My boyfriend & I have been together for a year & a half. We love each other very much. We are truly best friends. Also, we live together (fyi) - a couple of months ago I found he was emailing with an old friend (a girl, but not ex girlfriend) and telling her some things about our relationship. (struggles we were having) ... I felt very betrayed. He apologized profusely , etc etc. Told me how much he loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, etc. He said he would give me his password but never did. Since then I am like crazy, jealous woman. I have lost all trust :-( He doesn't go out much with his friends, he spends all his free time with me, although we work opposite schedules we talk often during the day on the phone and spend every weekend together. How do I move on? He really is a great guy. And before this email situation, I never had any reason to doubt him.
PS - I guess I should add, he mentioned to his friend that he was thinking of breaking up. But then when I talked to him about it he said that is not what he meant, he didn't want to break up, he loves me , etc. That is the part most hard for me to get over.
*If he would have told ANYONE that he was going to break up with me my feelings would have been the same, woman or man. And, everything I have said in this post I have talked to him about. I was just looking for other peoples perspective on the situation. I really do love him and I want to move past this. We are even going on a trip in December for me to meet his extended family. I do believe he loves me, we get along GREAT. And, I know it was wrong of me to snoop. I guess if you go looking for something you will find it.
I dont understand what is to forgive?
Lets see, you snooped through his stuff, found emails, and put him through hell for it for talking to a friend about his problems.
Do you really wonder why he is thinking about breaking up with you?
I am not trying to be mean, but if he is a great guy and you love him, then treat him that way or he will find someone that does.
I'm going to take a different approach here. Your instincts are screaming at you for a reason. You've been trying to convince yourself that you're wrong for feeling the way you feel over having been betrayed, but seriously... he crossed a line. He confided in another woman about breaking up with you instead of telling you, his supposed "best friend" and girlfriend, what he was feeling and thinking. You had no clue until you happened upon the conversation. He's still not being transparent in his communications with this woman in spite of your insecurities.
Listen to your instincts. We have them for a reason. When men aren't being honest with us, they tell us whatever they think we want to hear so that there isn't a fight. Avoid, avoid, avoid. They do whatever it takes to convince us that if there ARE issues, it's in our own head and/or our own fault.
It's not in your head. Trust yourself.
These are your issues, not his. He reached out to a female friend because he needed a female perspective, not to "betray" you! He didn't do anything to break your trust, you need to figure out why you feel that way because it wasn't anything he did.
My husband and I communicate very well. Still there are times when his reaction is a head scratcher. I can assure you I only turn to my male friends in those cases, a woman isn't going to be able to tell me why, they are women. A man isn't going to be able to tell your boyfriend why you are doing whatever, they don't know anymore than your boyfriend.
So you need to figure out why you leap to something untrustworthy when nothing indicates he has been anything but loyal.
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After your PS, so he was considering breaking up with you. That is his right, clearly he thought that wasn't the best course and turned to someone to ask is this the right thing. Clearly she didn't say dump the chick! So she was only advising him, thoughtfully and objectively. Just as you are here asking us.
I understand. He didn't come to you with his concerns, he went to someone else. Question. Would you be OK if he had emailed a guy friend? If so, then you need to think of this as such. A girl-guy who he wanted to bounce something off.
You need to fully understand why you are having trust issues moving forward and be honest with him about it. Even if you know, think, believe it is irrational, but that you can't get over it. If he knows you are being forthright and honest with him, maybe he will feel more comfortable doing the same with you.
My husband and i went to a marriage retreat with our church. one of the 10 commandments of marriage was not to talk to others outside of your marriage about your marriage. (Woah! Was I ever guilty of that!) The only person who can "fix" what is going on is the other person in the relationship. So just know it is great to get advice on things, but for a relationship a marriage counselor or your SO is the one you need to talk to AND that is why I am recommending you speak to him about this issue:)
I'm with Molly R.
We all go to other people for advice about relationship issues. Look where you are. Is your posting a question about your relationship to strangers on the internet that different from his emailing a friend?
He may have needed to talk to an "objective" person and it's great to have friends for that. You have reached out to Mamapedia for the same reason.
I guess I would say that "best friends" don't hide things from each other. There's a reason he didn't tell you about emailing his old friend, and why he didn't give you his password.
It's very very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone you don't see on a daily basis, and I'm guessing that you are a bit suspicious of him since you don't see him and since he had communication with someone you don't know. He told her things he hasn't told you (e.g. thinking of breaking up). But it's not clear to me why you thought he was thinking of breaking up and he says he wasn't.
The only proof of trust is TIME. You need to have proof from him by his actions (not his words) that he is committed to you, and you need to find some way to deal with your feelings of jealousy. Unfounded suspicions can break up a relationship and drive a partner away, but real signs of betrayal needs to be eliminated. You should give each other full access to your email accounts, and you should meet with a counselor (jointly or just for you) even if just for a few sessions. It's probably covered by your health insurance, so take advantage of it.
Let me figure this out -
You snooped his emails
Now you are crazy, jealous
He spends all his free time with you
And you wonder why the poor guy was emailing someone for advice.
Geesh, he did what we all do - talk to friends about our relationships.
I don't get what you are jealous of? That it was a girl he was talking to? Would it have been okay if he had the same conversation with a guy?
Do you talk to your girlfriends about your boyfriend and your relationship? Does your boyfriend still trust you?
Had you not snooped you would never have read those emails. You would not know what he was saying or thinking. You would not be crazy jealous and insecure right now.
If you think you cannot get over it then you need to move out and let the relationship go until you are ready to have one wherein you don't snoop.
oboiusly the trust was always an issue if you read his emails in the first place??
i agree him saying he way thinking of breaking up is getting perspective, nothing to do with her.
side questions:
does he work?
does he contribute to the house?
if those answers are no my answer may be diferent
I personally believe he crossed a line. If you are in a committed relationship then you don't go talk to some other women....It was none of her business.. Frankly living together is the worst thing. If your relationship is having issues then as mature adults you discuss it and work it out or get some counseling if you've reached an impass but are deeply committed in wanting to resolve differences etc. It's one thing for him to discuss issues with his guy friends to get advice it's another to discuss with another woman.
Agree with Shane B., below me. I have lots of guy friends. I am not a home-wrecker or anything, nor do I sleep with them, even when they are single, I just get along well with guys and not so much with women, I'm a tomboy and hang with the boys all the time. I am not a girly-girl and don't like talking about shopping or other shallow nonsense nor do I like wearing dresses and I like "guy" things, what can I say. My guy friends talk to me about everything, including work, philosophy, politics music, their parents, their moods, their relationships and I give them my opinion and advice, even if they don't always take it.
I don't see what the problem is with him having a female friend he asks for advice, unless she's interested in him, or he's interested in her. Have you ever met her? Has he spoken to you about her, or is this the first time you hear of her because he got caught? I think if he has nothing to hide, he should introduce you, or at least, have you KNOW about her existence. My friends tell their girlfriends about me and their girlfriends are okay with us just talking, obviously, if we were going on dates one on one things would be different, or if we were sexting, but a simple "hey, how was dinner with Jane?" or "have you seen the new batman movie?" is not a big deal. I have even met some of their more serious girlfriends, and gone to dinner together, all 3 of us! They see me as a sister or a fellow guy who happens to have an understanding of the female sex as I am a female, and nothing else. By the way, I text with the girlfriend of one of my guy friends to make dinner plans with them or see how she's doing with college, so as you can see, no one feels threatened.
Look at it this way: he's coming home to YOU, he's having sex with YOU, spending the night with YOU, the weekends...so what is there to be suspicious about? If his schedule had changed, he wasn't coming home, was suddenly constantly working late or not answering his phone, and not wanting to be with you on the weekends, it would be one thing, but the fact that he's spending his free time with you and having you meet his extended family tells me he's into you, and that this friend is just that...a friend. Unless you have proof something sinister is taking place (sexting, raunchy emails or pictures), don't accuse him of something that may not exist. There wasn't even a history between him and this girl, so what are you worried about?
People consider breaking up over stupid arguments and can say something like that to a friend or relative ("I am so tired of his angry outbursts when I ask him to mow the lawn, maybe I should dump his lazy butt"), but does that mean they really want to break up? No, not always, he may have needed to cool down after an argument or needed a girl's opinion on whatever may have made him feel like breaking up at the moment and that is it. Assess the situation, take a step back, and take a breather. Maybe you should take a few days of vacation (by yourself), and give each other some space... let him realize how much he misses you, absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say...
I haven't read any of the other responses.
I just want to say that my friends' husbands confide in me all the time.
Why? Because I'm safe.
Let's face it.....men don't always understand women. We can be very complex creatures. Even one of my bosses confided in me that his wife was upset because he didn't get her anything HUGE for her birthday. She specifically told him, or it's what he heard her to say, that she didn't want that. He literally said, "I've been married to her for 32 years and I still can't figure her out".
Was he "betraying" her by telling me that? No. And I certainly didn't run to his wife or start any drama.
Sometimes men need a female perspective from someone other than their girlfriends or wives. If a man is being an insensitive jerk, I'll come right out and say so. There are also times when a woman isn't exactly being fair and sometimes a good man needs to know that every single thing he's doing isn't wrong.
My situation might be a little different because I have close relationships with the women involved and I don't want anyone to get hurt. When I love two people as a couple, I don't want to lose either one of them.
I don't think you should freak out if your man wants another perspective from time to time. I've been divorced for many years and frankly, I've learned a lot about men through my friendships with them. Am I interested in them romantically? Absolutely not. But, they are human beings, with feelings, and if I am a sounding board when they feel fed up or confused, so be it.
I had one friend who cried to me about his relationships with women. Literally cried. When things were tough, he leaned on me. When he had a girlfriend, he acted like he never even knew me. I babysat his kid, I took her everywhere with my kids. But, it's like there was a no contact order in effect when he was in a relationship. When they broke up....he called me crying.
I'm not going to lie....I got a little tired of that. There was nothing romantic between us, but he brought more drama into my life than women I know. I didn't need it.
My point is.....I don't think that your man talking to another woman is necessarily a deal breaker. It appears he has little opportunity to cheat and it doesn't appear that he wants to.
Which one of us hasn't said, "I swear....if he doesn't remember to take out the garbage, I'll take HIM to the curb!" (?)
Does that mean a break up or divorce?
If you said it to one of his male friends would it make a difference?
I find that the happiest relationships don't feel threatened by communication with the opposite sex because they don't feel threatened in the first place.
Jealousy equals insecurity. If my friends freaked out because their men confided in me, which they are well aware of, it would be like dominos tumbling down for no reason.
It's not even that they trust me, they trust their man or they don't.
If they don't trust him, it has nothing to do with me.
Talking to someone of the opposite sex is not betrayal, in my opinion. If this person is a good woman and friend, she could actually be an ally as opposed to being a foe.
You need to center yourself because it seems that you could feel threatened about almost anything.
Please remember that strength and confidence are absolutely the most attractive things about a woman.
Best wishes.
