Mad at Uninvolved Family (Vent)

the difference is that grandparents of the past did not work. the husband worked and the mother stayed at home. At 60 they retired. But for the first time in history grandparents are caught up in a crunch. they sometimes still have children at home, they both work and they are caring for not only their children but also for their own parents. I know that I am in that crunch right now. My youngest son is still in high school my daughter got married and had children young and my mother is 68 and needs help a lot. I love my grandchildren but I am tired. all the time. I work, I take care of my husband and son, have 2 children in college volunteer at church and I am sorry that it seems uncaring but if anyone has a date night I would like it to be me and my husband because contrary to my daughter and sons beliefs we are not to old for a nice night of romance. we don't sit at home and wonder "what can we do for the grand kids today" we are still wondering what we can do with the youngest child of our own. It doesn't make us selfish to not want to be involved with every aspect of our children's children. I do not want to spend every Saturday morning sitting in freezing cold rain to watch my grandson kick a soccer ball for a total of 12 minutes and I don't want to sit every week night watching baseball. I love to watch my grankids do these things. But when it is convenient for me and yes I will put it in the calendar that it is happening But don't plan me for every weekend. Turns out I might want to stay in bed and have sex with my husband. Again doesn't' make me a bad grandmother. I am not a built in babysitter so that my daughter can have every weekend free. I am not a built in daycare so that my kids don't have to pay daycare. I have worked my whole life to give MY kids the things I wanted them to have. It is those same kids turns to do that for THEIR OWN children. That does not make me a bad and or selfish person.
ok off my soapbox now.

12 moms found this helpful

I can sort of relate to you...we don't have family very close and my husband's parents are both deceased. We have started exchanging date nights with some close friends that live near us. One night a month we get their kids (similar in age to ours) and one night a month they get ours. It's worked out great! I think some people call it a babysitting co-op, but we don't really have a formal name for it, just this need in common and not enough money to pay for a babysitter when we need a date. It's also worked out that once a week my dd will go play over there for a couple hours and they give her dinner and then vice versa the following week. Gives each couple time to get things done around the house or to go run a quick errand or get a quick bite to eat. We both also have baby boys so we don't do a weekly exchange with them yet, but the once a month date night we exchange both kids. It's really worked out great for us!

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It will be a well spent $50!

Questions:

How many children do you have?
How old are your children?
Would you say they are well behaved and listen?
How old are the grandparents?
Why won't the grandfather that does come babysit?

Suggestions:

Do a trade with some couples so you don't have to spend $$
(check with you church to see if you can find other couples)

Blessings....

PS... Have a blast on your date night!

5 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry about the grandparents not really wanting to be involved!! :(

On a side note, depending on how old your kids are (if they're old enough to listen & obey), you could try what my parents did when I was little. They didn't have money to spend to go "out" on dates, but they had a "date night" at home once a week. They sent us to our rooms early (we were allowed to all be in the same bedroom & play together, but we weren't allowed to come out except in an emergency). Then, they would hang out and watch a movie or whatever they chose to do in the living room, child-free. Not as traditionally romantic, but you can dress anything up if you put in a little effort! :)

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It's their loss. My grandparents had no interest in me growing up... it didn't affect me too much (only really when I saw other kids seeing their grandparents all the time) except when I moved to Utah (I'm from SC) because my parents moved to Utah (They're from UT). It was so awkward when I'd go over there for thanksgiving and stuff or go with my dad to visit them because I didn't have anything to say... I didn't know them and had this resentment because they weren't interested in any of their grandchildren (me, my brother, my cousins). My grandparents didn't care that they don't have a relationship with any of us. Not really advice but I can relate because I was that grandchild that wasn't paid attention to by either set of grandparents.
I would be pretty mad about your sister lol I don't like when people can take it but can't give back too.

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My boyfriends family is like that, and unfortunately they are the only family my son has in St. Louis. All of my family is in Texas. My parents would love to take him all the time, but his family is completely disinterested. It upsets me more because they LOVE his daughter from a prior relationship and have her over all the time, even for overnights. But, they also love his ex and would rather him be with her then me. Because of that stupidness, my poor son gets no real relationship with his grandparents and I have to pay 50 dollars for a babysitter too . . .

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I do hate paying ten dollars an hour for babysitting! it really adds up!
Do your parents come for holidays? Remember the kids' birhtdays?
In your previous posts you've described yourself as permissive and your daughter as always in your face wanting attention. Is it possible that is why your family doesnt want to babysit? If you want advise ... teach your children to play together without constantly expecting adult interaction. Have you taught the older child to always says please, thank you? that she says excuse me and waits until adults finish a sentence ? Dont cut out your family yet, I hope when the kids are a little older your family will start offering to help out more.
Not to imply your kids are bad, just that we raise our kids differently than our parents did. Family should offer unconditional love, but dont have to offer unconditional babysitting.

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I can definitely relate! Luckily my parents are involved on a pretty regular basis, although they rarely keep the kids so we can go on a date. Usually they just come over for visits and sometimes will invite my son to spend the night. However, my in-laws are very uninvolved. I definitely do not expect them to babysit all the time, but I do feel frustrated at times that they don't WANT to be with the kids. I think it's a tough world out there, and children need all the love and support they can get. I would LOVE a really close-knit family, but they have no desire for that. I often wonder if it's me they don't like, and that keeps them away. I've tried very hard to make them feel welcome at any time. I, too, had an awesome relationship with my grandparents and the fond memories will stay with me forever. I want that for my kids....the grandparent relationship is SO beautiful and special. I hate for them to not to experience that. It definitely makes me sad. I'm so sorry your kids are missing that. Ultimately, it's the grandparents who are missing out too.

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I totally understand my husbands brother and wife live not even 2 seconds from us and we never see them. We have invited them over for bbq's in the summer and birthdays but they are so rude when they are here and they never ask us to come over they make a better effort to hang out with friends then family. My son just had his 8th birthday and friday night was for family to celebrate my bil handed him a $20 dollar bill and sorry we are to busy to go buy you a gift oh no I'm still hot from that comment! Just go on with your life forget them they will eventually (when it to late)realize how much they missed out!

2 moms found this helpful

I completely understand where you are coming from. This is happening to me as well. His family doesnt really take an interest in my son at all. They live less than a half hour a way and they never come over. They only call when they want something, or need my hubby to do something for them. And when we do go over there they dont act like they care that we came over, and like its no big deal. They leave me alone while they go do other things instead of sitting and talking to me. Its so rude. They dont even play with my son or act like they are happy to see him. The thing that sucks is that my husbands brother who lives with his parents, had twins that are the same age as my son, they are four days apart, and his parents spoil those kids like crazy and act like they are the only grandchildren. It makes me so sad cause grandparents are supposed to be there when you need them, and be a big part of their lives, and they dont act like they care he's alive sometimes. Makes me so sad. My parents love my son and ask to see him a lot but they live over an hour away so its hard to see them sometimes. I wish his parents would take more of an interest in my son. But its always all about the twins. And they always try to make them seem better than my son, like oh, the twins do this, and the twins do that, can your son? Its so frustrating, and Its hard to swallow my thoughts and comments I would love to make to them sometimes, but I dont want to make it worse. I just have to remind myself that I love my son and that is all that matters, and if they dont then they are the ones missing out, not us.

Sorry your going through this too! I feel your pain!

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Well, it's not just "nowdays" -when I was a kid, my grandparents never wanted much to do with any of us. They enjoyed our visits and their visits, but babysitting us was out of the question. My other grandmother wasn't in good enough health for anyone to be left with for any amount of time, and we didn't actually live close enough to either one for it to be a possible babysitting scenario. Before my mom died, my parents LOVED babysitting our kids, and my MIL still does, but she can't handle them both for extended periods. Most folks don't live close enough to family to depend on it, so everyone has to pay for sitters. It's a shame the grandparents are giving up this time with their grandkids, but unfortunately that's the way they are. We
often pay over $100 for a sitter -feel good if you're getting a night for $50!

Sherry also brings up a great point -my MIL still works full-time M-F, so we're really aware of that. Once in awhile she can handle a Friday night or a Sunday afternoon, but it's usually only some Saturday nights with her, and I'm grateful for that.

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I can totally relate!! My in-laws live less than a mile away and my parents (who live 800 miles away!!) see my kids more often! My MIL has never once called to say hi to my kids or asked to see them. When they do watch our kids (on rare, rare occasion) we have to take them to their house and then they give us a "curfew" of when we have to pick them up so they can go to bed early (its not like we want to stay out until after midnight, but they usually want us back by 8:30 or 9:00 if we go out to dinner). It is so hard to get them to babysit, that I don't bother anymore. We too have to pay a lot- we pay our babysitter $10/hour for 3-4 kids (depending on if my stepson is with us), so dinner always costs us at least an extra $30. It makes me sad because if my mom were in town, she would be very involved with my kids. She feels extremely cheated that she is so far away and misses sports games, school events, etc. My in-laws would never in a million years dream of coming to anything for my kids! So, you are absolutely not alone with having sucky relatives!!! HTH!

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FWIW - the uninvolved will get that back from the children if it's anything like my ex-ILs. When they were small, ex told me I was not welcome at his parent's house - ok, so be it! Only time the kids ever went there was when ex's sister came in town once a year - she'd come and get them for the day and that's the only time they'd see any of them as she'd stay the holiday weekend w/her parents. Told my kids what I was told about not being welcome (when they were older) and that when they were able to drive, they could go visit if they so chose to do such. With son, it never happened - he has zero connection with most of them tho he'd probably be polite to his aunt. I've wondered what they sometimes think now as they are getting up in years!

(and as an aside - I've stopped by ex-MIL's store w/my dgd - and she barely showed any interest there either - so, just don't do it anymore!)

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I have great memories of spending whole weekends with my grandparents, spending days over the summer...and yet I had to BEG my own mother to watch my two kids when I needed to go in to be induced with my third pregnancy. I can count on one hand the number of times my mom has watched my kids for me ( and the oldest is 15) my mom does not work and all she wants to do is run and shop...it drives me crazy and makes me sad for the kids that they do not have a better relationship with their grandparents ( we only live 45 minutes away!)

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It all comes back to the relatives in the end. My husband's family is all out of state, almost across country actually. All of my oldest 2 kids lives, they did very little to be a part of their lives. No cards, calls, or at least very few. Even holidays my daughters rarely got a card. At 2 different times we actually moved to the same town they live in, and it did nothing to help the relationship. We felt just as isolated as before, just then we lived really close by and my family was far away. (my family WANTED to be part of our lives) We even lived close to them when I gave birth to our second daughter, and they came to the hospital to see her right after she was born. We thought that might help, them being able to be there from the beginning to form a bond. (It didn't) Long story short, my oldest is almost 21, and my second daughter is going to be 18 in July. She is graduating high school in June. My husband's parents emailed about the graduation date a while back, wanting to know when it was so they could make travel plans. WHAT? They didn't come for our oldest daughter's graduation. (their OLDEST grandchild and 1st grandchild's graduation by the way) Our daughter basically said that she didn't want them to come, because they didn't know her, hadn't been there to support her throughout her school years and growing up. We only get a certain amount of tickets to her graduation, so we are letting our daughter decide who she would like to attend her graduation. It isn't anyone in my husband's family, that's for sure! What goes around comes around. We did the years of telling the kids that "they love you, they are just busy, or they forget easily" Kids figure things out as they get older. Don't worry so much. Find some good friends and create your own "family" That's the best kind of family anyway. :) I have 2 more kids to go through this with, only it's far worse. I am raising my nephew and niece, and I am trying to explain away why Mommy isn't around (the biological one I mean) and why they don't live with their other Dad. Oh boy!

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oh girl! i feel ya'! i'm not married, but my 3 member family never helps out...course that includes a dad, a stepdad, and an aunt...but nope, no assistance in babysitting, not even 1x/year!
my son's dad's side of the family, granted we live 40 miles apart (that could be the reason - lol), but they NEVER see him, much less offer or even accept babysitting for me when i ask. at least my family will come visit for an hour or so, but...of course i'm there so no break.
i'm totally w/you regarding date nights. i don't have date nights - no dates - lol! but i would like to maybe go see a movie or getta pedicure by myself, but nope not happening! the idea of paying $30-$50 PLUS the cost of whatever activity i choose to do is just realistic financially & mentally for me! that doesn't make any sense, so i just choose not to go, which is bad for mommy, and in your case, mommy & daddy! i don't have advice, but i don't think you were searching for that, but i can RELATE very well. no family support & refusing to pay so much just to go out! i always tell myself i'm not entitled to help from anyone regardless if i'm a single mom or not....but it sure would be nice! :) what happened to "it takes a village to raise a child"???? this dilemma would've never happened back in the older days! :)

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Children are great mirrors for us.... They tend to mirror back all aspects of ourselves (positive and negative) . I think it's important to realize this.. I have felt as you have with regard to my biological family whom to this day I have very little contact. At times, I have found myself wallowing in my sorrow and on the path of "why don't they want to be in contact" but then I snap out of it and accept what is...and I can't change them... IF they choose to not be involved, then so be it... There's a great book by Byron Katie called , Loving What Is. I read that book and it's really helped me get past some of my own personal issues with my biological family (and believe me, I had many issues) eventually , you do have to move on...IF you choose to stay stuck in the victim mode and believe that others are purposely hurting you, then you will continue to be stuck and too, pass that angst along to your kids. Choose to take a different path.. even if it means your family is not as involved as you would like. You can't change THEIR behavior no matter how upset you get.... therefore, you are wasting valuable time and energy ... I still get in a rut with regard to family but eventually, I pick myself up and move on... I can't waste too much time on wishing things were differently and figuring out other peoples' behavior and nor should you... again, check out that book I mentioned. It's worth a read.. also you can check out her work online called, thework..com
best of luck

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well that's just not right. families are supposed to be there for each other. It's kind of a different story for my husband and I because we live in South Korea so family can't just drop everything and come see us hahaha. My husband and I just paid for his mom to come stay with us for two months to help out with our now two kids. I wasn't supposed to have my second son til May but my water decided it wanted to break on my 1st son's birthday (go figure.) Now my kids are exactly 1 year and 1 day apart.
If it makes you feel any better my grandmother wants nothing to do with my kids. She feels she's too good to watch my kids and frankly I don't care because she's a mean person and very selfish. I just recently started to have a good relationship with my mom again seeing as we had a falling out. I made a really good friend over here in Korea, her and her family have been such a blessing because they watched my older son while I was in the hospital having my emergency C-Section. Most times I don't have to pay them because they are like family to us and we are family to them and they love our son. Other times we pay their older daughter to sit just so she can have some money. I know you are upset about having to pay $50 for a date night but sometimes that's what you have to do and trust me it might be better in the long run, at least you know your kids are being taken care of where as if you might have dropped them off with grandma she might not care and let them do things you don't want. Try to see the positives instead of the Negatives. :) Good luck and I hope you get some time to yourself soon.

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It's really too bad that they don't interact much with your kids. I have a similar situation. My parents rarely see my children and often, don't even send Christmas presents or send a card on their birthdays. I talk to my kids about this, saying that Grandma and Grandpa still love them, but that they are just a little forgetful. We do try to write them letters and call them occasionally, because I do want my kids to have some relationship with my parents. And I don't want my kids to feel like THEY did something wrong to deserve the cold shoulder.

But really, if my parents are unwilling to have a relationship, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't change them. I just pay the babysitter $50 and go out with my hubby. Anyway, sometimes it's easier to part with money than to deal with difficult family members!

I don't think kids necessarily need all their grandparents, as long as they get a lot of good attention from other family members or even special friends or neighbors. Family doesn't have to actually be family, right?

Now, your sister is another story. If you were often a babysitter for her, she should return the favor. Have you talked to her about this? Maybe you could take her out for a cup of coffee and be very honest with her. "I loved watching your kids and I'm so glad that I got to know them. I really want you to know my kids as well. Can you make some time for them?" Something like that, so that she doesn't feel attacked.

http://keystosimpleliving.com/relationships_parents.php

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I am sorry your parents and inlaws are like this! Are they really old? Are they sick? Has anything happened to decrease their health or quality of life? How far away do they live from you? If they are healthy and live close to you, they have no excuse and shame on them! Instead of paying for a sitter, can you do a babysitting swap w/ one of your friends who is also on a tight budget? If all else fails, put the kids to bed by 7:30 and have some friends come over for a game night. Hang in there!

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It's their loss. I look at it like this, there may come a day, God willing, that these grandparents end up in a hospital or nursing home, sick and lonely. They will have no family visiting them because of these choices. I also agree with the one poster who said that grandparents are not really vital. Both of my sets of grandparents were deceased when I was born. It never bothered me that I didn't have grandparents because I didn't know what it was like to have grandparents.

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It is sad but it is their loss (the grandparents) not your kids. Kids don't miss what they never had so focus on your own family. If you need a date night (and who doesn't?!) either pay a sitter or trade with another family. I understand your frustration with your sister (been there, done that) but you need to move on. Life is not fair and it never has been, I'm not being negative just realistic!
And I'm not trying to be rude, believe me, I have been there. For what it's worth I was dropped off with grandma/relatives many times over the years, but it was always so my mom could go party, not for a nice date night. I always swore if I ever had kids I would never count on anyone but myself and my husband to be responsible for them, and that's how we do it. I'm lucky to have a great MIL but she's too old to really help anymore. My own mom has no interest or desire to be a grandma, and yes, it's sad but like I said, it's her loss :(

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I think you need to let it go. I understand your frustration, but you're not going to change them.

So pay the sitter and go out and have a good time! Or befriend families in your neighborhood and trade date nights (you'll watch their kids and they'll watch yours).

My husband and I have made a really nice extended family out of our neighbors. There is an older couple next door that act as grandparents to our kids. Their kids are grown and have no grandchildren yet, so they enjoy it. We do things for them too. If we need someone to watch the kids for a few hours, we usually have a neighbor that can. We do the same for them, as well as pick up kids from school or drive them to activities.

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I would just take things for what they are and find a way to make things work for yourself in spite of it all.
If you have to pay for a sitter, just do it. High school kids can be very responsible and they don't charge as much. If you have neighbors with children, take turns and trade sitting so you don't have to pay anything. That's what my friends and I did.
I don't live close enough to my relatives for them to help even if they wanted to so you just find another way.

Best wishes.

1 mom found this helpful

I can relate on the no-grandparents thing, but that's about it. I'm not angry about it. I grew up with 5 living grandparents and 1 great grandma; most of them I never saw and when I did see one, she was abusive. They didn't remember birthdays or Christmas or even our names most of the time. So I could care less about grandparents. I don't see them as necessary to a healthy development as a child.
As far as stressors, I understand. My husband is army and away a lot, which means I don't even have him as help when he's gone. Our son has special needs so I can't really leave him with a sitter, and I don't enjoy doing it when I have to. Imagine an infant for a year and a half - yeah, it's tough. We have no friends because of the way you live in the army (place to place, new friends always moving away) so we have no one to trade babysitting with. I even signed up for a babysitting service to find qualified people and couldn't find anyone! My husbands parents are great people, but they live 900 miles away. We see them maybe twice a year. They do send gifts, but they can't be used as babysitters very much. In fact, my MIL came to visit recently and planned to stay for a week so she could help us out, but left after 3 days because the weather was crappy...lol. Sigh. We have no contact with my parents, so they are completely out of the question. Basically, it is just me and my husband. We don't get breaks, ever. It's very very stressful with the army in the background and our baby having cerebral palsy, but we make do. We fight sometimes, when we're really exhausted, over who should get up with the baby in the middle of the night or early morning, things like that, but mostly it's ok. Just life. I guess because I was never away from my parents as a kid, I didn't even consider it when I became a mom. Seems like it would be nice to have loving babysitters near by, but whatcha gonna do? I have to admit, I AM jealous of my SIL. She has a 3 year old and lives 10 minutes from her husbands huge, loving and capable family. They provide free childcare any day or time and are utilized constantly so both parents can work outside the home. When they need weekend sitters for their son, my in-laws are only 3 hours away so they go to visit and keep the child for free. Must be nice.....

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