29 answers

Husband "Friends" Ex Wife on Facebook

i am normally not the jealous type, and i have no fear that my husband wants to be with is ex wife. she hurt him terribly. he wasn't even going to accept the friend request, but his ex mother in law, who has remain a part of our lives, asked him to.

**EDIT* they have no children together. and i am not afraid or threatened by her, i just dont want her in my life, reading what we post, looking at our pics that we post, posting comments on our baby pics! she has not yet, because this just happened, but i don't even want it to be an option for her. i am not interested in having her in our life in an way shape or form!**
*EDIT** absolutely did not cheat on her with him!! they were divorced when i met him.**

i don't mind us going out to visit his ex-MIL, and his ex niece and nephew, whom she is raising, even though she insists on talking to me about his ex wife. it is not their fault that he is no longer a part of their family, and they adore him. so we visit them, he helps her around the farm sometimes, we have invited his ex-nephew to work with him some this summer, we visit them on the kids birthdays, and they are getting to know our daughter.
is this not enough?
am i over reacting?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Since they don't have children together it is weird.

I'm FB "friends" with my ex but we have a child together. That's a different situation imho.

I don't blame you for being put off by this.

2 moms found this helpful

Thats right , you can change the account settings so she can not comment on anything. or look at any or SOME pics... But I have to say, Its a weired situation you have!!!!

i don't think you're being the jealous type here. you sound like a sensible, pleasant, confident person, and it's so cool that you recognize how much his ex's family loves him and don't get in the way of it.
friending her on FB is too much, though. FB is a silly world and shouldn't be given too much weight, but i'd be uncomfortable with this. and since you've been very relaxed and accommodating, he shouldn't hesitate one instant before deleting her to accommodate you.
khairete
S.

More Answers

I have some of my own family members I won't even "friend" on FB. I don't want to associate with them in person, and I sure don't want to associate with them on FB.

4 moms found this helpful

Wondering why he would put his ex-MIL's feelings over yours...not cool.

3 moms found this helpful

OMG, no, you are NOT overreacting! You are much more generous and patient and understnding about this situation than I would be. For me, this would be a dealbreaker. I would tell my husband to pack his bags and remarry her!!! Seriously, THEY HAVE NO KIDS TOGETHER, so there is no reason for them to ever keep in touch ever again, let alone be FB friends. No, no, no, that is very inappropriate! It doesn't matter if his ex MIL or ex niece/nephews still likes/loves him. He is out of their life now and has created a life with you! Instead of hanging out with his ex family, why don't you guys try hanging out with your current families? Best wishes.

2 moms found this helpful

Since they don't have children together it is weird.

I'm FB "friends" with my ex but we have a child together. That's a different situation imho.

I don't blame you for being put off by this.

2 moms found this helpful

Did the ex have his child? If not, it is weird and inappropriate. Plus it is disrespectful to your marriage. YOUR HUSBAND needs to set boundaries with the exMIL. No talking about the ex in front of you. Usually divorce includes extended family unless the couple had a child together.

2 moms found this helpful

If you're not comfortable with it, he should "unfriend" her. Period. YOU are his wife now, he needs to respect your feelings on this. Facebook can be great, but it also allows people into your lives and may give access to things, pictures etc that you don't want certain people seeing.
I personally wouldnt like it, unless they had been friends before and there was already a good repor between them that you were already comfortable with.

2 moms found this helpful

if he friends her (to make ex MIL happy) just change his account settings. you can change almost anything to make certain people not see a thing. You go to privacy I think. anyway, you can basically set is so all friends except her will see pictures he posts, or any wall posts he makes. this way, no ones feelings get hurt. he accepts the request. but to make you happy, she doesn't have to see everything that yall post on his wall, etc.

1 mom found this helpful

Does your DH have kids with her? If so you are rather tied to her with communication. That being said if she has to communicate it should be done via phone, email or text and not FB. My DH's ex (no children) wanted to friend him on FB...I said remove her and he did...There really is no reason for them to be connected on FB..That's the approach you should take with him...

1 mom found this helpful

A big no no. Your husband has no business associating himself with his ex-wifes family. They have no ties together (no children). He should'nt even be talking to his ex MIL. Also, the supposedly nephew and niece really c'mon. I know it's not the kids fault but technically he's not their uncle. He isn't married to their aunt anymore. Why would he have a relationship with those kids and MIL? What's the purpose.? Really. Your husband needs to move on. He should make a decision either you or his past life. He seriously needs to delete the exwife from facebook. That is just calling for trouble. Don't feel like your feeling selffish it's the right moral thing to do. Don't put up with it and put your feet on the ground. You need to seperate yourselves from that family. Set an ultimatum. Draw the line and do not give any free passes. Be firm about it. Seriously because if you aren't your husband will continue to take advantage of that fun little ride he's been taking. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

There are a couple things wrong here:

1) You're sending mixed signals. You are ok with everyone in her family and going to visit them. If her family is in the picture then the ex comes along with them. All or nothing. It's oddly entwined. Of course they will talk about her. That's what they know is him and her together. The miss him and wish he was still there.

2) His ex family is trying to hold onto him inspite of you . The ex MIL has no business begging him to add her daughter. He needs to move on and she should respect that.

Sounds like your husband is trying to hold on as well. Not saying he will cheat on you with his ex, but he may be holding on to what he was at one time comfortable with. You mentioned he was hurt terribly. So I am assuming it ended because he had no other choice out of respect for himself, or she left him or something along those lines. Point is, at that time I am thinking it took a turn that he didn't expect. You need to get him as far away from them as possible. There are still emotions there. That energy needs to be put towards you.

They are his past, your are his present and future. He needs to delete his ex. I too would not like an ex-wife lurking and believe me, that's what she'll do. Maintain the privacy. She threw him away and now needs to go away. He's your man now.

1 mom found this helpful

He can always delete her from his "friend list". Just say don't know what happened, I confirmed you. Some things are for you and your family and friends and the ex doesn't need to know anything about your married life. Even if he does have a child with her he does not have to be "connected" to her on everything. That is what a phone is for. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Nope, your not overreacting. Its clear that your not jealous, but having (some) of your life private from his ex wife would be nice. I think ex MIL needs to butt out a bit. I totally agree.

1 mom found this helpful

i don't think you're being the jealous type here. you sound like a sensible, pleasant, confident person, and it's so cool that you recognize how much his ex's family loves him and don't get in the way of it.
friending her on FB is too much, though. FB is a silly world and shouldn't be given too much weight, but i'd be uncomfortable with this. and since you've been very relaxed and accommodating, he shouldn't hesitate one instant before deleting her to accommodate you.
khairete
S.

I would be uncomfortable with this as well.

I haven't read any other posts so sorry if I am repeating. I am friends with my ex husband and we speak every day and have two kids together. Do I want him on my facebook? NO! You are not over reacting. There is no need for her to be on there. I find that awkward but if he must have her on there for some odd reason I would block her from the pictures.

I think it's weird that the ex MIL had any input on the facebook issue. Who is on your friend list is personal, I find that odd. Why did she care? She knows they are divorced, I would think the ex knows that he is still in her mother's life, these aren't secrets. I think as you said it is nothing to worry about like cheating wise but I think her commenting on your pics and stuff would be strange. I am cool with an ex boyfriend that I dated for several years and thought at the time I would marry but I am not facebook friends with him. Not because it is wrong but because I don't want to shove my complete happiness in his face all the time you know? We would be totally fine if we bumped into each other but although we are each friends with many of the same people on FB, we keep a respectful distance from each other. So yeah it's kind of weird. Now my hubby is friends with one ex, bc she friended him, but it wasn't that serious and he didn't want to be rude, but me, I don't care if someone thinks I am rude, it's my page ;) Anyway, I don't think it would be as weird if MIL wasn't involved.... I think you should talk to him about this some more....

I think you are over reacting. My ex and I are friends on FB, my sister is friends with her ex on FB, they were married at 16 and divorced by 19. They have no kids together either.

Geez, is this high school or what? No, it's more like Jr. High.

Have your own account. Put your pictures on your account and put the security for friends only. If you put friends of friends anyone you are friends with that has friends you don't even know can look at your albums. I have my family pictures on FB and I can promise you that they are set for friends only. Your guy should not even be able to share them on his page if they are friends only.

If you don't want the Ex as part of your lives, don't friend her. And let ex-MIL know that you love and respect her and want her to continue to be an important part of your lives, but that having the ex in a relationship with you is just no possible.

Also, keep in mind that ex-MIL can just easy share your photos & updates, etc., with her daughter.... So you can't actually stop the ex from seeing. However, sometimes, it is the spirit of the thing that is more important, and so I understand you not wanting to friend her.

Thats right , you can change the account settings so she can not comment on anything. or look at any or SOME pics... But I have to say, Its a weired situation you have!!!!

Why do you hate her so much that you dont want her to see pics of you and the kids? If she is just a wife from his past you shouldnt be holding so much animosity towards her. Were you cheating with him while they were still married? Otherwise she's just another person from his history and he has some ties to the niece and nephew because he must be a good role model for them? You cant help the fact that your MIL sitll cares for her, she must have been a half way decent person otherwise mom in law wouldnt be having anything to do with her either. I'm just curious. My husband has 2 ex's, neither of them threaten me. Just sayin and that what's done is done and maybe you shouldnt let it get to you. Do you think she wants him back, do you think he would give up his family for her? It sounds more like a personal marital issue rather than a facebook issue if you ask me. Just my thoughts.

You are not over reacting. It is weird. Sounds like your husband is just trying to be nice to his ex-MIL. Has the ex-wife asked to be friends? Anyway, if he wants to do it just to be nice, there are all kinds of settings as others have mentioned. My daughter has her account locked for other reasons, but it keeps certain people form having access to certain things.

Good job for being so mature about the visits with the ex's family.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. There are healthy boundaries that should be set. Why did the ex-MIL have any say on who he's freinds w/ on facebook? I think it's great that he keeps in touch w/ some past family - but there sould be some healthy boundaries. Like facebook is off limits... I would as him to cancel his FB all together or unfriend her (which I know is tough), but your opinion should matter more than the ex-MIL's....

No this isn't High School. It is your feelings. Since they do not have children together, why does she "need" to be his friend? Is she going to look at your pictures and dream about the life she could have had? cb

It sounds like you are already uncomfortably entwined. I don't like the idea of friends on Facebook. They shouldn't be so involved in each others lives but if you don't want drama just hide her posts (by clicking on the right hand corder of one of her posts, a little "x" will appear and it will give you the option to hide her and you won't see any more of her posts. Also, if you go into the privacy settings you can block her from seeing your husbands posts. It's a good compromise. It's like friends without being friends. KWIM?

I do agree, though, it's too much.

I wouldn't want my ex looking through my pics either. Actually I don't post many anymore for that reason. There is always someone that will know him and tell him my business or show him my pics. She may be curious and read everything you do and see pics of him. I wouldn't like that at all. She will see what your friends say to you and what you and your hubby say to each other. NO WAY! It's good to know they don't have kids together. My hubby will still talk to my ex BIL because they were friends and have the same interests like hunting & fishing. They would talk about how they did and tell stories so I'm sure they'll still talk. My sister doesn't mind because it was her choice to leave him. They have kids together and they may come with us to the cabin sometime with him since she doesn't like that sort of thing. It will be kind of awkward for me at first but I'm also not the type to run and blab people's business. He will have to learn to trust me in that way. I wouldn't go to the ex MIL's house anymore. I would tell him that it is getting to be too much and u don't want your child wondering who she is. I would also tell him that you don't enjoy hearing about his ex wife when you're there. Maybe the kids could come to your house instead if u even want to go that far.

Nothing in your post would warrant him friending the ex wife but you were vague about why your radar is up. If you found out by accident or coincidence that he has friended his ex on face book then that would make one's radar go off. If you have confidence in the your marriage and in your man and are fostering a strong bond with him don't sweat him friending her. You are the wife now and by default should have the upper hand as it were. Don't go all paranoid and clingy but keep things fun, surprising and sexy for your husband. This should be done with or without this radar activating situation of the facebook friending.

I hope this helps.

K.R.

Sounds like your husband is a really nice man and his former wife's mother might wish he and her daughter hadn't split. That he wants to be a part of his former wife's family, especially the children and helps around their farm suggests that he doesn't want to sever all of the ties either. Has he known his former mother-in-law since he was a kid? If he's known the children all their lives, he probably doesn't think of his niece and nephew as EX. What kind of relationship does he have with your mother and his mother? What does his mother think about his relationship with his former wife's family?

Personally I wouldn't want to visit the farm and have conversations with the former wife's mother. If your not worried about anything, I would have him visit on his own and ask him to UNfriend is former wife because it upsets you. It would also be better if the children could come to your house for visits.

You are not over reacting, it's a very awkward situation and I think you are being an understanding wife and your husband should be sensative to your feelings.

Blessings.....

I do think you are over-reacting a little bit.

Your husband is still very much a part of his "ex family" and she's going to hear about all of your life events regardless. He is still part of their family... he divorced the wife, not the whole family, so please stop referring to them as "ex-nephews" and "ex-nieces".

If you told him that it was okay to accept the request, then you need to let it go. If she posts something inappropriate (not just your impression), then have him delete the posting.

I think your husband is too involved with his ex-family. You are right, it's not their fault, but unfortunately, that is a casualty of divorce. They have no children, therefore his relationship with HER family needs to be only with them. This doesn't include his EX-wife. If ex-MIL can't understand that he doesn't want a relationship with her and that you don't give two-bumps about her, it may be time to stop hanging out with them.

There are settings you can change on FB to not allow her access to just about anything. I suggest that he make those changes.

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