sides, and be civil to and supportive of your ex. Never criticize him or his choices, always make him out to be the best daddy possible. If he's not, your son will come to see it, but don't be the one to take that love and respect away. You will not regret it, and your son will love you for it.

Be honest. Validate his feelings of him wanting you and dad together, but explain to him in simple terms that you and dad tried, but it did not work, so now you and dad want to try this. Be confident in what you are saying - that this is what you want. There are some great books out there for parents and kids: Dinosaur Divorce, Koko Bear and Divorce, Divorced but still my Parents, etc. I know it is easy to say that you should not feel guilty, but children are resilient.
Good luck,
C.

I love Nancy B's response. As a marriage and family therapist I have to tell you that what your son is doing is completely typical. He doesn't understand abstract ideas only their concrete effect on him. All children want their parents together. He is definitely picking up on your sadness when he goes to his dad. You need to learn to deal with it more productively because this is one of the consequences of divorce. At his age, he will internalize that somehow he is responsible. You do not want this to happen. Get some help with your guilt. It is unproductive for you and potentially damaging to your son. Good luck.

I would just talk with him. Let him know what is going on, that you are sad, and that it is okay that he is sad too. Maybe do Skype for the parent that isn't there? Giving him an idea of what is going on (a rundown of the schedule) each day can help give him an idea of what to expect.

First, take care of yourself. I know how stressful these past months have been for you and you need to be there for Oliver. Counseling or at least talking with other people can help you learn to process the myriad of feelings you are having and will have.

Second, yeah, you are going to want to spoil him more and let him get away with things that he shouldn't due to the guilt. However, you do know that is not in his best interest, so just try to be as consistent as possible with him. Not fair, I know, as Daddy will probably not enforce rules like Mommy does, but you are doing it in his best interest so keep on doing it.

Third, absolutely he will pick up on your emotions. Not telling you not to feel that way but just try to remain as upbeat as you can for him.They are such little sponges right now. This goes back to number one, seek counseling or at least support for yourself through this rough time.

GL and hang in there! I know it can seem hopeless at times but it will get better with time.