I Have a 5 Year Old Who Shuts Down.....

She may have social anxiety. I was like that and so were all of my boys. It is nothing that can be diagnosed... it is just there.
I was seemingly shy, didn't really want to get involved with anything like school things and didn't really have alot of friends but didn't NOT get along. Couldn't get up and give a speech and thought I was going to pass out if a teacher called on me at school. I would have rather stayed in the background and just been left alone and let me do my thing. And to think that my parents told me that I was the most outgoing child they had when I was little.
Well, I still have a talkative personality and talk alot and people seem to like me. But I am a one on one person. I am a hairdresser by trade and did that for many years. (So you know that I can talk).
The only thing that I can say is to be patient and just wait it out. You have to push a little and putting her in sports will be good for her. Don't push too hard and don't ever say anything demeaning about the way she is. Don't ever compare her to anyone else either. Just trust her in how she feels and ask her if she wants to talk about it and never get away from talking to her gently. I promise, she will grow out of it and it won't make her weird or crazy or not liked. She just doesn't like that scared, flustered, heart racing and pounding feeling. She would rather stay calm and do her own thing when she wants to. It may take some mommy and child outings of your own also. Just kind of follow her lead and always be gently, kind, and understanding with her and always try and talk to her and listen to what she is saying when she talks to you and allow her to talk also.
You both will be just fine.

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds to me like you have a perfectly normal child. Shes showing you how strong willed and independant she is by being who she is. Later on she might be more outgoing but for now just let her be shy. When she does sports and what not praise her for what she does right. And like one of the other women suggested let her pick something she wants to do. My 6 yr old used to be very quiet. He recently int he last 2 years started to become more out going. After i stopped trying to force him to be who he isnt. Just luv her for who she is and dont focus so much on the smaller stuff. Itll all work out. Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

Have you tried taking her to a child psychologist? They could listen to your concerns and do an evaluation themselves and together you guys could come up with something. I am going through some of the similar things with my daughter along with others and we are involved with a child psychologist right now and things are going well.

I have a 5 and a 7 year old both boys. My 5 year old is the same way. He doesn't answer doctors b/c he is scared. The only time he doesn't answer us, is when he believes he is trouble. Is she talktative around other children? We have found that gradual interaction with others works. Some children are very cautious about the people they interact with and that is a good thing. I would say introduce others gradually and set aside some time just for her.

I wouldn't even worry about it. Honestly, if you think about it, she is just being herself.

If she were more outgoing, would you try to change that about her? Probably not.

If she loved sports, would you want her to stop playing them simply because other people don't?

We have to let our children be individuals. Obviously, this is the way she is, and when SHE wants to, she knows how to speak up.

Trying to get her to be someone she isn't is only going to make her more defensive and more introverted. She isn't going to suddenly become a confident-in-a-crowd kind of person simply because you try to make her that way. She has to want it for herself.

No one has the right answer for you, really. You know her best...do you really think that pushing her into trying to be more assertive in her responses is going to do the trick? Have you tried just letting her be who she wants to be, and, instead of getting her to do sports, ask her what SHE would like to do...maybe give her a list of 30 things she could do, a few sports thrown in...ice skating lessons, karate, softball, swimming, art classes, dance classes, etc...and let her choose the ones which really interest her...then maybe she will be happier to be the first one to do something.

Good luck to you!

You might consider taking her to see a counselor. As parents we often don't notice litttle things that a 5 year ol wold consider major. I had the same problem with my 7 year old. She is counseling now and I definitely see a difference. It is still a long road ahead but at least we are making progress.

If being shy is the only problem, I do not think you have much to worry about. Myself as a child responded in the same manner but as I grew older I also grew out of it. I am now capable of speaking my mind! I have a 14 year old daughter that was the same as a child but she has grown out of alot of her shyness. There could be several underlying issues. Speaking for myself I had very low self esteem, my daughter also. But if this really bothers you I would recommened speaking with your pediatrician to be sure there are no medical issues.

Hi there - I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with her! I'm curious, though - did you and/or your husband use the "cry it out" method with your daughter when she was a baby or very young? I'm no expert, but it sounds like she may be experiencing this . . . http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T131200.asp.

I don't have much advice, but if she does have shut-down syndrome as described by Dr. Sears - then you may want to try some trust building activities with her. Hope this helps and good luck!

My son did the same thing. I really think he is just going to be "behind the scenes kind-of kid." With having 4 children I know this will be very difficult but could you try to really spend more 1on1 with him and just set with him. Don't necessarily talk with him, just sit by him and let him feel your presence. If he wants to talk listen. He may just be overwhelmed with everyone and everything. I would just try to be there for him more. With a lot of family you do tent to shut down because you don't have an out. I don't feel sports would work because he would be out there for everyone to see~~that is not his nature. He seems to be more 1on1. C. H

When I was little, my mom tried to force me to speak when I wasn't ready. My daughter came along and had the exact same manner as your daughter. My husband used to get so irritated because she was shy. I took up for her because I remembered how frustrating it was for me to feel forced to speak. My opinion is that when she is comfortable enough, she will speak. I think it is worse to force a child because then they feel bullied or like they are a bad person for not conforming to what someone else thinks is right. They run the risk of growing up feeling like it's ok to be pushed into something they aren't ready for. Embrace your daughter's differences and let her know it is ok to be her, it's ok to be shy. It's one thing to give her the opportunity and moral support to speak up, but it's another to make her feel she isn't normal if she doesn't. You said YOU don't want her to grow up shy, but what about how she feels when everyone is on her case about it? If it is just a stage or a part of who she is, why is she wrong? Sometimes giving someone confidence starts with accepting who they are and learning to work with that instead of making them feel bad because they are different from what YOU want. Love her for who she is, encourage but don't push or criticise. If she is meant to be outgoing eventually, this is the best way to give her confidence.
My own daughter, because of the support we gave her, after I finally got my husband to understand, is now venturing out on her own and excelling at things she enjoys. She even sings in front of our church congregation, alone! She joined a group at our local library and was made chairperson on the first day! She is still shy and still gets nervous with strangers, but she makes the efforts and usually ends up surprising us with her results, as long as she can do it her way and in her own time. She has self-motivation in many things I wouldn't have seen if we had not given her the security to do it her way.

Why don't you try a game with her.
Call it tea time for ladies and be her best friend.
Change name's so she can pretend ,and let her set the rule's in this game.
That helped my granddaughter pull out of her shell.

J.,

I wouldn't get too worried yet. I have an eleven year old son who did the same thing. You would ask him a question and he would just look at you. I was soo worried about this behavior that when I took him to Kindergarden I told the teachers that he was not being disrespectful he just didn't answer questions well. I however was lucky enough to understand this problem because I remember having it as a young child. I would have the answer to each question running around my head but I couldn't get it out of my mouth. I still don't understand the reason for this but I do know that it is something that they grow out of. Try not to make a big deal about it when she doesn't answer this will cause her to button up tighter than ever. Just calmly tell her that you know the answer is in there and that you would like her to talk and then drop it. When she does answer make sure you praise her. By rewarding possitive behavior you will increase the likelyhood of her doing what you want. Finally just let her know she is loved and when she is in front of other adults let them know that you do not want her to be forced to talk. It truly will just cause this to last longer than you want. My husband would try to get my son to talk and all it ever did was make them both frustrated. As he got older and I knew he could answer I would tell him that I knew it was hard but that he could make the answer come out if he tried hard enough. We would sit for 15-20 mins and he would finally talk. Love and Encouragement is what they need. He still has a few problems when he is in trouble but for the most part he is a very well adjusted kid and the teachers have love him since the first day of K. Just make sure you communicate the situation with any adult that will be over your child. I hope this helps. I know how frustrating this can be but truly patience is the best way to deal with it
T.

Hey J.,

Love that name by the way! Listen, not saying that this it's what is going on with you daughter, but the things you are describing, remind me of what we were going through with my son, who was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder about a year ago, today he is now 6 years old. We were having the same problem with him answering questions, simple "yes" and "no" questions.

I agree with April, you should definitely set up and evaluation with a child psychologist, you can get your pediatrician to refer your daughter for the evaluation. It wouldn't hurt to try that and it would definitely rule it out.

Again, not saying that is what's going on with your daugther, but if it is, just to let you know, that with speech and occupational therapy that my son has received over the past year, he has become a completely different child. And we no longer have trouble communicating with him. He has made tons of progress.

My thoughts are with you and hope you get it resolved. The sooner you can find out what's going on with her, then you can work towards getting her the help and assistance she needs, if that's what it is.

Good luck and God Bless!

J.,
You might want to talk to her doctor about selective mutisim, I have a son with it and she sounds the same way. It is not a common thing. What it is, is a anexity disorder. You should be able to look at her and see the fear in her eyes when she has to talk to people. This is not very commonly known. Alot of doctors don't even know about the disorder. You can go on the internet and look up selective mutisim and there are various links that can help you. My son is 11 and although he has come along way he still suffers. He wasn't diagnosed from the ped, it was the child study team at his school. I hope that this will help.