25 answers

Husband and Facebook

Ok Moms - help me think this one through!
I discovered my husband connected with an old GF on Facebook. He initiated the contact with her. The communication has been totally innocent. I've also seen that he has searched for other exes as well. I know it is likely just natural curiosity, but it bothers me because if I did this I know for a fact he would be upset. He has even told me in the past that he would never go looking for an ex, and has made it clear it would bug him if I did that. When I actually caught him looking in the past, he said he was 'just curious to see what happened to them'. He has an ex he emails with at times - when I asked him about this he says she contacts him and he feels guilty about how he treated her in the past so he writes back,,,BUT I have seen the emails and it has been HIM emailing HER!I don't think he would ever cheat on me..but doesn't everyone think that??? I've caught him lying about other stuff before, and he will cling to the lie until I catch him red-handed. So - I am bothered with the lying. Any thoughts from anyone? THANK YOU!!!!
P.S. - I found out all this by spying on him - getting into his email and Facebook - he doesn't know. I know that is bad, but after finding other lies I tend to snoop.
PPS - Wow - so many responses so far! Just to add - I have no problem being friends with exes, I am not jealous by nature. Ironically it is him! When we first got together he insisted we both throw away all old pics and letters and mementos from exes...so I just can't believe HE is doing this!

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

He is opening the door to BIG trouble. There is no REASON for him to be in touch with these women at all. I would talk to him and tell him you are not ok with this. It may start off as "innocent", but most times it doesn't end that way. I have an ex husband who lied and was chatting and texting women. He didn't "cross the line" (cheat) but he walked right up to it. We are divorced because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life snooping on him and wondering if he's coming home late, where he's been. I'm married now to a man that I trust completely and is wonderful to me and my kids. This is not a good situation for you, good luck to you!

3 moms found this helpful

You are his wife. Tell him that this behavior bothers you and ask him to stop immediately. If nothing is going on, he will. Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

I would be pissed. I would delete his account, that s just how I am . If my husband was checking up on old exes.......it would make me mad. I am the jealous type and so is he. So neither one of goes into that territory. My advice is to tell him to cut the s**t and grow up. Stop looking up exes now. Delete the EXs from your computer. I got a little quote for you::

If at first you don't deceive----lie lie again.

I cannot stand being lied to , this also would be a huge issue with me. How are you supposed to build a loving, sharing relationship with someone who does not respect you enough to tell you the truth. Your supposed to be partners in this life and marriage. Being lied to just not fit in. I wish you luck with your husband. Sometime they need a wake up call.

5 moms found this helpful

There appear to be obvious trust issues both ways in the relationship that are much deeper than Facebook.

I have NO problem with my husband being friends with other women and exgirlfriends on Facebook. He and I are friends, and I trust him explicitly. He knows I've searched for ex-boyfriends to see where they've ended-up and sent 2 former boyfriends letters when I was diagnosed with cancer in an attempt to mend old broken bridges.

If you confront him about this, you'll be opening pandora's box about all the issues in your relationship. So, choose how you do it very carefully, because your snooping may cause him to withdraw from you even more.

Facebook isn't the enemy - it's a great thing when used responsibly. Not everyone does, but you can't blame the tool - you have to blame the users. Facebook helped me communicate with so many people during my treatment in ways that were so much easier than e-mail and using the phone.

Go to Oprah.com and see if you can find the research about why men cheat. She's done several shows in the past few years about it - not implying that your husband is - but it's almost always because they don't feel wanted, needed or desired by their wives and seek it in other women.

If you have to go to couple's counseling to work through both of your insecurities, I'd do it now vs. before the damage is irreparable.

Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

Awwww Facebook! I’m sorry but your post actually made me mad at your husband! LOL. I'm SO sorry this is happening to you. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for lying. Where is his integrity?

Several responders below gave reasons why he may have lied but bottom line is, he lied and it’s wrong no matter how you slice it. Sure it’s O.K. to have old friends on FB but why hide it? The fact that he is emailing with these women without your knowledge is incredibly deceitful and hurtful. This is not a matter of FB, spying, snooping, jealously or anything of that nature! It is a matter of honesty, integrity, self control and TRUST!

I hope you step up and tell your husband that you have more respect for yourself then to allow him to continue to lie to you. You have lost your trust in him and until he can prove to you that you can trust him again, he needs to stop contacting his old GF’s. If he respects you and your marriage he will do it. If not then tell him…what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander baby cakes!

4 moms found this helpful

JMO but the fact that you have to spy on your spouse is troubling. You know there is an old saying "Where there is smoke....."

I think both of you should take a break from Facebook and talk directly to each other. Put your feelings on the table. This isn't a stranger - this is your husband. If he has to lie about things to you, something is not right. Talk to him honestly and if you have a neurtal party (like a clergy or something) maybe you both should meet with that person to see what is it within your marriage that has led you to the point you are at now.

Best of Luck!!

3 moms found this helpful

He is opening the door to BIG trouble. There is no REASON for him to be in touch with these women at all. I would talk to him and tell him you are not ok with this. It may start off as "innocent", but most times it doesn't end that way. I have an ex husband who lied and was chatting and texting women. He didn't "cross the line" (cheat) but he walked right up to it. We are divorced because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life snooping on him and wondering if he's coming home late, where he's been. I'm married now to a man that I trust completely and is wonderful to me and my kids. This is not a good situation for you, good luck to you!

3 moms found this helpful

One possibility is to add her as one of your friends, and introduce yourself, telling her how much you have heard about her, and that you are glad your husband has re-united with her online, and that you would enjoy being able to experience the reunion with your husband.
This will not only show your husband you are okay with him being her friend, but then you would see posts between them without having to pry, and she would know you knew the situation, which might prevent her from indulging too much.
Hope it helps, Good Luck... and by the way.. not all men cheat! not all women cheat! We have to trust the ones we love, we married them for a reason, and if we accuse them, we have broken the trust, not them! (Not that it makes cheating okay, but it is opening the door to deceit and sneaky behavior)

2 moms found this helpful

the innocent contact with an old GF on facebook doesn't bother me. the fact that he lies, that you are not comfortable with his lack of honesty (who would be?) and feel the need to check up on him clandestinely are big red flags to me. the fact that he is jealous of you but doesn't hold himself to the same standard bothers me. i don't think this is an insoluble situation, but it is not a healthy relationship and i hope you all hie thee to a good couples therapist forthwith.
good luck.
khairete
S.

2 moms found this helpful

I think if it were me, I would try to hold it together, not say anything at all, but keep tabs on his email and FB without him knowing. See where it goes. Right now it may be innocent curiousity, so if you confront hime, he can just turn the tables and get mad at you for spying. I would wait to see if it leads to something more. Maybe it just stays innocent, and ends. You won't know truly what he's made of, unless you see how far he takes it before he "gets caught". If it comes to it, I would make sure I was right there to catch him red-handed if he cheats. Especially since you say he has lied you to before. Sorry you're going through this.

2 moms found this helpful

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