How to Help 4 Yr Old Through Our Family Move Out of State?

We moved for the same reasons when my daughter was 3. It's been almost 3 years, and she still talks about her home in Texas and how she wants to visit all her friends. We did the same thing, talk about the positives of being near family. We also let her talk about Texas and what she missed and we told her that we missed Texas too, but it's nice to be near family. We also told her that someday we will visit, although that is not likely any time soon, she seems comforted by the idea of one day being able to go back. It was bad in the beginning, but it did get better.

I'm a military brat. I moved every few years...

She's allowed to have her feelings. Let her grieve her loss of her 'home'. It's good. You don't need to feel bad about it. You need to stay positive and NOT fall into her "trap" (for lack of better words). Kids know how to do that - make their parents feel bad. But guess what? You don't have to give her that power....

YOU need to be positive about this move...excited about it too!! She can and will pick up any sadness from you as well...

When I was a kid - my mom and dad would listen to all 3 of us about what we missed - then they would acknowledge our feelings and say at LEAST 3 things positive about our new base. It didn't last long...we ended up finding things to be positive about in our new place too!!

You can tell her things like this - ONLY if it's true....

I know, sweetie...we will make a new home...you'll get to pick your paint color and help us find our new home.

Get her involved in things....don't let her dwell on it!

Good luck!

Just let her have her feelings. She's going to mourn a bit, and that's okay. Don't answer everything she says with "But our new house is so nice....but you have your new room....but we're close to grandma." Because every "but" is saying "your feelings don't mean anything."

When she says she misses her old house, respond with empathy. "I know you do. Your face looks sad." And listen. Let her say what she misses. Nod and give her a listening face. Look her in the eye. Give in to wishing a little. "I wish we could put our old house on a truck and put it right here. That would take a BIG truck!" "I wish we could pack up all our friends and bring them here in our own airplane! Hm. I don't think an airplane will fit in the yard." Hug her. Let her know that you miss the house too, and the people you left behind. It's okay to miss them, and over time she'll come to love her new home and the people there just as much.

I suggest reading the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk." You'll find tools there that will help you in "hearing" your child and helping her through pretty much anything. It's an excellent read.

We moved at the end of August when our daughter was 4 (now she's 5) and she has had a hard time with the move. But it has been almost 5 months now and I see a real improvement. She is now happier and does not talk about missing her home and her friends all the time. I can't believe it took so long - I always thought kids this age lived in the moment! She is finally enjoying her new preschool although she has not really clicked with other kids despite me setting up play dates. She is in 2 activities that she LOVES and that she looks forward to - a dance class and an ice skating class. I take her swimming every week also. We meet up with a preschool friend. I think it just takes time. It is hard...and heartbreaking to see your little one feeling so sad. So - acknowledge her feelings, get her into something she enjoys, find things to love about your new home and just give it time.

It's a big change that she does not understand.

If you have any of her favorite blankets or toys nearby let her play with them. If you have a phone number of a friend of hers set up a time that she can talk to the other person.

Hopefully your home will sell quickly and you will be able to find a new forever home for her and she will settle down. Grandma's house is cool but it is not hers and she does not feel like she fits in there. Her cousins are okay but they are not her friends and she does not know them well. Don't force the cousins on her or anything like that.

I have had this experience with my husband being military. We moved from Arizona to Quebec when my son was about your daughter's age. He didn't feel like it was his place either. I showed him all of his toys and his bedding were there. Our dog did not come because it was a long trip, me being pregnant and not knowing how much space. My neighbor's brother took the dog.

Don't feel bad just know that this is part of growing up. Look at it as every place your live is a new chapter in a your life book. Make the best of it. Draw pictures and go to museums and such in your new town. Get familiar with what is there to do and go from there.

In about six months all will be well. Remember the only thing constant in life is change. Embrace it with a positive attitude.

the other S.

Christy Lee has some great suggestions.

Don't expect Grandma to fill the needs of her friendships. She knows that Grandma's house is where she VISITS, not where she lives. So right now she doesn't have a place to live.

Have you done anything to get her in activities? Is there a preschool, a YMCA, a public library with story time and puppet shows, an indoor play space (not just McDonald's which she had in your old neighborhood, but something unique to the new town), a Lego store or doll or bear-making store that you didn't have in the old neighborhood? Anything that is new and exciting is good, but I'd especially look at places she can make some friends (even if just friends for the day) that lets her know that her life is not wrapped up with cousins. Don't end these experiences with, "Well, see, there are fun things here so maybe you don't miss the old friends anymore" but "Gee, that was fun!" So, yes, hear her out, but then stop talking AT her and get her involved in something that is just for her. School would be great because there is a routine, but even a weekly program would be better than just relatives.

Give her hugs, rub her back, and say, "Yes, it's sad that you had to leave your room/home/neighbors/classmates," etc., -- whatever it is she is feeling at the time. Then after a little bit of this, change the subject and do something fun with her. Mirroring her emotions is much more effective than trying to convince her of all the good things about her new location.

We moved to a new home and city when my daughter was 8. For a few months, she cried occasionally, and spent time with the school counselor. (I need to locate that guy someday and tell him how helpful he was to my daughter.)

Fast forward to my daughter as a young adult -- she is so happy that we moved and that she got to grow up in our current location, vs. the old one, even though the old one had some nice perks. In addition, surviving the emotional "trauma" of the move made her a stronger and more resilient person, one who loves to travel and seek adventure.

Your daughter is only 4, she will ultimately be fine. Excellent advice from Christy.

Hit the local library - they probably have books for kiddos on this kind of thing.