What Do You Consider to Be Adultery?

Dear Kerry,

I can most certainly understand your concern but only because I once would have been as concerned as you are and upset as you are if my husband was doing this. I'm 54 years old and have been around the block more than a few times. I am in a very happy and successful marital relationship going on 32 years. I've been married before and so has he.

Here is what I've learned over the years and perhaps it will help assuage your fears.

First of all NO e-mailing is NOT a form of adultery at least not in the way you've described how your husband is doing it.

Second of all and perhaps the MOST important thing is do not and I mean DO NOT ask your husband to stop. Don't ask him to change for you and most especially don't ask him to stop having close friends of the opposite sex. If you insist on it I can guarantee you that your relationship with him will suffer immensely. If there is one thing I've learned in 30 years of marriage (and yes I've had other intimate relationships so I have some experience in this area) is that we can't restrict our partners from being who they are and from having friendships with who they choose. If who they are and the friendships they choose is so hurtful to us and is truly harming us in any way then it's our responsibility to end the relationship but it's not our right to try to force them to change. We are who we are and we should all be allowed to be who we are and to have friendships with who we want to have a friendship with.

You have to take a minute here and be completely and totally honest with your self. From what I read ALL of this is about 'you'. It is your fear of what might happen or what's already happened that you don't know about that is the main issue here. I don't see where your husband is doing anything wrong except being the sort of person who can maintain a close friendship with a person of the opposite sex WITHOUT sex being involved. That is a very rare thing and something that you should treasure in your spouse, not something you should fear. It is the spouse who CAN'T have close friendships with those of the opposite sex that you need to be suspicious about...those are the ones who will say it's only a friendship and it will turn out to be something else (been there and done that).

I have very close lifelong personal friends who are male in my life. My husband has always had close personal friends who are female. There is no jealousy and no reason for it. My husband, like yours, is completely open about who he is talking to or e-mailing and even who he is having lunch with or hanging out with. I am also completely open about the same for myself. Most of his female friends are from work and I don't really know them very well but I'm never suspicious of them. Why? Because I know my husband and I know that he is 100% dedicated to our relationship 100% of the time. He isn't jealous of my male friends because he knows the same of me. I 'trust' him but not because of what he hasn't done; it's because I choose to trust him until he gives me a really good reason not to. I don't see yet a really good reason for you not to trust your husband according to what you wrote.

It is possible for ex-spouses to remain close personal friends and still have wonderful relationships with their new spouse. I've seen it far too many times not to know it's possible. We can't be EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME to our spouses or to anyone else for that matter and when we accept that and become okay with it we are blessing our relationships with more joy that we ever thought possible. Your husband isn't being disrespectful toward you but you are being disrespectful toward him by assuming that it's perfectly okay to tell another human being, an adult, who they can and can't be friends with just because you are married to him. If you truly believe this is how a marriage works then you'll learn soon enough that a marriage like this can't work and yours will end. Why do you think divorce runs rampant in our society today? It's because of the 'idea' so many people have of what a marital relationship is 'supposed' to be. It's not an ownership...no one owns anyone else and no one has the right to tell another who they can be friends with I don't care what the marriage vows say. Those vows are old, outdated and come from a time when women were property and men did whatever men wanted to do. Things are different now and those old ways of being in a marriage no longer apply today. The ONLY way a marriage will work and both parties will be happy is if both parties accept the other for who they are, even the stuff they may not like so much, and doesn't ask the other person to change for them.

There will be those who will tell you to be very afraid and to make your husband stop this. It is the insecure person who will put the responsibility on their spouse for how they feel about things. They are fearful and insecure so they require their spouse to behave in a way so they won't feel fearful or insecure (typically when the spouse complies the insecure person will find something else to be fearful of and will ask their spouse to change yet again-no relationship can work this way). This is highly unfair to the spouse and isn't doing the person asking their spouse to be someone who they aren't any good either. At some point in our adult life we must accept responsibility for our feelings and stop putting that responsibility on others. No one can hurt us unless we decide to be hurt. No one can make us mad unless we decide to be mad. We decide how to see things and how to feel about them...no one decides for us. Those who can't accept this responsibility for their feelings and their reactions don't tend to do very well in life and tend, in my observation, to have many unsuccessful short-lived and usually very unhappy dysfunctional relationships. We can't hold others responsible for how we choose to perceive things. Again I only share this because I've lived it and learned to change how I see things and it has changed my life in such wonderful ways it's beyond description. I have been there and done that and learned better.

I can't stress enough how much we can't change other people so if we want something, like a relationship, to change then we must change our selves. If we can't do that or if we do and nothing changes then perhaps the relationship wasn't meant to be in the first place.

It sounds like except for this you have a pretty good relationship with your husband. DON'T throw it away because of your own insecurities because what you describe is a great foundation to build a wonderful loving mutually beneficial and satisfying relationship on that will last for many, many years..probably for the rest of your lives. I only say this because I've been where you are now, I changed how I looked at things, and everything changed. We have to truly look more at the wonderful things than at the things we don't care for so much otherwise the relationship is doomed. It wasn't five years ago I'd made up my mind to end my marriage. I wasn't happy and spent all of my time focusing on the things he didn't do for me that I wanted/needed as well as all the things he did that I didn't like so much. We have to learn to overlook the small things. We expect others to overlook those little quirks we have that others may not like...it's only right to do the same for others.

Five years ago in my mind my marriage was over after years of fighting to get what I thought I needed from my husband and to stop him from doing those things I didn't agree with. Then I decided to stop seeing him in that way and to begin to focus only on what he 'did' do and on the good things in our relationship. It saved our marriage. Nothing really changed except me but EVERYTHING changed and today I wouldn't have any other man in my life for anything. It is the blessings in our lives we must look at if we expect to get more of them.

Again if your husband can have healthy friendships with other women and be as open about them with you as he has been more power to him. That is something you should appreciate about him and value him for not be fearful of. If he can maintain healthy friendships with other women, be respectful of them and value who they are as human beings then you've got a man well worth holding onto because there are plenty of men out there who can't even see another woman without thinking of that other woman in a sexual way and then spend all of their time figuring out how to make that fantasy a reality. You are one of the lucky ones if you ask me. Here's how I see it. If my husband can be a good friend to other women besides me then it means he knows how to be a good friend to me and let me tell you from almost 40 years experience with being in relationships with men being friends is maybe one of the most important parts of an intimate relationship. There will be times when the 'love' wanes and that's when being friends will keep it together. This is personal experience and personal success speaking.

Good luck to you and remember...don't hold your husband responsible for your fears and insecurities. Being jealous never kept anyone from cheating!!!

P.S. After reading the other responses here I'm not surprised at them. This is how so many view a personal relationship...make him do what YOU want him to so YOU don't feel upset with him. How sad for them, really. Again this is why so many marriages fail in this country today. People, especially women it seems, want to hold everyone else responsible for how they feel and whether or not they feel safe in a relationship. NOTHING in life works this way; at least it's not functional or satisfying working this way. You are making a problem where it appears to me there is none. The bigger you make the problem in your mind the bigger problem it becomes between you and your husband. It's not your husbands responsibility to make sure you aren't jealous. How would you feel if you had a similar e-mail relationship with someone you knew like your ex or with someone you met on the internet? How would you feel if you knew you weren't doing anything wrong but your husband suspected you were cheating on him in your heart, even if not with your body, and demanded that you stop being friends with these people? You wouldn't like it I can promise you. In fact you'd resent it; you wouldn't like that he doesn't trust you even though you haven't done anything to betray his trust. We have to have the same consideration for other human beings, even our husbands, as we expect them to have for us. In sharing with you what he is doing and in allowing you to see what has been written by him and others it is painfully obvious to me that he feels he isn't doing anything to be ashamed of or that threatens your relationship with him. But you are making it a threat by your insecurity about it. You are the threat. Trust me...the more you accuse him of doing something improper the more you may drive him to actually do what you think he's doing. If someone continues to accuse you of something you aren't doing sometimes we think the only recourse is to do what we are being accused of OR end the relationship.

You can take the advice of whoever you wish, I have nothing invested in giving my advice, but I can promise you if you make this molehill into a mountain you'll be looking for husband number three in no time at all.

5 moms found this helpful

Hi Kerry,
First of all, I want to acknowledge the importance of your feelings. If you're not comfortable with something that your husband is doing, you have every right to discuss that with him, and to ask that he be willing to look at the possibility of creating boundaries or changing his behavior on your behalf. But those changes are done on your behalf because he cares about how you feel. You have to take ownership of your feelings too, because this situation is obviously not cut and dry right or wrong. By your own admittance, your husband has been completely open with you about everything. He has allowed you access to his private emails. He debriefs you on every conversation. From what you say, I think he has done everything within his power to be respectful of your needs and it is obvious that he cares about your feelings. That's something that needs to be acknowledged as well.
There are definitely situations where email could be considered adultery. And I could even see you being uncomfortable with how close he is with his x-wife. But it does seem like you are also insecure with this relationship. Almost like you're looking for something to be wrong with what he's doing. I would ask you to look inside yourself to find out where that's coming from. Has he or another person you've been with been unfaithful to you in the past? Is he truly doing things that should arouse anyone's suspicions? Do you feel worthy of being loved and treated with respect? Where are these feelings coming from? Because honestly, from what you wrote, many of the things that he said seemed like they were taken out of context and you could have been reading more into them then what was truly there. And I have to say, it doesn't seem like the healthiest dynamic for you to be reading his personal emails like that. Just because you're married doesn't mean that neither of you are entitled to any privacy. And you both came into the relationship as adults, which means you both have a past that you bring with you... including close personal friends and x-lovers. Of course there should be healthy boundaries and mutual respect around how these past relationships are maintained within the context of your marriage... but it sounds like you are asking people on this list to give you a blanket statement saying that he deserves for you to be angry at him.. and I just don't think that's fair to ask us to do.
And it's not fair to you. It's a copout for critical thinking and true introspection. It's apparent that you are uncomfortable and suspicious about him having female friends. The next step is for you to own that, accept it about yourself, and figure out where to go from there. Either way, your relationship as you describe it sounds like it's pretty devoid of trust and is a little bit oppressive (to him). It's not fair to maintain control of someone's behavior by threatening to break up with them.
It's obvious that he loves you or he wouldn't stick around through all of the email interrogations.. and that has to count for something! Overall, I'd say, give him a little more credit and appreciation, be honest with yourself about where your feelings of mistrust are coming from,ask him about how he feels about it all and truly listen to his reply, and then if you still think he's being a jerk- then there's more to the story than you've written, and you have every right to take care of yourself and demand to be treated with respect!! But remember- if someone really is untrustworthy.. then that's it. It's over. There's no going back from that.
Good luck! I hope you figure it out... and may your relationship only grow stronger by moving through this challenging time with open, honest, empathetic communication.

4 moms found this helpful

Kerry,

I've read some of your responses, though not all of them. Personally, I do agree that asking your husband to stop entirely is a bit extreme and unfair to him. As long as the emails aren't crossing the line in flirtation and staying on a friend level (even close friends), then I don't see any harm in it. In fact, I think it's healthy to have relationships with the opposite sex where you can be still be silly and open about things, AND have certain connections, and then still come home and love your spouse with all of your heart. Many people literally NEED to have that in their lives and it really truly is healthy.

I do understand why it's bothersome to you, and it's the true way that you feel about it. I don't want to ask you to change the way you feel, though it may help you to try to separate yourself from it a little and look at the situation from a human perspective, rather than a personal perspective. It might shed a little light on the situation that you weren't seeing before. I think that we all have our own ideals of what a relationship should be, which is often corrupted by a societal perspective, and losing much of the human aspect of ourselves.

The fact that your husband has been so honest with you for so long, and started to be dishonest only when you started taking away something that he feels he needs, should be an indicator of something that you should be looking at yourself at in the contributions of your relationship. He should NOT have been sneaky, of course, but it goes to show how strongly that this is the person he is and needs to be to be happy.

I hope I'm not coming across too negative towards you, because that's not my intent. You're a human being in a tough situation (especially by the standards of typical society today), and you have strong feelings about this situation. I get that. I’m just trying to give my honest opinion on the situation and shed light on a different perspective than what you’re giving the situation now. Again, I understand that it's not easy, and that your ideals of a relationship are conflicting with what he needs in life, which is a real issue that needs to be addressed by both partners in the marriage. But you sound like you have a really great marriage otherwise. Don't ruin it all on something that is more about you than him. Marriage is about compromise and supporting EACH OTHER. He should support you in your feelings to keep things on a friend level (as you say you don't have a problem with), and you should support him in his need for communicating and having relationships with these other woman. Marriage is about being partners, even when you're on opposite ends. You BOTH have to do your part. If you can't, then you're not ready for a real marriage and will not ever have a successful one. You just can't do all of the taking and none of the giving. No two people are going to not have any issues. You seem to have VERY few in comparison to many other marriages out there that aren't considering divorce. Trust your husband.

Just think about it.

I truly wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

3 moms found this helpful

Kerry - I guess the big question is...Do you trust your husband? It doesn't sound like it at all.
I am not on anyone's side...I would hate it if my husband was having those kinds of conversations as well. BUT, he's not saying " I loved what we did last night" and she's not saying "you're the best lover I've had"
I don't think I would continue to be married either, but it would be MY issue...not his.
He's telling you about his conversations, he's letting you read his emails....I have often been told that cheating is doing something that you would not want your wife to see. He doesn't seem to be bothered by it.
Adultry to me is if my husband is having sex (oral IS included) or if he has fallen in love with someone else. Talking is not adultry to me.
Good luck with whatever you decide. L.

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I wouldn't go so far as to say he's committed adultry..yet, but he has betrayed you. He's playing with fire when he starts emailing all these different women. My question is why? Why all of a sudden (or has he always done this) is connecting and emailing other women. Is he in a rut? midlife crisis? How would he feel if YOU were the one emailing men? Not so happy I'd imagine. The true issue here is his invalidation of your feelings about it. Even IF it is innocent, the fact that it bothers his wife to this degree should be enough reason to put a kabosh on all this emailing. Perhaps all this attention from other women is filling some void in his own life. Maybe he feels that rush you feel when you first start a relationship? All of a sudden he's center of attention and it feels great. Not implying with you he's NOT the center of attention, however, based on my marriage anyway, it isn't that new heart stopping romance that it was right in the beginning. I'm not sure if he'll stop or just get more sneaky. Sounds like he's already trying to delete messages instead of stopping all together. The deceipt is beginning.Don't rush into anything right now in the heat of the moment. See how things are working out, if he's indeed stopping the emails. I definately wouldn't want him going to that lady's massage business........for sure. Good luck with this one. Marriage is a lot of work, and well worth it if you can stick it out in bad times and work toward more good ones.

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Hi Kerry, thanks for laying it all out there. I hope all the responses you get will help you sort through it. I don't think it really matters what all our opinions are, it yours that counts. You're the one in the marriage.

Since you asked, I will share mine. I'm not sure I would actually consider it adultery, however, it's on the brink of becoming that. In many ways I think emotional attachment is more harmful than physical cheating. It sounds like your husband is playing a dangerous game. He may not think he would actually "cheat" and perhaps he likes the attention. It is nice to be wanted. I think anyone would agree with that. And these other women are doing the same thing "it's nice to be wanted" but, they may not have the same value system as your family, and they certainly don't have the same tie to you. Bottom line, I think it's dangerous. And, the fact that your husband continues to do it even after you've shared your concerns with him is another reason to be concerned.

I think Facebook, My Space, Email, etc. can be used for fun to catch up with old buddies, etc. But it can cause a lot of harm as well. My brother in law's marriage ended over it. The attention she got on My Space was more important to her than her marriage. And, there was some physical cheating that ended up happening as well. If a person continues to put themselves in tempting situations and one of the party is not willing to stop it, things happen very quickly and easily.

I'm on Facebook and so is my husband. We are careful not to give too much leeway to our old friends of the opposite sex. And, actually, if I say something a little flirtatious to a guy friend on Facebook they have a good enough value system that they won't continue it, so it never goes too far. "It takes two to tango" is what my parents always told me!

I hope you and your husband will go to counseling to get on the same page. If it's bothering you and he's not stopping, then it is a deeper problem.

I wish you both luck and happiness! I'll give you another reference as well. Have you seen the book "StepCoupling"? It doesn't have anything to do with adultery but it's a great resource for blended families. She has a website and blog as well.

Best wishes,
T.

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Kerry, I've been married 31 years to a military guy. Marriage certainly isn't what we see on TV or read in books ^j^

Quite frankly if you don't both have an understanding how each other thinks/feels, willing to compromise and have a similiar way of living your life, it won't work. Many,many times counseling helps as so many of us don't realize the impact we're having on our spouse.

Having said that, I do believe that the internet can be the "grey" area of adultery. Men and women come at situations in different ways. I can't see how your marriage can work unless your husband understands and STOPS making an emotional connection to other women. Marriage is give/take but it doesn't work when one gives much more than the other.

You mentioned counseling. Has he been to counseling? Have you been to couples counseling?

I'm not saying that counseling will magically fix everything but it sures gives insight to what's going on between the two of you. If you still decide to divorce, it will be very clear why and make it easier for you to know that you've done all that you could to save your marriage.

I'm more sorry than I can say that you want to divorce. If he isn't willing to change then I can't see how it can work unless you are willing to look the other way in such a fundamental part of your marriage - TRUST.

Many blessings to you,
E.

2 moms found this helpful

What he is doing IS a form of adultery---IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR CENTURIES--- I can't believe some of the responses. You are right to stop it before it goes to the next level. First it's "a little talking, then flirting, then meeting then duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Look around you- Why is every marriage in trouble? Your husband isn't being faithful by talking to other women on the internet! It's not harmless it's what leads to the physical end result--and a break up of yet another marriage-- sorry for being blunt but it happens all the time
L

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Hey Kerry - You have a lot of advice already. I agree with the ones who have said that he has not committed adultery and that your labeling it that is not helpful.

I think that you have a commitment to uphold. You've made a vow to love your husband for better or for worse, and love is an action, not to be confused with infatuation which never lasts.

For your own health and happiness, stop looking for the excuse to validate leaving, and start looking for the reasons you married in the first place. And do this together. Or if you can't talk it out comfortably, sit down and write another letter telling him what you love so much about him. Then ask for a letter in return.

When he's not being accused of x and asked to stop y and "I'm leaving you because of z" then he'll have reason to e-mail you, and think about you instead of fleeing to someone else's inbox. When you're focusing on who he is and what makes your relationship great, then you're not picking at the sore and causing it to hurt more than it should.

I would feel sick if my husband were e-mailing love messages with other women, but if he were just keeping up friendships in our otherwise boring life, then the focus needs to switch to my problem of jealousy.

Marriages need to be fought for! They never work unless the two involved do the fighting. Blessings on the coming work you do.

2 moms found this helpful

I am baffled at some of the responses you have gotten, so here is my opinion.

Adultry is defined as even lusting after another person. People maybe don't consider it lust unless its physical. I absolutly agree that those emails crossed some lines. If it makes you uncomfortable, and you have asked him to stop several times (which I believe is your right as him wife) and he continues, he is very much disrespecting you! You should be able to trust that when you ask your spouse to do something (reasonable) that they will do it.

The fact the there is one woman after another..after another would make me very uncomfortable! You shouldn't have to live with the feeling that you have to check up on your husband!

While I can't say for sure that the emails he was involved in were adultry, I can say that emails can become that way and go even further because of the emails that started it..

Bottom line..you should be able to trust your husband. If you can't, you both need serious couseling if you're gonna hold your marriage together.

2 moms found this helpful

Big, giant hugs to you, Kerry! I am so sorry that you are in such a painful place in your life. Like you, I tend to be conservative on how I handle the opposite gender. I am a "huggy" sort of person, but I try to be careful how I hug another man; I don't squish my body against him, etc. I do have friends that I have known for years that are male, and facebook is one of those places that makes reconnecting easy, but as you mentioned, creates moral dilemmas too.
I don't know if I would say your husband has had an all-out affair, but he is treading in some dangerous waters. The fact that he seems to get a rush out of communicating with women who find him attractive is relatively harmless at this point, but you are aware of the fact that it paves the road to more and more familiarity, AND you have brought this up to him point blank. The fact that he is still feeling compelled to go down this road is troubling to me.
Years ago, I read an article based on the book "Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect it" by Jerry B. Jenkins.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1581346646/ref=s9_simb_g...

The article was about the very type of issues you are mentioning. I think it would be worth reading the book together, and it sounds like your husband is in a place where he is willing to do it. Because the book was written by a man, it might come out in a way that your husband can understand it differently. The book really says the same thing you are saying, that relationships with the opposite gender must be approached very carefully when a person is married. It doesn't mean you can never ever interact with another man or woman, it just means you need to be careful and intentional about your approach.
Sorry this is so long, but I just ached for you when I read what you had written and I hope that the book can help in some way. Blessings to you and yours!

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I'm going to take your question and twist it around: let's pretend there's no such word as adultery. What are you left with? The description that you gave of your feelings makes it pretty clear that your husband's emailing is having a damaging affect on your relationship. I'm not going to tell you *HOW* you should feel, or that you should just be chill and cool with it. I understand that there will be other people who will tell you this, but the fact of the matter is that this (the emailing) is something they are comfortable with and you are not. That doesn't make anyone right or wrong for how they feel, it just IS.

That said, what do you have left? I, personally, would have taken umbrage at passages like the one you described his exwife having left. I enjoy language and am always amazed at how much people convey with the words they chose. His ex may be in the process of working out some of her emotions around their relationship. In my opinion, while that is important emotional work, she needs to be given some context as to what's appropriate.

It's also important to not decide that because one person is being a bit too personal that ALL women are engaging this way with your husband. There has to be some distinction between what's safe and healthy for the relationship and what isn't. All or nothing ultimatums tend to cause frustration for both parties involved, because both, at some point, feels like they've got their back against the wall and creates imbalance in the relationship.(one person or the other has all the power)

As nearly everyone has stated, it's worth working on in couples counseling, as well as individual counseling. Sometimes, when one person is continually hurt by the other in a relationship, and esp. when deception is practiced (trying to delete emails so as not to get caught...instead of not emailing at all and putting an end to it), finding out what's *really* going on in a therapeutic situation is very useful. Oftentimes, couples will focus on something like this because it is very apparent and easier/safer to focus on than other more subtle and complicated aspects of marriage. And it would be good for HIM to find out what's going on with himself, and why, and to receive some support in figuring out where to go from here. Perhaps he needs to find a way to feel okay with having better boundaries, perhaps he's got some latent risk-taking behaviors that are surfacing because he's stressed with five kids. Having that "impartial third party" really helps. Likewise for you, too.

One more thing: if you have been through your own therapeutic work, chances are your intuition is pretty good. At some point, when we have a chance to work through our old stuff and those triggers, we get better at reading situations for what they really are.

So, don't worry about how to define it, get some help. If you are crying, in tears, asking him not to do something and he's still doing it, then there's something amiss. I'm not saying it's him or you--chances are, there's some a part of both of you in this. Relationships are tricky things. My very best to you and your family.

2 moms found this helpful

I have male friends with whom I chat about enthusiasms that my husband doesn't share. And he does the same with friends of his, both male and female. We are both devoted to our marriage. I think both of us would chafe, though, if we had to give up outside friendships to keep each other happy.

Of course a spouse can become so engaged in other people and activities that he neglects his mate, and I make sure that my husb knows how special he is to me. And of course there are lines of intimacy I don't cross with my friends, because I wouldn't want them to mistake my intentions. While it would be hard for me to define "inappropriate," I know it when I hear it. Your upset suggests that you have heard it, or at least think you have.

But it will probably be healthier not to label your husband's behavior as adulterous, because labels and definitions (especially if exaggerated or mistaken) make us less able to admit new evidence or observations that might modify our understanding of the situation.

Your husband's relationships with other women are obviously difficult for you. You're suffering pangs of jealousy, hurt and anger. You wonder why he can't understand why you feel this way. When he continues with the pattern that worries you, you interpret disrespect – and respect is pretty essential to most marriages.

It's entirely possible that your husband is also wishing you understood him better, admired him more, gave him more of your attention. When you do the Work, can you find that? This could be fruitful territory to explore together, maybe in counseling. Even if it doesn't save your marriage, it could make your parting gentler for all concerned.

Ending a marriage might seem like the easiest solution when we're really upset. But divorce is usually really hard, messy, and expensive. So before calling it quits, contemplate this possibility: Most of our definitions, terms, and concepts about marriage and family are within a pretty narrow range of norms and conventions. There may be a perception of safety and security packaged in this bundle of shoulds and oughts, but the constraints may be too tight and wring too much of the juice out of life and love. And so the relationship may eventually become strangled by the very rules that are there to protect it. The security fades with it (so was the security ever really real?). What if a change in thinking would mean we didn't have to play it out that way?

Byron Katie's Work (which is my work, too) is intended to help us live with more freedom and less pain. Your thinking now is that at least some of your emotional needs are not being met by your husband's behavior. Could be true; sounds like it's true. And of course there are the turnarounds: what emotional needs of your husband's are not being met? What needs of your own are you not meeting? And really, is it true that human beings, even married ones, are obligated to keep each other happy?

I don't think that's possible, and I've been learning to avoid people who insist that I should make them happy. I pay attention to meeting my own needs and wishes in the healthiest ways I can. As my husband does the same. We succeed, we fail, we grow, we keep learning, we're getting better at it, mostly. Sometimes we forget, and we disappoint each other and ourselves. This is the human predicament.

I feel tender toward your struggle, Kerry – I lived in a similar situation for years in my first marriage. I have never regretted leaving that marriage, so I'm not counseling you to stay at any cost. I hope you find a resolution that works.

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ohh, Kerry ...

:(.

It's statistical fact that most American men who have had an (physical) affair (70% is the number I've seen tossed around the most), it's because the man is trying to gain/regain emotional intimacy. No kidding, I've read it from men's magazines, women's magazines, conservative and open-sex. Translated to: the physical act is the end, undeniable "adultery," but the choices a man is making that lead to that are really all part of the same cloth. Unfortunately, our society encourages the falsehood that "nothing is *really* happening unless there's physicality"--well, by then, actually, everything has already happened and the physicality is just the confirmation.

And it sounds like your guy is walking right down that path, including the denial of his own responsibility and the path he is at minimum exploring, if not choosing outright.

Good for you for seeking all the ways you might have been/be responsible for this behavior/desire reflecting back at you. One thing that really helped me, looking back over the falling apart of my marriage, was to not only see how precisely we mirrored each other within the relationship (good and bad of course), but how, once he started to make the choice to pull out of the relationship, his choices more and more did *not* reflect me/my choices ... and most of his ugliest choices were in fact his response to his own psychological projections (what he instinctually 'needed' to believe I was like).

I can't advise you to leave or not leave. Your children will be very damaged by a split ... but they would presumably be very damaged living with a lie ... it sounds like you have given it reasonable chances ... unless he bucks up and does his own set of self-examination, there's only so much you *can* do: it takes two people to be married but only one person to end it, whether through negligence or outright action.

God bless you, your children, and your husband ... may you be guided to the best and most healing path.

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A marriage is not something that should be dissolved so quickly/easily. You guys should do everything possible to work it out first. Telling him how you feel is the first step, but it is not working on it together.

I went through this with my husband, but BEFORE we were married, in the very, very beginning of our relationship. I had major trust issues due to past boyfriends/experiences in my life. He had an ex who wanted to visit him and would send him inappropriate e-mails that talked about how she imagined them dancing together, etc. She hadn't quite made it past the fact that a year earlier they had explored the idea of rekindling things and my now husband decided that she wasn't right for him and he wanted to pursue a relationship with me instead.

I made it clear to him that I was very uncomfortable with this. I told him that I was very uncomfortable with him e-mailing her altogether, but only because she made it very obvious that her "friendship" with him had ulterior motives. I cried many tears, there were many long conversations about it. My husband never, ever reciprocated her flirtations or recollections of the past, but he never discouraged it, either. I wanted him to discourage it. I told him that I would be comfortable with him being friends with her if she had not tried to tempt him away from me, but because she had done that, I couldn't trust her to have a pure friendship with him.

He was very good about proving his trust to me, but at the same time, he was very resistant to purposely ending a friendship. He didn't do this because he treasured her as a friend, but because as a model of living, he tries to be there for people. He also is not at all confrontational, so it was very hard for him to create awkwardness.

In the end, she wrote another inappropriate e-mail and I asked my then boyfriend/now husband to do what he should have done from the beginning - to tell her to stop e-mailing him those kinds of e-mails, etc.

He thought about it for a couple days.

He came up to me, hugged me, and told me that I was right all along and that she was being inappropriate. He then wrote her an e-mail saying that her e-mail content was inappropriate and that he was engaged now and that this had to mean goodbye if she continued to write those kinds of things in her e-mail. Needless to say, he has never heard from her again. I guess she wasn't that interested in a friendship :p

Your husband needs to earn your trust, but at the same time, you need to make an effort to be vulnerable and do everything you can to save your marriage, instead of just ditching and escaping. My then-boyfriend and I worked on my trust issues, and he did everything possible to gain my trust. As a result, we are more happily married than I can even express, and I am a truly blessed woman. I no longer have trust issues at all, and I know for a fact that he loves me more than anything and anyone.

He needs to step up to the plate and respect your wishes. He needs to prove to you that you matter more to him than these acquaintances/flames from the past. He sounds like an attention ho, to be honest. But if he knows what's important to him, he will fight for you and try to love you more than he loves himself. I have a feeling that he doesn't interact with these women because he's interested in them, but more because he likes the attention and is an inbred flirt.

You should try to work on this together by being honest, but not being manipulative, and by, unfortunately, risking your heart to save the marriage instead of protecting it by leaving.

I truly hope this helps. Good luck.

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Hi Kerry,

I know many have already said this, but I agree that you two should see a counselor to help you through this. When my husband and I were reading this question, he said, "I think she's asking the wrong question." It doesn't really matter if it's adultery or not; it's making you uncomfortable and it's a violation of trust. There must be an underlying problem for him somewhere if he feels the need to pursue these friendships that make you uncomfortable and insecure. There also seems to be something going on for you in that you are ready to end the marriage over this, when it seems that the two of you haven't started to really work through it. I hope that you can find a therapist/counselor to help you through this, as it seems like you have many positive things to keep you in this relationship.

Sending you warm thoughts,
L.

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Kerry,
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't think it comes down to how do you define adultery, but more of how do you take care of your marriage and what behaviors are acceptable. Any relationship with a person- who is not your spouse- that causes harm to your intimacy is a problem, and right now his behavior is very much causing problems.
If you really don't wish to be married to this person, then there isn't much more anyone can say or do. But if you want to work with your husband to repair the trust issues, you both need open, honest communication, a willingness to save the marriage and a good marriage therapist.
Blessings to you.

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I wouldn't call e-mailing adultery, but I definately think his e-mailing other women is a breach of trust in your relationship. You have approached him every time and I think you have done exactly what you should have. He clearly has some respect issues, and maybe wasn't ready to settle down into another marriage. Have you tried counseling together, or just you? If he is being told by a "professional" that his behavior is unacceptable for a married man, maybe he will get it, then you can ask him to make a decision. I am sorry, how frustrating! Hang in there, you know what needs to be done. Take some time to think/pray about it, and trust your gut. Good luck to you!

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I don't know how long you have known each other but you say you have been married for two years and that isn't very long. I think you may be irritated because you don't have a history together. I used to get a bit jealous of my husband and his ex (we were dating at the time), it always seemed they had a lot more to talk about because they had a ten year history together and we only had a couple of months. Deep down I knew he didn't want her back but I was still jealous. I didn't keep in touch with my friends from high school so didn't have that kind of connection with anyone but family and they just don't count. Anyway as time progressed I got over it and we now have our own history (been married 13 years). I am also in contact with a few friends from high school and it is fun to not have to explain who people are or where places are when we talk about old times. I am now on face book as well and it is fun to look at how people have changed over the years, I have been out of school 22 years. DO you have a facebook page too to be seeing how any of your old classmates are doing? I am not defending his behavior, he sounds like he has crossed a line especially since you are so irritated about it, but I just wonder if he is one of those people who really liked his high school years and wishes he could go back and relive it some? I personally am not that kind of person and I think of those people as a bit immature sometimes but that is just me. This is the second marraige for both of you and you won't have that comfort/connection/history until time passes, but you have to give it a chance to pass. Until then (and after) make sure you keep talking to each other, he is trying to include you maybe to speed that process up a bit. I don't know. Good luck.

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I really don't have much to say about whether it is adultry or not. But one thing I did want to comment on is that if you keep pushing him about "adultery" and he is defensive - one of these times he may actually commit adultery in real life. I saw one of my boyfriends from HS - under unfortunate situation (funeral), but I went to the event to see him and share my sympathy and such. When I went to leave we hugged and he told me that I had a very special place in his heart and I told him that I loved him and he told me he loved me back. I felt like I was 15 again. We both are married with children with our own lives and families. It's not like we are going to act on what we felt back 15 years ago.....anyway - I went home and told my husband about it. No big deal.
You need to have the trust in your relationship. Without it - you have nothing. Has your husband ever did anything to cause mis-trust? Have you been cheated on before? What exactly is causing this insecurity of your marriage? Many of my friends whom have been accused of cheating and such - usually end up cheating in the end because if you keep getting accused of something when your not - you finally say forget - might as well do what I have been accused of. Not to say that you are cheating, but sometimes the accusor is the one who is cheating or commiting adultery.
I do understand the "vibe" about another woman talking to your "man". We as women get possesive at times. It's natural.
Good luck.
Anyway - I just had to put my two cents. Good luck - I hope for the best.

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Hi Kerry. We are in the same boat just I'm your husband and you're my husband. He doesn't like me on facebook. We are getting divorced over it actually. I have lots of guy friends. He hates it. He says he doesn't but he does and gets very jealous. He too printed off whatever he could find. I wasn't doing anything with any of the guys. Just talking. They are old boyfriends or friends from high school and junior high 20 years ago. I am shaking emailing this to you and I don't know why. He filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. He won't talk to me. He is using our three year old. He's trying to get full custody. Its a huge mess. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is talk to him. He'll delete facebook or whatever you want him to do. I think he's like me. He likes the attention (give him LOTS of attention!!) more than just sex. tell him he's handsome and hot and you know, stuff (is he a cancer by the way?) send dirty texts to him..just spice it up maybe..Not sure..I don't think its adultery..just female attention..Good luck sweetie. J.

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I think that before you take the steps toward ending your marriage, you should see a counselor first. He may never change, and you may have to take the inevitable step of divorce, but I think for your sake and the children involved you should make every effort toward saving your marriage.

You deserve this. Your children deserve this. His children deserve this. And may even he will discover that he needs to change his behavior to deserve you.

The be of everything good thing is what you deserve! Good luck.

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There's adultery, which does involve physical sexual interaction, then there's alienation of affection and that sounds more like what's happening here. You don't say if your husband communicates with any of his old time 'guy' friends, the guys he went to high school with. Honestly, it mainly the women who do all the planning for reunions, etc. and they do the contacting of fellow classmates. If your husband had 'relationships' with any of his classmates, they might converse about the 'good old' days and I have no doubt that makes you uncomfortable, it would make me very ill at ease if I were to read those letters.

You've had the discussion with him about how this activity makes you feel. He's tried to curtail his e-mail activities. Why not suggest that he send you the e-mails, that you become his e-mail buddy? It would add another dimension to your relationship that for some reason he needs. Maybe it's the excitement, the notion of the forbidden because he's doing it as work. Sounds like he's a thrill seeker. You say this marriage is a second one for each of you. Do you know what the cause of his divorce was? Was he 'cheating' on his first wife? And as far as his first wife goes, she will always be a part of his life and they obviously shared some good times as they have 2 teenaged kids... they have that history and for whatever reason he or she need to revisit it occassionally. You say you've been in therapy, sounds like 'you', the both of you need to see a therapist. Is this activity a marriage breaker? Well, it could be if it causes you to doubt his every move, to question where he is and what he's doing.. but realize that your reaction is just as deadly to this relationship as is his e-mailing. He may do it to see what kind of a reaction you're going to have. Again, I think he likes living life on the edge and that would scare the heck out of me. See a therapist together. If you truly love and respect each other you'll do what's necessary to make the marriage work. If not, you'll go your separate ways and will be great friends. I'm willing to bet this guy had a roving eye and mind before you married him and will continue to have one no matter what he promises. It's his nature, his personality.

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I didn't get a chance to read everyone's responses, so I hope I'm not just parroting anyone else out there. While what your husband is doing may not technically be "adultery" in the legal sense of the word, it is a form of betrayal if you have asked him to stop and have expressed your feelings about the issue and he continues to do what he has said he won't. However, there is help out there. I would suggest you check out the website www.marriageteam.org. It is a nonprofit organization that hooks up couples in troubled marriages or who just want to improve their already good marriage with "coach" couples. These are not counselors, but they teach you communication tools to use so when you are done with the 8-12 week sessions, you are equipped to handle your own issues with your husband as a team! The analogy is that you and your husband were raised in different homes with different "plays" on different teams. Now you've come together to form a new team, but you are each using your old playbooks and that can cause problems. Coaches help you learn how to come up with new plays that work for the both of you. (The counselors I've been to don't equip you, they listen and then dish out their own advice, always leaving you the same as when you started!) My husband and I have been through coaching and now are coaching others...it's amazing what can happen when both people are willing to commit to a lifetime relationship and support one another. It sounds like your husband does love you and doesn't want to hurt you, but this email thing is like an addiction...maybe a way for him to get something he feels he is missing (through no fault of your own!). Check out MarriageTeam, at least before you throw in the towel on this marriage. It might be the best thing that ever happened to you! I'll be praying for you guys.

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Oh, honey - I'm so sorry--- with a big family of kids 'holding their breath' - it must feel so awful to say to yourself- ''this is somewhere I WILL NOT BE''. You are absolutely right- ''''keeping yourself only to her''' means verbal intimacy is out -- friendship is fine- intimacy is out - and his conversations and situations sound very intimate --- to me -- in my opinion he is not being faithful. You and he need to ( if you can stay together) come to some agreement that you can both live with- am I optimistic??? nope -- do I hope that more sorrow is not waiting for you ??? Oh I certainly do -- be faithful to yourself dear heart- and faithful to your children-- all of 'em -- biological and otherwise- if they see you as a parent - they are yours.

I pray for all of you
Old Mom-- aka--J.

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I don't know what others have said, but it sounds like you need to be in counseling together. Right now, you're making the demands and he's having to go along with them even though it's clearly not exactly what he wants. Where is his voice in this? I don't agree with some of the content of his e-mails and do agree that there's a boundry even in e-mail especially with former interests. That being said, my husband and I are both still in loose contact with former flames. We have a very happy and healthy marriage as well.

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This is a tough one and I can feel that you are in pain. However, you are in a marriage, and there are children involved, so I can't just advise you to ditch him.

It's possible that you are being "too sensitive", but your feelings are nonetheless valid. You are not making things up out of whole cloth. He is choosing to commit actions that he knows are upsetting you.

His actions are belying his words. If he doesn't want you to feel badly, then why does he continue the actions? If the emails are not significant, then why is he compelled to keep emailing every day, multiple times a day, to woman after woman?

He has promised to stop, but then he doesn't.

He knows that you are upset by this and yet he has upped the ante: this time, it's a woman who wanted to sleep with him, tried to get him to take dancing lessons (wanted physical contact) and RUNS A MASSAGE CLINIC.

Apparently he feels that as long as he reports back what's going on, you shouldn't be worried. But it's also possible that he's using the "being aboveboard and honest" tack as cover for the fun of making you squirm, keeping you off balance, and controlling you.

I'd rather assume honest motives. But either way, I must recommend counselling for the pair of you. There is a trust breakdown that must be attended to.

If something I wanted to do - even really loved to do - was making my spouse so unhappy, I'd stop doing it. Not because I'm a wimp or he's a terror, but because I love him and respect him and don't want him to be in pain. I want there to be trust between us.

Hi Kerry,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your instincts that this is wrong are very correct. This is emotional adultery your husband is dabbling in, and will almost surely lead to physical adultery if he doesn't stop no matter what he says. The lack of seriousness with which he takes your feelings and his willingness to endanger his marriage over this (despite his love for you) should be a real wake-up call to him that shows that he is already getting to the point where this dabbling with danger is out of his own control. It's like an alcoholic--they say they will stop, but they don't. When I say it is out of his control I don't mean he can't go for help or be able to change--but he first has to admit to himself that he definitely has a problem he needs help with. So far he seems to think it is your problem. Do all you can to encourage him to get good counseling and go with him. Someone gave you some good advice for Christian counseling and I would echo it. The trust needs to be re-established and the behavior has to change in him. You need healing. Your marriage is worth fighting for if he will face up to this. You seem to be doing all the right things on your part, but give counseling a chance, especially since he has not yet gone on to physical adultery.

I've been happily married 40 years and I hope you and your husband will be able to say that one day. May God give you wisdom and strength.

L.

I totally understand!! Your hubby is getting a "rise" out of the illicitness (his comment about getting caught at work) of his relationships with these other women. He also gets a "charge" out of telling you all about it. He may not see it that way. He probably figures he's telling you about it, so that makes it okay -- he's not hiding anything. He doesn't seem to "get" that this behavior hurts you. It erodes your trust. You don't know where he will draw the line. Once started down the slippery slope of intimacy -- emotional or otherwise -- where does one put on the brakes? That intimacy is for you alone.

Counseling together with a qualified counselor is highly recommended! The book "Hedges" by Jerry Jenkins helped us immensely before we were married. It helped us establish appropriate boundaries.

Even if your husband doesn't fully understand "why" this is not okay with you, he needs to respect that it is hurtful to you and stop.

There is hope!! Keep fighting for your marriage, and keep your healthy boundaries!!

I'm praying for you!!

Yes, I think there is such a thing as emotional adultery, and this is what happens with email. A friend recently filed for divorce because her husband rediscovered a middle school girlfriend on Facebook, emailed for several months, then took it so far as to meet her at a hotel in her town, hundreds of miles away from his, where they started a physical relationship.

My own ex-husband began an email and text message relationship with the secretary of a business associate at another company, and he ended up doing anything he could to make sure he traveled to this company on business as often as possible, even though it was on the other side of the country. He swore it never went beyond an emotional affair, but my trust in him was gone once I found a text message telling him how much she missed him and couldn't wait for his next trip.

You two need to get on the same page about what is cheating, even if it takes counseling to do so.

Hi Kerry... I agree with Zoe who said...

...He's NOT sleeping with these women, having affairs, etc. But he IS hurting you, which is completely valid. By labeling it adultery, though, you're actually invalidating your argument; you're accusing him of something that he's not doing. I suspect that since the mere IDEA that he MIGHT cheat on you makes you feel this badly...

My experience is that my husband is someone who tends to have more female friends than male friends. Does this bother me? No, because I trust him. He is not the kind of guy who likes to hang out with other guys and watch football or other sports (actually, the fact that he doesn't watch sports is something I really appreciate about him!) He prefers conversations about a wide variety of subjects, and I think he just finds more women who talk about things that are interesting to him (although he does have some male friends.)

If I was insecure about our relationship, this might bother me. I do like to meet the women he's friends with (who have primarily been co-workers), and on 1-2 occasions, when I felt that a woman had intentions for more than friendship with him, I told him that I felt that way, and he honored my intuition by limiting his friendship with them. The flip side to those women is that I've met several of my closest girlfriends through my husband! These were women who he worked with, became friends with, and thought that I would like so he introduced us. I would have missed out on some wonderful friendships if I had not trusted my husband enough to encourage his friendship with these women.

My husband has recently reconnected with some old girlfriends through Facebook, and while I admit to having an occasional jealous thought in my mind, I trust him, and know that he's not doing anything to disrespect our relationship, and certainly nothing close to adultery. And I have also reconnected with old boyfriends via email or Facebook and my husband knows me well enough to know that it's nothing threatening to our relationship. (And for the record, my husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years.)

Anyway, all of this is a long-winded way of saying that it's all about trust... clearly you don't trust your husband. If that is indeed so, you need to try to figure out whether the lack of trust is because he is not trustworthy, or whether there's something in you that is preventing you from trusting him to be "just friends" over email with other women.

If it's the latter, I think it would be good to seek marriage counseling in the hope that your husband will understand that it makes you feel uncomfortable and upset when he emails other women. If he truly understands and accepts that, perhaps he'll choose to stop emailing. Or maybe through marital counseling, you'll be able to come to trust your husband's actions. But it's the former (that he's basically untrustworthy, and is indeed seeking these other women out because of some lack in your relationship), then perhaps divorce may be the best answer. But either way, it sounds like joint counseling would be a good thing.

Best of luck to you...

In my opinion, I see a lot of value in Cheryl H's advice. This is small. As long as you and your husband can talk to, respect, and trust one another you're ok. It's clear that you love him very deeply and it seems he loves you too. My advice is to continue to calmly talk things through and not to break up a loving family because you suspect something might happen.
Good luck.

I would consider this to be on the border of emotional adultry. My husband was married before and they have an 11 year old. I would feel the same way if he started to email his ex about things that are not kid related. Have you asked him how he would feel if these emails came from a man to you and you talked to him about it? (Just FYI I am NOT tellign you to do this!!) HE seems to not be sensitive to the fact that you are uncomfortable with this. In the begining of my relationship with my husband we found that neither one of us was comfortable with the other having close friends of the opposite sex. So for example I have a male coworker that I get along with very well but the only time we talked outside of work is when both of our spouses were present but over the last 4 years my husband has also become friends with him. After so much time if my coworker and I go to lunch it is not a problem but I knew in the begining it would have been so I made sure to not go to lunch with him alone. Sounds silly but that was the deal we made! I also grew up in a household that a preception can become the truth. I know I am rambling but knowing where the line is should be the first step and if both of you cannot agree to not cross it then I would seek help for myself to see if I could stay in the marraiage. He has to respect your bondaries or both of you are going to be misreable. Good luck to both of you and I hope you can work this out as you sound like you really love your husband...

I read your question in detail; I scanned about half the responses. I would say first off, I rather agree with Zoe.

It doesn't sound like adultery, but it does sound like he's getting a kick out it. However, the solution isn't just to get out of the marriage, and defining adultery as an excuse. My definition of adultery would vary depending on circumstances. If my husband were getting emotionally involved to the point where he were planning on actual, physical adultery, then maybe I would call it that; but since adultery is the only valid reason for divorce in my mind (because that's the only Biblical excuse for it), then I think I would be very careful what I defined as adultery, because then I'd be single and would have to start over.

The fact that you still have sex a lot should be an encouragement. Guys who are moving their emotional attachment from their wife to another woman usually stop having sex long before the full-blown affair starts. I wish we could have it every day... maybe when my youngest is 5... ;)

If you're not a Christian, you might not want to try the following idea. But if you are, I would suggest you look into Empowered Living Ministries (www.empoweredlivingministries.org). The couple that founded the ministry (who happen to be dear friends of mine) have been helping families for years. I just heard him tell a story about a couple that was WAY worse off than you--I mean, it had gotten so bad that the wife left and her lawyer told the guy that he either had to talk to the people at the ministry or sign the divorce papers! And today they are not just married, but very much in love. The people at the ministry have been helping families for years. If you do talk to them, tell them L. in Oregon sent you.

Perhaps it would be better to stick with the terms "inappropriate" and "unacceptable." That's enough, isn't it? The word "adultery" can prompt extreme defensiveness and not be helpful.

I think there's some sick mind games going on. It's weird. He's engaging in totally inappropriate communications with other women -- AND he's telling you about it. Why? To drive you crazy?

Just to give you some perspective, my husband doesn't HAVE any women friends, besides me, and neither to any of my women friends' husbands. They have GUY friends, and they have casual friendships with their GUY FRIEND'S wives, but they are not really directly friends with women. What your husband is doing is very weird. He SHOULD be embarrassed.

Maybe it's a self-image problem. He is seeking affirmation. He deep down feels bad about himself, no guy wants to be friends with him, so he keeps moving on from woman to woman seeking that thrill of "someone loves me."

I think you have a perfect right to say, "I don't want you cultivating friendships with other women. I want you to stop." If he doesn't, I would take that as a mark of respect, although maybe in reality it's just a sign that his compulsion is so strong he CAN'T stop.

I don't want you to think you are making a big deal out of nothing. I think you are right. On the other hand, maybe you shouldn't immediately divorce. Maybe patience is needed, not giving in, but being really consistent with your message, repeating over and over that you do not want him .... it compromises the intimacy of your marriage -- if you talk that way, you don't have to use the heavy word "adultery" -- even if it is.

This is wrong, you are correct that it is adultery. Anytime that you are having a very personal conversation with someone other than your spouse it is wrong.

This is not your fault or problem, this is something wrong with your husband. He can't be that young with two teenagers. It sounds like you have a good marriage, but he is in some kind of rut. Why did he get divorced the first time? Did he need extra attention?

It sounds like he needs extra attention, something you can't give him. Is it his self esteem? Everyone likes to feel attractive to others, but when it goes beyond a glance or a few words it is wrong. Email is like exchanging phone numbers and how would he feel about you having a relationshiop with someone else?

You have a lot on your plate and you are doing everything to keep your marriage alive, what effort is he making? Sounds like he needs to get some personal therapy to find out why he needs to have these female friends.

Good luck.

While I do not consider what he is doing to be adultery it is awfully flirtatious and could lead to something. What makes him pick three different women in a short period of time to e-mail intimate things with.

How long have you been with him? Not every fish in the sea is edible. Starfish pretty as they are are inedible.

This is a good question I would seek a marriage counselor on this???

Though he may not be having sex with other women, he is certainly getting a kick out of writing to them and having borderline conversations.

I agree with Linda L. that you need to fight for your marriage. See if he will go to counseling with you. If he really does love you and wants your marriage to be strong, he will make the effort. Giving ultimatims is not the best way to work on the problem.

Work hard to get this taken care of. Most men hate emotional women (I know my hubby hates it when I get all emotional) as that is not how they work, so when you talk to him, stay as calm as you can and explain how you feel about this when he does things like this. Tell him you appreciate him being open about what he does, but that this behavior is not appropriate in your view.

God bless you and hopefully you hubby will go to counseling with you to work on this.

Since he's being so open with you, I doubt anything has gone beyond just email at this point. But I have a family member who is going through a similar situation. One spouse started out "just" emailing, and over time it turned into something much worse. If you love your husband, perhaps you should suggest that he try counseling to understand why he feels the need to connect with other women via email. But if you really feel you can't be married to him (which is completely understandable), you need to put yourself first and do what will make you happy in the long run. Just be sure you've given yourself plenty of time to think it all through and that you aren't acting out of immediate anger or hurt.

Personally I think its adulterous behavior and if not stopped will lead to hurt, fights and untrustworthy situations.
I went through this, and since I wouldnt put up with it..we were constantly fighting over it....He abandoned us (my 2 kids and me) to be able to live the life with some lady he met online in a chatroom. So serioulsy sit down and have a talk with him, explain it without getting dramatic, and Hopefully he will see what its doing to you and stop. Best of luck to you and your family!!!