Do We Stay or Do We Go?????

Dear K.,
I have moved here from Germany 16 years ago.It was very hard for me for the first 7 years, I also felt so guilty about taken the kids away from my mom.
But she comes every other year, and is very closed to my children,they love her.
On the other hand ,my inlaws are living 10 minutes away from us and they have almost no relation ship with them at all.They are just not into their grandchildren,sad but reality.
I would live where you feel most happy and the relationship will be just fine with the family.
Good luck

I think it depends on so many things. What is the other place where you are thinking of living. What are the things you value in a community (for me, public transit and diversity of population are high on the list, which definitely limits options.) How is the economy in the other state?

It's great to decide now before school age, though.

We live 5 hours drive from family, and we are sad that our kids aren't closer to their cousins. On the other hand, we get great family time with them a few times a year (we take a summer vacation all together up north, xmas, and thanksgiving.) We wouldn't be as happy (and probably unemployed) living where they live, and I'm very glad we are within driving distance. But I don't really feel like it's a terrible thing to be in another state. The time we have with the grandmas is quality time (we stay at their houses or they stay here) and it seems like everyone's so busy that the cousins don't see each other more than once every month or two anyway (the ones that live closer.)

Hi K.,

You have to do what is best for you and your husband. Your happiness will show. I lived away from family for alot of my life, my father was in the Navy. It was nice to just be with us and then it was a REAL treat to see the family when we did and we did not get caught up in all of the family drama. As long as your daughter knows who your family is and what they mean to you, it will be like she was never gone from them. They will always be in each other's hearts.

We moved from Texas to Illinios 2-1/2 years ago as my husband accepted a position that allowed us more financial stability. We left all of our extended family in Texas (with the exception of my grandparents, aunts, etc. who live 4 hours away in Michigan) as I was about to give birth to our second son. It was a very hard decision to make. My husband had never lived far from his parents. And, it was the best decision that we have made! We don't get drawn into the family issues of other family members (his parents are divorced and remarried to others with adult children who have caused problems within the family). We don't have the command performs on every holiday which allows us to spend quality time with our sons instead of running around trying to fit everyone in. And, the visits that we do have with our families are precious and treasured. We don't take them for granted. You have to do what is best for your immediate family. Everything else will fall into place if you focus your attention on the ones that you are responsible for taking care of (yourself, your husband and your daughter). Best wishes!

Hi K.,

My sister moved out-of-state over three years ago and she's miserable. She especially misses her children's interaction with their cousins. It's more difficult during the holidays, special occasions and the children's birthdays. We try to visit each other every year but it's not the same. She wants to move back but her husband doesn't. He's happy with his job and doesn't want to move back to the bitter-cold Chicago winters.

I think every situation is different. It all depends on how close of a relationship you have with the grandparents and the rest of the family. Do you see each other often? How long do you go without seeing each other? Do you miss each other? If you don't see each other often then it really doesn't matter much where you live.

Go to wherever you and your husband are happiest, the end result will be a happier child. You are capable of travel and so are relatives. Unless you require their financial or emotional support, go.

Hi,
We had a situation similar to that, but a little different. My husband and I also grew up in IL and we moved to IA for about a year. Most of his family (with the exception of his parents) are here in IL and my family is in IL as well. We moved to IA because of a promotion opportunity at work (which didn't exactly pan out... ended up keeping same job), but my husband's parents live in IA, (we actually stayed with them), then he did get a promotion back here in IL, so we moved back. We both LOVED where we lived before and would go back in a heartbeat. My children grew very close to my husbands parents while we lived there, and believe it or not they still are. (my kids are 3 and almost 2). Sometimes we call Grandma nd Grandpa and talk to them on the phone. Another thing is we bought a webcam and they have one so the kids can see them and talk to them. Also, my husband's parents come and visit, and sometimes we take a weekend to visit them. It may be a short visit, but it works. We also have some pictures of family that is not here by us, and my kids love that!! In the end I think it is fine not being next to family. We always think of our kids first(which is good), but kids need happy mommys and daddys too! I hope this helps a little, or at least gives you some ideas if you do decide to go. Good Luck in your decision making!

Congrats on beating cancer! I'm sure you learned a lot from that experience. Hopefully you realized that you need to live for you, your husband, and your child. Life is way to short to worry so much. Do what makes you guys happy and everything else will fall into place; it always does! Good luck with your decision.

A move is a huge decision, this should be only one part of the factor. Do you have a job lined up in the new place? Don't go before there's a job. Do you own a home here? Have you considered how hard it may be to sell this home? If you have a good/stable job here and own a home, those two may weigh significantly in favor of staying put, even if you would rather live somewhere else. The job market and the real estate market are not going to get better any time soon, no matter what realtors may try to tell you. Also, are your parents helpful? Do they provide a lot of free babysitting or something else around the house that you wouldn't get somewhere else? I have a friend whose parents used to have the grandkids for a aleepover every other weekend. She and her husband had every other weekend all to themselves to sleep in, be alone together -- how awesome is that?!! But, even if my parents were nearby, they would never do that in a million years. However, if all those other things work out and you can move, then if that is what works best for you, your husband, and your daughter, then I think you should do it. I live far away from my parents, but they come here to visit for all the major holidays and events, and we visit them in Florida over spring break.

If you have jobs in the place you want to go back to, and you can sell your house now (if you are in one) then yep, I would move to where you want to be. I was mad when my inlaws moved from Glen Ellyn to KY, but we do see them often and it works out fine.

My in-laws are in Ireland, so we have a web-cam. The quality is great, and they get to "talk" to my 9 month old. Your daughter could "talk" to her grandparents for FREE every day, if she wanted.

My husband and I are talking about moving away from my family. It's a hard decision to make, since there really is nothing like family and I don't want my daughter to miss out...

Both my husband and I grew up in Ohio, about 15 minutes from each other. My husband left for Tennesee when he was 16 and later moved to Arizona and on to Chicago, never to return to Ohio to live. I came out here back in 2001 (several years after he left) once we became engaged. All of our families are still in Ohio and now that we have two kids, this is something that I wrestle with regularly.

I grew up with my grandparents and was extremely close to them. So, I know the kind of bond that you are talking about and not giving my parents that kind of relationship is hard but we have decided that, for now, this is what's best for our family. So, we continue to build our lives in Chicago.

Thankfully my parents make an effort with our kids and see them about every 4 weeks, one way or another. Additionally, they have them for a week at Christmas time and then a week in the summer. While it's not the day-to-day intereaction, they have created their bond and are very close. In fact, my son talks on the phone with my parents every night for about an hour before bed. They play games together, sing songs and tell stories. My dad has gone so far as to take pictures of his room so that they can play I Spy. It takes effort but it can be done.

On the flip side, my husband's parents do not make an effort at all. In fact, no one does on his side of the family. They are excited to see us when they can but they don't come here and they don't call. To me, it's weird but it's just what we have had to get used to. My husband left at 16 and I have come to understand that this is just how they coped with him leaving and not making an effort to come back.

This is the sad part. My children have a lot of cousins, from my husband's side of the family. There are about 15 cousins under the age of 10 and they all get along really well. I often wonder what it would be like for my kids to grow up with that, especially since I am an only child. But, we have made lots of friends here and for now...this is where we are building our lives.

I should also mention that my husband has no interest in moving back to Ohio. I, like you, probably would have done so by now on pure emotion.

I hope that this helps. Congrats to your hubby for beating cancer. Only you guys can make the decision on what's best for you. Don't make any decisions out of guilt...you will only regret and resent.

Good luck.
N.

I haven't gone through the same situation. But I thought this might help.

My grandparents lived in Montreal and we lived in the States - and we still grew up being close to them. My aunt lives in Italy and is still close to my father. My sister lives 6 hours away and is very close to all of us.

My in-laws live in Arizona. We talk to them everyweek on the computer and my kids adore them.

Being physically close doesn't always breed closeness, nor does being apart mean you aren't close. It just might be more effort.

In my opinion you need to do what is going to make you and your husband happy.

Good luck.

Have you prayed about your decision. No one can answer but you. I appreciate you husband for agreeing to move in the first move. Let the family visit on holidays and summers. Is it a warm climate? Ill. can be brutal in the winter. God will give you peace.... O.

It sounds like you already know what to do, but I can give you some feedback since my parents raised me away from family. I grew up here in Illinois as an only child. My closest family was in Mississippi. I saw my family on that side once or twice a year. The rest of my family is in Australia and I saw them once every five years or so. It was always just my parents and me, so obviously not a lot of big family interactions! That being said, I had a great childhood. Because I wasn't used to being around family it didn't bother me at all. People always asked me if I was lonely but I wasn't in the least. Now I'm married with a toddler of my own. My husband's family is big and in the area so there are a lot of family functions and I'm still not quite used to the huge gatherings. It is really nice to have everyone close by, especially when there are family troubles. But I think that you shouldn't feel guilty about moving your daughter--she'll be fine!

Hi K.-

Listen to your gut. Write out the positives and negatives.

I did not listen to my gut, and made a decision while pregnant that I now regret. We moved from lake county to kane county 2+ years ago. We wanted to be closer to my family. Looking back my family never came to visit us up north. (Even when I had my c-section it was for one day, not even overnight). We gave up our lives to be closer to them, and it's all about them. It gave them convenience, not us. My friends up there did more than my family here.

So just think about what's best for you & your husband, your daughter will adjust. Think about when your parents retire, are they staying in IL? Are they going to make a decision based on you, or will they do what's best for them?

I think you can maintain a great relationship with family out of state, it takes effort, but if everyone is willing it will work. Especially if you and them are willing to travel it will help.

Best of Luck!

I don't know how far away you're talking, but there are definitely ways to keep in touch with family. In today's age of technology, webcams can even make for real time interaction. I have a friend whose daughter is away at college for the first time, and they still have "Sunday dinner" every week. It's kind of funny, but it works. You have to do what's best for EVERYONE in your family, not just your daughter. Sometimes, grandparents can be even more special because they're a rare treat. And kids love to get stuff in the mail and talk on the phone. Good luck with your decision!

Hi K..
I agree with a pp. Just because you live nearby, doesn't make you close and vice versa. My grandparents lived in Greece when i was growing up (south suburbs) and we were so much closer to them than the grandma that lived in Chicago.

My inlaws live in Florida, and while they won't have the same type of relationship with my baby as my mom will, they will still be close.

With all of that being said, I would NEVER be able to live far away from my mom and my sister. Follow your heart and good luck to you.

Nothing is more important that family. They will be be there for all you for the rest of your lives.

When I was first married we lived out of state for a couple years. When we started thinking about starting a family, that meant it was time to come home. I would never raise a family without extended family nearby. Climate and career are not what is truly important. Having extended family around shows your daughter that she will always be loved and taken care of.

My father-in-law believed that one should move to wherever the salary was highest. Why in the world would I leave my cousins and siblings and parents for money, or warm weather? I always thought he had his priorities goofed up.

I grew up seeing my grandparents every week, they were wonderful examples of what life and love were meant to be. I was blessed to have them around until I was into my 30s.

Living with your in-laws is not a true indication of how it feels to live here. You must feel smothered, but moving out of state would not be my first reaction. You need a home of your own in your own town. You just need room to breathe, right here near the people that love you.

Hi K., I remember when I lived out of state...I was happy, but I felt guilty about my children not getting to know my mom and the rest of the family...I moved back and it was hard getting ajusted living around family, but after awhile, everything was just fine, my children are now grown up and live out of state and I miss them terribly, but they love where they live...they were able to grow up with grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins, now all they have is each other and they seem ok with that...it's a hard decision to make, as where to live, but you should do whatever makes you and your hubby happy...with the internet and webcams..it's almost like being there...good luck in your decision...Jo

K.,
Just pray and trust God, you both will find the answer. However, the age of your children would be a determining factor. Ultimately, it is totally up to you and your family.

All the Best,
D.

You need to think about what is best for you immediate family. Is it causing a strain on your marriage? Yes, it is hard being away from grandparents but is it better for you as a couple??? We recently moved out of state from grandparents. Kids adjust very well. We have a web-cam so we can see each other whenever we want.