How Do I Handle This My Hubby Just Got a Job Offer

I would work all of the numbers and see if it is really worth the move, financially. There are so many costs in moving to a new house. Emotionally, it sounds extremely difficult. I am close with my family too, and I would be devastated to not have family and friends live close to me.

My family, and my husband's family, all live in California, and my husband, kids and I are in Montana. It is the hardest thing about my life. I miss them all the time, and I am sad to see my kids growing up without close relationships with their grandparents and cousins. My parents and I are very close, and we visit as often as we can, and talk on the phone about 5 times a week, but it is not the same as being in the same town. If I were you, I would try to convince your husband to stay. If what you say is true, and his pay raise increase plus the price of living expenses in California will make it the same as how you are living now, I don't really see what the appeal is. I think family is more important than money, so unless you are desperate and struggling right now, I don't think a big raise would be worth going. That's just my two cents. However, marriage is about compromise, so you need to work this out with your husband. Good luck. This is a big decision. I hope it works out for you.

Sweetie, I DO understand how it is to be close in a mother-daughter relationship. However, a husband-wife partnership is even more important.

My mom refused to move far away from her parents when my dad got a great job offer...ironically, in California...and my dad grew to hate her for it. My dad got "his way" for a while. They moved to CA for his job, but only stayed a couple of months before my mom insisted that they move back to Washington. My dad felt emasculated and violated by my mom's choice, but he loved her and us kids and believed in honoring a life-long commitment of marriage. He stayed with her, but it was a rocky relationship. Decades later, he confided in me. He hated her. Still, they stayed married. After his death, she told me that he'd finally asked her for a divorce in the year before he died.

I feel terrible that they both suffered for her choice to forfeit her husband's career for her desire to stay near her mom, but they did--and they passed that suffering on to their children, even though they stayed "together." It wasn't good.

I hope you are able to establish your own "nuclear family" and partner with your husband. It's possible that the next promotion will enable you to move back toward your mom. By the way, the airlines sell tickets to the airport near your mom, and the phone companies let you call her number as often as you want. That's what I'm doing with my grown kids and their children--my grandchildren. I call them. They call me. I fly there. The come to see me. It's OK. Not perfect, but OK.

dear D.,
I understand what a difficult situation you are in. I took have had the opportunity to take a huge promotion at the down side of leaving my home town and moving to a large city. There are a couple of things to think about as you make this choice. 1. money is not everything. If your husband wants to take this job b/c it is more money... that is not a good enough reason.

2. Does your husband want this job b/c he is driven and career oriented? Is he bored or unhappy in his current position? If he needs this promotion to feel good about himself and his accomplishments, then you really need to understand that about him and allow him the room to grow, even if it mean sacrifice for you. If you make him stay he may grow to resent you for this.

3. Your relationship with your husband is the most important relationship in your life.

This is a very difficult situation you are in, and hopefully you have an understanding husband who validates your concerns and truly takes them into consideration. I would suggest that the two of you sit down and write out a pro/con list. Talk over each issue. You both may need to compromise some. As you do this list, I would also do some research on the cost of living. There are websites that show you the % differance between where you are now, and where you would be if you moved to a specified city. This can help you determine if the money is a pro or a wash. Also, go to the chamber's website of the city you are looking to move to. Find out a little about it. It is not home, but may offer some exciting and new opportunities for you. Take all these things into consideration as you weigh your pros and cons.

In the end we decided to stay for at least 2 or 3 more years. But we did a lot of research, I did alot of soul searching, and in the end I feel we made a very educated and wise choice for us. My husband and I spent many night discussing the situation and the decision did not come overnight, rather over 2 months. good luck!

So you are a 34 year old married woman who is afraid to trust her husbands judgment on this new job and who is afraid to leave your mom because you love her and she is a convenient baby sitter. I do understand you are torn about this because you are comfortable here, but sometimes we have to go out of our comfort zone to grow. Try to look at the positive sides, and to go to CA and see where you might end up living, if the company comes back and accepts your offer, work on finding a great new house for your family, if you can afford it, rent out your CO house, so that you can always come back to your place if things don't work out the way you planned... I am very close with my mom too, but when I got married I had to leave her and move with my husband where he could find employment. That puts me in Co and my mom in Germany, yes Germany that is way far away, you can always talk to your mom, coem visit her and maybe your guys relationship will get even better because of the separation.
good luck

D.:

I do understand where you're coming from! I recently moved here from Las Vegas. The reason for my move was, my son's dad moved here from Vegas a few years ago for a job offer. My son's dad & I decided to work things out between us, so we made the big move to CO! My parents live in Las Vegas & I've never lived away from my mom ever. We've always lived in the same town for all my life (30 years). My son is also VERY close to my parents. For me, it was a tough move, but I also felt that it was time for me to leave, so I can have my own family finally! You just have to remember that your parents will just be a plane ride away. Since we've moved out here, my parents have been here pretty much every month. (It's only an 8 hour drive from Las Vegas, so that's a good thing.) Just because you may be moving, doesn't mean that you'll never have the holidays w/ your parents again. It'll make them that much more special when you see them! Trust me, you'll be fine.

My mom and I are extremely close, like you and your mom. We have a wonderful relationship. But she and my dad live in Japan and I live in CO. I moved out at 17 to go to college and have never since lived in the same town as them (it's been almost 20 years). I miss them everyday. It was really hard, but it's something I've gotten used to. Now I have my own family and my obligation is to do what's best for them. What's best for your family may be to move to help your husband's career. Or it may be to stay put so that you and your kids can be near the wonderful support system of your family (which is, quite frankly, priceless). You truly have an extremely difficult decision to make and I don't envy you. One thing that's helped me is modern technology. I talk to my parents on Skype (if you don't have this, get it! google it, then download it) several times a week as do my 3 kids. With Skype, I can see and talk to my parents "real time", very often, I'll set up the laptop on the table and we'll eat dinner while they're eating breakfast (yeah, time differences!). It's as if they're right there at the table with us. You will need a computer for it, but it's totally free. I haven't made a long distance phone call to Japan in over a year! I also Skype with my sister in Philly, my brother in SanFrancisco, my best friend, also in Philly, and another good friend in Tokyo and my in-laws in NJ. It has been a life saver. If you move, you will no longer have the built in babysitting that you have now, but CA is only a 2-3 hour plane ride (going to Japan takes 18hrs!). You'll still see your mom at Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc, if you make it a point to plan those holidays together. My family and my parents often "meet" in Hawaii because it's like a halfway point between our locations...of course, my kids love that! And because they don't see their grandparents very often, they have a very special and unique bond. And when my mom comes to visit, she stays for 3 weeks at a time. Since all my kids are in school, we do fun things like get massages, go for lunch, shopping, just have a great time together. Nobody's life is perfect, we all have to make sacrifices for our families, that's just part of being a wife and parent. And, trust me, CA is a great place to live (we used to live in SanFran, and it's awesome!). Your husband's new job could have been in NewJersey (where we also used to live and it's NOT awesome). You also seem hesitant to move because of all the moving you did growing up. I'm the total opposite - I lived in the same city in Japan my entire life. Now as an adult, I've moved at least 3 times (PA to NJ to CA to CO) and now we're moving back East. I feel antsy when I've been in one place too long and crave something different (although I think this next move may be our last). If you stay here, maybe your kids will be like me when they grow up, needing to experience something different every few years. They would probably really benefit from this move...kids are resilient and love new things. And again, CA is a great place! I think I would go for it if I were in your position. It may be scary, but the rewards could outweigh the negative. Good Luck!

Hello D., It sounds like you already know the answer to your question. You love your life here for so many reasons and money cannot buy the incredible relationships you have here. I am sure you love your husband and want to support him, but how much of yourself would you have to give up to move away from the life you and your children love?

When my youngest daughter was little, we lived in Mexico for my husband's work. I died inside and missed my support system immensely. I moved back to Golden, into my parent's basement and, later, my husband followed. It was a rough time. My husband has now re-oriented himself within his work and we have built a life here that we love. We live six blocks from my parents and I am totally in love with my life. My husband also showed me how important our happiness is to him by finding a way to make his professional life flourish here. I love him more deeply than ever and am very, very glad I trusted my heart and came back home.

Trust yourself, stay in integrity with yourself, and you and your husband will find your way.

~T.

All I can say is that you pledged your life and your heart to your husband. The kind of relationship you have with your mom is irreplaceable, I will not argue that. But the relationship you have with you husband was by a pledge. You chose him and he chose you. You made commitment that you should stand by and live by.

You are no longer and individual. You are two in one. You can no longer make a decision that is based solely on your own individual needs, but on the needs of the whole. What is the best decision for the whole? Whose needs are you looking to fill when you consider what you think is best in this decision, you and your husbands, and you and your moms?

I totally understand the beauty of having parents around. I was actually quite opposite from you, and wanted to move as far away from my parents as I could. My husband (fiance at the time) however was a real mamma's boy and set up a five mile radius of homes near his parents that we could choose from to move into. We ended up being practically on the same street as them. Let me tell you how glad I am now to have them, as well as my own parents in the next town over. It is so comforting to have people who love our kids to tend them whenever we need them. I think it is important to have extended family to help out not just for babysitting, but for extra love and good examples for the kids. I'm not saying that your kids can't have a good relationship with their grandparents if you move. Only you can guess how often you'll be able to visit, call, or write to them. I suggest you sit down with your hubby and weigh out the pro's and con's and possible solutions. Don't forget to include your Heavenly Father in this decision. Pray to know the right choice.

D.,

That is so hard. I can empathize with you. My husband and I live near both our parents and siblings and we are all so close. Holidays, Saturday dinners, you are exactly the same way, I'm sure.

My husband knows that if he wanted to make a huge salary he could do it, but it would mean moving and working longer hours. That is something that we're just not willing to do. For us, we decided it was more important to stay near our extended families and more important to have him home with me and the children in the evenings than have a big house or a nicer lifestyle. For me, FAMILY is my lifestyle, not things.

It is a hard sacrifice, especially for the husband, to give up a huge promotion, but in the end what's more important? Loving relationships or a rich lifestyle?

I'm not telling you what to do or to tell your husband no way, you're not moving. Just consider what you have now. Is it enough? Can you have peace and happiness in your current location? Maybe you and your husband should sit down together and list all your blessings. If you have an attitude of thankfulness for what you have and contentment where you are, then maybe he'll be willing to condede the promotion.

It sounds like you would really rather just stay where you are, but that your husband is the one that wants this. That is hard. No one can make this decision for you, it's something you have to decide TOGETHER and with the Lord. Good luck to you.

I am from California, born and raised, my mom lives there my sister lives there, neices, nephews, friends all still live there, we moved to Idaho, I do have an aunt here but we didn't grow up with them. Why did we move....better job opportunities, at the time we were a family of 6, my husband and I have no high school diploma so for us job's were few and far between, no to mention min wage. We new there was no way to survive on little money. The income you are talking about is VERY good, even by Ca standards, live in the suburbs, have hubby commute. Ca is so much fun and there is so much to do, I miss it very much, but my husband has done very well where we are at we are even a family of nine know. He got lucky and has worked his way up in jobs, he holds positions were a degree is usually a requirment, but are willing to overlook it. My mom and I e-mail, text, phone, and she tries to come up once a year, it does suck a little I will admit, but I had to support my husband, and do the right thing by our children and our future. What ever decision you make make sure your husband is on board or resentment will sit in.....wished it was my husband with that promotion!

Dear D.,
Unfortunately, this is an answer that needs to come from you. Any advice we give you here can only validate your own inner feelings. Ultimately, money cannot make you happy. It's normal to have fears about moving even if one wants to move, but it sounds to me like being near family is more important. Of course you must listen to your husband and support his dreams, but just journal, weigh out your priorities and you will get that "feeling" in you gut which is the right decision.
Good luck.

I was in a kinda/sorta similar situation... I am extremely close to my parents, my mom is also my best friend. I lived with them for 2 years after I had my daughter and then decided to move five hours away to be with my fiance. 2 years later we ended up moving back to be closer to our families. I can tell you there is nothing better than being close to your family. You can't trade it for anything. In my opinion it would be better to make less money and stay close to your family. Our lives changed sooooo much for the better when we moved back. We have a babysitter we can trust any time we need one (for free!), and our daughter has the fabulous experience of a close relationship with her grandparents. Trust me, if you were to move away from your family you would feel the pressure big time. I know from experience! Anyway, that's just my two cents. Good luck!!!

Hi D.,

I can relate to your experience. First of all, I am from CA and making that much money can definitely provide your family with a very nice home and lifestyle. On another note, as a stay at home mom of 3 kids, I have learned to offer my support to my husband with his career no matter what it takes. I heard something from a friend the other day that made me really think about life differently and that is, "Everything in life is temperorary, when going through a rough time, know that it is going to be over soon, and when going through good times, cherish those moments because they may end soon as well." I know that leaving family is hard, we also come from a strong family support system and values. But, in the lesson of moving away from family, it really made us learn to rely on each other for our happiness and for our strength. I wish you the best of luck and also know that when a new door opens another one closes and this is just another chapter in life. You will never know the possibilities if you don't have an open mind. Good luck!

First of all, let me tell you that I know the relationship that a mother and daughter share. I have the same type of relationship with my mom and I can only hope my daughter and I will share the same. Good for you! I have never been in this type of situation before so I am not sure if I will tell you anything helpful.

It really depends on the job and how much of a promotion we are talking about. I had a friend that went to California for a job offer. She was there for about 2 years and it worked for her because her kids were in college and she could go there and get an apartment. However, when you have a whole family and it will impact each and everyone of you; it can be a hard pill to swallow. I think that listing out pros and cons to this job offer is something to think about. I am not sure if it would work for you, but what if he just goes out there and tries it first. Maybe for a couple months and see if that works. I know it would be hard to have the distance but I would be how you are. It is very hard to just up and leave and not knowing what is out there and how much everything costs is a major issue. Have you all visited CA? I do know it is expensive. I say that and I think Colorado can be expensive at times :) I think you just need to talk to him and make sure he knows your concerns. You have every right to be concerned about this major life change! :) I hope I helped a little.

Good Luck, let me know the outcome!

HI D.,

First I totally understand the relationship with your mom, as my mom is my best friend and it was really hard for me to even move out of the house when I married the first time. I mean it came down to the ex telling me I am moving with or without you.

With that being said I am/was a military wife, so I have moved quite abit and here are some things I have learned no matter where in the world you are your parents are never really far away. I live in Boise Id now since this is where my now husband wanted to retire to. My mom lives in Wa and I talk to her as much as if I lived right next to her. I only make it back a few times a year if at all and my mom tries to come see me at least once a year. My kids are very close to their Nana and even with not being close by they still adore her and keep in constant contact.

Moving in itself is really hard, making the adjustment a good one is even harder and accepting that life has changed is worse, but it can also be a good thing if you allow it to be.

I would say give it a try, it will be hard and you will get homesick at times but there is also the possiblity that you will love it but will never know if you don't try.
If this promotion is big for your husband and could lead to bigger and better things later would that alone not be reason enough to give it a try?

I hope some of my ramblings have helped a little bit the bottom line is you need to do whats best for your family and those choices are really hard sometimes.

D.,
First, let me say that I completely understand the relationship you have with your mom. It sounds a lot like mine with my mother. She is my best friend and we share everything with each other. She can't get enough of my kids and they absolutely adore their grandmother. So, I understand the issue of moving away and how that is affecting you emotionally - we almost had the same situation, but hubby's offer didn't come through! So, now we are facing the prospect of moving to Arizona instead!!

Having said that, you are married to, what sounds like, a wonderful man who is providing for your family and loves you and the children. It's time you realize that he and the children are your first obligation and they are your immediate family.

Just because you don't live close to your Mom, doesn't mean you can't BE close. Your husband has a wonderful opportunity and it could become a fantastic thing for your family. You will never know if you aren't open to trying. He's not moving your family all over the place all the time. It's a one time deal and an great opportunity for him. Support him. Love him. It will be an amazing thing for your relationship.

Good luck and God Bless-
C.

All my moms side of the family live in Illinois, when she married my dad, they moved out here for work right after I was born. My brother died, so I was an only child growing up, and every summer I'd go stay with my grandparents so I could be with the family all summer long every year growing up (cousins,aunts,etc) Those were the best times of my life. It was h*** o* my M. and I living away from our family and now my grandparents are gone and it's so heartbreaking to think of all the life I missed with them, yes going out all summer was so wonderful, but leaving would put us into a depression for weeks afterward. I still remember when my M. would come out for a couple weeks in the summer and I'd stay longer, when her plane took off, my grandma would just about collapse and cry as the plane left the ground.
I'm crying now thinking about how much I dearly missed my grandparents all those years and only getting to see them once or twice a year. Now they are gone and I'll never get that time back with them :( Nor will my M. get that time back with her wonderful parents.
Don't move, unless they can move out there too!

Wow D., your story sounds just like mine. My dad was in the navy, so we moved all the time! We finally settled in Colorado in '94 and I"m also very close to my family. Like your husband, my husband also wants to move to California (San Francisco) to further his career. I tell him that I completely support him and if it came down to it, I would go with him, but inside, I'm really hoping that he doesn't accept it. San Francisco is so expensive and our life is stress free and simple here. I stay home with my kids, but if we move, I think that it will be very stressful financially, even if they offer him what he wants. I wish I could give you a better advice, but the funny thing is that we're exactly in the same position. I have two kids and been married for 10 years. All I know is that if it came down to it, I would go with him and support him because we are a family. I told my husband if he does get the job, and we're not happy there, that he would really consider going back. All I can do is be positive because I don't want him to resent me in the future. I want him to make the decision (but consider our life here now) and if he thinks it's good for us, then I'll support him 100%..Good Luck!

Hello D.,

I was faced with a similar situation years ago when my childen were much younger. My husband was up for a promotion and we went for it. I was scared- going to a different state where I didn't know anybody. Leaving family behind and not sure when I would see them again. When I look back I am so glad we did it. It was the best thing that ever happened to us. Wasn't about money it was about what was best for our family and since my husband was the financial provider I felt I had to be supportive. Sometimes change comes along in life - some not always welcomed. I have found that when forced out of our comfort zone a time for personal growth transpires. Life isn't suppose to be busy but you might want to ask yourself how this opportunity could benefit your family?
Hoped that helps.

I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to go however if you do mover here are some ideas. One, get a voip phone, there are different companies but they are phones run through your computer and are cheap. They are regular phones in your house but are processed through your computer line and you can make all the long distance phone calls you want without being charged extra. It costs us about 240 a year for everything, local, long distance, caller id, call waiting....way cheaper than a regular phone company. My mom calls it our extra long umbelical cord since I talk with her every day, she's in Kansas, I'm in Utah. Also, no matter where you move look at it as an adventure for you and your kids, new places to investigate.... Make it fun. I have a friend that just moved to KC, her family loves it but she won't give it a chance because she wants to be where her friends are, it is making it difficult for her whole family because she is not open to the changes. Always remember that is not forever, maybe you can move back here sooner than you think. Are there any job opportunities your husband could look at closer to home? I do wish I lived closer to family while my son is young, we travel back frequently but would love to be there more. Good luck,
have fun and be glad for phones, planes and road trips! They are all fun for everyone if you want them to be.
S.

Here is some advice on the money side. Take a look at the cost of living index for the city you live in now versus where you will be moving to. Depending on your destination city in California, you could need as much as $50,000 more in order for it to feel like the same salary as you have here. Here is a website that gives you some nice comparisons. http://cgi.money.cnn.com/tools/costofliving/costofliving.... There are others sites that have similar calculations.

Sounds like they really want your DH if they are going to be willing to buy your house. Talk to your husband about short- and long-term plans. How long does he need to stay at the job in California - will taking the job eventually lead you back home? It's hard to move away from family, but you and your mom will always be close no mater where you live and California is close and fairly cheap to fly back and forth from. It might be a good growth experience for all of you - especially if it is part of a bigger plan that will eventually bring you back home.

I live three thousand miles away from my family and being an only child makes it even harder. I know that family is very important but you have to weigh all your options, if it means providing better for your children and making your husband happy by furthering his career then trust me you can do it! I talk to my family almost every day and email and send picture messages often. Its no substitute for the real thing but I know that where my husband and I are located now is the best for our immediate family. Coming from a military family and moving a lot you should know that nothing is permanent and if you hate it or things don't work out then moving back is always an option. I think limiting your families opportunities just to be in a certain location could be something you and your husband regret later.

This will be a hard decision for all. Especially coming from a grandma that raised her three grandbabies from birth. Two went to live with their dad a week ago today and even 12 miles away it crushes me. We have the little guy yet because he is a 1/2 brother to the two that left. The two older ones are 3 and 2 and all they knew was us. It has been h*** o* all of us. We are also foster parents so we see children come and go and believe me it is not an easy task at all. I know what you mean about being close to your mom but I also know when it all comes down to it. It is the children you worry about and the dettachment they will have to go through. I will pray that the Lord directs this is the best way that is going to be best for your family. Take care....

Hi
I understand your relationship with your mom. My mom and my grandparents and I have a very unique and special relationship. I am an only child and only grandchild and was raised by my mom, grandparents and uncle so I completely understand where you are coming from about the relationship and not wanting to leave. I grew up in CA and love it. It is expensive but it does depend on what part of CA you would be living in. There are some places that aren't as expensive. I would be happy to tell you all you want to know about CA. I also understand the job opportunity for your husband. My husband travels for his job (it is a new job just started in Jan) and I have given up my career so that he can pursue his. At least for the moment. I had a difficult time with this at first but I'm getting to like it now. He will always make a lot more money than I will so we decided to go where his career takes him and if we decide for him to take a more "permanent" job and stay mostly in one place then maybe I will go back to teaching. To leave your mom and family is a difficult thing to do. I understand this because in 2005 I left my mom and grandparents (I wasn't married yet) to go teach in Bahrain (about 26 miles from Saudi Arabia). It was the hardest thing I ever did. My mom cried for months, she wouldn't talk about my moving for months. However, I stayed strong and brave and went with tears pouring down all of our faces. I stayed for 2 years only coming home in the summer. It took my mom a few months to go from crying to telling her customers, "look that is where my baby is" and show them the most recent postcard I had sent. Moving to CA is more than a few hour trip, but at least you could be back to CO or your family could be to CA in a little over a 2 hour plane ride! Express Jet flies direct from COS to SMF (Sacramento) and also to San Diego. I don't know if you would be close to either of those places, but it is doable. I love CO, but CA is beautiful too! I would be more than happy to give you any information I can about CA, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com
Good luck!

A few things for both you and your husband to consider:

1) What is the most strategic thing we could do at this moment?

2) What does my intuition/gut tell me?

3) If you do move and you love your home here consider renting it out versus selling it - at least for now.

If you're in NoCo list your home for rent on www.northerncoloradorentals.com

I can highly recommend my Realtor, Kelley Reichert with Coldwell Banker at ###-###-#### if you go that route. Good Luck!

Man did you just tell almost my exact story, only we moved from Arkansas to Colorado. Everything else is basically the same. My in-laws pressured me to move to support my husband's desire to move forward with his career. I also wanted to be a supportive wife and not block him of his opporutnity to do just that. I've lived here almost 4 years now. I have a gaping hole for my family and friends back home. I am sad everyday and have to stay very focused on why we live here and that it was my choice to come. I have gotten so depressed (we've only gone home to visit twice due to money and travel with 3 children) I actually started taking anti-depressants just to deal with life here. Colorado is fine. My husband's career is doing great. My children have built up their lives and although miss their Arkansas family members, the distance between them has helped them grow away from them and it's not too big a deal...for me, although I'm glad for them, it's even more depressing. My entire in-law family decided to move here when we did. They are not child friendly, although they think they try so I have to not be too judgemental about them...but it is difficult and because they are all here now, I feel stuck. My side of the family had lots of kids and are very, very child friendly. I regret that I ever agreed to move here and I have to face that and work through it everyday. I have my moments of feeling okay, but I can't think of myself at all. I am stuck in the hardest place...my heart is ripped in half and all I can do everyday is my best to stay positive and focus on the children. Sorry, wish I had something better to tell you. This might not be your experience at all...you might love it...but it's like the movie 'Aquamarine' says (my daughter's love that movie)...the mermaid says, "It's not where you are, it's who you're with." I wish that my husband and my children were all that mattered, but my heart holds room for many and it hurts more often than not. There are a lot of people in this world that I love...they happen to be 1000 miles from here.

Hi D. - This is such a h*** o*e! The best advise I can give you is that you try to find a way in which you and your husband can both have your cake and eat it too. In this day and age, there are tons of creative ways to do this. I agree with you totally that CA is a ridiculously expensive place to live, between the housing and the taxes etc. I also think extended family is so important yet so rare in this day. I moved a lot as a kid too, and for me I do feel scarred by it. The things that I dislike about myself, my insecurities, pieces "missing" I can all trace back to being forced to move at young ages. SO it's a huge deal, esp. for your 8 yr old. SO, not knowing your exact situation, here are some suggestions:

IS this the kind of job your husband could conceivably do from your current location, if the new employer would only give him the chance? If so, suggest a 12-18 month trial period whereby he commutes on weekends (if at all feasible), until he gets to know all involved, and then he can slowly transition to work from home. It's not as rare as you think. I work in NYC, but from my home office in the mountains 2 time zones away. My boss who manages about 90 people globally is in the office 3 days a week, and the other days she works from her home a 4 hour train ride away. But we all had to "prove" ourselves that we could handle the remote issues first. Will this job opportunity open up further opportunities closer to home in future for your husband? Againk this might be worth a year or two of time invested in the hassle and expense of commuting. You can offer a compromise by saying you & kids will spend the summer in CA with him (as long as he gets a place near the beach, of course!).

In terms of arguing with him (although it sounds he is torn, too) remind him that he chose a famiy before he got fancy ideas about his career. As such, family takes precedence.

Good Luck to you

I guess I only have to say it sounds like this company really wants your husband in California. It sounds like a great offer to me. They are even going to consider buying your house? Wow! I understand the whole family thing, but in this world of technology, you can still talk to your mom every day and so can your kids. The important thing is that you will be with your husband. I do understand a great relationship with my mom, since I have one. I also know that if required to leave for my husband's career advancement, I would in a heartbeat. I don't know if you are a religious person, but I would pray for strength and understanding, and if it is the right choice for your family.
Sorry if this doesn't help, but it is my advice for you.

Hi D.,
I cannot comment on what to do about moving, I know it has got to be hard for the both of you. What I do want to tell you is about my relationship with my Grandparents. My family moved to another country when I was 4 years old, leaving behind all of my extended family. We got to visit once a year for at least a couple of weeks. Those weeks were wonderful! My cousins that grew up around my Grandparents "had" to go there after school and "had" to spend x amount of time with them and therefore started to resent them. Not saying this happens to everyone but this how it went for my family. My relationship with my Grandparents is amazing, I am so much closer to them than any of my cousins because we had that very special visit with them every year and we could write letters and talk on the phone. I moved literally to the other side of the world from my parents and I'm expecting their first grandchild in a few months. My focus is on the relationship that I had with my Grandparents and I know that even though we are a world away, they will still be so close. Also with webcams, we are all much closer than ever. If you do chose to make the move, please know that even if your children are not physically close to their Grandparents, they will always have a wonderful connection. I hope this helps!

Don't do it, be strong. No amount of money is worth leaving family. My sister moved to Boston for the same reason. They are no better off there, but her husband has this prestigious job at MIT. It has been so hard to see them. We travel there at least once a year and she comes back 3 times a year, but the traveling is so stressful on the kids and you are under so much pressure to spend every waking second with them while they are here that it seems like more work than play. Everyone is so sad every time they leave and it never gets any easier. If you can make a living here stay!

D.-
I'm not sure if I have any advice for you. But, I would like to tell you my story, since I am in the same situation.

I am 24 years old. I was born and raised in central New York. My whole family lives there and we are extremely close. I joined the Army after high school, met the love of my life while stationed at Fort Drum, NY and we got married in 2005. We had our beautiful son in July 2006. In August 2006, the Army brought us to Fort Carson. And we have been here ever since. My family has been such a support line for us. I talk to my mom AT LEAST once a day. Without even just calling to say "hi", I don't know how I'd survive. My husband was born and raised in Aurora, CO. His parents now live in Falcon. We have seen them twice since December. I am absolutely miserable here. I am a stay at home mom now, which I absolutely love. But, just knowing his parents are 45 minutes away, and we hardly ever see them rips me apart. I would give anything to move closer to home, which actually is happening this summer. I guess what I'm trying to say is, is that if you are as close to your family as I am, I wouldn't give that up for the world. At this point, if it weren't for the Army, we would be back in NY in a heartbeat. I think it is bad for our son not being around family that desperately loves him. I mean, he has us... but I know he needs to be with extended family as well. A loving family is part of a healthy childhood.

I think a decision like this should be based on where you will truly be happy. Would more money and a better career opportunity be better than being around your loving family? To me, that's a no brainer.
I hope this helps-
Steph

Support your husband. You will all make new friends, if you put forth the effort. The grandparents can visit and make it an extra special time. You might be surprised at the benefits. You never know until you try. Be an adult and make it as positive as you can.

You obviously don't really want someones advise since you have alreay made up your mind. I think that is very sad. I am a daughter and a mother and I do understand relationships, but I still think that my relationship with my husband is more important than my relationship with my other friends & family who will always be there when I call them. Give your children an adventure that they will not otherwise have if you STAY. I'm surprised your mother hasn't said this to you too. The truth is you can always come home later when your husband has built his working resume to its fullest. Your mother/friend will still love you and your children and I'm sure you will be able to go back for holidays if you save for it. Teach the children to want to save for it and make that an adventure too. It is all in how you look at it. I do not live in the same town as my mother because the jobs are not there for me to do that, but I have the hope that when I retire I'll be able to move home. K

I have followed my husband to three locations, and back home to where our families are. He has had a couple opportunities since we have been back to move again and has declined. It is an individual decision and each side has pros and cons of course. Moving away has a way of filtering our lives, the best relationships become better, more cherished. The holiday trips are memorable because you don't get them every weekend. The emotions become condensed in a way, more precious and valued and you appreciate every second you get with the people you love. There is so much technology now you can let the kiddos be a part of their grandparents lives in a daily, real way so that when they see them there is no adjustment period. On the flip side, no amount of money buys happiness. I believe that making a conscious decision to put our family ahead of money or status in our lives saved my marriage and made us stronger. We downscaled a lot, by choice, and made sacrifices that we were not used to in order stay near our family. Life is choice. Make a list of all of the pros and cons for your family... not just you or just your husband but the greater unit and be sure that what you decide you can live with... with an open heart. It really sounds like a great opportunity, although one of my moves was also to California and they're right, it is expensive and takes much more than you'd think or are used to to get ahead. Anyway, I would be cautious of turning it down merely on principle and denying your husband the opportunity for growth unless it is a mutual and livable decision. Good Luck!

Hi D.,

I too live in the area where I was born and have lots of family. I think having family around children is so important (my entire family of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc live/d in another state my entire life so I barely know any of them). Plus it sounds like your relationship is great with your mom, and that is one of the best support systems you can ask for!

Picking up and moving, especially to another state, is no simple undertaking. What if the job doesn't work out for some reason? Then your husband is looking for another job and you will be regretting that you moved. Is he in an industry where he can keep looking for other jobs near you (or is this in the same company?)

More money does not make a happy family! It has perks but it also has drawbacks and consequences. You don't need anyone to tell you what to do because this is such a personal decision, however you do need to really evaluate the pros/cons of having more money than you currently make vs. living near your family.

Good luck!
J.

Let me give you a different perspective, one that is different from all the other postings...

After moving many times (12 times within 8 years in several states, not counting while within the states) while as a child (in a non-military family), over 25 years ago my parents divorced and my mother moved away from her close family. Long story short - she needed to support her kids and went to where there was jobs available. I missed my dad, grandma, aunts, uncles, and hordes of cousins, but I was still with my mom. It was h*** o* us, especially in the beginning, but we made a life for ourselves. A couple of years ago, mom and I talked about it all. While she still misses her family, she is glad she made the move. It allowed her, myself, and my sister to grow in a way we never would've had we stayed there. It was a new adventure for all of us. And we had fun visiting family whenever we got a chance to go back, sometimes once a year, sometimes not until three years went by. Of course that was WAY before the wonderful technology we have now.

My advise to you is to talk with your husband and set short-term & long-term goals, including vacationing times with your parents, whether you go home and see them or they come out and see you. (Who knows, maybe your parents are ready to move and will move out with you after some time has passed.) Be sure to peridically have goal discussions and ensure they are being met. Include goals if you do decide to not to move. Of course there's the possibilty of long-distance relationship with your husband, but be ready for added stress to your marriage.

Being married for 15 years myself, I know that marriage is all about compromises. If you don't move and your husband gives up this missed opportunity, he may resent you for it - maybe not now, but in the future. Seeing that he was ready to decline the job altogether, he was ready to sacrifice his dreams for you. Are you willing to compromise?

If you do move, it will be hard in the beginning and you most likely will be homesick. Make plans to keep your self busy and occupy your mind, along with your children and husband.
Make plans to send the kiddos to their grandparents for 4 weeks in the summer and drive out to pick them up, giving all of you time together...

I will stop now before this gets too long. My heart goes out to you all and I hope you will be able to make a decision before you stress out over it too much.

I grew up military and I feel your pain. It is not easy moving around and you know what you are getting into.
Your profile says you've been with your husband for 19 years. That is a long time! So he surely knows that he is asking you for something that you really don't want to consider, he even turned it down for you once.
I submit to you that "work identity" and "work success" are more important to men than we can ever quite understand. I submit to you that if you stand behind your husband and move to support him, that will mean more to him and to your marriage than you will ever fully know.
If he is as young as you are he has a long working career ahead of him and he may need this promotion even if you don't feel the money is right.
Your kids are young. If you look at this as an adventure so will they.
Every now and then in marriage I believe you have to ask yourself if you want to be "right" or be married. I realize he isn't threatening to go without you or anything but I think you should consider going.
Best wishes~
C.

D.,
It is time to put the trust in your husband to know what is right for your family yes it will be hard moving from your mom but you pledged your life to this man and he knows how hard this is for you plus if this is a new job then there is room to grow and if it doesn't work out you can always move back.

Wow, it's a tough one! I understand about your parents... up until a month ago we lived across the street from my mom. Now we live on the same street but down at the end. It felt like we were moving across town. As far as the job... maybe it is an opportunity worth trying... No one said you can't come back if it doesn't work out. Maybe your parents want to move too!!! L.

ps...do you pray? If you do, maybe praying will provide you guys some guidance??? Best of luck!

hey D,
Try to view this as a positive thing. your hubby works hard and is being rewarded for it. cali isn't all that bad or ecpensive, just depends on where you live. I lived there for ten years and enjoyed what i knew. I know how hard it's going to be to leave your mother, but you can still be close across the miles. you didn't mention where in cali you'd be moving to but there are so many fun and interesting things to do there. like San Fransico has fishermans wharf, a board walk on the bay. you can take a bay tour or visit alcatraz. there's also haight and ashburry, rich in history during the sixties and seventies with tons of great little shops. and the cliff house that almost all legendary actors have eaten at. give it a chance before you write it off.

Change is so hard! I have to start by saying that - it's really tough. When Colorado is what you know best, and your relationship with your mom is so important, it's frightening to think of having to start over somewhere new. You've done the move thing before as you were growing up, but I am sure it feels far more overwhelming.

I have the gift of being able to stay at home with my daughter, and when my husband recently was looking for a new job position, it was looking like a move for us would be almost necessary. That would have been the third move in less than two years - and we even lived out of the country for over a year (where I had my first baby). Anyway, I came to realize a while ago, that he has given me my personal dream - to be able to stay home with children. That is certainly not a "dream" for all women, but it was for me. I figured it was only fair that I had my dream, and now he should be able to chase his dream. If it moved us, then so be it. When I saw it from that perspective, it made it easier to contemplate yet another move.

I am sure it was a very difficult decision for your husband and you to make - knowing how close you are to your family and how much you love being in Colorado. It sounds like you two have a loving marriage and are great friends. My husband and I discovered a whole other aspect to our relationship when we were alone in another country or even when we were in another state without any family. It brought us closer and we have come to really cherish that.

With time, you will meet friends, you'll find your way around, and you'll even find a way to see your family and they will figure out how to get out and see you too. It won't be easy, but it is possible. Look at it as an adventure. I imagine that as long as you, your husband, and your kids are together, your all can take on the world.

I know it's a lot of change at once - hang in there. Remember what has kept you and your husband together all these 19 years... who knows... maybe your mom will move out to California too! :) Good luck to you.

Sometimes change is hard. it was hard for both of us when my daughter moved last year. I know she and her husband will be back in a few years though. Do you remember the saying" Absence makes the heart grow fonder? I hope that if you leave, while you are gone that you will build even stronger bonds with your parents. Maybe it will help your kids to see a bigger picture of the world so thay will appreciate grandma and grandpa even more. Sometimes moving for a job is a good thing because it help you move up in the business world, get more experience and hopefully when you do come back your husband will get an even better job at a higher level and make more money. I hope this works out for you. Good luck P.

I'm kind of in the same boat. Both our families live in the same state and we've lived here our entire lives. Well, my husband got a promotion and, for now, we are staying where we are, but the company really wants us to relocate to the corporate headquarters - all the way across the country! I really, really don't want to move - to sell our beautiful dream home, to move away from family and friends, but I know that if he wants to further his career with the company (and it's a wonderful company with lots of potential for more promotions) we're going to have to make this move. Maybe not this year, but someday. And as much as I want to stay, I know I have to support him in his career because it's really what he wants to do. Besides the fact that he supported me when I wanted to quit my well-paying job to become a SAHM. I'm very close to my family and the thought of not seeing them on a regular basis scares me and makes me sad, I know that I WILL get to see them on holidays, vacations, etc and they are never more than a phone call away. Anyway, really take a look at it - are you really just scared of change? If he'll be making that much money, that's plenty for you to fly home if just need to see your family. And who knows, they might not be able to meet his requirements and this is all moot.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Even 50 years ago, most families grew up around their extended family with parents, aunts, uncles and cousins all around. Unfortunately, that has changed and is probably not for the best. However, when you married you chose to leave your parents and bond to your husband. If he gets the job, it will be hard, but it can be done. Just make sure that you plan to have frequent visits with your parents by going there or having them come to see you. On the other hand, keep in mind that money isn't everything and if you have done well where you are and have your needs met, then a move may not be the best. Council with your husband and make this important decision together.

Stay put!Hey- our neighbors had a comfortable lifestyle in a nice small home overlooking a lake on park property when dad got a great job offer in another state. Well, they were wowed by big beautiful homes and a beach. Long story short they wish they could move back! They had the same deal with the company to buy their home, etc., but they have to stay there 5 years. The mom,sahm, had a great network of family and friends. Now with the real estate down turn they are stuck in a home that has depreciated and they may not be able to afford to move back here. Stuff is stuff and no amount of stuff or a big title will make a difference in the long run. I think if they had it to do over the dad would have moved to the new job for a 6mo trial. He doesn't really like it.

I feel for you. As a mom, I would absolutely hate to see my daughters and their families leave here. We are very very close and I would be devistated. My girls depend on us a lot to help out with their children and over the years, we have helped to keep them out of daycare a lot.

It would be a very hard decision for you to make. You are right, it is very expensive to live in California, and even though you are offered way more pay, it may not make it any better financially if everything is more expensive there and I guess I believe that money isn't everything. Our families are the most important and sometimes you have to look at that first. My mother-in-law (bless her heart) would have said this:
write down on one sheet of paper all the positives and all the negatives on another sheet and then weigh out the differences to see which looks good. If you have more negatives than positives, then I guess you would not go or visa/versa.

I would never stand in the way of my daughters if they had to move across country because of their jobs, but as a grandma, I would hate it.

My advice to my daughters would be: pray about it. I am a true believer in prayer and God opens doors and shuts them when we seek His answer.

Ok D., I can understand your delima. I to was very close to my mother and she was my best friend. She also taught me that as a house wife we need to follow our spouse and support him emotionally. I really understand you not wanting to leave mom,because I was the same way. Unfortunately my mom was killed ina car accident 13 years ago and I have been missing her soooo much. But when we get married, we gbecome one with our spouse, and they need to come before mom. Besides you can alternate holidays and it may not be too bad. You may even love California!

Please you and your husband read this article before you make the decision to take the job. Then weigh the benifits of making more money to the downside of having to spend more.

http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2008/02/25/102039_is-you...

Also, my dad took a job in another state when I was 15. He was away for 18 (it was supposed to be 1 1/2) months before the company offered to move us all North with him. I lost my home, my family, and my friends. I had lived in one place for 17 years, and we went from country Ozark living to Detroit's Suburbia. I am firmly against leaving home, but I also know I'd never have met my husband and moved to the mountains of Colorado if this had never happened.

Some things money can't buy! Turn it over to God & be very specific about opening or shutting that door. To make a move like that AND feel the finacial stress is the making of a really bad situation. Opportunities come and go & often times aren't what they seem to be.

well hello D.,
I guess the first thinjg i would do and consider is if the new popsition is worth the happiness. even if the money is better it, may not be the right choice if you have to give up all your happiness and security. the other thing is whether you can back out now, if your husband backs out now will he still keep the position he has now. if not you may want to go with the flow, who knows maybe you can all be just as happy in cali. good luck.

I dont have any advise, just a ~hug~.
I know the main reasion I dont even move out of the city I'm in is because my mom is 7 minutes away. I cant leave her either. That is so hard. I know for me, my family and the memories I make throughout my life is more important than money. Money is nice, but not if it means missing out on the people who wont be here forever, I want to enjoy this life while I have it, I think everyone should, and if moving away for some people is what makes there journey enjoyable, I support that all the way, but for some, like you and I. Moving to the most beautiful place in the world or making millions doesnt replace seeing my family.
I feel sad for you to have to make such a hard decision.
I know what mine would be. But you have to live with yours and either way, its going to be hard. ~hugs~hugs~hugs~