I Need Help - Seaford, DE

Ok, first let me bigin by saying that you have to follow what is in your heart. Any advice you get, is just that...advice! You have to do what is best for you and your kids! So, it sounds to me like you've already made up your mind about divorce, and you are looking for answers on how to tell your kids. I know that it seems harsh, but be honest! Now, I'm not saying you should give your kids all the horrible details, but simply tell them that you and their Dad aren't happy anymore. Kids know what happy and sad mean, so if you just explain how you are feeling...they will understand better. I think the most important thing to remember if divorce is the outcome, is NOT to talk bad about one another to the kids. I think that is the most damaging thing parents can do during an already difficult time for their kids. Remain civil for the sake of the kids, no matter how much he has hurt you or vice versa. The kids don't need to know the facts, or who is "to blame", they just need to know that you love them and that won't change!! Good luck:)

i kno the feeling. my bf of 6 yrs and father to my daughter, never spends ne time with my child and it bothers me so much. if u feel that u and ur husband can not work things out then only u can make that decision to leave. either way the children will b the ones who r stuck in the middle but u need to decide what would b best for them!

Hi L.,

You certainly have your hands full with 4 children. I know what you are going through. When I separated from my ex, my daughter was 4. I had to be completely honest with her. I didn't say anything bad about her dad, because I think she really knew. What helped me is that she is a girl and could relate to me more than him. Unfortunately you have a son, who is going to relate more with the male figure in the home. Right now what you need to focus on is you and your children. Do what is best for you...your children eventually will see their dad for who he really is. You won't have to tell them, they WILL see it.

I do wish you the best of luck and remember, you and your children come first!!!

P.

have u tried counseling? u should there r so many different types but if he's not up for it , it may be best to separate for a time for everyone to figure things out. him to figure if his family is whats most important & the two of u want to try & if not as hard as it may b u have to b strong in front of them but u definatly also need to take time 2 urself to vent..., good luck ... E..PS: children dont always understand that things can b very different than they seem

My guess would be your husband is telling him that. Most 4yo don't pick up on things like that.
If you do end your marriage, keep a journal so if the kids resent you later you can show them all you went through for their and your happiness and well-being.

Good Luck!

If you believe matters are beyond repair, you have to do what will be best for yourself and your children. You can force the other spouse to go to counseling at least once before going through with a divorce or separation to see if the marriage can be salvaged. I have a couple friends that are always put in the position of having to lie for the father, and it not only hurts the children, but puts extreme stress on the mother, which in the end will have effect on your children, which is not fair to anyone.

Why do people think that marriages are easliy disposable. You have a 4 year old son and he deserves you guys to work at this harder. You marry for better or worse. Many marriages go through hard times.It's not easy and if you move on without your husband, your son will be considered coming from a broken fmaily and will effect him for many many years. You may think it is easy to divorce but it is harder then staying togther. My brohter divorced his wife many years ago and he told me not too long ago that if he new it was going to be this hard and miss his son so much he would of never done it. Now his ex wife is remarried and it it's hard for him to see another man raise his son. It's messed up and think about what you are diong. Communicate with your husband. The only way you can change your husband for the better is to change yourself...God Bless.

IF YOUR NOT HAPPY IN A MARRIAGE DONT STAY IT WILL GET WORSE I SHOULD NO IVE BEEN THERE.IF YOU STAY YOUR KIDS WILL SEE TENTION BETWEEN YOU TOO AND BEGINN HATEING YOU BOTH OR THEY WILL CHOOSE SIDES, SO YOUR BEST BET IS TO GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION ITS NOT GOOD FOR YOU OR YOUR KID.

hi L.,
it's not your fault that thing are not going well in your marriage. you need to explain to your kids that even though there dad is not around that he still loves them. have you try seeking professional help for your marriage? have you try everything to make it work? good luck!

Before you make any life-altering decisions, seek the guidance of a counselor. Find someone who can talk you through what's going on, and help you learn how to deal with it. Its also a good idea to go to couple's counseling. I've been helped tremendously through that, even though in the beginning I was the one who was reluctant to go. It is hard when you're hearing your child say things that are hurtful. Remember, when he is older, he will realize what was going on and that your husband is a liar, even though he can't see it now. be sure not to speak negatively about your husband, because children tend to build resentment towards the parent who is doing the insulting. Be strong...you will get through this!

hello, if you do decide to divorce, I woul,d make sure the kids know that it has nothing to do with them, they dont understand why mommy and daddy cant b together and they are not supposed to understand. Always make sure you never say anything bad about him around them, or let anyone else say anything about them. I would pray on it, ask for help seek help go to church they have mentors that can help and make sure this is what you want to do, it is a hard decision and make sure the reason u are thinking about a divorce is really the answer. my email is ____@____.com if you need to talk to anyone.

The best thing you can do for your kids is to be the better person. Don't bring the kids in the middle. Don't say negative things about your husband. As bad as he is the children will see it for themselves eventually. Sometimes sooner than you think. If you berate him, say mean things about him, etc. your children will blame you for all their problems. Even if he is bad-mouthing you it's not worth stooping to his level. As hard as it is...you need to be the better person. I know it is hard, my husband and I went through some very rough times and I thought about leaving but I stayed for my son's sake. Today, we are doing so well and it is because I learned to communicate better with him. I learned to be the better person and to stop the vicious cycle of yelling and lies. I think there is something that you aren't saying in your request and I hope that it isn't what I think it is. Trust me if you show your husband and your children what a wonderful wife and mother you can be no one will be able to find fault with you in the end. Children don't always understand but eventually they do get it. Good luck...from someone who has been there.

Hi L.!
Trust me...ending the marriage should be your very, very, very last resort after every single avenue of rekindling your relationship has been exhausted. You will regret it if you don't at least try to make it work. I regret my divorce.
First, I don't understand how your four-year old thinks its your fault. How old are the other siblings? Is he being "told" by someone else that it's your fault? How do the other children feel? If that is the case, these children are being fed some real bad info from someone. Usually the mommies are the caregiver, the loving and comfort person that the children see and not a person at "fault".
Anyway, going on what little bit you gave, my suggestion is to find a babysitter for an evening and you and your hubby go on a date. It's a start. Remember and talk about what attracted you two to eachother and talk about how you got to where you are today. Count your blessings. Know that the two of you made a commitment to eachother, your families, and GOD. Once you think you and your hubby are both feeling relaxed and are on the same wave length, then start talking about what has been the problem with the marriage lately. Use the "I and me" approach. The minute you say "you", he will feel targeted and will automatically put up a defense. For example, don't say, "You are always late getting home from work." Say something more like, "Is there something at work that is keeping you from being able to leave at normal quitting time?"
And say things that start out "I feel unappreciated when..." or "It makes me feel bad when..." Don't put him down in any way. Men need to feel strong, even when they know things are falling apart. So don't make him feel he is weak. Let him know you are his partner for life and that the two of you are in this together. Take a good look at yourself and maybe point out a couple of things you may be willing to do or change to better your relationship. Tell him these things so that it doesn't look like he's the only one who has to make changes. Also, let him talk!!! Even if you are in the middle of making a point, stop. Especially if he is a person who has a hard time opening up (most men are).
Boy, I could go on and on. I've been divorced for 5 1/2 years and am just now feeling like I can put that behind me and move on. Even though I am already married and have two more children, I still struggle with this regret daily. It's getting easier as time goes by. But I feel if in my lifetime, I can stop one marriage from breaking up, then I know that something good has come out of this.
Best of luck to you and your family. Please keep in touch!
AMH :)

L.,
All I can say is, God Bless you...Been there, done that. There's really no guide to follow for these situations. You need to follow your heart and do what's best. It's tough on the kids, mine were 2,4, and 6 'ish when my seperation/divorce started. It can be a long drawn out process, that only time heals. I've come along way, and it hasn't been easy. Always be upfront and honest with your children, but NEVER talk badly about their father, and what may be happening. It's tough, but you have to try your best. Seek help, you need a support network, have the kids talk to their guidance counselor, (that's where I started) and if it needs furtehr help, he/she can reccommend where to go from there. If you're active it a church, perhaps there's someone you trust there to confide in. You're not alone! You're all in my prayers.
S.