59 answers

Opinions on Having "Guy Friends"

All through school I always had more guy friends than girl friends. Since my little one has been in schoool, there are some dads from the school that I talk to. My husband is not to thrilled of the idea of me talking to other guys. He doesn't even want me talking to my sister-in-laws brother because he says he flirts with me. But he's like that way with everyone. I just need some feedback on what other people think about married people having friends of the opposite sex. Is it okay to have them as friends and talk to them, whether it be in person, on the phone, thru text, etc. I always do what my husband wants and requests of me whether it's what I want or not. And frankly, I'm tired of not doing things I want to do & talking to people I want to talk to just because that's what he wants. I guess that it's my fault for always doing as I'm told regardless of my feelings. Thank you for listening and for any opinions on this subject.

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Featured Answers

It may not be a big deal to you to talk to guys, but he is right to be upset he knows guys think different. My brothers have mentioned how its a matter of time before a guy can "only" just be a friend to a woman. EVENTUALLY they would not see you in their mind just as friends.

Hi T.,
I'm the same way in that I have always had guy friends. My hubby hated it at first,but I did tell him they were just friends. I never kept anything from him or tried to hide it from him. Once he saw that I was just friends w/guys and not seaking around he calmed down a little (he's still not thrilled). I think its the male testostarone thing.

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T.,
Having guy friends is definitely ok. I had many in school like you,..I found it easier to relate to guys than girls. So when i met my husband, I didn't think it would be a problem. My husband is not the type to tell me who my friends can/can't be, but cautions me.
I learned the hardway what it means to have guy friends. (I never did anything REALLY bad) There are alot of guys out there perfectly willing to be your friend and JUST your friend. However, there ARE guys' out there that CAN and WILL take advantage of a situation that was meant purely as an "I need someone to talk to". They'll take your problem, ie. My husband tells me who I can/can't talk to, and they'll start dropping little hints like "If he loved you, he wouldn't do this"....and little by little you'll start believing them. This is what your husband worries about...
All I'm saying is be very careful about sharing certain troubles in your marriage with other men, if you do that, because before you know it, you're caught in their web. I'm positive guys' are giving this manual of "How to get the girl, no matter the obstacles"

2 moms found this helpful

I was drawn to your story since we are the same age and I have heard this same thing from so many of my friends. The first thing you said was "all through school...." which is where I am going to start. You are not in high school anymore and the types of relationships that you have now are aduld. It was more acceptable to have unisex relationships before sex was part of the equation but just put yourself in your husband's shoes with him having all kinds of female friends and you having to just accept it. Your husband is suppose to be your best friend of the opposite sex because, realistically there really isn't such a thing as no attraction among adults of the opposite sex. (Even if you don't feel it just know that they probably do.)
The second point to look at is that you obviously do not think of your husband as an intellegent, rational and equal partner because if you did you wouldn't think so little of his feelings and opinions. Maybe the problems that you two are having don't just have to do with your need for male attention. Counseling is always a good start so that you both can benefit from an outside view of your problems. I am very much for friends and am very much a feminist, but this isn't just about your husband saying who you can talk to, this is about respecting the feelings of your partner and trying to find a solution that makes you both feel important, respected and loved. Wishing you both the best.
C.

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No matter how innocent your intentions, you're just asking for trouble. I was always a tomboy as a kid, and had lots of guy friends. I always worked with men, and found them to be more interesting than the women. Men are men, though, and even if THEY have good intentions, too, you both start talking about your situations and begin to think you've found someone who really listens to you. That's really what women want - someone to listen. Somewhere along the way, those guys who were my friends started thinking I wanted more. I make it a rule now to NEVER be alone with a man who's not my husband. It's just not safe for a variety of reasons.

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It's a very DANGEROUS situation to have any guy friend other than your husband...who, in my opinion should be your best friend. It's hard to always "obey" your husband, but it's the right thing to do. They aren't always right in the things they ask of us, but they are ultimatly there to PROTECT us. You should honor him on this issue if in nothing else. Guy friends has a huge potential of turning to somthing "more"!

1 mom found this helpful

"because he says he flirts with me. But he's like that way with everyone."

Dear T.:
I can see where your husband is coming from. Imagine it was "because he says he wants to sleep with me. But he's like that way with everyone." See my point?

I'd say if you are truly friends with guys or deal with other dads in school over kid issues, it is not a problem. But ask yourself why a man wants to be friends with a woman. Ask yourself who you would run to, if you had a problem with your marriage - probably a good friend. Do you agree that a male friend could have some incentive to comfort you that a female friend would not have? I guess you can compare a male friend to a lesbian friend - there is a potential you get hit on, and a guy is less 'safe' than a lesbian, if you are straight.

Why do you insist on making male friends then? It always starts out harmlessly, and nothing HAS to come out of it. But everything that happens has a beginning somewhere. Would you approve of your husband having female friends to hang out with in person, on the phone and using text messaging?

On a related note, it strikes me as odd that many women think having (live) male friends is OK, but a husband looking at naked pictures on the internet is akin to cheating. You can hear about plenty affairs with best friends, but few people have ever dated a pornstar they initially saw on some internet site.

Well, it's your call, and your husband may be a bit overprotective. Perhaps some bad experience in his past. If you choose to play with fire, you may be posting a different kind of request for advice here down the road...

Regards,
W.

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I'm not married but I think if men can have female friends in their marriage then women should be able to have guy friends.It should be a 50/50 thing cause alot of married men that I know have female friends no matter what the wife says.I'm only telling you this cause I had a couple of boyfriends like that,and I thought it was wrong for them to feel like they can do what they want and not us.Some men treat the women how they let them treat them.If your husband has female friends then you should have guy friends too.Long as you are friends with the guy and nothing else is going on with ya'll.

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I know I will be somewhat of the odd duck here, but here goes; First off, marriage should not be 50/50 imho it should be 100/100, both partners need to do everything within their power to meet the needs of their spouse (assuming they are not beating you, asking for perversion, swinging etc..) along with taking care of their duties within the relationship and home. My faith teaches me that my husband is to cherish me and consider my highest good, and I am to respect and honor my husband, and yes submit to his decisions.

Submission, does not mean subservance, it means I understand that families, businesses, etc, can't operate with more than one ultimate head, I can submit because I know he loves...he considers me in all things.
You do yourself and your marriage no favors when you think with the "I have rights" mentality.

If your husband tells you he prefers you not engage in lots of chatting with these other guys,...and it strengthens your marriage because you aid in his security and trust of you, then not doing it would be foolish.

When you marry it is supposed to be 2 as 1 that means both parties are looking to whats best for the 1, not their own individual "rights".

We have "rights" to do all manner of things, but are they wise? are they profitable to that which we claim to honor and respect? Do they paint the best picture for those who watch? (our children, family, others)

Ask your self if it strengthens the bond between you and your spouse, if it doesn't, then let your heart give it up as a matter of deference for what you want your marriage to be. Not grudgingly, but with love.

There is no greater love than laying down your life..which is what you do when you do as your husband asks and you don't see it to be a problem, but you comply.

Your husband will see your love and that is worth so much more in my book.

1 mom found this helpful

You don't need guy friends. You don't need to be texting, calling, having lunch or anything with any guy. It's just not appropriate. If there is a reason for a call then call, like calling the coach for something related to an activity, but calling just to say hi or to share gossip is a no no. Don't consider it as obeying your husband, it's just what is the appropriate thing to do.

1 mom found this helpful

This is sooo dangerous! Honor your husband by NOT putting yourself into any position that could be mistaken for something fishy! He should be who you are talking to.

Honor your husband with a happy heart - he has the best for your family at heart (especially in this situation).

Having guy friends opens up a whole can of worms and drama that can be avoided!

Hi T.,

I, like you, have always had a lot of guy friends. Also, I'm in an industry that's made up of men. I know it sounds extreme, but I do not text, email or speak to them outside of the work environment. I would encourage you to not build relationships at any level with the men at your child's school. If you must communicate with them, I'd advise emailing with a "CC" to your husband. I know it's all innocent and you mean no harm, but any relationship that is established with another man that is not your husband could either lead where you don't intend it to or detract from your relationship with your husband. Try to guard your, and your child's, reputation. People talk. And most of the time it's not in a good way!

About me: I'm a 42 year old PT Working/PT SAHM with a 2 year old boy and a 5 month old girl.

It's not appropriate...don't fool youtself. Anytime I hear a girl say," I have always been better friends with guys than girls", that is a flag to me. A flag usually saying that they are very insecure and searching for attention.

T.,

I have the same problem. And I see you have received much advice on this subject ranging from supportive to appalled. I will say this, every marriage is different and every friendship is different, and you have to balance everything in your life keeping mindful of your priorities.

On more than one occasion I have had to reassure my husband that despite my friendships with other males, he is the one who I married and he is the one who I share my life with, and there is no one that I would have rather been through the things we have survived in our time together than him. He is my rock and my soul and no one can take that place.

But regardless of that fact, I prefer socializing with men. I have a few females that I am close with, and a few gay men that I am also close with. He naturally sees neither of these groups as threatening to our relationship. But my friendships with straight men seem to elude him. He has difficulty understanding why I would want another male perspective when he's sitting right there. But that's not how I see my friends. My friends are people.

Each friendship has it's own individuality. And yes, I have been in a friendship before that did threaten to damage my marriage, and regardless if that person was male or female, that is not a right they have, and that friendship was ended. I will not tolerate anyone saying anything negative about my husband without reasonable provocation.

I try my best to create at least an amicable relationship between all my friends and my husband. I believe that if your marriage is the most important relationship that you have in your life, then it is essential that all other relationships exist in harmony with it.

The best advice I can give you is that you talk to your husband. Marriage is a compromise in many ways. You are a team. Work together until you are both happy with the solution. If you feel like you never go anywhere, then maybe you can find activities that you both can share so he doesn't feel so left out of your social life.

That was a large part of my husband's issue with some of my friendships. He simply didn't understand why I had friends who didn't want to talk to him or see him, and that really wasn't the case. Like I said, the one friend that I did have who refused to accept him to the point of damaging my marriage was dropped like a bad habit.

My husband also has female friends. I like most of them. ;) Most of them are old friends from high school or college, and he goes out with them and spends time with them and their husbands, sometimes without me. I am secure enough in his commitment to me that I am completely comfortable with this.

You have to have a solid foundation to build upon or the whole house will fall.

Keep in mind that most superficial issues in a marriage are simply the embodiment of much deeper concerns. Perhaps when you have many long talks with him you will find the source of his "unreasonable" disapproval.

A little more advice before I wrap this up. Don't talk to him when he's hungry, tired, angry or watching his favorite show. :)

Don't beat yourself up and don't give up on his ability to be accepting and understanding. Adversity in relationships and our ability to overcome them together is what strengthens our bond.

C.

I agree with Reyna. Marrige is a 50/50 thing. Plus if he knew you had more guy friends and seemed to get along better with men than women before you were married then it's his issue not yours. On the other hand I don't know what kind of person your husband is and if he is stuck on this issue then maybe you shouldn't do it. It's your marrige NOBODY elses. You are your own person.

Hi T.,
I dont see the problem of you having friends of the opposite sex. See I too at first had a problem with my husband having friends of the other sex but that was only because they only seen that as " GREAT HE'S MARRIED, LET'S SEE IF I CAN MAKE A PASS AT HIM AND HE FALL FOR IT". He almost did and Im not going to lie, I flipped. I laid out the rules and they were pretty simple. We both have friends of the opposite sex and we introduce them to eachother and let it be known that we are off limits to everyone, lol. Ive always made it a habit to introduce my hubby to all of my friends so that way he'll know that I have nothing to hide and I always wanted him to fell comfortable with everyone. And oddly enough, he has become friends w/ all of my guy friends. He's also made it a point to introduce me to all of his female friends and I am friends w/ them as well. Its just a matter of trust and communication. Your hubby might feel a bit insecure. So just introduce him to your friends and let him see for himself that having all type of different friends is ok as long as there is trust and no disrespecting you on their end.
I hope this helped.
Yari

I personally think that there can never be "just friends" between men and women. There will always be that thing there in the middle and a chance of it going somewhere you may not want it to. I say no to male friends and your hubby is right.

I have been married for 55 years this year andd by golly my hubby feels the same way -you know after that length of time you would think that they would feel secure. I see no reason to give up friends of either sex because they (hubby) disagrees with the friend. We got into a discussion about this about 2 or 3 years ago and I guess if I would discuss the subject each time it is brought up the discussion would go the same way. Sorry but many men like to dominate and tell us what to do. I have a lady friend of about 15 years who was married to a man ( he has since died) for 25+ years and when he died she did not know how to keep a check book, balance it, drive a car, budget her money and she still doesn't - he has been gone about 5 years. We somehow have to learn how to stand on our own 2 feet so that if anything happens to the men in our lives we are not a bunch of dummies. Think about it.
C.

This may not be popular with a lot of the other readers, but it works for us.

First of all, How long have you been married? Is this a new relationship? When you say always, how long have you been a couple? These are answers for you to ask yourself, you don't have to answer to us. I am 37 and have been married since 19. This may or may not be your case. Whether you were married or not and how old you were when you had your oldest son is not the issue here. Well, whether or not you were married to THIS man for the whole time could play a part.

Questions to ask yourself:
Is this a second marriage/relationship? If so, did you meet him while in a previous relationship? Was he in a relationship when you met him? If either of you were in a relationship when you met, he could worry about you meeting someone new again.

Has he cheated on you or anyone in the past? People who cheat on a regular basis do not trust other people and will often accuse their partner of cheating or their friends of hitting on the partner. The cheater cannot trust because the cheater cannot trust him/herself.

Does he have female friends? Does he tell you to mind your own business when you ask who he had lunch with or why he's working late? If he is cheating or planning to cheat he won't want you to know who he knows.

Now why I have my opinions. My husband and I have been together for 18 years. I have met almost all of his friends and am acquainted with most of the people he comes into contact with on a regular basis even if I haven't actually met them. I even have met some of his ild girlfriends (he's 9 years older than I am) and he has met one of my 3 high school boyfriends. Everyone we know has no confusion about our relationship. We are completely dedicated to each other. If he has lunch outside of the office with a female friend, whether it is a woman he has worked with for nearly 26 years or his supervisor, he tells me where they went so that no one can hurt him with "hey, I saw him at such-and-such with so-and-so". I do the same in return. We don't come home at the end of the day and say: I spoke to so-and-so from 8:13 to 8:24 and then to so-and-so from 8:25 - 8:30 and was in a meeting from 8:30 - 10:00. More like: "I had a meeting this morning, you should have seen so-and-so open the soda someone had dropped and didn't put a note on - it went all over ME! Oh btw, a friend from the church we attend years back was at the same restaurant so we ate together. Just wanted to tell you cause no one at work knows him/her." I volunteer at our kids' school, so I do come into contact with dad's who go on field trips and such. It's no big deal - we only have contact when we are at functions with our kids. We're not there to make outside-of-school friends. Now my husband's co-workers are OUR friends because I've also known them for 18 years (he's been in the same office for 26 years), so yes we do hang out and I can go to group parties without my husband (he works shift work and cannot make it to all get-togethers) and he knows I'm not going to leave with anyone else or some such nonsense and I can trust him the same way. If I go somewhere and see one of the guys from his work it's not a problem if I sit down and have lunch with him. We both like to flirt, but we know who we can flirt with that won't take it seriously. We find out who has jealous spouses and we do NOT flirt with them AT ALL. We don't flirt with people the other doesn't one and who hasn't met both of us AND some of our friends. It's safer that way. We don't have jealousy issues because we know the other one isn't going anywhere. We are together about 80% of the time so we talk about everything and everyone we spend time with. Now keep in mind, we don't intentionally go out with friends of the opposite sex on a one-on-one basis if the other can't go. Only if it is a mixed-group setting. We don't go out if it might be seen as a "date". We can dance with others at parties. If I go out with the girls or if he goes out with the guys for drinks, then we can dance with people. We're not going home with them, it's just a dance.

So yes, you can have male friends so long as you let the guy know that you are totally committed to your husband and your husband gets to meet him. However, your husband needs to be willing to do the same with women he talks to on a regular basis. If not, there is an underlying problem, even if it's just the way he was raised. A lot of times that is the main problem: Mom stayed home and obeyed Dad, or Mom walked all over Dad and now Son swears not to be ordered around by any woman.

Talk to your husband. If you've been giving in to his unhealthy demands in addition to the healthy ones, he may not realize that he is hurting you. My husband and I still have talks about things every now and again about things the other doesn't realize we're doing.

If his intent IS to control your every move, then the two of you need counselling or YOU need to get help out of a bad situation.

Hope this helps,
Donna

It sounds like your husband has some insecurity/control issues. Forgive me for saying so, I know it's judgmental and I don't even know your husband. But I've known men like that, I've been with men like that. I can completely understand that having friends of the opposite sex can be somewhat of a gray area. It's easy for people who spend a lot of time around each other to begin developing feelings, especially if one of them feels unhappy in any way with their current relationship. Maybe that's what he's really afraid of, that you'll realize there are less controlling and insecure guys out there. But if your husband is mature and thoughtful, you should be able to talk to him about the fact that for one thing, it's the 21st century and women are allowed to talk to whoever they want, two you're not out to make him uncomfortable and jealous and you'll do your best to respect his feelings and boundaries, three you have no intention of getting "romantic" with any of these guys and that it's just nice to talk to other parents. Try to start being assertive and speaking your mind. Keep this in mind: the second you start doing/saying anything that you wouldn't want your husband to know about is when you're starting to get yourself into trouble. But there's nothing wrong with married people having friends of the opposite sex.

I have guy friends from long before I got married. MY husband is insecure also. When I later spoke with his mom, I found she made him paranoid of people because she was jilted in her younger days and passed on to her kids that friends can never be trusted. Now my hubby is 43 and had to promise an enployee of his a weekend off to be a groomsman in our wedding. He and his sisters are overly religous and completed codependent on their mates for all sources of friendship, companionship and happiness. Totally opposite from the way I was raised. It has caused friction in our marriage. Anyway, I say that to say, I kept my male friends and girlfriends and I keep them totally seperate from him. I think it is healthy. I think when a person tries to isolate you from all your sources of support and friends, that can only be sinister. Almost every woman tha has been abused or killed had a controlling husband who was jealous and tried to come in between her and others close to her. I keep in touch with college buddies. I am not having an affair and see no harm in it. I say go for it. It is obvious you want or need someone to share with or talk to. Keep it from him and endulge. It will allow you to vent, exchange ideas and opinions and stay in touch with the real world. Good luck. Also, you can write me anytime.

I guess the burning question is: How would you feel if your husband went out with other women? Maybe you should explore why you seek out male attention so much.
Also, I would point out that judging from your children's ages, your "seeking out" of male attention got you into the parenting game fairly young!
Good luck, seems like you should look into a therapist.

I hear ya girl I get along better with guys also. I hate gossip and drama and thats what women tend to do. Maybe if you explain this to your husband he might understand a little better, just tell him that you dont like talking behind peoples back and men dont talk like that and they dont judge. He should be proud that your that way and yes its time you do things for yourself so that you can be happy.

My husband is the same way. Try both of yopu going out with your friend and his girlfriend or wife. your husband does not want to stay at home and he will think if he cant go there is something going on.

You have to ask yourself... "what's best for the marriage?" your husband is your life long partner! these male friends (no matter what they say would love to have sex with you). Also what really is your motive? are you craving the attention of these other males, who I am sure flatter you from time to time! Is it ok with you for your hubby to hang out with beautiful women when you are not around? If it is then I would suggest you examine your feelings for your husband! All my male friends are the husbands of my female friends! we all hang out together, but I don't go to lunch just me and one of these husbands! nor would I want my husband out with one of my girlfriends! Now if a girlfriend needed my husbands help (like if she was broke down on the side of the road and her man couldn't help her) I would be happy for him to come to her aide, but how often do you think a situation like that might come up? I always use this helpful rule "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"!!! this rule saves a lot of hard feelings!

Sounds like your husband may be a slight bit controlling - or perhaps insecure. If you have a solid relationship, and trust each other, and these other people are truly just friends, then there shouldn't be a problem with you talking to them. You have a mind of your own; if you know you're not doing anything 'wrong' - then use your mind to make your decisions - not your husbands.

I am unsure if he is controlling you. I mean if my husband ever told me to not even speak to another male, I would have a problem with that. Sounds like your husband has some insecurites to deal with. Jealousy, control, and it sounds like he has trust issues as well.

I don't know any history. He may have a very good reason for not wanting you to talk to another male, even your brother in law.

You are not going to believe this, but my friend and I just talked about this last night. The only thing is that her husband is the one with female friends that she isn't comfortable with. I think that if you knew how bad it made your husband feel then you wouldn't want to have these male friends. I too had way more male friends prior to getting married, but that changed. I found that I had more in common with the woman in other marrages. If you still feel that this isn't fare then think of this. You could either introduce the guy friends to you husband and hang out together, and if you don't think that is comfortable for you all then maybe you should ask youself if the guy friends are innocent in there thoughts about what you are doing. I believe that men and women can be friends, but I also think that if guys are then only friends you are hanging out with then maybe you are just looking for attention you aren't getting at home.

The question is - do you love your husband enough to be his slave - because that is what he is expecting of you. As a liberated female - I hope the answer is no - then the answer to your question is - have whatever friends you what and let him deal with his own issues (as long as his ridiculous attitude doesn't become violent). If the answer is yes, then get the head scarf and start taking notes as to what you can and can't do.

First of all, sounds like your husband has some insecurity whether it's with you or himself. I don't see the harm in having friends of the opposite sex when you are married just as long as your mate knows about them. I don't think it's neccessary for them to always know when you talk to them either. As long as the conversation is not about personal things about you and your mate it shouldn't be a problem. Maybe you need to introduce your male friends to him and he will feel better on the other hand if he has insecurity within himself that is something he has to change on his own, you can't do anything to satisfy him, believe it is so important to know who you are dealing with before you deal with them.

I think the danger in having male friends is not to allow them to "replace" your dh. That can be a danger with female friends sometimes as well. In my opinion a spouse should be your best friend. The one you share your most intimate thoughts with. You should also be very careful not to talk bad about him to your friends. Especially if they don't know your dh very well.
Personally, I would honor my dh's request and not seek out close male friends. I would also explore the reason why you feel the need to have these other male friends.
I agree with some of the other posters though that couple friends are not the same and would be acceptable.

I think it is ok to talk with them in person, at a party, or your place of work. I'm pretty liberal, but I think in general, men don't want to just be friends with women. By engaging yourself in text, internet, or phone conversations with other men only puts you in a position to make it possible for an affair. Example, what if you and your husband were in a rocky spot, like we all are sometimes? One of these men who, believe me, unless they are gay, don't want to just be friends comes in and says and does all the right things, which he now knows because you chat so much. Hey, I always had more guy friends than girlfriends, too. It's just kinda a dangerous place to put yourself, and if it bothers your husband maybe you should consider not doing it, unless you want to loose your marriage, in which case you should just get out of the situation anyway.

It is funny to me, what I am about to write to you because I said the exact opposite to my husband when we got married...I told him that I was going to continue to have guy friends, that my friends were my friends and that was it whether he liked it or not. What I am about to say is IN NO WAY MEANT TO OFFEND YOU, I promise, but I later realized that if I was honest with myself, the only reason I had guy friends, is because of the attention they gave me. I was cute, and in control. If I spent time with a guy, he was bound to find me attractive eventually and I loved that feeling.

After I was married, and got a true understanding of what the committment and sanctity of marriage really means, and when I developed a true sense of love for my husband, I felt creepy even going out to lunch with my guy friends from work.

I am afraid that you are on a fairly slippery slope. People in your situation, who are headstrong and who continue to do something in spite of the feelings of their spouse, create anger in their marriages. Then, it is easy for you to turn to one of these "friends" (who have stuck around for one thing if we are being honest here) who know just what to say and do to "comfort" and "support" you which, can easily lead you into justifying an affair!

Right now, you are thinking of what you want and not of your marriage as a partnership of give and take. Would you feel the same way if it was your husband who was texting/e-mailing and calling other women? No way! You should not get bossed around by your husband and made to cut off all of your relationships in an abusive way, but it doesn't sound like from your question that is the case. My advice, for what it's worth...and I have been in your shoes, is to can the guys and join the PTA and get together with some women who you have things in common with...it isn't that tough and women our age aren't as retarded as they were in High School!

It also may be a good idea to look hard at your marriage and see what is really wrong there, that is making you search for approval/male attention from men other than your husband. There is nothing that can't be worked out when you talk honestly and BOTH WORK AT A MARRIAGE! Marriage is forever!
If you want to talk, or yell at me, feel free to send me a message!

I don't think there is anything wrong with speaking to members of the opposite sex when you run into each other. But I absolutely do not feel it is appropriate to have friends of the opposite sex. The bible says not to put yourself into the way of temptation. Even though you believe things are platonic, the other person may not feel that way and the fact that you show them attention may give them hope for more. Also husbands and wives fight, it's natural. It's not good to have a friend of the opposite sex right there at your side to take your side or be a shoulder to cry on. If you're angry at your spouse, sometimes things happen. They wouldn't if the situation wasn't there to begin with. I wouldn't want my husband hanging out with other women. I'm not jealous and I don't have a problem with him working with them or speaking to them, but definitely not hanging out with them, calling them, or emailing them. I know too many women who met men on line while they were married and then left their spouse for that person which didn't work out in the end anyway.

I have found that it is almost immpossible to have male friends. At some point in time messages will get crossed. It is one thing to get along with your husbands friends, yet entirely another to create your own not envolving the dynamic of the both of you...I have been working with a coach for over a year and mention that my husband and I were having problems at my last lesson. Sure enough, he propositioned me that same week. PIG. I know my opinion seems harsh but I speak from experience. The other thing to keep in mind is 'so does your husband." Men tend to understand motives and actions of other men.

In my opinion, it is inappropriate to have guy friends that you call, text, etc. I think it is fine to talk to other parents, men or women at school, but striking up personal friendships with other men is just not a good idea. It is not only bad for your relationship, but I'm sure the wives of these men aren't thrilled about their friendships with you, either.

We've never talked about it, but it is clear to us that you just don't do this kind of thing. I'm not jelous and if he runs into an ex (and there are many), I'm fine with it, even if they chat for a while or have lunch together. But if they are calling each other up, that's playing with fire. It arouses mistrusting feelings and is frankly hurtful and disrespectful. I am friends with two of my husband's exes, but it is understood that it is better if he doesn't hang out with them as freely as I do. He doesn't mind if I maintain sometime e-mail contact with old male friends from before my relationship with him, but I make sure to keep it very brief, impersonal and I bring up every conversation I have with them in conversation to him. I want him to feel secure and I want him to trust me above all.

If he didn't, why would he stay married to me? The same goes for him. It is just a question of respect. And I agree with Wolfgang, everything starts somewhere. Better to have female confidantes than male.

The biggest thing, though, is that he is telling you clearly that he considers this hurtful or disrespectful. If you still seek out these relationships he will see it as trying to hurt/ disrespect him. Why go there?

I DO NOT think that you have to obey your husband any more than he has to obey you but why talk about it in terms of who is in charge. I think it is a respect and love issue.

Good luck.

Some people may consider your husband's reaction as jealousy or controlling behavior. In actuallity, your husband doesn't trust the other man. Being a man himself, he knows exactly what those other men's intentions are and most men and women feel that that is very disrespectful. Would you mind if he had female friends that secretly wanted more with your husband? And it has nothing to do with them totally loving their wives. Your husband may be seeing things in your brother in law's behavior that you don't see. It is, of course possible that your husband is overreacting and is simply insecure. Put yourself in his shoes.
As far as giving you permission or controlling your activities, well, we don't know what kind of activities you are speaking of. But assuming they are harmless and innocent, then you need to take charge of your life and stop giving him permission to control you.
Are you going out with other men? Is it because he won't go with you? Then, would you be ok with it if he went out with another woman because you didn't feel like going or were too busy?
As much as people want to believe that a platonic relationship is possible between a man or a woman, it really is not. One or the other if not both will develop some kind of emotional connection on a level that they will deny if you pry.
Have you ever noticed or been aware of when a man cheats with an ugly woman rather than a beautiful one, it enrages the wife much more? Why? One, because it is insulting. And,two, because physical attraction is one thing and normal, but emotional connection the worst kind of adultery there is.
When in doubt, apply the Golden Rule:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
I hope this helps.

Hey T.,

I was the same way and I have always been. My EX husband was the same way too. He didn't like to go to family events. He accused me of flirting with his cousins, brother, nephews, even his father. I have never been one to have girlfriends. I am not the girly type. From my experience, that JEALOUSY will never go away. I am divorced if that tells you anything. I really have no advice but to tell you not to change your ways for anyone. I later found out that my husband was cheating on me and didn't want me to talk too much to them because they might have let it slip! Well I hope I at least give you something to think about and you are not alone.

T.

Trust your husband - they have the insight on guys and how they think. My husband has made it very clear to me as well that guys and girls cannot really be just friends. I have learned to respect his feelings in this area and protect myself against encounters with the opposite sex not only because it bothers him but because it could lead where I do not want it to. I am not sure this makes sense. No one who has an affair intentioned to go out and have one to hurt their family and themselves but they end up in that situation. How? By small steps. First a call here, there, a text here there, then a cup of coffee, then maybe lunch... etc. Enjoy your husban and have great girls friends. What more do you need?

T.,

Like others have said Marriage is a 50/50 thing. That includes friends, weather male or female. My husband and I have many male friends that we both talk to. We also have female friends that we both talk to. What I am trying to point out is that we really don't have his or my friends we share friends. There is not one male or female that we talk with that doesn't know both of us equally.

I could understand, if you have male friends that he does not know and you socialize with, where he is getting his feelings from.

I do go out occasionally with "our" male friends with out him (when he has to work). My husband knows who, where, and when because I let him know before he has a chance to ask. It is nice to be able to go out sometimes and know that "our" friend is there in case there might be any trouble.

So I guess if you meet a male that you wish to be friends with invite him to the house for some get together so he will become both of your friend. If the "friend" has objection to this then if wasn't friendship he was looking for, and your husband was right with his feelings.

An example would be recently a single female friend of ours called me at work because she when she arrived home her dog (basically her companion) had died while she was gone on a weekend trip. (As far as we can tell he did of a heart attack sometime that afternoon because her mother feed him that morning.) Anyway she was in tears. My husband just happened to be at my work at the time and he went directly to her house to console her. The next time I saw her she said to me " Thank You for y'all being there for me." Technically "I" wasn't there, my husband was but ALL our friends know if I am there "we" are there, if he's there "we" are there.

Again there is our friends, not his or mine. Weather the friend is single or married, male or female.

T.,
I myself have always had more guy friends than girlfriends. I have been happily married for almost 14 years and my best friend is still a guy. My husband knew when we started dating that my best friend was a guy and our relationship was special and I would allow nothing to come between it. He and my husband have a great relationship. I find comfort in knowing that I can still talk to him about ANYTHING. I think our relationship is very healthy. He helps me see things from a guys perspective when my husband and I have a difference of opinion. I see absolutely nothing wrong with having good guy friends as long as there are no secrets. I would never have a guy friend that I didn't introduce to my husband and allow him to also develop a friendship with. Sometimes husbands just need to feel included to elminate feeling threatened.

Dear T.,
You better stop this before you have a spoiled husband on your hands.
a marriage is based primarily on trust. By not allowing you to talk with people of the opposite sex your husband is showing that he does not trust you. He is also insinuating that all men even [male relatives] flirt with women. If this is how he thinks then this is how he behaves. He in turn is calling himself a flirt. This is not fair to you.
You are not a child but a grown woman with a mind of your own and the ability to think for yourself. He cannot do your thinking for you. You made a big mistake when you let him take so much control of the marriage. He does not own you. You are partners in 1 union.
In school I had more guy friends than girl friends too just like you.
My husband was not too thrilled about my talking with men either. And I have a brother in law that is a flirt but I can handle him without the help of my husband. lol The controlling,insecurity act had to stop. I was insulted.His not being too thrilled of my talking with men showed that he cast a shadow of doubt on his trust in me, our marriage and my intelligence.
It's okay to have male friends. I have a few that I am real close to. I love them like ...brothers and my husband knows it. I think that it bothers him a little bit, but then I admire and respect him all the more for understanding that they're just my friends.

You could always turn the tables on him too ya know...he cannot talk to women...lol
Good Luck<3

Well, T.. If you value your relationship with your husband, respect the fact that he knows that men do not carry on with women unless there is some expectation. Women who keep it up (admittedly or not) are just as guilty. A flirt is a flirt in any sense of the word. Casual conversations are fine. But texting and actual phone conversations IS a problem. He may not admit he sees you as looking for something that you don't have with him and doesn't understand why. Don't give him reason to no longer trust you. You don't want him holding himself away from you. Then, he'll become receptive to conversation with the opposite sex. Yes, I think its selfish to feel you're "doing what you're told." Your thought process on this subject does not allow me to see that as a personality trait. You seem to do whatever YOU feel.

sweety, i read what you wrote. believe me, i am not here to pass judgement on you at all!! but i too believe that this is way more than "friendship of the opposit sex". i am not saying that you have done anything wrong or that you are planning on being unfaithful.... but this is where it begins. it is called an affair of the heart. you owe it to your family to be honest, atleast with yourself!

Being in the business I am I have a lot of guy friends. Though most of them are married too, some are single. They all know I am happily married and would not stray from my husband. My husband knows this too. He trusts me and I trust him. You have to have trust in a relationship. I don't mind him talking with other women. We both met in a singles group at church. We both still talk to the single friends we have from church too.
It was a lot different with my ex. My ex was majorly possessive. He screwed around on his ex wife. I beleive he screwed around on me too. I've caught him on dates with other women when I was out of town working. I never screwed around on him or even dated others. He drove all my friends away, yet he wanted me to be okay with his lady friends. His idea with friends of the opposite sex were quite different from mine. He couldn't have a female friend without have intimate relations with them. I have always had guy friends whom I didn't mess with in the past and if I did we stopped talking to each other. My ex always accused me of cheating when he was the one caught. He always got busted by friends or his co-workers. I've heard some stories about him around town. He is a flirt and he has dated while I was away. I think he was insecure about me because he was screwing around.
It is a dangerous road to go down. There is appropriate and inappropriate. Jealousy can cause a rift in your relationship big time. You have to be smart when dealing with others. Because if your spouse is insecure about you even talking to others it will lead to fights. Been there done that with the ex. And your husband may be too possessive too. Like my ex was. He shouldn't push all your friends away. You should watch out for the flirts too and handle them appropriately. You both need to talk about trust in the relationship.
I now have a sweetheart of a husband. I love him so much. We all have issues we deal with and we both have issues and we both deal with them. We still love each other very much and we both trust each other.
I love to mess with him though. Couldn't do that with the ex, he would take it seriously. My husband knows I joke around. When I go the one of my pest control suppliers, there are guys there I have known for years. Before my husband and I met. I always joke when I need to go get chemical that I need to go visit my sanchos. My husband thinks its funny. If it were my ex, he wouldn't want me going over there. Some of those guys from my supplier are good friends. Some are married and some not. They know I am married. There is a line never to be crossed, they know that and so do I. My husband knows that as well, and I trust him, he trusts me. I can honestly say our relationship is solid. Big difference with the ex, and I am glad to be done with that. I tried to hold the marriage together for so long, just because we had kids. I was miserable and hardly had any friends to talk to. Now I felt like I wasted all that time. Yeah the divorce was awful for the kids. But at least they are happy now and so am I. My oldest still lives with his dad. I do worry about him and he tells me his worries with his dad and his current wife. She is a sweetheart too. My ex is screwing that up too. My ex seems to have all the damaging qualities in a relationship. She is miserable sometimes. Sometimes we talk about it. Its all been there done that. Thats why he is an ex.

T.

I grew up with a good mix of guy and girl friends too. The older I have become, I have stayed close with my guys friends and have gotten to be close to their wives as well! I can think of 2 in particular at this very moment.

I believe you have to pick your guy friends carefully. My guy friends have become my husband's friends also. Furthermore, I have become friends with their wives as well. Therefore, nothing is ackward...as it could be if we let it!

Once you are married, it does become peculiar to have friends of the opposite sex. But the way to do it is to make sure to make it mutual. Now, I can go out, hang out, or talk with any of my guy friends. I have to be willing to let mine do the same though!

I hope this helps!

I think that you should be friends with both males and females as long as the are quality people. I for one don't understand the jealousy thing. My husband has many attractive close female friends and because I trust him, I think that's great. Make sure that your husband has meet these "male" friends and when you are out together boost your hubbies ego by whispering, "I am the luckiest women in the room because I get to take you home."

It is out of the question to say that "you should not have any guy friends" to me because some of my best friends are guys. On top of that, I am married but not dead. That does not mean that I want to jump in the sack with them. People who say that you should not have guy friends are basically not strong enough to tell the difference between friends and something that may be more than a friendship. Now, I do not text and e-mail my guy friends all the time, and we may talk once or twice a month - I do, however, talk to them and never keep it from my husband. In your situation with talking to Dads at school, to me, that is common courtesy. It is crazy to think that you would not speak to someone because they are the wrong gender - that's like not speaking to them because they are the wrong color or something.....this is 2008. I have a lot of guy friends but have never thought of them in any other fashion than that - my husband even plays golf with some of them. He does not see anything wrong with it but he is secure, as am I, about our relationship. On the other hand, my husband has a lot of girl friends too but they have been the same for years - and now, they are my friends too. It is only inappropriate if you let it be...

sorry if this seems harsh...it is 6:00 am so, what can I say? Ha Ha

Hi T.,
I'm the same way in that I have always had guy friends. My hubby hated it at first,but I did tell him they were just friends. I never kept anything from him or tried to hide it from him. Once he saw that I was just friends w/guys and not seaking around he calmed down a little (he's still not thrilled). I think its the male testostarone thing.

Sure having guys as friends is great...but you can try to put yourself in his position...how would you feel if he was getting text messages from another woman...or phone calls, emails, etc. Sure, they are just friends, but there would be a little part of you that "wonders"...Not whether he is cheating on you, but wonder what about her he is attracted to in a friendship way!

It may not be a big deal to you to talk to guys, but he is right to be upset he knows guys think different. My brothers have mentioned how its a matter of time before a guy can "only" just be a friend to a woman. EVENTUALLY they would not see you in their mind just as friends.

I have a similiar problem...how has yours evolved and how is it going? I posted a similiar question a few minutes ago. Do you have some advice for me? :)

Don't be fooled, T.. I could tell you countless stories of people who have had affairs through what started out being an "innocent relationship". You might think that this would not be the case with you but they said the same thing. When you allow yourself to get that close to another man you are setting yourself up for temptation. The same would hold true if your husband was getting too friendly with another woman. It's kind of like the "frog in the water" illustration. When he is placed in cold water and the burner is turned on he slowly boils to death without even knowing it, but if he is placed in boiling water he jumps out. I'm not saying that you should never talk to another man however there is a fine line of appropriateness that you should maintain no matter what. This is not about insecurity, it is about you and your husband doing everything possible to protect your marriage. Also, make sure that you are communicating. Be thankful that your husband cares enough of about you, your marriage and your family to take these great steps to protect all of you.

i think it is normal to have friends of the opposite sex, BUT... you have to respect your husband's feelings. i think it is fine to talk with them when you are out at whatever event, but i know from the other way around that it hurts if it gets too intimate. my husband had a close female co-worker, who he worked all day with, went out to lunch with, and then talked most evenings and weekends on the phone during FAMILY TIME!!!! i am not the jealous type, but it was out of line. he said they did not have an affair, and i believe him, they just had a lot a work stuff to talk about, well i don't care what it was about it was too much. i have guy friends too, and if no one is around, sure we will have a nice long chat. but if husband is home, i limit it to ten, fifteen minutes. out of respect for our time together, which is limited, between work, kids, etc. communication is the key!

I think the major problem here is allowing your husband to control everything. You are headed down a path of unhappiness if you don't make decisions yourself. The point of a marriage is give and take and finding that harmony between your wants/needs and your husbands wants/needs. If all you do is what your husband wants you will wake up one day just wanting to walk away from it all because you are no longer living your life. Personally I think you are doing a disservice to yourself and your husband. There has to be balance and compromise and he can't expect that you are always going to agree with him. To answer the question about male friends. I think it is fine to talk to men just as long as you don't do things with them by yourself. You can't just stop interacting with other men as if they don't exist. Just make sure you don't cross any lines!

I hope this helps you. I always like to look at things from a biblical perspective.-Proverbs 6:34 34 for jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.--Proverbs 12:4 A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.--1 Corinthians 7:4
The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.--Ephesians 5:22
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.--Ephesians 5:24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.--Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, L. your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.--Titus 2:5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.--To sum it all up, there is nothing more important in the world when you are married than honoring, respecting, submitting to and being on one accord with your spouse. The two are you are one. Christ is the head of your husband and your husband is your head. You must obey him according to the word and will of God. Be righteous, holy and submissive and God will honor you. God bless you and I will say a prayer for you.

Your husband isn't being selfish on this one...just being smart. It sounds like you do have some issues though that you need to work out with your husband on other matters. And I do emphasize "with your HUSBAND". Having guys friends is just playing with fire and asking for trouble. If you need to talk to someone other than your husband, find a girl friend. Every relationship that I've witnessed end up split and divorced always started with and 'innocent' opposite relationship. The thing is all those things you think you need to be talking to other men about really should only be dealt with between you and your husband. Also, I know that it may seem innocent to you as well, but really look at what you are getting from these guy relationships. I wouldn't be surprised if you were getting some excitement from the attention of a male. That is a small spark that almost always turns very quicky into an out of control fire of a dangerous affair. You need to be seeking that excitement of attraction and attention from your husband. Again, your husband is expressing love and concern on this matter. If he didn't care about you and your relationship he would not have said anything. There is no point to prove on this issue. But again, it's very obvious that you do have some issues that your husband could be wrong on that have emotionally hurt you, and you and he really need to work those out. No other guy can fix those for him. No other guy can help your husband understand you better. Only he can do those things. And, if your guy friends truly love their wives and value their relationships with their wives they will not be offended in any way by your wise choice to keep a distant relationship. On another note, couple friends are great. You and your husband should find a couple that you can hang out with together. Also, one situation my husband (10 years now) and I went through was that he had a good girl friend from high school that he still kept in touch with after we met and got married. He still likes to keep in touch with her and that is great. We just make sure that WE talk together with her on the phone, and WE together send your emails. That is the safe way and now it's a great friendship we all share.

I think there is a very fine line here that can easily be crossed if you aren't careful. My rule of thumb is that I don't spend time with or talk extensively to other men because of the mere appearance of impropriety it could cause. The only exception to this would be someone that my husband knows well, but even then, I can't think of anyone in my life that fits that category. Talking with people of the opposite sex outside of your marriage sounds innocent enough until you start to confide things in this person that you shouldn't be or that you should be sharing with your husband instead. These relationships never start out with any bad intent, but almost always end in disaster. Spending that much time with someone else can make you start to feel like you're missing out on something or you may start comparing this person to your husband and that can only lead down the wrong road. "Emotional affairs" as they are called can be just as devastating to a marriage as physical ones, so be sure to keep that in mind. I would just respect your husband's wishes and stick to friendships that you are both involved in so that there are no misunderstandings.

Oh my goodness i could'nt even imagine. My husband and i have been together for about five years. He has his friends male and female, and so do i. It sound like there might be some trust issues in your relationship, im sorry to say. We dont tell each other how to talk to. As close as it comes is, "hows that?". And will follow with were we know them from. Yall should really sit and talk about if yall going to have a health relationship there has to be trust. And just because your having a conversation with a man oesnt mean anything. Well good luck with everything. Take care

You need to make your husband your best friend, not some other guy.

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