Advice on Talking to Toddler About Separation

Hi K., I had to think hard before responding to your e-mail, I found it contracting in a couple places. but that's another topic. My family almost went through what your family is going through, there are no comforting words for this 3 year old child. When my husband and I were at about our 13 year he retired from the Navy, and although we did all the classes together that are in place to help you adjust, we still felt the impact of less money, him always home, we have 3 kids all now grown, but when they were all still in elementary school, our home wasn't the way it was supposed to be, we got with some people from a church, who helped us the way someone helped them when they went through their rough path, a woman from the church told me, if our love for our kids were stronger than our, anger, disappointment, for each other then we could make it work, it got me to thinking, do we really want to tear our children's family apart, I'm telling you, we were like, this is a family, good, bad or different we were going to stay a family, our kids always had a great home life, and we were not about to take that away from them. Here we are married for 28 years, kids are now 25, 22 and almost 20. It sounds to me like you still love your husband, you both should watch the movie Fireproof together. Let me leave you with something that you may not have thought about, it's not fair to try and rectify your own pain and unhappiness, by causing another person pain and unhappiness, that's what you and your husband have done to your little girl. I have see what divorce and separation does to a small child, through running my daycare, I'm not coming down on you, I just hate to hear about family's giving up. Had we did that we would never know the joy and happiness that we have back.
Love your little girl, children rely on adults to responsible so they can feel loved, safe and secure, your daughter is probably acting out because to her, those 3 things don't exist anymore.

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K.,

I just wanted to share with you...I've been out of the relationship with my son's Dad since I was three months preggers and he's on the same path as your husband. But, with all the love and TRYING in the world, nothing can change the feelings once they've turned.

Today, almost 4 years later I am in therapy. We were going together, but he couldn't handle it. So, I go now and when my son is old enough to understand, I want him to go too. It's important to have an outlet for those feelings and someone to listen...since your little girl is being so affected by this change I would find her someone ASAP. Meet with them first and ASK every question in the book. My therapist recommended waiting until after my son was four to start, but he never knew Daddy and Mommy together...so we wait.

I think the best way to look at this, is it's like a grieving process and your child is young and still learning emotions and how identify them and use them. This new situation doesn't add up for her and she needs guidance away from the anger and a way to express it creatively and not against you. I know when my son has had a bad day with Daddy, because Mommy gets hit and yelled at and then we hug and talk about what he's feeling (even if he can't tell me everything yet) and I try to help him understand that it's okay to be frustrated or mad or sad or whatever.

Just be patient and loving and be there for her. One of the things my therapist had me do with my son was sit down and draw pictures of Mommy's House and Daddy's House and who lives there...and talked about how much everyone loves my son and then, we marked days on the calendar when he gets to see his Dad so he knows when he's going and coming. It has helped ease his frustration about visitation and feeling confused about where he's going.

I just wish you the best in this...it's so hard to make this choice, but in the end you do what you have to do for your sanity and your child's best interest. Good Luck!

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I would advise getting her some counseling....for divorce.
The thing is... you don't want her acting out to escalate or become permanent... and having an outside person to help and explain and to make things more manageable for her, would really help.

My friend, did this for her 2 daughters at about the same age, when she had a divorce... and she said it was the SMARTEST thing she did for her girls. Although she is a great educated Mom... some things were just beyond her capacity to help each phase and difficulty her girls went through.

All the best to you,
Susan

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What is happening will affect your child forever. Think carefully about divorcing and make your husband look at how selfish this is. Your child will NEVER recover from a divorce. She may turn out okay but there are consequences to this that are far beyond your understanding at this time.
My children are suffering and have suffered from the divorce from their father. I am not saying you should stay, that is not my decision to make. However, there is no cure for the effects that your daughter will feel. She will blame you for him not being there and she will blame herself. Be careful what you do, you will pay a price in the future in some way. My sons are 29 years old and we are still struggling with this problem. We are only now becoming close again and in a relationship that has trust in it. Please don't think that I blame you for anything. Again that is not my place. I only speak from experience with my children. Your husband is very selfish with his drinking, mine did the same thing only he was not nice. Try to find a way to let him see this. Alcoholism is a selfish thing, not an illness. He escapes to his drunken world to make it easier for him. No one is hopless, some just choose not to hope. I pray you find solace in your decisions, any that you make come with baggage.

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HI K.,
I just finished reading a book called "The Emotional Life of the Toddler"by Alicia Lieberman and I thought it had a great chapter on helping toddlers deal with divorce from an emotional angle.
Best of luck in this difficult time,
S.

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Hi K.,
I am sorry for what you are going through. I was reading some of your responses and I think that people have been a little harsh about your daughter NEVER forgiving you and getting through this. EVERY situation in unique and your daughter may be just fine. My parents divorced when I was a baby and I have FINE. I have friends whose parents divorced and they are FINE too. My mom was glad to get my dad out and not have his bad influences on me. I think that was a good decision. I never knew any different and I love how I grew up. Your daughter is so young and at first it will be hard for her, but soon she will be used to it and most likely when she is older, she will never remember you two being together.
Good luck, and with two loving parents, your daughter will be fine. She would probably have more issues as an adult if you two stayed together.
good luck

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Little girls almost always are hopelessly in love with their dad, and frequently view Mom as a rival. In any disagreement between parents, they'll assume that Mom is wrong and their adored Daddy is right. (This is true often even if Dad HAS been abusive or absent. It has very little to do with the parents' personalities.) So, right now your daughter is undoubtedly feeling that you made Daddy leave against his will, and she resents it. When you try to comfort her during a tantrum, it makes her even worse because she's furious at you. Hard as it may be, when she has a meltdown just make her go (or take her) to a designated spot - her bed, the sofa - and let her melt down. Don't sit next to her or talk to her, just go on about your business. As you've seen, when she WANTS comforted she'll come to you.

Since you feel responsible for her feelings, it'll make it easy for you to allow her feelings to control you. Remember, her feelings atre her own, and she's entitled to them, but you are entitled to yours. You don't have to agree or even understand each other to be respectful of one another. She can't understand adult decisions because she's not an adult.

Just keep telling her that both parents love her, and that you and her dad do love each other, but it's best for adults to decide, for adult reasons, when they can or can't live together. And really, the more you try to explain, the more confused she'll be, so keep it SUPER SIMPLE with phrases like, "adult reasons." Don't try to define the reasons for her.

On another note, living with an addict of any kind is exhausting and deeply disapointing. If the addict is charming and sweet, their loved ones often feel guilty for being angry or disappointed. Even other friends or relatives might not understand how trying to build a stable home with an addict is like trying to build a house out of sand. They wonder how bad it can be if he's not violent or a thief. DO NOT LET ANY OF THAT MAKE YOU SECOND GUESS YOURSELF. Recovering addicts can be wonderful partners and parents, but as long as they are actively engaged in pursuing the addiction and putting it first, nothing you do can make up for that. You have done not only what is best for you and your daughter, but for your husband as well.

God bless!!

Okay take a breath. She will be okay. So will you. Be absolutely positive you are going to divorce before you tell her anything along those lines. I had 6m,3y,7y when I divorced. The 7 was female and WAY beyond her years, and hit the hardest. A good book, 5 love languages for children by Gary Chapman (great series for all ages!) You will understand how she receives love. Makes a BIG difference. You can do counselling, I did after 2 years and it made a BIG difference for my daughter. Be sure not to "dote" over her, keep in mind she is only 3. She does not understand everything and it is a temper tantrum regardless the reason, just be patient with her, eventually she will stop or you put your foot down, the sooner you get her into a routine the sooner she will settle down, with routine there is security and stability. Two things toddlers NEED and thrive on. Let her call dad, see him and get a routine with that as well, but hopefully you two can work it out to be flexible. My kids are good, dad played head games ALOT, it has been a very hard road, and kids are smart and very aware of the things their parents are feeling and hiding. Don't lie, but be careful about what you tell her at this age, she can only absorb so much. Don't let anyone tell her anything about her father that is not positive or reassuring at this time. Even talking with other people while she is in the same HOUSE, is not a good idea.A good book for you is "winning your husband back before it is to late" Gary Smalley....don't be fooled by the title, I read it and it does alot for your SELF! good luck, if you need to talk e-mail me.

Divorce is not easy for anyone, but that is no reason to not go through with it. You have a very valid reason for divorcing your husband. It sounds as if you have both tried and given this a great deal of thought. Counseling would be great for your daughter. If she is as advanced as you say, she would benefit from a third party in dealing with her feelings. Take your time in finding someone you trust. You might get someone to talk to yourself. This is a very stressful time. Be kind to yourself and just assure your daughter that you will be there for her and that you both love her very much. It's ok to let her know that you are also sad that this is happening.

I would agree to get her counseling, just be very picky with who you send her to. Go see the counselor yourself several times, and make it clear what is going on with you, and your husband, and the behavior she is showing at home. My mom sent us kids to counseling when we were kids because she thought we would benefit since we lived in a home with an alcoholic dad (also unabusive), but it was awful. The couselor actually told me (at 8 yrs of age) that my dad loved alcohol more than he loved me, and that's why I was there to talk to her. I think that comment could have been kept to herself - all said and done, my parents stayed together and if I had not been sent to counseling I never would have known there was a problem - the problem was more with my mom's unacceptance and intolerance of my dad's choices - he still went to work and provided for his family, he still came to all the soccer games and band concerts and tucked me in at night, he just was not the husband she wanted. In later years I think she just decided to let it go, and they found a way to live together in quiet disagreement on the drinking issue. SO, just be very protective of your daughter and the choices you make for WHO helps you and her through this. Other than that, you have to expect her behavior to be very strange and probably out of hand for a while - three year olds are pretty tough anyway without added drama to their lives! All the counseling and talking in the world will not make her world what she previously knew it to be, so even if it's all helping, she will STILL act out and probably continue with the tantrums and night terrors for some time - unfortunately there is no quick fix here. I will be praying for you all - God will get you all through this, just give it time.

How sad... I'm so sorry you and your little one are going through this. Have you tried Al-anon? I know that maybe it is too late but it changed my mom's life and my parent's marriage. Al-anon meetings are to help the loved ones of alcoholics. Does your daughter get to see daddy? Maybe daddy can watch your daughter at your house while you get a chance to run errands and that will feel more like time with daddy but maintain the separation of parents idea. I don't know - good luck this will be a challenge for all of you.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hardship in your life right now. It is heartbreaking to see such a change in the life of a little 3 yr old girl. My daughter who turned 3 this past January recently went through the same thing, albeit not for the same reasons, but a big change in their life, i think, is what triggers these night terrors and daily tantrums, and overall, a complete change in their personality. My daughter used to be a very easy-going, well-behaved 3 yr old, and during her first 2 yrs of life, never threw any kind of tantrum. We were lucky enough to work out a schedule which allowed us to care for her at home instead of a daycare. In March of last year, we had another daughter and needless to say, the CHANGE began. We were very careful to include our older daughter in everything we did for the baby and there were really no jealousies or sibling rivalry of any sort noted. Right before she turned 3, in December,we decided it was time to start her in preschool. She was sick alot because of this and so was the whole family. In January and Feb. were the worst months. Preschool triggered such a personality shift in her that my husband and I started questioning ourselves if we started her too early? This experience was her first that she isn't under our care. Illness combined with the change in routine and environment (despite her going to school just twice a week) and all of a sudden she was not acting herself. She became very defiant, always saying NO to everything, refused to listen, acted like a completely different child, night terrors, and what seemed like hourly tantrums. Anyway, it got so bad that we both felt we couldn't care for her without losing our minds!!! Spoke to the pediatrician and the school and both said it will pass and is normal. She became clingy to me and would refuse to sleep at all!!! She wanted to sleep with me, so to stop the madness that made us all lose our minds, that is what I did. Kept talking to her about how school is a fun place to learn and play with friends and that mommy and daddy will always pick her up helped. We also shortened her sched from 2 full days to half days. After a couple of months she didn't get as sick and night terrors stopped. Security and the feeling of unyielding love, and talking with her and spending one on one time with her helped. I slept with her for about a week, until she was ok to just be with daddy again. It has now been only a couple of months, but the night terrors have not come back and tantrums happen maybe once in a blue moon. I'm happy to say that she is her old self again. I'm sorry this is so long to read, but I hope it helps in any way. I feel for you and your daughter and just want you to know that this is just a phase and it does and will soon pass. Give her extra TLC during these times (i know it's hard) but try to be both stern with your old rules so as not to fuel her to push limits all the time, yet yield to her in other loving ways. Goodluck to you!!!

HI - I am going through this, and am not a counselor- but this is what I did
First I told him we love him, and we are here for him.
I told him its been too hard to live with him and mommy is happier just being with son.
I explained that its like when a friend does not share, its hard, sometimes they just need some quiet time.
I sleep with him and tell him how much I love him, I hug a lot
I tell him that daddy is just down the street and its ok.
I ask him to repeat the phrases:
I am loved, daddy will some and see me, mommy is happier so its easier with baby, etc- good luck
When mommy and daddy fight, its hard for mom, and she sad, etc

K.: I think you and your little girl need to find a good family therapists. It is worth it. I don't know any kids that are not effected when their parents split up and her behavior is very typical of a little girl who has been hurt so badly. Imagine yourself in her shoes. Her daddy just walked out on her and her mom and she can't take it out on him. You are going to get the brunt of it. I've been working with children for 30 years and I've seen the problems that divorce brings to children over and over again. It is a lot harder on kids than you can imagine.

When my parents got divorced, I was 4. Same situtaion, and what she told me (from what I remember) Was that "Daddy is sick, and he is going to get better and we were going to be on our own for a while and it is okay, because she loves me more than anything and everything will be fine, we just need to adjust to this." She took me away though, and divorced that way. I didn't see my dad for a month or so after. I don't know if this will help at all, but I try. A lot of it is going to be giving her time and space to adjust to all the new changes, and hopefully dad can step in and help to reassure her that all this is okay. Counseling would be a good thing to look into for her.

First off, I'd have to ask, do you love him? I know he's screwed up, but do you love him? I've been in your shoes. I didn't realize how I was screwed up for choosing to be with someone with an addiction problem. I joined Alanon and also a group based on the book, "Women Who Love Too Much." To this day, nothing I've ever read, no seminar I've ever attended has changed my life like that book. I've bought dozens of copies and given them away.

While the two of you are separated...for now...just please know that its a roller-coaster. You may get back together, or not. You may hate him the first year, then want him back. Don't be surprised. Ask me how I know this.

Is there some way you can gather friends and family together to stage an intervention?

Will you check to see if your health insurance will cover a rehab program?

Three year old's can only process so much info. Try to keep it simple, as in, "daddy's going to have one house and I'm going to have one house. So, you'll have two homes and daddy and I will each have a bed for you, toothbrush for you, etc. at each place." Baby steps. Don't overwhelm. Try short visits with dad that can be extended to overnights. Try to keep the emotional stuff out of the explanation for now (except the 'mommy and daddy love you soooo much'). Try to just stick with the details that will matter to HER right now, i.e., your special dolly can go with you to mom's AND dad's. You'll have some clothes at mom's and dad's.

Be prepared to buy two of everything and have duplicates at each house. Also, be prepared for one shoe here, one there. The soccer shorts are in the hamper at one house, and the rest of the uniform is in the other parent's car. Ask me how I know this. Its aggravating. Take proactive steps and just be the one who's extra-prepared. I even packed extra snacks in the kids special "bag" (a Land's End enormous canvas boat bag with our last name embroidered on it), which became the go-back-and-forth bag. I was worried about whether my ex would remember to feed a young one snacks...because he's the type who 'didn't want to' get it about stuff... Need I say more...

Best of luck to you during this difficult time. It will get better over time...

C.

Wow, sounds like a very similar situation to mine! I am divorced now for three years. My ex and I split when my son was three (also problems with alcohol, commitment to family, etc). We also went through periods of separation, therapy and counseling. He made big changes after the fact, but wasn’t willing to make them when we were together. I, as well, could not rekindle things after so much hurt, disappointment, loss of trust, etc. We have remained “friends” and would regularly go out to dinner together with our son or have a Sunday breakfast out (strictly friendship) which I thought was beneficial for my son. I liked the idea of us being able to come together as a family although it was a “different” type of family. We were even able to take our son to Disneyland together for his fifth b-day. This has now stopped as my ex has remarried (I have barely even dated!). My son didn’t exhibit any of the behaviors your daughter has, but it is hard for him still (he’s six now). I thought that since he was so young that he’d adjust better. Just recently he drew a picture of daddy and mommy splitting up and when I asked him about it he said he wants us to get married again. Talk about guilt! I think it’s just natural for kids to want to have both of their parents together. I been in your place and it’s hard. Unfortunately it doesn’t get easier right away. Being a single mom is difficult and dealing with my ex’s remarriage and the changes I have experienced because of this has been emotionally draining. Thankfully my son likes his new wife and she seems to treat him well (she doesn’t talk to me – jealousy). Not only do I deal with personal feelings about all of this but the added feeling that I share responsibility for affecting my son in this way is hard to deal with. I keep lines of communication open with my son and allow him to call, visit, and stay overnight with his dad whenever (usually works out to about 2x a week). My advice to you is to be 100% sure of your decisions so that you don’t deal with regrets on top of everything else that might be coming down the road. By going through the counseling and working at trying to make things work I feel at peace with my decision. I haven’t found the magic bullet of making it all better for my son, but having him being able to talk and ask me questions seems to help. I usually get asked every 6 months about why his dad and I broke up. I try to be honest without placing blame and basically tell him that we were fighting all the time and everyone was sad and angry. It’s a long road, stay strong!