59 answers

Opinions on Having "Guy Friends"

All through school I always had more guy friends than girl friends. Since my little one has been in schoool, there are some dads from the school that I talk to. My husband is not to thrilled of the idea of me talking to other guys. He doesn't even want me talking to my sister-in-laws brother because he says he flirts with me. But he's like that way with everyone. I just need some feedback on what other people think about married people having friends of the opposite sex. Is it okay to have them as friends and talk to them, whether it be in person, on the phone, thru text, etc. I always do what my husband wants and requests of me whether it's what I want or not. And frankly, I'm tired of not doing things I want to do & talking to people I want to talk to just because that's what he wants. I guess that it's my fault for always doing as I'm told regardless of my feelings. Thank you for listening and for any opinions on this subject.

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Featured Answers

It may not be a big deal to you to talk to guys, but he is right to be upset he knows guys think different. My brothers have mentioned how its a matter of time before a guy can "only" just be a friend to a woman. EVENTUALLY they would not see you in their mind just as friends.

Hi T.,
I'm the same way in that I have always had guy friends. My hubby hated it at first,but I did tell him they were just friends. I never kept anything from him or tried to hide it from him. Once he saw that I was just friends w/guys and not seaking around he calmed down a little (he's still not thrilled). I think its the male testostarone thing.

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T.,
Having guy friends is definitely ok. I had many in school like you,..I found it easier to relate to guys than girls. So when i met my husband, I didn't think it would be a problem. My husband is not the type to tell me who my friends can/can't be, but cautions me.
I learned the hardway what it means to have guy friends. (I never did anything REALLY bad) There are alot of guys out there perfectly willing to be your friend and JUST your friend. However, there ARE guys' out there that CAN and WILL take advantage of a situation that was meant purely as an "I need someone to talk to". They'll take your problem, ie. My husband tells me who I can/can't talk to, and they'll start dropping little hints like "If he loved you, he wouldn't do this"....and little by little you'll start believing them. This is what your husband worries about...
All I'm saying is be very careful about sharing certain troubles in your marriage with other men, if you do that, because before you know it, you're caught in their web. I'm positive guys' are giving this manual of "How to get the girl, no matter the obstacles"

2 moms found this helpful

I was drawn to your story since we are the same age and I have heard this same thing from so many of my friends. The first thing you said was "all through school...." which is where I am going to start. You are not in high school anymore and the types of relationships that you have now are aduld. It was more acceptable to have unisex relationships before sex was part of the equation but just put yourself in your husband's shoes with him having all kinds of female friends and you having to just accept it. Your husband is suppose to be your best friend of the opposite sex because, realistically there really isn't such a thing as no attraction among adults of the opposite sex. (Even if you don't feel it just know that they probably do.)
The second point to look at is that you obviously do not think of your husband as an intellegent, rational and equal partner because if you did you wouldn't think so little of his feelings and opinions. Maybe the problems that you two are having don't just have to do with your need for male attention. Counseling is always a good start so that you both can benefit from an outside view of your problems. I am very much for friends and am very much a feminist, but this isn't just about your husband saying who you can talk to, this is about respecting the feelings of your partner and trying to find a solution that makes you both feel important, respected and loved. Wishing you both the best.
C.

1 mom found this helpful

No matter how innocent your intentions, you're just asking for trouble. I was always a tomboy as a kid, and had lots of guy friends. I always worked with men, and found them to be more interesting than the women. Men are men, though, and even if THEY have good intentions, too, you both start talking about your situations and begin to think you've found someone who really listens to you. That's really what women want - someone to listen. Somewhere along the way, those guys who were my friends started thinking I wanted more. I make it a rule now to NEVER be alone with a man who's not my husband. It's just not safe for a variety of reasons.

1 mom found this helpful

It's a very DANGEROUS situation to have any guy friend other than your husband...who, in my opinion should be your best friend. It's hard to always "obey" your husband, but it's the right thing to do. They aren't always right in the things they ask of us, but they are ultimatly there to PROTECT us. You should honor him on this issue if in nothing else. Guy friends has a huge potential of turning to somthing "more"!

1 mom found this helpful

"because he says he flirts with me. But he's like that way with everyone."

Dear T.:
I can see where your husband is coming from. Imagine it was "because he says he wants to sleep with me. But he's like that way with everyone." See my point?

I'd say if you are truly friends with guys or deal with other dads in school over kid issues, it is not a problem. But ask yourself why a man wants to be friends with a woman. Ask yourself who you would run to, if you had a problem with your marriage - probably a good friend. Do you agree that a male friend could have some incentive to comfort you that a female friend would not have? I guess you can compare a male friend to a lesbian friend - there is a potential you get hit on, and a guy is less 'safe' than a lesbian, if you are straight.

Why do you insist on making male friends then? It always starts out harmlessly, and nothing HAS to come out of it. But everything that happens has a beginning somewhere. Would you approve of your husband having female friends to hang out with in person, on the phone and using text messaging?

On a related note, it strikes me as odd that many women think having (live) male friends is OK, but a husband looking at naked pictures on the internet is akin to cheating. You can hear about plenty affairs with best friends, but few people have ever dated a pornstar they initially saw on some internet site.

Well, it's your call, and your husband may be a bit overprotective. Perhaps some bad experience in his past. If you choose to play with fire, you may be posting a different kind of request for advice here down the road...

Regards,
W.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm not married but I think if men can have female friends in their marriage then women should be able to have guy friends.It should be a 50/50 thing cause alot of married men that I know have female friends no matter what the wife says.I'm only telling you this cause I had a couple of boyfriends like that,and I thought it was wrong for them to feel like they can do what they want and not us.Some men treat the women how they let them treat them.If your husband has female friends then you should have guy friends too.Long as you are friends with the guy and nothing else is going on with ya'll.

1 mom found this helpful

I know I will be somewhat of the odd duck here, but here goes; First off, marriage should not be 50/50 imho it should be 100/100, both partners need to do everything within their power to meet the needs of their spouse (assuming they are not beating you, asking for perversion, swinging etc..) along with taking care of their duties within the relationship and home. My faith teaches me that my husband is to cherish me and consider my highest good, and I am to respect and honor my husband, and yes submit to his decisions.

Submission, does not mean subservance, it means I understand that families, businesses, etc, can't operate with more than one ultimate head, I can submit because I know he loves...he considers me in all things.
You do yourself and your marriage no favors when you think with the "I have rights" mentality.

If your husband tells you he prefers you not engage in lots of chatting with these other guys,...and it strengthens your marriage because you aid in his security and trust of you, then not doing it would be foolish.

When you marry it is supposed to be 2 as 1 that means both parties are looking to whats best for the 1, not their own individual "rights".

We have "rights" to do all manner of things, but are they wise? are they profitable to that which we claim to honor and respect? Do they paint the best picture for those who watch? (our children, family, others)

Ask your self if it strengthens the bond between you and your spouse, if it doesn't, then let your heart give it up as a matter of deference for what you want your marriage to be. Not grudgingly, but with love.

There is no greater love than laying down your life..which is what you do when you do as your husband asks and you don't see it to be a problem, but you comply.

Your husband will see your love and that is worth so much more in my book.

1 mom found this helpful

You don't need guy friends. You don't need to be texting, calling, having lunch or anything with any guy. It's just not appropriate. If there is a reason for a call then call, like calling the coach for something related to an activity, but calling just to say hi or to share gossip is a no no. Don't consider it as obeying your husband, it's just what is the appropriate thing to do.

1 mom found this helpful

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