Seeking Advise on Broken Family

A.,
As so many of your other responses have said, there is no easy way to deal with this. There are so many emotions running high and unfortunately, no matter how much we try to leave our kids out of it, they are ultimately the ones caught in the center.
Currently going through this myself, it has been a long 2+ year battle, I have found that there are a few tips for survival.
One, have a good lawyer, a really, really good lawyer who you trust. If you don't have one I would HIGHLY recommend Kamie Hefner, she is amazing.
Two, be honest with you son. My son is only 5, but I have found being honest, in a very gentle manner, is the best medicine for those hard to answer questions.
Three, as hard as it may be, don't talk poorly about your ex to your son or in front of your son. We all need to vent, believe me, I do my fair share! Just make sure it is away from the listening ears of your son. Kids are so perceptive.
Four, don't stoop to his level. If he (your ex) starts to get ugly, raise his voice, whatever he chooses to do say calmly, "I will continue this conversation at another time when you are calmed down." or "I am hanging up the phone now." Etc. I have limited my communication with my ex to email and via the lawyers only. It really limits the chance of tempers flaring. If he is mean in the emails, have a really close friend or family member that you trust 'control' the email account and fill you in on the things that you need to know. Just remember he is angry at you for whatever reason, but he is also full of hot air.
Take care of yourself and take care of your son - let your lawyer take care of your ex.
Last, keep records of everything. It is a pain in the rear end, but you need to have all of your stuff in order when and if you end up in court. Emails, phone logs, late payments, etc.
Good luck and please, feel free to write to me anytime. I can COMPLETELY relate to what you are going through now. It is no fun.
Hang in there.
L.

Hi A.,

Your situation and mine seem to be quite similar. My soon to be ex-husband did the same thing to me when we seperated in June of 2002, he filed for child support and custody of our daughter, who was 18 months old at the time. He had her for about three years, but she is now with me. You know he is only doing this because he is trying to hurt you. He may deny it, but it's a fact. It sounds like he's still angry at the whole situation (men do hold grudges alot longer sometimes) and is still trying to get back at you. He may know that your son is the only way he can get to you. I don't know if you are a praying woman or not, but my suggesstion to you is to get on your knees and cry out to God on behalf of your son (and yourself of course). Divorce is a hard thing for someone to go through, and for the child it is sometimes harder. Your son needs all the attention from the both of you that he can possibly get. I would pray that God would change your ex-husbands heart. That He would allow your ex to see things the way God sees them. Pray that your son will not be affected by the things that are going on between you two. When you begin to pray for your ex-husband, God will turn things around for you. God bless you and your son!

In Him,
G.

seeing divorce from the best possible view point, from the sidelines, I know the first thing you and your ex need to do, no matter how you feel about each other and the way your marriage ended and who's fault it was, you have to be friends to be good parents! Your son will be torn and that will cause an imbalance in everything he does, and cause him to change in his attitude towards both of you, eventually, he will start doing drastic things. I know and understand this, the father can threaten you with everything he possibly can but to take a child from the mother he has to have concrete evidence such as pictures and/or video proof that you are unfit-PERIOD! he is grasping at straws at ways to hurt you, little does he realize that he is only hurting your son in the process.
best of luck, things will change for the better! if ya just need to talk there are alot of us here!

Hi, my name is L.. Divorce isn't easy. I wasn't expecting a divorce after 23 years of marriage. Just one day out of the blue he wanted one. Little did I know he had fallen in love with one of his employee's. This was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. The hurt and the pain was more than I could stand at times. Let me tell you, you will get thru it, you will over come the pain. The hurt may stay forever I don't know. ( It's been 5 years now, and the pain is still there, just not as bad.) Our daughter was 15 and half at the time. We had just moved to Florida about 5 yrs earlier. My daughter turned on me, she didn't want to move back to Tennessee. Since she was 15 there wasn't anything I could do. I had no, family there to support me, I did not know anything else but marriage. I didn't even know how to survive on my own. I did come back to Knoxville and my daughter stayed there in Florida. What I didn't know at the time was the other woman and her daughter moved in 2 weeks after I came back here. Lets talk hurt, major hurt. My daughter wouldn't call me, she wouldn't talk to me, etc. It has taken many prayers and 5 yrs exactly for her to finally contact me. She blamed me for the divorce and she also thought I had abandoned her. When in fact I begged her to come with me. At the time I wanted to fight him in court, but Florida is a "No Fault State". And since I came back to Knoxville I didn't have a chance. No, lawyer would take my case here since they did not know Florida laws. My daughter is 20 now and she called me back in September to talk. She had since moved out of her father's house. We are talking, and I am helping her with her wedding plans. I said all of that to say this. Only time will heal the pain and the hurt of Divorce. But you will always carry the scars with you. Children carry them also. So just remember children grew up and they know who is at fault. They will know when they become adults which parent is the one that did wrong. I have learned alot out of the divorce I went thru. It made me stronger, and more independent. I found strength inside of me I didn't know I had. If you need someone to talk to, just email me at ____@____.com I will be happy to talk with you. I have been there and the road isn't easy.

Hi A.:
I went thru a divorce from my first husband...we had 2 boys together. There's no point in telling you that this will all be easy and work itself out, because it's not easy. The only thing you can do for your son is to never (NEVER) speak badly of your ex in front of him. My boys are teenagers now, and believe me, your son will form his own opinion of his dad based on what he sees as he grows up. Your son is 9, and kids are a whole lot more mature at 9 now than they were when I was a kid. Just let your son know how much you and your ex love him...and that YOU only have his best interest in mind with everything you do. Your ex will eventually pay for his manipulating behavior...it may not be next year or even in 5 years, but eventually what comes around goes around. My ex has rarely been involved with my boys at all since my divorce almost 7 years ago. He liked to say bad things about me when he was around them though, but they see through all that now. And thankfully, I've remarried to a wonderful man...and father of 4 boys...who is more of a father to my 2 boys than their biological father has ever been. I know this is probably not much concrete advice on what to do, but there's not really a handbook on how to deal with a manipulating ex or a child caught in the middle. Patience and love are gonna be the two main things to remember. Best of luck to you and your little man. I have 6 teenage boys all together, so if I can be of any help anytime...let me know.

A.
I am a stepmom who has seen the pain this sort of situation causes to the parent and child. My husband and his ex-wife have been in and out of court for 5 years now. She has sued for chld support even though we had my stepson with us. It is crazy how long these fights can go on. My stepson is now with her and we have to go back to court just to say she has not followed the court order for visitation. We dont even know where she and he lives! I know I am on the other side of this situation but I completely understand how painful this is.
My stepson acts like it doesnt bother him but when we do finally get to talk to him I can tell he has been told some hurtful things about us and doesnt understand that we have been trying to be in his life but she has blocked it.
All I can say is be the better person in this and try nor to badmouth (I know its very hard) the other spouse in front of the child even if he is doing it already. Because one day your child will see his lies and remember your stability.
Take Care
H.

Dear A.
I hate to hear all the pain you are going through but so is your son. He may not show it alot but trust me he is hurting. I didn't understand if your ex sued you in the past or is he sueing you now? You also didn't say when he stays with you and how close do you and your ex live? when I got a divorce, we both had custody but with me having primary, and my ex tried all the time to talk our son into wanting to live with him. well year after year he kept this up until my son decided he would go live with his dad and so they thought up a lie to tell me so he could go over to his dad's house just out of the blue and then 2 days later I was served with papers that my ex was sueing me for custody!! My son was 12/13 when we went to court and I was advised to not fight it and just let him go, my lawyer (who was a free lawyer because I had no money) said that my ex was promising him the moon and it wouldn't last a year and well he was right. less then a year later my son was begging to come back home and my ex had to pay for everything to go back to the way it was...I hope I can help you out some but the best thing is to just love your son and tell him that none of this is his fault and try keeping him with you as much as you can but remember he will realize the truth one day no matter what your ex tells him....good luck D.

Hi A.,
I have not went through this with my immediate family(fortunately) and hope I never will but I can tell you that children are often the 'victim' so to speak b/c they get put in the middle inadvertently when divorce happens...something takes over in their human-ness though when 'their Mommy and Daddy fight' or argue and amazingly (as God would have it I'm sure) they always completely still LOVE LOVE both their parents. It is a two-edged sword so to speak...My suggestions if you want them would be to try my hardest, and this will take discipline, but not to put him/her in the day to day back and forth arguing of things...make your time w/your child a happy time and as hard as it may be, don't downgrade your husband to your child. It is still his father; and one day, his Dad will have to answer for his wrongdoing, but in the meantime, he only knows his Dad as 'Dad.' And that Dad can do no wrong..But I wish for you the best. We have to be the example for our kids so when they grow up, they will have had a healthy model on how to 'do' life. Best Wishes!*

hey yes i know what you are going through it can get pretty messy ive been divorced for about 20 years all together. we went through a rough divorce he tryed to say he had something on me and anything he could to keep from paying childsupport it ended up he got out of paying sposel support but i regret that i was trying to be nice not!lol anyways i wouldnt worry most of the time the mother gets the child i just wouldnt talk about it in front of your son and get on with life until cout also if u have joint custody and think your child is not being taken care of in that case i would keep him until the court date as long as u have joint custody nothing will happen