Husband Makes Me Feel Secondary

Sometimes men aren't the best at multitasking. That includes in their emotional lives. Without a doubt, your marriage is a priority too. Babies sure are exhausting, though -- as great as they are. Talk to your husband. Be sure you two are on the same page. Be sure you two are still in love and still committed. Relationships go in and out of phases of HOT ROMANCE -- well, the lasting ones do. So, don't panic yet just because you two aren't acting like you did when you were first married. As new parents, you've entered a new phase. Friendship and mutual respect are the basis of the strong marriage: if you have that, you're golden. If you're worried that the love is slipping, find counseling. There is nothing more important than maintaining your marriage!

1 mom found this helpful

Normally it is the other way around, that the husband feels this way if the wife focuses too much on the kids, so I guess the roles could be reversed here. A good thing to do is sit down and talk with him about how you feel. Make time to just be together as a couple, have a "date" night with each other and find a babysitter.

No you aren't alone. I'm a little like Meredith, though - my husband sometimes feels this way more than I do. (Years ago, before kids, we had a private joke from a valentine greeting that went "I love you so much. In fact, after the cats, honey, you're number one!")

Now he sometimes jokes that he feels like he's after the kids, after the cats, and just just barely keeping ahead of the Roomba! But seriously, when there's a new baby, everyone is usually stretched thin and stressed out and it's a long time before it gets easier.

Babies *do* need a lot of attention, and no doubt having a parent (or two) that loves them so ferociously that everything and everyone else pales in importance has helped the human race survive. But it certainly puts strain on a marriage. You've gotten some good advice about getting some "alone time" or "date nights". (Although even on date nights, we find ourselves talking about the kids. Or googling the cute baby at the next table.) As the children get older, things usually do get better, and just knowing that might make things more bearable. And there's always counseling. My best friend went through some marriage counseling about a year ago, and they're doing much better these days.

It could be a lot worse - I actually have a friend who's husband thinks it's funny to say "Well, you're the one who wanted to have kids" when their autistic son acts up in public. He says this in front of friends (who inevitably start to squirm) and in front of his son, who's old enough to understand it. (He was 6 last time I heard it.)

The solution is to make regular date nights a priority. It doesn't have to be expensive, as long as it is just the two of you. Also, go on marriage retreats regularly. Most churches offer them.

Most of us have had the problem of the husband being jealous of the attention the baby requires of us the Mommy. As the child grows it will level out. You will never have all his attention again nor should you. This baby is half you and half your husband. Try to share in your husband's joy with your offspring. You can be a part of this if you will. Thre should be a date night somewhere in your schedule for just ou and hubby. Try to work it out. As he loves this child he is also loving that part of you that this child represents. V.

I have not been in your shoes, but I am in your husband's. I know my relationship with my husband has suffered since my daughter came along 2 years ago and it is probably mostly my fault. I am just so adoringly enamored with my baby that I really can't see anything beyond that, which has, at times, alienated my husband. It's like being a crack addict or something. Your husband probably feels the same way. He doesn't love you less than he did--he is just too goo-goo-ga-ga over his son to show it. Date nights, vacations, even friday evenings on the porch after baby is in bed help us reconnect. Try and schedule some adult time at least a couple times a month and you'll probably start to find that you're feeling better about your relationship. I know a lot of gals (including me) who would be thrilled if their husbands took such an active parenting role as your husband. Good luck!

Good morning, I was once there and later found out that this is not only his 1st child put his 1st and only son (for the moment). It may or may not passover but it is his seed (pride and joy). Keep your head up. Make some along time for you guys when the baby has been put down for the night. I know how that feel and I didnt like it then either. My son is now 11 and I no longer with his father but I still remember those time.

Mine makes me feel secondary to everyone, everything. He doesnt' even want to make love anymore. I guess we just find our own lives and pray hard.
J.

Hi G.. Did he watch the birth? Mine did. And I swear it messes with their heads!!! I just dont think they see us "that way" anymore after watching a child being birthed from our special place. :o) Hopefully they get over it someday... or else our poor little boys are doomed to be only children. Best of luck gettin the groove back! (ps - and let me know if anything actually works!) :o)

We certainly went through this phase! Three times - with all three kids! A new addition to a family always divides energy - you will definitely find you are giving less attention to your husband as well. After all, there are only so many hours in the day and I was so drained after work and taking care of the baby! I just wanted to sleep.

Knowing this is just a phase may help, but you may want to speed through it. Here are some things we tried (some worked better than others):
cuddle time before bed with just Mom and Dad
reading the same book and talking about it
date night (this one is still tough to make happen!)
coffee break together in the AM before work (no TV)
love notes in each other's briefcase or bag

The main thing we found was to be intentional towards each other. You have so many adjustments to make to your schedules now that there are three. We made a point to schedule each other in - most days it worked.

Congratulations on your new precious one and blessings on your family.

I think everyone feels this way to some extent... one or the other spouse or both. I remember reading a statistic that marital satisfaction goes down when a couple has children. Things DO change. I don't have the magic bullet, but I think it's so important for couples to still make the time to make each other feel special. I don't know how to make your husband do this other than to maybe go out of your way to do some special little things for him, remind him you are a couple. Maybe he'll follow your lead. Or just sit down and talk with him about it. I think my husband and I do a pretty good job at this, and I think it's so important for my kids, now 5 and 6 y.o. to see that their parents have a loving, respectful relationship. Makes them feel secure and hopefully will model what they should look for one day. So, yeah, I think it's totally normal and common, but can be helped with a bit of effort. And I don't know how old your baby is, but those early months can be so all-consuming. You will get some of your life back as you adjust and he grows. Hang in there.

No, and yes, you are being sensitive. Normal for some. However, marriage is work and with children it is harder work. You need to confide in your husband and tell him you need some alone time with him. Get a baby sitter and make him a romantic meal or take him out... His focus will turn onto you. Once he enjoys that time, he will most likely want more times like those...and it will most likely carry over to the times that the three of you are together.
Better Communication, I have found is the key to a better marriage. Don't stew over the lack of attention, but don't blurt it either - show him how to give you the attention you want and deserve. Are you going straight to the baby or to your husband when you arrive home? Maybe he is mimicking your actions? Finding time for each other is again not easy... some handle better than others. But once a child is in the picture - the child has to be #1, but there are ways to still include each other to make the three a happy family.

I'm a full time working mom, married for 22 years this time, boy/girl twins 26, son 18, and daughter 16 this Sunday! One granddaughter. Husband not very affectionate, but has become more so over the years with a lot of work and endurance in marriage.

M. B.

It is easy to feel second when it comes to family life and work mostly coming first. The most important thing in life I believe is God first, family second (you and your husband should come first), then work. It doesn't always work with a job thinking they are first though. What my husband and I try to do to stay connected is set a date night one time a week. It may be at home after the kids are asleep but it is specifically time for us to get back in touch doing what we like to do so we don't get lost in our kids and work. By the way I have 3 kids - 2 1/2, 4 and 5 1/2 so we know what it is like to feel second to our kids.
Good luck.

It could possibly be 'you' making you feel secondary. I doubt its your hubby. ITs a process with marriage and children. The sooner you accept the changes that happen in marriage when kids come along the better. Its not just you and him anymore and now you have to share your love. Its always one of you. With my marriage it was my hubby feeling like he was no longer number 1. Well, two babies later and lot of hurtles, he 'might' be number 3. My role changed too and I was a little intimidated at times by the fact that my hubby and I no longer had that alone time to do fun things and just be young and in love. It was about everyone else. The moment we became and team things got so much better. Try to find a balance. Make you sure you guys have date night once a week. You dont need a babysitter for this. Im always telling people this but it saves us!! We still get our alone time.
Good luck in finding a balance.

I'm sorry. No, you are not the only one who has felt this way. I am a SAHM and sometimes feel less like a companion and more like the hired help and occasional call girl. (lol)I'v come to grips with it.

What I can tell you is that it is probably not on purpose. You have taken on an new role and sometimes dad's forget about your "other equally important role" which is "wife and friend". Since you said that he's a good dad and he's also your best friend, it would be a good idea to gently remind him of what you need from him. Things like Respect, Love, Support, ect. Sometimes men have one track minds, and it does not change gears without being prompted. But for the record, you play are VERY important role in your husband's life and he knows it - he's just probably not good at showing it.

Best Regards,
C.