The Other Woman

Embrace her. Even if you have to fake it. Tell him that you want him to defend you if she speaks badly of you again, but tell him that you really want to make an effort to like her/get to know her or whatever. He'll adore you for it, she'll be baffled by it, and the next time she talks about you, he'll get ticked off. My husband (of 15 years) has a lot of female friends, and it doesn't bother me. But he had this one when we first got married who used to joke that he was her "one that got away." She'd visit him at work and bring him presents for no reason. She called me his little pet project (I'm am a bit younger than my husband), and make patronizing comments. She'd flirt outrageously and make predictions about how long our marriage would last and that she'd be there to "comfort" him when he needed it. My husband would blush and tell her to knock it off, but it was clear he also enjoyed the attention and flattery. At first I tried to take a hard line, but my husband defended her, defended their friendship. Fine. So I did just the opposite. I tried to make her my BFF, and made sure my husband knew how hard I was trying. I figured either we really would become friends, and then I could just tell her how her behavior hurt me, or she'd go away. A few months later, she made a snotty comment about me in front of my husband and some of their mutual friends, and that was it. No one made a scene, but after all my efforts to be nice to her, everyone felt she'd crossed the line. Not only did my husband tell her he wasn't interested in her friendship anymore, but all their friends did, too. I felt badly she was cut out of our circle of friends completely like that, but I was relieved I didn't have to worry about her hanging around my husband's job, flirting and giving him gifts. I figured marriage has its ups and down, and we all get tempted at times. I didn't need her hanging around him in case we hit a rough patch. I knew he'd never cheat, but I didn't want him to even toy with the idea.
So, embrace her. Worst case, you really do get to like each other, and there's nothing wrong with that. Good luck.

7 moms found this helpful

Wow. No, you shouldn't just tell him to go to the party without you. You should just tell him to go....period. What he is doing is NOT ok. If he really cared about you he wouldn't hang out with someone who spoke badly of you. If he really cared about you he wouldn't continue doing something that bothered you. It is not ok, and you should not be ok with it.

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AFTER READING YOUR "SO WHAT HAPPENED"

M.,

Admitting that your boyfriend's girlfriend has a BOYFRIEND pretty much puts you into "THE PLAYER" category. Many of us thought that your boyfriend was NOT a KEEPER; perhaps it is YOU that may not be a KEEPER. I believe the advice you received would have been very different had you provided this little "TIDBIT" of information.

If you are looking for trouble, you will find it. If you are trying to make trouble, you might succeed. On the other hand, you might be left alone and your boyfriend will find a woman who isn't insecure and will get along with his friends....men, women, and YES family too.

Kindest regards...

M.,

1. The girl who won’t go away
2. She wants more then friendship
3. He says, she says “bad things” about me
4. Love, respect and ultimatums
5. They talk daily
6. Go without me – Don’t go without me
7. He wants to keep her in his life
8. No romantic interest
9. She’s unattractive (that sound’s kind of hurtful, mean and jealous)
10. He’s a good man

Yes, in your own words, you are being “stupid and resentful” and OH so much more.

You do not know if your “good man” is telling you the truth or not. I can think of a number of reasons why he maintains a relationship with another woman:

They may be good friends

Her children might be his children

Even “unattractive” women have vaginas and he’s got the better of two worlds

As his friend, she might feel that you are not the best person for him. That he comes home and tells you hurtful things is not her fault. The man is NOT loyal or committed to you and your child.

Why would you talk to her when it is your "live in" who is the offender, unless you want to give her an ultimatum.

Ultimatum: a final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations.

Your move!

Blessings.....

2 moms found this helpful

Your boyfriend sounds immature, and you a little as well. Don't give someone an "ultimatum" you have no intention of following through on.

I'm really concerned about your poor little boy bonding with this guy, and then the two of you will break up and break your son's heart. Why don't you get married? What's the point of living together if the two of you don't intend it to be permanent?

I say, tell your boyfriend: after 3 years together it's time to get married. If he won't marry you, then you have your answer -- he's unwilling to commit to you. The other woman is a non-issue.

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M.,

Any man or women who allows their friends or family to talk badly about their significant other is not worth keeping around. People teach people how to treat them--- he obviously feels its ok and won't change and by you staying in the relationship, you are showing him its ok to treat you that way. Get out and get out ASAP!

M.

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Sometimes I think I shouldn't respond because my values are "old fashioned" and wouldn't be appreciated. Here I see that every respondent shares my "old fashioned" values. I really like what Page suggested. If he is serious enough about "it's you baby" to actually marry you... and let go of his other friend... then stay. If not, start finding yourself another place and leave. Or if the place you are living is your place, not his, send him away.

2 moms found this helpful

M.,
I don't have any advice for you, but I can make a suggestion. What advice would you give your sister or best friend if she was faced with your dilemma? Remove yourself from the picture and insert a woman you love and respect and the answer may become clearer. Good luck to you and remember to be honest with yourself.

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M.-

I'm sorry, but you have to come to terms with that he is just not THAT into YOU. Move out and move on. Don't drag men through your kids' lives who are not respectful enough to you or they will think that treating mom like dirt is ok and that this is ok. I am not against a man having a friendship with a woman, but there are boundaries that you must set. He obviously does not care about your feelings and seems to get some enjoyment over having two women who want him. Otherwise, why feed into this, why tell you at all the things she says? Why not defend you? It is a ridiculous game, please, respect yourself more and expect more from a man than this. You are worth it and he is not. You will feel better when you get a grip on this reality and stop playing his game.

Take care,
D.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.-
I say, take Sarah's advice. It's stinking awesome, and never once puts you OR the other woman in a negative position. The attitude becomes 100% her and you remove all liability as far as she is concerned off of yourself.
It will require patience and a HUGE effort on your part, but it's totally worth it, because the outcome can only benefit you.
Good luck!!!
-E. M

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Dear M.,
This is a tough situation.
It's a little late for the "cart before the horse" speech with regard to living with a man who isn't your child's father instead of being married. I'm not a prude and I am not being judgemental, but if a man loves a woman and her child/children and wants to live with them, he should be willing to get married. I've been a single mom a long time, and I like making the choices about who will and won't fit into my life as opposed to me and my kids taking part in a "test run" while a man figures out whether or not he's serious about us.
That said, you have known about this other woman since you started dating your boyfriend almost 3 years ago. I will guess that him repeating bad things she says about you isn't a new development either, but you are finally getting tired of it. He hasn't responded to ultimatums because it seems that him verbally saying he chooses you should be enough in his opinion. You said yourself that he wants her in his life. So, in a way, he has made a choice. He's not going to get rid of her.
I live in a small town and have many male friends that I've known before their wives came along. Their wives and I are very close, we all go camping together, take care of each other when we're sick, look after each other's kids. I will admit that some friends of these wives have tried to start trouble by telling them it's not natural for their husbands to remain friends with me or to ask me to dance at wedding receptions when I'm the only single person there. Thank God their wives saw things differently and trust me. It's not always bad for a man to have a good woman friend who can talk to them about things from a female perspective. If my male friends are being insensitive jerks, I'm not afraid to tell them exactly what I think from the outside looking in. By the same token, I tell my female friends if they are making a mountain out of a mole hill when they get so mad at their husbands over something trivial. I say it out of love...to help smoothe things over, not to cause friction. And, I've never said anything to one that I couldn't say right to the face of the other.
If this woman can't be a true friend to both of you and have the interests of your relationship at heart, then she is not really a friend, by definition. I don't know if you'll be able to get your boyfriend to understand that. She may be hoping you'll break up, he may be trying to make you jealous. Either way, you are feeling uncomfortable about it. He may be getting his ego fed by feeling he's in the middle of two women vying for his attention.
You know the saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...."
Instead of feeling threatened by her, I would tell her you want to be friends, but first, you'd like to clear up some things that she's apparently said about you. Just come right out with it. If she says she doesn't like you and she never will, then you know how far that will go. And, if you and her actually come to like each other then him playing the two of you against each other won't really be possible anymore. For all you know, he runs to her everytime you get upset or give him an ultimatum and she comments on it and then he comes back and tells you what she said.....if you and her say what you have to say to each other, it pretty much cuts out the middle man.
He does not sound very mature and he doesn't sound all that ready to make a solid commitment. In the meantime, you're living with him in front of your son until or IF he decides he's ready to commit. It's easy to blame another woman for not leaving your man alone, but he's not leaving her alone either. I don't think SHE is the problem.
Don't make threats you're not willing to follow through on.
You are NOT married, so you have every right to re-think what you're doing. And, unless you can work this out in a way that you can trust, I wouldn't even consider marrying him at this point. That option would be off the table and I'd be figuring out how to move on if it was me. Since when does he make all the choices for your life when you aren't even married?
I have a friend going through this same thing. Because I love her, I begged her to cut her losses and start believing in her own self worth. She moved her and her son in with the guy instead. She sold her house to get him out of debt, paid his bills, works 80 hours a week and was still getting up to cook his breakfast and do his laundry and cook and clean for him. He didn't change and in fact, told her she's great, especially in bed, but he's not in love with her. Now she and her son are living in a tiny rented apartment with nothing but tears to show for any of it and she feels used. She WAS used. As mad as I am at him, she allowed it and frankly I think the most decent thing he ever did was tell her the truth. He could have told her that BEFORE she gave up everything for him. But, there was no ring on her finger and she never should have done it.
Our hearts and bodies are too precious to be toyed with, especially once we have children.
The concept of fighting for your man is great, but if your man isn't fighting for you, you're fighting a losing battle.

p.s. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Men find women attractive for a million different reasons. Don't compare yourself. Not for the better or for the worse. You need to own who you are and know that you are beautiful in your own right. If this guy doesn't see it, I can promise someone else will. As long as you know you are beautiful, you don't ever have to sell yourself short. No man is better than the wrong man.
If your boyfriend sees that you understand that, he may come around. If he doesn't, it's time to cut your losses and have a chance at someone who will truly love you.

I wish you the best.

1 mom found this helpful

If it were me, I would tell my boyfriend that he needs to make a choice. And if he chooses to hang out and continue his friendship with her that you can no longer stay in the relationship...and stick to this demand...don't stick around and get frustrated. If you are worried that he'll choose her, then you will need to have the courage to move on without him. I know this isn't easy being a single mom but this woman does not want you in the picture and will be a destructive force in your relationship. Anyhow, if this man is someone you are hoping to marry, it's better to find out now where his loyalties lie than to be suprised after you are wed.

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Sounds to me like it is a power play. If it bothers you, and you have told him that it bothers you he is asserting his control. The way that he flaunts it to you is just to show you that he is in control.

Sounds like he is getting the best of both worlds, regardless of what ultimatums you give him. In my experience they are only useful if you actually follow through. And btw, just because a woman is unattractive doesn't mean that guy won't sleep with her.

Stop giving him opportunities to hurt you. Tell him to get his stuff and go, and if you think you will cave do it with a friend over. You are better then this, and its not healthy to let your son have a male role model that disrespects his mother.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Another point no one has brought up. In addition to everything written below about your boyfriend's behavior, I don't like the fact that he knows this other person has romantic feelings for him, and continues the friendship, when we know she's not in it just for a friendship. She's hoping the time will come when he'll be with her. And, like any relationship, when you and he hit a rough patch... what then? He's got an ardent admirer right on tap who WILL take advantage of that situation. If he really isn't interested in her that way, he should consider not being friends with her just to help her move on. Now, I know we're not that interested here in the other person's feelings; the reason I bring it up is because your boyfriend is showing you in more than one way that "it's all about him". His behavior is indicative of how he will act in other situations in the future. Just the fact that he came back and reported to you the mean things she said shows a total lack of consideration or caring about your feelings. And that's just one of the many things people have already brought up.

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Okay... I can understand friendship between a guy and a gal... I have a male friend that I have had since I was 17 and when my late husband wanted me to give up our friendship, I refused. I don't see anything wrong with a total friendship... but if this gal is putting you down and your BF is not defending you but feels the need to let you know what she is saying about you... this is unacceptable. Although my male friend did not like my late husband, he never let on until a few years after his death.

So, I am thinking that if he is continuing to be friends with this gal, he needs to let her know that he doesn't want to hear any negative comments about you any more... there needs to be boundaries with this relationship. There is no reason why y'all can't hang out together... my friend & his family and my husband & I see each other occasionally and there is no problem.

If you are feeling that your BF cannot set boundaries with this gal and you are uncomfortable and he is not putting you first, then maybe it's time to rethink this relationship. Just because you are with someone for a long time, doesn't mean it's the right one.

1 mom found this helpful

No - dont confide in her, and break confidence with your BF by spilling the beans of what he said, about what she said. (" A person who lack's judgement derides his neighbor, but a person of understanding holds his tounge" proverbs 11:12) That will backfire bigtime.

Reality: Threesomes in a relationship don't work.

I had a situation similar- three people in a relationship- but the lady was MY freind! We met her at church, and she became my good freind. She was a fun person, and I enjoyed her company. I let her "into" my family because I felt sorry for her, Her parents divorced in childhood and her husband was an around the clock workaholic and ignored her. She really never knew how it felt to be loved or have a normal family life.
Sometimes she would come over in the afternoon to visit and still be here when my husband came home from work and they would start talking. Sometimes she would come over on weekends or in evenings, and toward the end of our friendship she would stay until 1 in the morning, just talking away. Her and my husband are both BIG talkers, and I found myself being left out of the conversations, cut off in mid sentence and talked over, or even ignored while they bantered back and forth, talking and laughing. It was like watching a tennis match. They had a LOT in common, more than my husband and I did. On nights she wasn't here, he was tired and didn't want to stay up and talk or he watched tv and ignored me. I pointed that out to him. I started telling my husband how I felt left out of the conversations, or that they were talking about subjects that were salacous and it wasnt right, and he'd aknowledge and say sorry but then things didnt change when she was around. He liked the attention she was giving him,(and she liked his attention). He started resenting me for making him feel "guilty" for talking to her because it was, quote, "his freind too and he was fond of her", and I shouldn't keep him from having freinds. At church I would see her from a distance, talking to my husband when I wasnt right there, but she would not stop to talk to me, just a quick wave as she'd walk by. When the church had VBS and my husband and I were having fun in the crowd singing, and doing the hand and body motions, I had to bow out for a minute to take my youngest to the bathroom, and she left the sideline where she was watching us and jumped in and took my place with my husband! She was also in our Sunday night Bible study where there were 4 hours of fellowship. I was getting to loathe the time around her.

I was in a pickle. How could I break off the freindship when we had to see her in these other places? or another option, HIM still go to Bible study and church without me, and be with her? or if I went with him, I really couldnt act like her freind after breaking it off, but he would still be talking to her as always, in front of me? My husband wouldnt leave bible study- he LOVED the chance to talk and laugh with people, especially her. And now, my husband didnt want to break off the freindship (but he swore he had no interest in her or she in him). Needless to say this entire situation put "A LOT OF STRESS" on us... and our marital relationship was deteriorating rapidly for the two years she was around. Then one night when i asked my husband to make love he told me NO, and he didnt love me anymore and wanted a divorce.
My world crashed. All of this could have been AVOIDED by not allowing her into my home life and "marital relationship" in the first place. This whole time I had been trying to walk a tightrope, trying to not be jealous, trying to be a good freind and giving person, trying to be a good wife and let my husband befreind her, no matter how it made me feel. But my anxiety about the situation still came out when my husband and I would talk about the situation in private. It got to the point where the conversasions we did have would eventually revolve around her.

Once my husband told me he was divorcing me, I had nothing left to lose, no tightrope to walk anymore. I told this "freind" that I needed to call off our freindship because the situation was unbiblical, and asked her to be careful about how she interacted with my husband. The Bible study leader solidified my feelings when I confided the situation to her. she also said that she thought they were too flirty. A few weeks later she disbanded the study. We quit going to church. It took 10 months for my marital relationship to heal after that. Thankfully with God's help, and a lot of forgiveness, it did.

Both of us learned a lot. We both agreed it was WRONG for us to allow her into our heart and home like that. In fact the bible says "A righteous man is cautious in freindship" and "seldom set foot in your neighbors house, too much of you and he will hate you". My husband had to learn about Honor. He was dishonoring me, in my own home, in front of my face, and I allowed it. Once I put my foot down, he respected me more. and in the end I learned to admire and verbally praise him, and joke around more, Be more of a "freind" to him, because he had that 'need'.

I reccommend you do NOT bring another singular person into
your twosome. If you want freinds, you need to find COUPLES, and even then, you need to be very careful! If your husband wants a freind he needs to find it in YOU first, or in a male.
(in the case of boyfreind, it is much harder to push this, that is why marriage, rather than live-in, is a better situation to strive for. Without the promise set forth in marriage, some men feel they are not promised into anything and therefor have more freedom to do whatever they choose).

And by the way, I read several books about relationships, and one thing they mention, is that cheating doesn't occur because of the other woman's good looks. It occurs because they are getting an emotional need met in the freindship that they are not getting in the marriage. Emotional affair is what it is called, which can lead to a sexual affair down the road if it continues long enough and both people move into that spot. If the marital relationship deteriorates, now the other relationship looks even better and moves even futher up in his mind.
Our NEEDS will drive our actions. Men are prideful, they want, ..actually NEED to be stroked, admired, connected with, and respected. People will leave their moral ideals behind, family, home, children, and churches, to get their highest emotional needs met.

The books I read were "his needs, her needs" and "Love must be tough". A CD that I found to be helpful for my husband to listen to was BOB GEORGE'S " Marriage, a matter of identification", found on realanswers.net. It talks about how a wife feels when she is dethroned by another woman in the relationship. (Finally my husband was hearing it from someone else, instead of just me, and it was sinking in). But I recommend you read both of these books too.

If you take the advice of the other mom on here and embrace this woman's freindship- you need to be prepared to NEVER, EVER, hound him about his freindship with her. No jealously, no envy, no openly feeling threatened about it. No anxiety. EVER. (can you do that?)Because it can just push him closer into it, and then make you look "needy",clingy, and less of a catch than he thought, and could make him feel trapped. (amazingly the words my husband used and the very same feelings that Dr dobson laid out in his book that he said these men would feel.)
You want to make him feel like you are a good catch, and WORTH fighting for, and that he WANTS to fight for it. No man will respect a doormat. Allowing him to have his little side gal, after he KNOWS you don't like it and youve given the ultimatum, is allowing yourself to be a doormat and your threats to be empty and unbeleivable.

Since you really can't tell him what to do (your not married)It would be wise of you to tell him he can continue his relationship with her if he wants, but NOT with you in the picture! Tell him you deserve to be honored and that is dishonoring for you.(deep down inside he knows it's true).
You need to draw the line in the sand now. What if you decide to marry him? Now you have set the precedent that he can have girlfreinds and you will allow it.

Stand firm girlfreind!

God bless,
G.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with the other letter writers. He isn't worth the stress. He lets his "friend" talk about you like that? I would wonder what he says about you to her as well. Three years together is a drop in the bucket. You have many more years ahead of you to be with someone who respects you. Take that time and cut this guy loose.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello M.: As the mother of several daughters, and having been a foster parent. I will tell you the same things that I have told them. When the person they were interested in was not faithful in all ways.
1. You are not in High School, So stop acting like it. You have no idea if the woman is even saying these things or if its all a lie. How would she get the information about you if he didn't betray a trust that you have with one another, and why would he repeat these things to you?? Again this is childish. He must like this strss and like the cat fight going on over him- to keep him built up.
2. You are not married, just living together, so there is no commitment for him or for that matter for you not to go looking elsewhere.
3. You are the mother of a child. Not a little girl, your first responsibility is to your child. Whe a woman has a child it is important not to have men going in and out of thier lives that are not going to be there in heart and soul. It is demeaning to the child and very confusing. I have had foster children that were totally a mess becasue thier "mother" was so needy to have a man in her life that she didn't think of the effect on the child. If you can't see that his priorities are different than yours you are the one with a problem. You don't say if he is the father of your child, If Not then you should think hard before getting into another relationship!
**** That said, and really is what I have said to my daughter... what is wrong with you that you are so dependent on this or any man when you should be full focus on the child you have and are to parent with the best of examples. So my question is???? why be with someone that you don't trust and is disrespectful of you??? First off unless HE, is telling her thingsabout you, then she couldn't comment. Just as you put it out there for us on MaMa Source to comment, to help you to see what to do. Sweetie, I give you full permission to know that you are worth more than this and that he needs to be shown the front door along with his things. You might miss him for awhile but he'll find a replacement fast enough and you'll see that you did yourself and your child a great service. Then get yourself into a program to help you see that you are worth while, and deserve the best someone has to offer not the crumbs! Nana Glenda

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My hsuabnd had a friend like this before we were married. She would pretend to be nice to me to my face and then tell him that he could do better than me. She went as far as to tell him that I have no idea how to dress and that she would be willing to sacrifice time and take me shopping to that I would look more acceptable. (she dresses like an old lady). When she said this I got FURIOUS and told him that she was not welcome in our house and I did not want to try and be a friend to her. We would see her our and about occasionally but it was very casual and i generally walked away with out any response and my husband had to follow me. She was nasty to my maid of honor and actually tried to pick the the best man who was dating my maid of honor. Can we all say "cougar"??? So after a terribly stressful engagement luncheon, I gave my husband the run down. She is not to call my house or show up at my house. She is not my friend and never will be. All was pretty quiet until she found out I was pregnant. I was put on bedrest for the last 3 months and she would just show up randomly so say "hi". UGHHH! Once my son was born she would come to the hospital every day before any visitors were allowed and got the nurses to agree to let he in. She would holdmy son and have this wierd look in her eyes so much so that I told her that she couldnt hold him too long, that I was uncomfortable with it. When I got home after 6 days inpatient, she starts coming over every afternoon to cook us dinner. She was a lousy cook but even more so was the stress that she caused. Heaven help the woman scorned by a first time mom just trying to get through to the nexthour!! Lucky for me she moved to Texas and rarely ever calls! Bottom line, you need to get your man to stand up to her and set boundaries or it will never happen and next thing you know, she will be his girl. KWIM? Good luck and I hope it work out for you. If not then do what you got to do!

The one thing I find so wrong with this is that how can a man who loves a woman so much.......listen to harmful things about her from a friend continuously and still be friends with that person....as well as telling the person you loved those harmful things...if he was a true man,he'd be standing up for you and telling his friend that those comments were uncalled for and that if his friend wants to continue thier friendship, she needs to halt on the comments....A man protects his family..not hurts it. I just do not see not good stuff in the future if he continues to have this friend.

let me just say that I had a friend that I couldn't not stand who she picked as a partner..and always said negative things about him...I saw that it made her unhappy and looked at the big picture and saw that this person made her happy and I changed my views to ...what makes my friend blissfully happy makes me happy....it took a while, but I grew to like him..and really he wasn't that bad of a guy..it just took some time for me to learn to understand him.....and in the long run....am so glad I changed my views..(not to be melodramatic)..but my friend past away with breast cancer at a very young age and am so happy she found someone that made her happy before she passed away.

I was going to give some advice but then I read Sarha's and OMG that's good. I guess it's true what they say, keep your friends close and your enemys closer.

he should stop seeing her based on your wishes. if not, he is not the one that is meant to be with you for the rest of your life.

You have to make your decisions. You will never be at peace with a man that against you best wishes continues to hang around with another woman, especially one you all know would like to be with him. He is having his cake and eating it too. I hate that saying. What he is doing is wrong, you deserve better. Would he accept this same situation from you, would you act this way. He is being as disrespectfull as she is, even worse. I hate to think you are selling yourself short, no one should settle for less than complete devotion and respect, if they want to be happy with someone they love. I would say in short (now)!! ha ha. The right man for you is not this man, I am sorry he is great otherwise, but you are torn up because of a choice he is making. Try to heal your heart and go on to find someone that wants only your female companionship and that respects serious wishes you make. Best of luck for happiness.

M.,

One thing I've learned about threats is you need to follow through on them. Whether it's with children or men. I'm not so much comparing men and children, but you have to admit there are similarities. Constantly allowing a bad behavior usually creates other bad behaviors and reinforces the assumption you have no boundaries. I hate to ask but is it possible your boyfriend made up the unkind things the other woman supposedly said about you? Maybe he likes that your jealous or that he's creating drama.

At this point what happens is up to you. You've proven you will allow him to continue in a behavior that you don't approve of and that hurts you. The female friend has no obligation to stop a friendship she may not even know is creating issues, especially since you apparently go to gatherings on occasion when she is present. Tell him it has to stop and be prepared to follow through when it doesn't stop. I would have a plan in place for that possibility, such as how you will get him out of your house and how to make it a safe and low drama event. Also once he is out of the house, you can't just let him come back when he promises to change - you will need to see change and believe it. You deserve better and so does your child.

I agree that it's a loyalty issue and his loyalty is not with you. First, I think he's fueling a fire by passing along things that she says about you. Secondly, if he truly loves you, he would tell her that he loves you and to keep her comments to herself. I personally could not be friends with someone who talked poorly about my husband. I think I would also let her know that her comments are being carried back to you and that you don't appreciate her talking about you. I absolutely would not put up with this and I don't think you should either.

M.,
I know all too well the frustration you are feeling. I agree with every response so far. DO NOT lower your standards! You are not being stupid & resentful, you are standing up for your self & that self-respect is more important than any man you will ever have in your life. If he did love you, he would respect your feelings about this friend & not allow her to talk badly about you. The fact that he would tell you what she says but not tell you how he responded speaks volumes. Men are great actors & will do or say anything to keep things going their way. Actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words - that goes for you as well.
As for talking to her, if you aren't very close to her, don't bother. All you will end up doing (regardless of what you say or how you say it), you will look like the jealous girlfriend & only feed the flame. It is your boyfriend's job to talk to her & resolve the situation.

Interested in what others would say.

I've been meaning to respond to this all week and am finally getting around to it. So my guaranteed to work solution is this... kindness. Okay, now before you blow me off as a new aged, hippy type let me say this. It is always best to keep your adversaries close. You say kind things about her. You try to think kind things. You act kindly towards her. When your partner wants to spend time with her you respond kindly. Listen, you both have something important in common. You both care about a man who is obviously a wonderful person or you wouldn't have chosen him. That's a great place to start. Worst case scenario, she's still mean but you look like a saint to your partner. Best case scenario, you guys become friends and laugh about the old tense times over a couple of margaritas. You might want to start by going up to her and saying "Look, I know things have been awkward in the past, but (insert man's name here) is important to both of us, so maybe we can start over." If you can't think of anything nice, ask your partner what he likes about her and see if you can find those things in her too. You want people in your partner's life who are supportive of your relationship, but you don't get choose for him. So, up your chances of getting her on your side (and being seen as the good guy to boot) by finding a way to be kind even (maybe especially) when it's hard. Best of luck!

You're right, it is a loyalty issue. If he is friends with, and talks daily with, someone (male or female) who says hurtful and mean things about you, and he keeps going back for more, and even repeats what she says about you to your face, then he doesn't really care doodly squat about you. It's easy enough for him to say "It's you, baby," when you ask who he really cares about, and it doesn't cost him a thing. If he wants to be with you, tell him he needs to cut her loose. If he doesn't, tell him to hit the road, Jack.

Hi M.,
It is in my opinion that when he talks with the O/W that he may say something about you that ticks him off. Then the O/W jumps on board with her opinion. Then he comes back and tells you in hopes that you may change what ever habbit or thing this is. Not saying you do need to change, just a thought. Then of course the O/W jumps on board cause as you well know, she likes your man. She probably says things to him such as, I would never do that to you. So instead of suggesting he look at the situation different, she helps attack you for her benefit..... If he doesn't want to loose you he will change his opinion about his female friend. You could also make his O/W your very good friend also. Inviting her to your place so you can see them together. Also suggest she find another woman to be her best friend, not your man. Like the others say, get your plan together.If you make a threat, make sure its one you can keep. God's Blessings, N.

I can't imagine continuing a relationship that causes my husband to be hurt. And I wouldn't let anyone bad mouth my husband. I also know he would do the same for me. I probably wouldn't even have to ask because we respect and love each other.
Your problem isn't her. It's him and talking to her isn't going to change him. I for sure, wouldn't let hime go to the party by himself (in my opinion, if he had any respect for you he wouldn't go and he would sever all ties with his friend).

There are really only two choices that you have. 1. Accept that he has this friend because you want to be with him or 2. Leave him because he is not respecting your feelings by staying friends with this person. Let me explain.

My husband then boyfriend at the time was attaching himself to a girl in our apartment building. She was a signle mom of three and his daughter and theirs played together whenever we had his daughter on visits. Pretty soon he was helping her with everything it seemed like. Whenever she needed something fixed he would go fix it ,etc. It was to the point that other residents would say hi to me and then talk to me about how beautiful this other girl was (dropping hints, stirring up trouble,I don't know). So finally I sat him down and said. I know you have been helping out so in so (forgot name) a lot and I just wanted to let you know that it is starting to make me feel really uncomfortable. He naturally got defensive and said that he felt sorry for her b/c she had no one tp help her out. I said I understand that, but you are with me and when people start coming up to me and talking about her to me and how beautiful she is for no apparent reason it starts to make me wonder. He said Nothings going on. So I said okay because I am really uncomfortable with the situation as it is right now and we're together and I think you need to understand that by helping her you are making me feel this way. He went on to explain that he was just helping her out, etc. and I (pregnant at the time) explained to him that no one comes to help me. I have to carry groceries up stairs and plenty of times male neighbors have been out and no one offered to help. I told him other people are taking it the wrong way (his helping her) and then he apologized and said he didn't realize what he was doing he just felt sorry for her and thought what if that was me he would want someone to help me out. and so he stopped helping her out and then shortly after that we moved.

The thing is that he was honestly just being a really nice guy and having been signle with a daughter he really didn't take in to consideration my feelings at all. I didn't get defensive with him or accuse, I just told him how the situation was making me feel by doing what he was doing.

He sounds like a guy you really enjoy being around and before jumping to conclusions try considering how you have approached him when you talked to him about this other women. If he still won't hear you then and continues to be friends with her regardless of your feelings then you either need to accept that or let him go.

Time to face the music - you made an ultimatum and now you will have to live up to it. If you two really are building a relationship for your future, it will not include this friend since you find her such a threat. Your boyfriend does not sound like he knows how to be mature and build a lasting relationship. Someone who loves you a lot should be able to live up to his word. Having friends one sees occasionally is one thing, having a friend one talks to daily is another. They have a relationship (and it doesn't have to be sexual to be an important one) and what he is telling you with his behavior is that he will lie to you (it's you baby) because that is what you want to hear to get off his back, then go hang out with her.

Sorry - you deserve better

L.

Well.... It sounds like he has a track record of getting involved with women who have children. It must make him feel "manly" helping single moms with kids.
Personally, I'd say he doesnt seem like a keeper. I never and would never have a man in my life who wanted a separate relationship with another woman. If he truly loved you he would not be interested in spending time with that other gal and her kids.
I think Sarah's advice is good as well. If you really love this non commiting man, then you need to embrace all of his friends as your own. When she calls or invites him over, make sure you also get involved with the phone conversation and or the visit. What's his is yours and make her realize it's a package deal when she wants a visit from him she is also going to get you and your child as well.
I don't know how old you guys are, but you sound a little bit young, a mature relationship would not have this problem.
You probably don't need a man in your life right now, especially one that you have to worry about. I would concentrate on raising your child and being a better you.

All I Can say is respond in kindness. I feel that you know your boyfriend best and if u dont see any red flags then there aren't any. I am glad u got alot of feed back.

Wish you the best of luck and Blessings

~ C. Z

Dear M.,

I think this is about self-respect. What you believe about YOU!

Please realize you are worth more than what this man is putting you through. Coming home from visits with this other woman to demean you with her hurtful comments, and continuing to see her knowing you do not like it is wrong.

I am sure there are plenty of men out there who would treat you with respect and like the vibrant, wonderful, beautiful woman you are. I only hope you can see for yourself that YOU deserve it.

Not only do you deserve better, but your son does too. No matter how young, he is watching, and he is learning. What kind of man do you want him to be?

You have received much advice here and I am sure you will take from it what you need and feel is beneficial. My hope for you is you see how important you are for yourself, and your son. You deserve better.

Blessings~
B. T

M.,
Run, don't walk, RUN. This man does not love you. It doesn't matter what comes out of his mouth. It matters what he does. His actions say he does not love you. You should NEVER compromise in a relationship just because you want someone to love. There are so many red flags here. You're not ready to kick him out yet because you want someone in your life. Priority #1....your son. Period. This relationship ultimately will end in disaster and your son will be traumatized. Stop it now...today. This man is sadistic to listen to the horrible things the other woman says to him and then tell you about them. He is a good man? NOT. A good man would sever that relationship. A good man would not rub mean things in your face. A good man would make a choice and not try to ride the fence. You are worth so much more than this man, and your child deserves more than that. Get out while you can. TODAY!

If I were you I would meet her for coffee and have a little chat with her. Let her know your feelings. You can trust him, but if their relationship bothers you you need to figure out why. She is so jelouse of you and that is why she says bad things about you. Be the bigger person and let them have their friendship, but set boundaries. Go to the party and be her best friend and act like it doesn't bother you. Good luck!

HI M..
I can feel your pain and uncomfortableness. I too was once in situation similar to the one you are in right now. This women would call my boyfriend in the middle of the night crying about this and that... I had always felt very uncomfortable when they would talk (he had lots of women friends but this was different). We ended up breaking up and he married her about 5 years later.
I would make sure you are in conversation with your boyfriend and make sure she really is just a friend and has no interest.
There is probably no reason for concern but just make sure she is not causing racket in your lives.

Hi. Your boyfriend appears to enjoy telling you the things that this other gal says about you. Why? Since you don't like hearing it (and I completely understand your feelings), tell him that you don't want him telling you these things anymore. Have you contemplated the possibility that he enjoys the tension that this woman creates? If you try ignoring the friendship, he could possibly stop hanging out with her when he doesn't get the reaction from you which it seems to me he is seeking. I wouldn't go to her house for her son's bday. Do something you enjoy during the time of the party and if your boyfriend decides to go alone, well, that is his choice. Don't do anything that would make you sick to your stomach. Remember, if you don't listen to your gut instincts, who will?

Hi M.
I second everything that Toni had to say and would also add.
Some women spend a lot of time trying to figure out "the other woman" or why their partners behave as they do. There is this notion that IF you can figure out what the guy likes in the other woman, you can somehow be like she is OR find fault in the other woman, when truly , perhaps the fault if any is on the part of the boyfriend. I think what you can do apart from the boyfriend and other woman is... begin to ask yourself why you are willing to put up with any of this, why when life is so short and you have a child to raise are settling for this kind of behavior. Truly, you needn't give anyone an ultimatum but yourself.. and that is... You be the change in this relationship, you be the one who steps up to the plate and says, I don't need this from anyone.. you decide that IF the circumstances aren't what you want or need for you or your child then you are leaving. Make no if ands or buts... it's time for YOU to make a change... there is no blame here, just time to realize that people's actions speak louder than words...... your boyfriend's actions might be yelling in your face.. it's time for you to listen up..

best of luck