Realationship Advice Needed

i just finished reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. if you haven't read it yet, i think it's worth a try. i can't give you a miracle testimonial as my husband and i are just beginning to put it to use, but i can see how helpful it could be.

If you can't imagine living without him then stay, if you can and it looks good maybe you need to talk about it.

My ex used some of those same statements, as he sat on the couch with a bag of chips asking how long until dinner. When he accidentally gave me a chance to live without him I loved it and he became the ex.

I doubt that working or not working will be the most significant difference, talking to each other, and a therapist and understanding the stresses you each have is a good step toward fixing it. If you have to go alone it is worth doing too. The only ones who can decide what needs to happen are the two of you, everyone else has their own ideas and may be willing to give advice but they will conflict and you have to decide in the end.

Good luck, it can get a lot better. The kids will get more helpful too.

Sounds like to me you need to step up your domestic duties! You say your husband does so much around the house- maybe you should as well.
You both have jobs that drain you and yes you want to spend time with the kids, but it sounds as if he does things around the house and you don't try hard enough.
It kinda sounds like role reversal.
You hear women complain all the time that they get home and do everything and the husband doesn't and how they resent him for that. Well your husband is probably feeling the same.
I know it is hard... I am not very domestic at all, but perhaps you should just suck it up and try harder!
You don't have to be great at it all... just pick some things that can be yours to take on so he doesn't have to do them. Let him cook and perhaps you could clean the house ect...
Just an observation from the little you have written.
Men need to be appreciated and helped as well~ nothing is worse then when one partner feels like they do it all. It can only lead to resentment!
You should at least sit down and talk with him and make a list of all the things that need to be done around the house and divide them out. Once you both seem happy with the goal, tell him he can't be critical of how you are doing it. Just be glad they are getting done. But you do have to give 100% if he is!

I am just tired of women always the victim. Even the responses you are getting are making him out to be the bad guy. We never want to think they WE could be adding to the problem and that they are always the bad guys. That is just not fair.
Trust me I have many issues with my husband, but he has valid points and it doesn't make him a monster.
If he is abusive that is one thing, but nothing in your post suggest that. All I read is a man who is frustrated with the lack of help he is getting and I don't think that is so out of line. But again just my opinion. I am sure there is way more than you have listed, but please be fair in looking at your issues and see if perhaps there are things YOU can do to reach out and fix them. He for sure has to do his part, but he is not alone in it....

I will preface my response by saying I am VERY passionate about preserving marriages. I am not purposely trying to offend anyone, it's just something I feel strongly about.

My husband and I have gone through similar periods in our marriage when it seems like all we did was fight. First of all, it's okay to argue in front of the kids. Of course, you don't want to be yelling or swearing or throwing things, but disagreement is okay. I can't tell you how many times my kids' friends have been totally blindsided by a divorce they didn't see coming, because Mom and Dad were always so happy in front of them. It's okay for kids to know you disagree on things. It's also good for them to see you work it out. That's how they will learn that very important life skill.

There are various times in life when things get rough. When you have a healthy loving relationship and then kids come along--that's one of those times. My husband and I fought about some of the same things as you (domestic work getting done, etc.) He had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not June Cleaver, and that as long as our kids are little the house is NOT going to be spotless. I had to come to terms with him being really particular with certain things and anticipate his needs in those areas. Just do your best to make each other happy--the rest really doesn't matter.

A big problem that a lot of people have when kids come along is getting caught up in taking care of the kids an forgetting about taking care of each other. Your husband's frustration could be his way of expressing feeling a little neglected right now. Make sure to always put your relationship first (not just trying to squeeze in some time here and there), or when the kids grow up and leave home, what will you have left?

I promise you, it WILL get better. Babies/Toddlers are HARD work that do add a strain on the best of marriages. PLEASE don't throw your good marriage away just because you're in a rough spot now. As long as you both understand that this is a rough time (and not a bad relationship,) you can get through it together. It will even make your marriage stronger!

I'm SO GLAD you're seeing a therapist. Sometimes people see that as admitting failure. But I am concerned that you see it as a "band-aid." I have seen a therapist on two different occasions in my life, and the first go-round, I wasn't really honest with myself or the therapist. My public and private personas are VERY different, and I treated my therapist as any other "public" acquaintance. I didn't open up like I should have, or even like I wanted to. It's hard telling someone else about stuff that's going wrong sometimes. So my sessions with her were often a "band-aid," too.

You also have to really internalize what they tell you to do and do your best to do it, no matter how ridiculous or time intensive it might seem. I found it helpful to type up the things we were working on as a family and put it on the fridge or bathroom mirror so I'd see it throughout the week. (You don't have to put "things my therapist wants me to do" on it or anything--just call it "family goals" or something, then you won't have to be embarrased if your friends happen to see it.)

On my second time (with a different therapist,) I started out by telling her this problem I have of sharing my innermost self with "public" people. She was really understanding and skillful at asking and probing in just the right way to get me to open up and be honest. I also made her keep on my case about what I said I was going to do outside of our sessions. She was really good about following up with me, and we accomplished so much more after that!

I would encourage you to find a therapist you feel totally comfortable with--someone you might be friends with in a different setting--(or keep the present one, if you feel that way about him/her) and let them know about the "band-aid" issue. They are trained for dealing with those kinds of issues.

It sounds like you love your husband and he loves you. It's just getting all muddled up right now in the fog of every day living. In my opinion, it's NEVER time to separate from a marriage like that!

I hope I've helped you some,
J.

First. I want to give you a big girl-friend hug.

Second. If you feel, on any level that you or your children are in any danger of physical harm, then you need to get out right away. Don't wait.

If you're all safe...

Don't give up! It sounds like there is a lot of good in there, under the day-to-day irritations and dramas.

If you've been in counciling and it's not working - and you're both still willing to go - it may be time for a change of councilors. You may need a fresh approach. No harm, no foul, no fault.

When you have a physical problem, sometimes you have to go to several doctors or health care providers to find the right person who can help. Same goes for therapists and councilors. It's about finding the right fit.

My husband and I recently found an amazing therapist to help us through a very, very bumpy patch. I've worked with a LOT of therapists and councilors over the years and she is, without a doubt, the best I've ever worked with.

Stacy Boston, M.A.
###-###-####
____@____.com

The most important part is if you BOTH want to work through these issues to get to the other side, and build the kind of family and life you BOTH want. The commitment must come from both of you (I'm sure that's why they put it in our marriage vows, "for better or for worse"). If that is not there - if the willingness to do the work is not there - then you have your answer. You cannot make a horse drink.

And remember what Winston Churchill said, "Never, never, never give up". Good advice in our disposable society.

I wish you and your family all the best.

Blessings,

M.

Ok, with the info you shared, here are my first thoughts:
1. try a new therapist. If nothing is changing, than he is probably not doing a good job. Getting the right person for you is going to make all the difference in the world!!!
2. If you're not a domestic person, and if he knew that before you got married, he shouldn't have those expectations. You are who you are, and he probably doesn't meet all your expectations either. If you can, sit down and talk to him about yours and his expectations and goals, and see how you can work together to reach them. ESPECIALLY since you work full time! Does he as well? If so then he must know it's hard to come home after a full day of work and have enough energy to do everything else too. Maybe you can cook some days and him others. Try and come up w/compromises.
3.My sister is an avid believer of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It is really good. I'm reading it, and as I apply things that it says, it really does make a difference. Sometimes it I don't like it, because it kind of makes me feel like I'm responsible for everything, but on the other hand, if it is going to make a difference, then it's worth it. It talks about how men are simple and only need a few certain things, and when those needs are met, they will be our kings and our heros and do whatever we need. There are a lot of real people's stories too which is encouraging. So if you have time to read ;) it's a good book.

My husband and I fight too, and sometimes I get tired of being in the situation, and tired of being put down too. I'm sorry this is going on. I am seeing a therapist too, and he's really good. He's helped me see that when I have a problem it's my problem, and not to point the finger at my husband or expect him to fix it. But that we are in charge of ourselves. He's also helped me to stop 'erasing' myself - like I don't matter. Just know that YOU are IMPORTANT!!! And your feelings and desires Matter! I think men can be really good at being over dominant, but I don't agree w/that! Anyway, sorry to go on for so long! Hope some of this helped! If you need anything let me know!!! I'd love to talk!

I want to say I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is not fun. Second of all the posts that ladys come on here asking for advice they get a lot of the "you have to fix it" speeches. I tried for the 5 years of my marriage to fix it. No I am not perfect, it takes two to make or break it. If divorce is the way that you need to go then it is ok. No it is not easy to get a divorce. It is easier to stay in a misserable marriage. No divorce does not make you less of a person. It makes you stronger. Your kids will adjust. You are not a bad mother to them for getting a divorce either. You are not letting them down. I have 3 little ones and they have grown to be so happy since i left my ex. Had I not left him they would have been the ones suffering. Please don't let anyone make you feel like you are "rotten" for any decision you make. Do what is best for your kids and you. If you hubby and you can't get along and are not happy and therapy is only a bandaid then it sounds like it is time to go your seperate ways. I am all for if you can work it out but there comes a time to leave also. It is not your duty to conform to what he wants you both have to give. Just remember it is ok to call it enough and move on. Good luck and remember you are not alone.

I've been where you are, so I understand how confused and conflicted you feel. You've gotten so much fantastic advice. I didn't read all of it, but I suspect what I'm about to add is different -- and to some may seem irrelevant and a bit silly. But just hear me out and try it.

Set aside a movie night for you and your husband one evening after the kids are in bed -- rent a copy of "The Secret" and watch it together. I don't know if you've heard about the book or movie, but it explains a philosophy/approach toward life that is revolutionary and could change your entire world if you choose to follow the approach it teaches. Oprah has actually talked about it quite a bit over the past two years. Visit this link on her website to get a better idea of the concept: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/spirit/knowyourself/slides...

It may seem simplistic, but as one other woman pointed out, it will make an enormous difference if you will make the decision to focus only on the positives about your husband and your relationship. You are responsible for your own thoughts and what you choose to focus on, and like it or not, so much of what you experience in a relationship (and in life) is merely a reflection of what you are choosing to dwell on most often. If you are constantly stewing on the negatives and how certain aspects of your marriage make you miserable, guess what, you will see more and more of those exact things that make you unhappy until it spins out of control. It's a cycle we get into that self perpetuates. You have to make the choice together to break the cycle of focusing on what makes you unhappy in the relationship and instead choose to find the positives.

What you feed grows... give the positives your attention and those things will flourish and soon will overtake the negatives -- or perhaps the negatives may still be there but you will find one day that you just no longer notice them.

Please don't discount the validity of this practice -- take some time to read more about the concept, watch the movie together and just try it! It is actually very empowering to realize how much command we have over our circumstances. You could make a difference doing this on your own, but how much more powerful if you and your husband discover this together!

My hubby was very skeptical about the whole idea of the law of attraction, but after he saw the movie he totally did an about face. We watch it together now every few months and love it. It helps us remember how powerful it is to keep our attitudes in check... We still have bad days occassionally, but so fewer and farther between.

Please feel free to connect with me via a private message -- and do let me know how you are doing. I really believe this practice can make a profound difference for you. Peace and blessings to you.

"If you look behind you at the past
as you walk into the present moment,
you create your future out of discarded bits of yesterdays,
and will never experience a truly new tomorrow...."

K.

You need to dump the job. I know people get tired of hearing me say this, but my marriage is proof that staying home with the kids is the best way to keep a family together. You would be home spending time with the kids and you would have time to do the domestic stuff. I have the whole day to plan dinner, clean whatever needs cleaned, do some laundry, and 4 yr old kids love to help with that. Your stress level and your husband's stress level will go way down. Most men like to feel like they are taking care of the family. Unless you have a jerk of a husband, if the kitchen isn't totally spotless (dishes in the sink) but you are tickling, giggling and playing in the floor with the kids when he walks in, he will be happy. You would be able to be the woman he wants to come home to every night, and he would have a home he wants to come home to. Separation isn't the answer. You would be breaking up the family for unjustified reasons. I think a lot of people spend a lot of money on marriage counseling and then spend a lot of money on a divorce attorney. You just have to be willing to make some changes. Figure out what it would take for you to stay home. You might have to go without Cable TV, cut coupons for groceries, buy your clothes at consignment shops, buy the $3 hair color instead of going to the salon. You may have to cut back on a lot, but I think it would be worth it to save your marriage. We have to really watch what we spend weekly (my husband actually cuts our son's hair, and does a great job, to save us $10 a month). We do it because we couldn't imagine putting our kids in daycare so that we could have more stuff, and we can't imagine living so stressed out that we would turn against each other. Just think about it. How nice would it be to have the time to create a loving environment for your family?

I have a couple of thoughts that might help --
1) I don't know who you are seeing, but it might be time for a different therapist.
2) What are the core issues? Is this really about the housekeeping? Or is it about control? If you have different standards, you can negotiate the standards or hire some help.
3)I can offer help with cooking -- check out Prefix DInner Studio -- I love them even though I like to cook and I am a very good cook it is exhausting to come up with dinner EVERY night, especially when you work late. You assemble high quality meals at their kitchen (it's quick-- I can put together 6 meals in less than an hour) they are there to help, they do the shopping and the cleanup. I always feel good that there are some meals in the freezer ready to go.
Hope that helps.

Hi, I'm sorry about your situation. I don't know if this will help, but it might: try a different therapist. My husband and I saw one for awhile and didn't realize how unhelpful she was until it became really obvious. When we went to someone else it was like night and day. Good luck to you.

First, I'm so sorry you are struggling in this way. Marriage is supposed to be a 100%/100% partnership and with kids thrown into the mix, I know that can put a strain on a marriage. It sounds like you are doing a great job so far...keep it up!

My husband and I have been married going on 5 years, so I feel somewhat silly offering advice to you, but here's my two cents anyway!

The marriage vows you took said "for better or for worse", not "as long as the for better is more often than for worse". I agree with several of the other women that you are sticking with it, getting outside help, which is WONDERFUL! In our day and age of "no fault" divorces, fighting for a family is rare!

I should tell you (and I'm not trying to brag, so please read on and I'll explain more) that my husband and I have an awesome marriage, now! Neither of us is perfect, so what helped us get past that first HORRIBLE year of fighting ALL THE TIME (and we didn't even have kids yet!)...we discovered and instituted "The Five Love Language" philosophy, among other things like not going to bed angry (no matter how long it took, we talked or fumed on the couch and MOST times, the later it got, the sillier or the pettier the arguement seemed...yes, I'll admit a few times where we admitted defeat and agreed to go to sleep and talk more the next day, but we scheduled a time to talk), I talked with him about what bugged him about the house and told him about how tired I was with working and now with the baby and that I would rather focus on family time during the week when I came home and that I would do house cleaning when the weekend came. He seemed to understand that and was happy that I saw and expressed that he was more important to me than a clean house. I also told him that if something was bugging him, then he could either ask me nicely to do it before the weekend or do it himself and now he doesn't mind that the dishes pile up until the weekend or that sometimes I go two weeks without doing laundry and even will nicely let me know when he is running low on something as a kind hint to get it done sooner rather than later.

Anyway, back to my previous point, The Five Love Languages is a book by a Christian author, but I so believe it is pertintent to anyone and every one regardless of beliefs. It states that everyone can generally be catorgorized into five love languages (Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch (like hugs, kisses, touches on the leg, etc), Words of Affirmation and Gifts). We usually have a primary and a secondary love language and this is how we fill up our love tank which takes effort on our spouse's behalf to fill it up and keep it filled.

For example, my primary love language is physical touch, so if my husband is not hugging and kissing me or coming up behind me and touching my back or things like that, my love tank starts to empty and I start to feel depressed and worthless, but if he is doing those things, I feel that I can focus on his needs more too. My secondary is Words of Affirmation, which means I crave compliments. After doing this for awhile, I find I can tell my husband when I feel my "tank" getting low and he makes sure to give me lots of extra hugs and touches that night or compliments me lots (sincere compliments). In turn, his love languages are quality time (primary) and gifts (secondary) which means he wants me to spend good time with him each day and I lots of time will surprise him with a gift when I go to the store or I get the house work done early, things like that. So I have to make a 100% effort to keep him full and he has to make a 100% effort to keep me full. When we are both full, we discovered that we fought less, were able to talk rationally more and the home life is much nicer. We still fight some, but it seems the fights are easier to resolve and much fewer!!! If you are interested in this, you can find the book on Amazon for relatively cheap or lots of churches do this program and you could call around and see who is doing it (you don't have to be going to their church to take advantage of this book, I wouldn't think...I know in my church, we'd welcome you in!!!). Anyway, the author is Gary Chapman and I would highly suggest even just taking a peak at it...what can it hurt (can you tell that I am now a HUGE advocate of this :oP )?

Also, make an effort to plan special date nights with your husband. Leave the kids with family if you have them in town or find another couple that you could trade off with (for free babysitting for both of you...what could be better!!!) Anyway, that can mean so much to your husband and it gets you two away from the kids for a few hours so you can have grown up adult conversation together.

I also agree with some of the other women when they said pick your battles. It's easy when we get angry to just to continue to nitpick about everything!!!

Sorry this got so long!

Well, good luck and if you need to talk anymore or want more information about the "Five Love Languages" (it works for your kids too!!!) I would be happy to help (my husband and I have now had the pleasure of teaching this class as well as our personal story) or at least let me know how things are going! ____@____.com

S., 25, mom of 10-month-old boy and married 4.5 years!!!

Have you really sat down and talked with your husband? Have him pour out his heart to you and know that you are not going to talk to anyone else about it? Guys need security and trust, they need praise all the time, even for the little stuff we can't believe they need it for, they need to know that they are not a failure in our eyes and we cherish them completely. It sounds like maybe needing to get down to basics. Plan a date without the kids, go away for the weekend and completely surprise him. My friend just surprised her husband for a weekend white water rafting. She got Friday off for him at work, without telling him, planned the whole thing. And he was so appreciative of her and told her how much he loved it and how relaxing it was. Try looking for the good and positive, then every time you see it, appreciate your husband for it, pretty soon the good will outweigh the bad.

WOW, I agree that quitting your job right now would be the worst thing to do (and I'm a SAHM). I only wonder if your counselor is getting to the core issues. If counseling is only a bandaid than you need to dig deeper. I have been to counseling with my husband, I was about done, like you I wanted to make it work. With the help of a counselor we got to the bottom of the issues, it was SO hard but so worth it. I feel you need to consistently go to a good counselor and get to the root of the issues. He sounds like a good man, it would be a shame to give up after 11 years. Hang in there. I know things can get better. Good luck!

Hi there -

You've gotten tons of advice and input, but I'll add my suggestion. My husband and I took an eight week class called Marraige Dynamics through our church. It was SO helpful. I think it really got us to a point where we could talk about things in a safe way and just that talking helped us with other issues. Check out www.familydynamics.net for info and a list of where classes are located. Good luck.

J.

Hi! I wanted you to know that you are not the only one with these problems. There is so much pressure to be "super mom" that it's a never-ending battle! My opinion is that it sounds like there is still alot of love there, but maybe also a lot more stress with the two wee ones and working. Sometimes when my husband and I go through one of our boughts (where we can't stand eachother) we will communicate through e-mails so that there isn't any yelling or interrupting. The best advice I can give based on my experience is EFFORT. I know it is not as easy as it sounds, but trying HARDER to make things EASIER will definately prove who is in to the relationship. (in it to win it:) ) For me, I made finding and making new casserole receipes and crock-pot receipes fun, so that I could put dinner mostly together the night or morning before. Therefore freeing up that few hours we had together in the evening. I also try to save the majority of the housework for the weekends, and just do a quick sweep in the morning or before bed. Little steps! It's funny, but the more attention I gave him, the better we got along. :) Yep, i had to give in first to receive!
My advice for your husband would also be PATIENCE. What is most important to him? A clean house or a close, HAPPY family? Seems like you have a lot on your plate, and he should be a little more understanding and patient in my opinion. Cause you know what they say, a happy wife=a happy life!
ALSO, I have this great book downloaded to my computer by some relationship guru about why men cheat-it is very surprising and definately worth reading! let me know if you want me to e-mail it to you, or i can try to find the name of it for you! good luck-stay strong for your babies!

Hey S.,
I have been married for 25 years and together for 26.
I have been through what you are saying and we had 4 kids together and one of them was ours together.
It seemed to be worse when all the kids were gone. I needed some space and he was always complaining about the house. I love to cook and do alot of ahead of time meals. I freeze thing like chili and spaegetti , I use the crook pot for roast and stew etc. It's so much better to have a home cooked meal and it actually cost less.
If you think the love is still there deep inside you need to work on your marriage. I was divorced with two kids and it's not easy noadays or ever.
Read the book The five love lessons. You will see where we all have different love languages. Sorry it's love languages not lessons. I read this with my husband and we are very different with our lover languages but it can work out great if we find out what it is that we need and want in a relationship. It takes work but it can work out for the best.
We have a tendency to take each other for granted. I really wanted to get out of this relationship but I think it's going to work. It's not easy believe me but from experience the divorce can be much worse.
The book helps alot. Your girls will thank you for it .
Your husband needs to try and work with you. Have a date night . Even if it's go out for a burger.
Your young and life can be great if you get on the same page.
I know because I work on it daily.
Joy

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure what you can do about your husband and I think only you can decide when to separate. You will know when enough is enough. I thought of a couple things that might help you in the kitchen. CROCK POT!! Crock Pot cooking is super easy and will save you tons of time. Your dinner will basically be ready when you get home so you will still have time for the kids and hubby will get his hot cooked dinner. Another option - maybe cook a couple meals on the weekend and freeze them. Or better yet - BBQ!! Hubby wants food have him help out and cook it on the grill. We grill lots of chicken (sometimes I even make extra for salads during the week), steak, burgers & fish. I'm no whiz in the kitchen either. As far as being domestic, if you can afford it, I recommend hiring a house cleaner. Taking that stress off you will make you happier. Unfortunately, no one told us how hard it is to make a marriage work especially when you have kids and you are working full time on top of that. Sometimes it takes a long time to adjust - your kids are still really little and require so much from you. Now I'm just babbling.
Good luck to you.

You are in a tough situation. But I feel there is almost nothing worse than divorce. People sometimes stay together for the kids but it needs to be more than that. You and your husband need each other. You probably fight because there are ways you need to fill each others' emotional cup better. It's like that song, ... if you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. . . I'm not sure the title. Also look into changing your work schedule. No one can be a domestic goddess when they have three hours a day to accomplish it all. How do you ever get the laundry done? I'm a very sympathetic stay at home mom. Next time you fight just start laughing. That's what I've started doing. I try to look at the humor of it. Usually the argument kind of fizzles out and sometimes I even get a smile out of my husband. Make a deal like, if you quit leaving your clothes on the couch then I'll dust. I don't know. Best wishes and hang in there.

S., I think you got some really good suggestions, though I think you also got a couple of klinkers. (Quitting your job when your marriage is as unstable as it is at this moment is a klinker suggestion - don't do that.) I saw some suggestions about using a crock pot and that's a very practical and great suggesion.

I'd add that most grocery stores have a deli nowadays and you could stop by the store and pick up something that merely needs to be reheated and dinner is ready. Even though we don't have children living in the house (husband's live with their mother in another state and my own are grown up) I still stop by the supermarket deli on rushed days or days when I just don't want to invest the time in cooking.

But as for your core question, whether it is time to call it quits, search your heart. That's where the answer lies. You do say that hubby is a fantastic father and that he pitches in and helps around the house and that he's willing to go to counseling. All of those are strong points in his favor and lots of men out there will not measure up to him. Clearly, you also still admire some of his qualities or you would not have mentioned them. My guess is that when you search your heart, you will find you want to stay and work it out.

Hi S.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It must be so hard to keep it all together. I know this may sound drastic, but it would be worth it to save your marriage: How about quitting your job, and staying home with your kids? I know it might be harder financially, but if you want to save your marriage I think it's worth a try. Then when your husband gets home from work you have time to spend with him without the craziness of just getting home from work and getting the kids settled and trying to get dinner ready, and all of those household things. I'm not very domestic either. So I completely understand that. I just try and make simple things for dinner and do little things around the house. Even if I only get one load of laundry a day done and make a frozen pizza and salad for dinner, at least my husband sees that I tried :-) I really hope that you and your husband are able to work things out!

May I gently point out that you have way too much on your plate? A marriage AND two tiny girls AND a household AND a full-time job. Who wouldn't be falling apart? Nobody is expected to accomplish all this and do it well.

Find a way to cut way, way back on working, or your compromises on husband and house and kids will ruin your family. I'm not saying this is your fault. I'm saying that you're the one person who has the power to change EVERYTHING.

And please let me apologize on behalf of the feminist movement of the 1970's. They were a bunch of stoned teenagers and young adults who came up with an arbitrary idea of how women's lives should play out. They were wrong. Nobody can "have it all", and I'm sorry that the media embraced that message for several decades, because clearly it doesn't work.

I would say that if you still want to try to keep the marriage alive, then there is hope! DOes your husband want a divorce, or is he willing to keep trying? It sounds like there are respect issues, if you are being talked down to. That needs to be repaired. Have you sought help with this when you see your therapist? If you being "domestic" is so important to him, maybe you could try using a crock pot for dinners--there are a lot of recipes that are basically foolproof, and you can throw the ingredients in there and have dinner ready when you get home at 6:30, so you can focus on the family and not have the added stress of getting dinner done. Hire someone to help with the cleaning or other doemstic duties if you can, and then there is less pressure on you. I am so sorry that you are having a rough time in your marriage...I hope you can make it work!

I understand how you are feeling. My children’s dad and I have been together for 11 years and have 3 children together, 7, 51/2, and 2. My parents got divorced when I was 7 and I had to go back and forth between them. I don’t want to put my children through that, but I also know that it is not good for them to be in a house were mom and dad are not happy with each other. I have been telling my friends for years that I didn’t like the way that the kid’s dad was treating me or talking to me. He and I also don’t like counseling, because we both had bad experiences, so that rout is not brought up too often.
1 day Dad was at a meeting and it was just me and the children for dinner. I don’t remember what I was doing, but my daughter, the oldest of the 3, said, “You and daddy fight too much. I think that you 2 shouldn’t be together.” Well, after she said that it made me realize how much our fighting is affecting my children. Maybe when it is time to call it quits is when your child says something like that.

Stick it out, it will get better. I know it is hard when you feel like all you do is fight, but as long as there are at least some good times, you need to stay. Go to flylady.net that will give you some really great advice on the houseword issue, and also on just learning to love yourself to the point where his opinion will not really get to you. Lots of easy to use routines, that have changed my life....I am NOT a domestic type person, and have struggled through 10years of marriage until the last few months when I found fly lady. Now it is easier for me to get things done.

Could you cut your work back to part-time? That way, you could have more time to do the things around the house and get dinner made for the family.

I'm sorry to hear how much stress you're dealing with... I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I work long days (as does my husband) and don't get home until 6:30 and I am the one who cooks, cleans, scoops the cat box, etc, and sometimes it really feels like way too much, especially when your husband talks down to you at times.

You also state that there are definitely good things, such as him being a great father, being open to counseling (wow!), and helping out with even a few things around the house. I say try and be strong and stick with it - you two have been together for a long time and I think you can make it long-term.

Things that have helped me deal with the problems we share...

I learned to pick my battles, I decided that a lot of things weren't really that important and if I disagree with him, I ask myself what will I accomplish by arguing? If it's important to me, then I will argue my opinion. If I'm only arguing to prove I'm right, then I let it go.

I let my house get messy during the week. The dishes pile up, the laundry baskets fill, the living room has things on the floor. Then I focus on cleaning during the weekends. Yes, you want your weekend to be your break, but this works for me, and I still get my break after getting all the laundry and cleaning done. You could spend Sunday doing some meal prep as others have suggested.

Your oldest child is getting to the age where she will be able to start helping with a few things around the house - sorting/carrying laundry, dusting low shelves, picking up toys in the living room, etc.

I know this was long, but I want you to know you're not the only woman in this situation. Also, I feel so much better than I did a year ago because I started doing the things I listed above. Be strong, be patient, and I wish the best for you and your marriage.

what are the bandaides? how does counceling help. My opinion is that maybe the two of you need to sit down and negotiate. if he feels like he's doing everything, he's probably frustrated. it is hard to come home from work and make dinner. i would work part-time at least to help out. maybe i'm not the best example to follow or to get advice from, but being a mom is hard. it's a full time job. i'm a stay at home mom, and trying to keep the house clean, cook, and take care of my baby is like trying to work two full time jobs. as far as your marriage goes, do what you can to save it. personally, if quitting will help, do it. you can always find another job if you need to. also, tell your husband things you love and like about him. write or email him love notes. etc

I will ask for forgiveness upfront. This will sound harsh. Please know it is out of love and empathy for your situation.

1. Do you think your kids or your self will be any happier as a single mom?
2. Sit down, work out a tight budget and find a way to stay home with your family! Not only for your husband, but for your kids. Your kids have a mom for what? Maybe 2 - 4 hours a night. That leave little to no time for your husband. I am not saying he is perfect, no one is. But your commitment was to him, not your job. He is hurting and feeling abandoned and not handling it well. You are feeling un-loved on top of exhaustion!
3. I am not domestic either, not by a long shot. I hate it frankly. I worked for years in the male dominated world of high tech.... But I did some serious soul searching before I got married and had kids. It is a commitment that is tough but worth it. Anything worth doing right is usually tough and requires sacrifice. But you know in your hear of hearts.. IT IS WORTH IT!!!!
4. I am a product of divorce. I had 4 families ripped apart in my life time. (3step). I was a mess through my 20's. I had to make a conscience effort to make changes in my behavior not to repeat those devastating years for my kids. I say, unless he is abusing you physically/mentally or cheating, you find a way to make it work. If seperation is an option, you will take it. Do not let it be an option.

So, I hope both your hearts are softened. God bless you!

M.

Go to a christian counselor/pastor (you can find one at your church) and get grounded in your roles as husband and wife. Depend on your faith because every human being has the same types of challenges you do. It's just a matter of how we deal with them. Put faith and action together to *create* the type of marriage and family life you want. It'll be work and you can do it!

Hello Sarah, I am sorry about your relationship problems. There are some great books, especially the book, "I promise" by Gary Smalley that show things that you can do for your marriage even if your spouse doesn't care about working on your marriage. I am horrible at telling about book, but I just wanted you to know that it has been great for mine and I highly recommend it!

You're not perfect, he's not perfect, THAT is a relationship, there will be good days and bad days, and sometimes there will be more bad then good. If there is anyway to make it work, then do it. The only thing that you can change is you, That is the best starting place, if you know he is unhappy with the state of the house, do more to change that, once he see's a real effort on your part he will be more inclined to help. Don't have time for dinner, get prep work done one night of the week for the whole week, make the crock pot your best friend. You don't need to quit your job to make this work, and in todays economy that probably isn't a wise move and may cause more problems. Don't think this is all about you, I am sure he has some issues of his own, but he isn't the one we are talking to at the moment so all we can do is help you, help yourself, and maybe save your marriage.

So for a little background, I have been married 18 years, our marriage has survived cheating ( I am raising the children of this affair) and some not so nice years, and a few years of seperation. It was HARD work but looking back today it was all well worth the effort, and know we have 7 kids.

You have a marriage PLUS two toddlers! That's a daily test on a marriage. I know when I'm feeling out of control with my children (and that's very easy to feel when they are in the toddler stage) I get picky at my husband and he does the same with me. Suddenly neither of us is doing well enough for the other. Thankfully we have done lots of work to learn about ourselves, learning better communication skills, etc., so we both are able to catch ourselves or softly let the other know they are getting too controlling and then take our steps to come back down to earth. It's great you guys are in therapy...even though it may feel like a simple bandaid, it shows so much willingness from both of you. My SIL and brother have an autistic child and their marriage is constantly tested. I told her one time that I really believe that people who stay married are the ones who didn't get divorced when the thought crossed their mind. Is it possible you could get in some individual time with your therapist? I've found that working on myself individually has been a really wonderful thing in all my relationships. I started getting individual help. The changes within me started immediately and my husband saw this and followed my tracks.

If your counselor is not helping you, find another one that specializes in cognitive behavior therapy, and go separately from each other.

Also, before considering separation, read a book called, "Everything you need to know about divorce" or something like that. It will open your eyes to a few things about divorce and hopefully make each of you want to keep trying.

For example: the younger your kids are, the harder a divorce is on them. They blame themselves no matter what you say because they are so egocentric, their little brains can't comprehend that it is not their fault. Also, after a divorce or separation, they always feel like a visitor in either home and feel lonely. They feel like they have to be extra good around you or extra, extra naughty. Also, your kids, especially daughters, have a 50% chance of being molested by your next boyfriend or step-dad.

I am in graduate school right now to become a counselor and these facts that I have told you are true, and your family will not be an exception. Go find a better counselor and go by yourself if you have to!

I don't work and I have a 6 and 4 year old's. I feel like I can't be wonder women all the time. I don't like to cook either. We really don't fight, but I just feel he wants me to do more. Like one night I asked him if he could start doing homework with my 6 year old son because me and my son has a problem when it comes to homework. Well my husband's response was "that was my job". I just gave the dirty look and didn't even get into it at that time because we were eating dinner and the kids were there. I waited till we went to bed to discuss his remark. I don't feel that it's not one person's job when it comes to the kids. We have been married for 11 years and life did change after the kids were born. Life also made another change when I began an at home mom. I just wanted to let you know you weren't alone. I would like to make a suggestion to you. If he wants you to be more domestic. You work hire a house keeper for the house. Buy a crockpot receipe book. Put it in and it will be ready for dinner. Also when I lived in California they had a Savory Solutions. It's where you go in take an hour out of a Saturday and put together some meals from their receipes and freeze them till you need them. Got to get back to my little ones. No school today. Good Luck and hang in there. D.

You mention therapy as a band-aid -- but therapy needs to be part of thee healing, not just a cover to keep things going. Find a therapist that both of you feel comfotrable with and make a commitment to follow the advice you get not just try it and then dump it. Change is possible, but it takes effort. The same way a happy marriage is possible but it REQUIRES work to keep it happy.
On the housework front: my husband knows that he is only allowed to complain about how I do it if he wants to take it on. But that is something you should explore with your therapist too.
Don't give up on a guy who is a good father - your girls really need a strong and present father in their lives, and divorce could ruin that for them. Focus on his positive traits, spend time remembering the good times and why you married him. Remember that you made a commitment and then work as hard as you can to make that commitment fulfilling for you, for him, and for your family.
Good luck to you.

First, try everything you can to make it work, relationships are very hard, separating is the easy way out and it is not guaranteed you will be happy. (Grass isn't always greener on the other side) You need mommy and daddy time. And use this time to take care of each other. I think there is more to it than your just not domestic enough, he should know that by now if you have been together for 11 yrs. Here is what I would do....
Make sure your hubby is getting enough love (if you know what I mean) if he is satisfied in that area then move to the next area...taking care of the house/cooking/cleaning. What my hubby and I do is take about 20-30 min and throw in some laundry, do the dishes (I wash, he dries), and dust a little. ASK HIM FOR HELP! It really isn't that hard if you help each other. Then on the weekends (usually Sat morning) I clean bathrooms, sweep, and mop. That is the best I can do and my hubby knows that. I work full-time and we have a 5 month old daughter. As for cooking...you don't have to make everything from scratch, do it the semi home-made way! Or ask your hubby to barbacue and you make the side dishes. Make things that are easy to prep...cook casseroles, use a crockpot..you just need to plan your meals (and make things that are easy but still healthy and good) I love the cooking show semi home-made with Sandra L. on food network. She has great ideas that are easy!
Last but definitely not least is take care of yourself. If you are stressed ask your hubby to massage your shoulders (then do his, its a nice trade:) and will relax you both!!!

It sounds mostly like a communications/expectations issue. Here is my suggestion:

1- Date night. Pick one night a week (Friday is common) and you and you hubby go out without the kids. Go to dinner, or go to a movie, or miniature golfing, or just walking in the park, or whatever. Talk about things that won't create arguments. Get back to what got you together. Make the date night SACRED!! (Trust me, it makes a big difference)

2- Learn how to use the I-message (I felt _____ when ______ happnened. Don't say when you _____ because that feels like fault finding, focus on the event rather than the person). Practice it. Use it whenever you are unhappy about something that happened.

3- Don't discuss issues when things are 'hot'. Allow both of you a cooling down time, then discuss the issue calmly. A friend of mine who's a marriage coucelor once said that we rarely discuss the deep issues. Deal with the issue at hand without trying to dig deep into the underlying 'cause'.

4 - When things are calm and kids are away, sit down and talk about what you both expect. It sounds like you both work full time, so you should expect to both take care of the home. Set up a schedule of who does what and when. And your girls can start doing chores too (even 2-year-olds can sort/fold socks with help). And when its your night to cook, do a quick meal (hamburger helper and frozen veggies for example) or a croc-pot meal - throw it in before work and when you get home its ready (there's some frozen varieties available if you want to start there). After the girls are in bed and before you settle down, do a quick 10 minute tidy up - together - so that things don't build up to a big job.

I really hope this helps! One last note - every time either of you leave, always say "I love you." That one simple sentance can turn the relationship around!

I know that my marriage with my husband has changed since we had our first child 10 months ago. It is just expected that the wife takes care of everything having to do with the house and the baby! I finally started to give my husband a choice (do you want to feed the baby or get his diaper bag ready?) instead of trying to do it all myself. At least he is involved this way, and he doesn't mind helping if he just knows what to do. I work part time, and it works out very well for us. I don't know if you guys ever get a date night, but if not... GO! I know it can be difficult. I hate leaving my child even for an evening (especially since I work already) but your marriage is SO important to your children. Try to work it out. Go with your husband and see the movie "Fireproof". It's in the theatres and it's a great movie about marriage. Also, Gary Smalley wrote two books, one for men and one for women. They are "If Only He Knew" and "For Better or Best". My pastor keeps both on hand and hands them out to any couple having trouble. My best wished to you.

Hi S.. I'm the same age as you, and also have 2 children. A 3 1/2 yr. old girl and 1 yr. old boy. I am also going through a rough time with my husband. I was working until a year ago, before the birth of my son. Ever since then, I feel like our marriage has changed. I do everything around the house. He feels since he is the only one working, I should have to do everything else. I love our children, but not sure what has happened to our marriage. He does nothing special or romantic, we constantly get into disagreements, etc. Right now I am trying to get back to work so that I can be more independent...especially if things don't work out with us. I am sorry to hear of your problems, I wish I knew the answer. I've asked my husband to consider therapy and his response is we don't have time for it. If you've been in therapy and it is not helping then you have to decide what is best for you. I'm sorry I don't have better advice, I'm still trying to figure out what to do in my situation but wanted you to know there are others like you in similar situations. Hopefully we can find what the right choice is for us & our families.

I am writing from a Christian perspective.
You need to BECOME the wife he's dreaming of. Period. And that's not, at the core, what you DO, so much as what your ATTITUDE is. No keeping score. No more arguing. It takes two to have an argument. The bottom line is SELFISHNESS is why people "can't" work things out in a marriage.

Like Dr. Phil says, "Try it UNTIL." (Until things start changing.) Don't try things once or twice and say, "Well, I tried and that didn't work." Things WILL get better, but he needs to become the leader of the home. He needs to feel that you RESPECT him. I think, more than anything, your ATTITUDE will determine how things end up going.

Hang in there.

You know I listen to Dr. Laura (not because I want too)I do not care for her views. It is not a reality for all moms to be stay at home mothers. Does your husband work? I know how hard it is to keep up with the house and work. Maybe there needs to be a change with your job. If he wants you to be more domestic and be a stay at home mom, than you should think about that. Dont get me wrong, I work full time and so does my husband. I drop my daughter off at 7:30 and work from 8:30-5:00. My husband works even longer hours so by the time I get home to cook, it tends to be later too. If the job change is not an option, than you may want to consider cooking meals on the weekend and freeze them. It works great. Spagetti sauce, lasagna, fried rice, etc. You can make it all on the weekends and freeze. Then just pull it out heat and eat. I know the dinners are not all the problems in your relationship, but it could be a start to a change. I know it is hard. You have been together for a long time so it was not like you all jumped into something. Maybe just think about what you want long and hard. If you give up than there is no use for you to stay in a realationship which you have given up on. It just makes things worse. Maybe have some date nights. Just to spend some one on one attention with each other. Hope that helps:) Good luck,

Hi S.,

A few things my sister told me has really helped, eventhough they sounded really odd at the time, she told me to try them, and just see if they worked. She pointed out that I couldn't change my husband's attitude or behavior, but I could change mine, even if I didn't think I was at fault over some things. She also told me to change my way of thinking, that I should never let negative thoughts enter my mind about my husband, that when a negative thought entered my mind to immediately dismiss it. Next she told me to throw out any expectations I had for my husband, that my expectations were undermining the life he was choosing for himself, and that I needed to cut off the negative energy he was sending me because it was undermining the life I was choosing. As far as living together, and liking each other, you need to be a couple first and parents second, which only means that you need to work on your relationship, which means how you relate to each other. Living with the opposite sex isn't easy, you have to realize that you are wired differently, and when he wants you to be more domestic, it sounds like the fact that you aren't, makes him feel like less of a man. You each have roles and with today's society, they are blurred, you need to figure out together what roles you each need to play. Make it work, it doesn't have to be perfect, nothing is. But in the long run, if you don't give up, you both will be happier and your children will grow to be well adjusted, productive adults. I wish you luck and blessings.