I have a 3 wonderful children. 4 year old girl (will be 5 in October), 3 year old boy and 10 month old baby boy. We moved to New Jersey from Holland a year ago. Our children were going to day care 3 days a week from the start to get them learn the english language/socialize etc. They were familiar with going to the day care, they did the same in Holland. Everything is going great, they speak almost fluent now. But there is a problem which is bothering me now for months ....I tried to be patient but now I am really worried. They refuse to talk to teachers, they talk a bit among the children when they play at day care but they DO NOT TALK to the adults. Especially with our 4 year old everybody sems to push her to talk but she is completely shutting off. I am afraid that she might do this on purpose. She has such a will power. She is going to Kindergarden now and she is very bright and I know she CAN talk, she just does not want to. At home she talks all the time, believe me....:-) It is not the language, I am sure because I heard her talk to her little brother or to me/her daddy in english many times. I belive her pronunciation is much better then mine... LOL. What can I do to help her? I tried everthing, making jokes about it, be angry, tell her she will be rewarded for each word etc. Nothing seems to "break her", she would not even say simple words like YES, NO, HELLO or BYE to the teacher, I feel so embarassed sometimes, I do not want people to think that she is unpolite or stupid. I am worried if she will not do good at Kindergarden, she will be even more frustrated later at elementary school. How can I help her ?????? She is so frustrated, I see it in her behaviour. Is it may be that we moved 3 times in the past 3 years? Is it our own falt ? Any ideas ?
Ik now she can do it she just refuse because everybody want her to talk.
Thank you.
A.
We finally now what is happening, our daughter is diagnosed with Selective Mutism. We are looking for a good therapist righ now to help her. Her teacher at Kindergarten is absolutely wonderful, she supports her and us in every way she can. She was also the one who pointed Selective Mutism out. However this is not very common and I notice that there are SO many people who absolutely do not understand that the child is actually anxious to talk. We see little improvement in past weeks, she would now nodd or shake her hand, give "hig five" etc. with "strangers". We do hope that our daugher will build more self esteem and confidence to talk. However thank you all for support and help. :-)
Some kids may have selective mutism. Honestly, would stop making her angry, bribing her, trying to "break" her. She's likely using this as control and also as a way to get attention since you seem to be giving her plenty of attention for this behavior. Stop making it into a big deal and let her become comfortable on her own - it sounds like YOU are uncomfortable and embarrassed by this behavior but that's a separate issue entirely.
Don't sweat it is my advice. This is a power play on her part, a method of control. Let it go. Talk to her teachers, if you like, let them know you are going to back off and give her space, then do it. She will talk when she is good and ready to, and not before. She sounds a bit like my second child who used to hide behind me and refuse to speak. She is ten now and a very popular and gregarious child who talks up a blue streak to adults of all kinds. If you are a good example, she will probably eventually follow it.
After reading the posts regarding selective mutism, I thought it sounded like my 10 year old, whose teachers told us, last year, that she was refusing to speak when they called on her, she wouldn't answer questions - even when they could see the correct answer on her paper. She won't order in restaurants either. Anyway, I went to Google Health and searched selective mutism. Under the heading "Tests and Diagnosis" I read the following -
"Teachers and counselors should consider cultural issues, such as recently moving to a new country and speaking another language. Children who are uncomfortable with a new language may not want to use it outside of a familiar setting. This is not necessarily selective mutism."
I'm not in the same situation but when I started Kindergarten, I was 4. The kids told me that I wasn't suppose to be in Kindergarten because I was only 4. I thought that if the teacher found out she'd kick me out of Kindergarten so I refused to talk at school until I turned 5 (on Christmas Eve). The teachers would talk to my mom about it and say that they might hold me back the next year because they thought I was too young... BUT once I turned 5, I turned into a different child. LOL Your daughter should outgrow this stage. Keep encouraging her and keep being patient. She's still young and will change as she grows older. Good luck to you!!
There is a condition known as selective mutism. It is a speech and langague issue, not a charachter issue. It is very commone for children with this disorder to refuse to speak in school settings when they have no problem doing so at home and in other enviornments. Consult a speech pathologist for an evalatuion and therapy.
M.
"She just refuses because everybody wants her to talk." That's what you said. I agree. Leave her alone, and don't make her talk. Maybe she's shy. She's only 4. Let her learn to socialize at her own speed, and don't worry what people think about her. It doesn't matter what they think.
Moving is very h*** o* the little ones. She is in a new environment and may not trust the teacher yet. Give her lots of time and get her to talk at home.
I have a 15 year old who at 11 still refused to order food at restaurants and English is her only language. I finally had to tell the gal that my daughter wouldnt' be eating that night, she orders food now. She still is very shy around adults she doesn't know, but once she warms up does fine.
Always emulate the behavior you want her to imitate. Say Thank you and hello and good bye, all the niceties. She will warm up.
And welcome to America. My daughter's best friend is in Holland on an American Army base.
I was shy when I started school as well and it may take her a while to adjust. Your daughter is not even 5 and has 2 younger siblings and has moved 3 times, once to a new country. It may take her a while to catch up to the changes.
I do think it is a good idea to check with the speech therapist at school and see if there is an ESL program available.
.
Maybe she has nothing to say to the teacher. Does she talk to other adults (other than family members)? Has her teacher said anything about it to you? I wouldn't worry about it either way. You know she can talk and that's all that's important at this age. She will talk to the teacher when she is ready to say something. And I bet it will be sooner that later if everyone leaves her alone and doesn't mention anything about it again.
I really doubt you have anything to worry about. I've seen with a neighbor boy, brought up with both German and English spoken in the home, and with another Japanese and English household, that sometimes kids are very resistant to speaking out loud until they've got both languages fully sorted out in their heads. Then one day they just start talking fluently as if there was never a problem.
Pushing them to "perform" before then is probably counterproductive. Your anxieties may actually be internalized by your children as being caused by some deficit your perceive in them, or some expectation of excellence, which might make them all the more anxious about appearing stupid. Especially when you turn a spotlight on them in front of other adults and demand that they speak. That can make a child terribly uncomfortable (how do you spell "squirm?").
I wouldn't worry about other adults judging them as impolite or stupid. These are young children, recently moved from another culture. Adults will cut them some slack.
I hope you'll cut them some slack, too. Ignore their choice to stay mum, other than to tell them you are confident that they'll speak when they know they are ready. If I were in your shoes, I might even apologize for pushing so hard. Trying to "break" them is an extremely unhelpful way to look at any emotional dynamic in human beings, child or adult.
Don't worry about it. Most american kids don't talk to the teacher either, but will talk to their peers. It even continues through high school, which is why my son's school (He's in Jr./Sr. High School.) has set up peer groups for the kids to talk to each other about various social problems they are having. If the problem needs professional help, then the peer counselor tells the principal and school psychologist. As long as your child answers the teacher's questions, you have nothing to worry about.
Don't worry about it (and ask the teachers to try to avoid pressuring her to talk), she will come about in time. I rarely spoke before I entered school and even afterward I didn't speak much for the first few months and English was my only language. I just didn't feel I had much to say and refused to talk just for the sake of talking.
My (bilingual) daughter is a little chatterbox, but she too will not speak to adults who she is not familiar with (takes a few months to warm up to people) and absolutely refuses to associate with people who "talk down" to her. Many adults (teachers included) tend to feel they need to prompt little kids to reply to everything (Like "good morning, Sally" "Sally, can you say good morning?") DD despises this and will not go anywhere near a person who has approached her this way (can't say I blame her either :P) Kids can also pick out people who just want them to talk for the sake of talking, but do not take a real interest in what the child is trying to communicate, so this may also contribute to a reluctance to talk.
For my daughter, adults using baby/kiddy language can be another huge turn off. This probably from a lack of familiarity--we never used kiddy words much so, when an adult uses them she looks back at them like "huh? what the heck are you talking about???" (For some reason she has absolutely no problem understanding or communicating with kids who are using kiddy words . . . .)
I'd say give it time and just let the kids get acclimated to their school/daycare and let the communication skills come along naturally. Ask the teachers/other adults to not pressure her to talk beyond what she is willing to say.
I have a friend who's daughter suffered from selective mutism. It is completely treatable with some counseling. I would talk to your pediatrician and get her some help before as you said it gets worse. I am not familiar with the causes or treatment it just that your daughter sounds exactly like what her daughter went through. She is fine now and very outgoing.
In my opinion, you are making too much fuss over this. Try not to put so much attention into it. I have a friend who has a similar situation (Polish is spoken at home) she never spoke in public or at school but she does well in school and as she got older she speaks. Try ignoring her, she will speak when she needs to and make sure whatever you decide to do with the teacher that she understands and is willing to work with you/her. Be prepared though for the school to want to "test" her because that is what we normally want to do! (Special Ed teacher/Administrator for 25 years!)
Martha R is absolutely correct! My daughter had this condition in pre-k and in the middle of kindergarten she snapped out of it , so to say. SHe is fine now. Someone in her school has been selectively mute in school and in front of anyone who is not immediate family for the last 6 years.It is hard for her to have friends and get involved in anything and she is very smart!
Get her help---it can make a world of difference. Best of luck!
She might be embarrassed by her accent, perhaps a teacher or adult corrected her accent or said they couldnt understand her OR she might be using this to get attention. I would sit her down and tell her you no longer care if she talks in school, it isnt important. Then tell her what I have told everyone I meet that apologizes for their accent. I tell them that I can only speak ONE language English and they are way smarter than me because they can speak two. And I tell them NEVER be ashamed of your accent, instead ask the person criticizing you something it your native tongue. Watch the puzzled look on their face. LOL
my kid who will be four this nov. has started this in his pre school
when i put him at 3 he didn't talk with any for 3 whole weeks like u said not even yes no or hi to his teacher after that i went and sat with him for some time in the morning took his fav. book asked him question and he opened up .
but now he is moved to the other class and the teacher he used to is not there
now again he is very stubborn and not talking to any one prob. i will wait and see . if i ask him he will promise me that he will talk in the school but once inside the gate he will talk until no one was around then close up if he see his teacher. it really worries me because he talks non stop at home , shop
anywhere outside expect school :(((
