.How To Give Parenting Advice Without Offending.. CHILD NEGLECT...

If the hospital is concerned about her behavior, it may not be parenting, it may be medical/psychological. See if you can get her to communicate what's going on? She has 4 kids, hubby gets deployed, she may be exhausted or suffering from post partum depression - perhaps even a double bout as she has a 22 month and a 9 month old. I don't think advice really fits here - it seems like a deeper issue may need to be addressed.

If this incident didn't wake her up to the problem, I doubt that anything you say could make a difference.

Send a good parenting book and hope this latest incident will be a wake up call. Good lord does she sound clueless.

I'm being honest when I say that it sounds really self-important for you to think that she would value your opinion, or that you have any place to give one, when you don't live anywhere NEAR her, you don't observe their daily living, etc.

Do you not think that nearly losing her child would open her eyes way more than anything you could possibly have to say? She nearly lost her child, and now she has CPS to deal with for who knows how long.

If you want to alienate this family, then sure, go ahead and offer some advice. Just know it's probably not needed, it's definitely not welcome, and don't wonder why when they don't speak to you any more.

So sorry about what happened to your nephew. I hope she truly did learn her lesson. That is WAY too young to leave in a bath tub unsupervised!

I think you need to separate what you feel is right from what is necessary. I am assuming you are a child proofing, gates everywhere kind of mom. Your choice but not actually necessary. Children can be taught no at a young age, a two year old should know you don't eat whatever and you don't touch things unless you know they should be touched.

Yard work with your kids inside sleeping or even playing is fine...but she needs to check on them more often than every three hours, that is crazy! So looking at her yard work story instead of going you can't leave them alone inside!! causing her to ignore everything else you say because you come off as overprotective, go with don't you think you should check on them every fifteen minutes or so... That way she won't tune you out.

As far as the baby in the bathtub, nine months, waaayyyyy too young! Sure they can sit up, you can actually let go of them but walk away? Oh heck no!! So say, you now see what can happen, stay close! Nothing the other kids could possibly pull you away for could have put their lives in danger like leaving that baby did.

The problem that comes in when overprotective parents lecture underprotective parents is you are starting at two extremes. Find the middle, go from there.

Otherwise she is going to ignore everything you said and probably think you are annoying.

When I read your title, "How to give parenting advice without offending," my first thought was, "You can't."

This latest incident with the baby will most likely result in some changes in the house. If it doesn't, a chat from you isn't going to make any difference.

Well, like my grandmother always said: "God protects drunks and little kids."

Lord knows they're going to need it.

You MIGHT start a conversation about how terrified she might have been during the bathtub incident. And MAYBE you'll get a feel for where her head is at. Thank GOD CPS is involved. That's a good thing because unlike some opinions stated, CPS does NOT remove children from a home without good cause. I hope they continue to follow up with this family.

Oh my god.

(Do you mean "doesn't" properly supervise her kids?)

She left a 9 month old alone in a bathtub? Unbelievable. I assume these are your brother's kids? Why aren't you talking to him?

First, I would give my brother an earful. Something needs to be done to protect the kids, and it's up to him.

I wouldn't worry about offending anyone in this case, but I think ultimately it's your brother you need to go after.

Honestly... my first thought is that HER parenting ideas are none of YOUR business.

The examples you provided don't seem extreme to me. At times we all have to let the kiddos cry to get something done. And there are two different types of parents, laid back and helicopter. Maybe she's more laid back. As for the tub incident, accidents happen.

If you are truly worried about the kids then talking to her won't change a thing. Talk to CPS or a family member of theirs.

Maybe you should call CPS to give them a heads up that this is a pattern with her.

You can't give her any advice without offending her. It really doesn't sound like she's a bad parent. Yes, she does things differently than you, but who's to say that your way is the right way?

I am very sorry about your nephew. That is horrible. BUT accidents do happen. We are a society who likes to find someone/something to "blame" for everything. I've heard mothers on this site advising that if you have something to do, it is better to put baby in the crib so he/she won't get hurt. So she left them in the crib for a while after they woke up. It didn't hurt them and there is nothing criminal or horrible about it.

at this point who cares if she gets offended..kids safety is at stake. maybe she learned her lesson witht the tub? i'd tread lightly and see if she did before lecturing. if she doesnt take fault then i'd lecture.
also dont include kids going in another room alone and leaving kids unatteded in their safe cribs in your lecture...although i didnt do this, everyone has diferent parenting styles and they are not neglect. the tub is definitely neglect though

My baby is 19 months...I let her go up AND DOWN the stairs alone. She does fine.
I have done yard work while one of my children whines at me for the last hour. The yard work HAD to get done and sometimes kids just whine!
I have not left my baby in the tub. That was a pretty stupid mistake that she made. But, I have taken my newborn out (3 weeks) and had a horrible car accident that put him in the hospital for 2 months. Lots of people don't take their kids out when they are that new, but I did. Should I get blamed for that? I sure hope not! It was an ACCIDENT. I am sure that's what it was for your SIL. An accident. A horrifying, scary, probably never going to happen again, accident.
I don't think you have anything to say to her. She parents differently than you do, but that doesn't mean that she is a bad parent. CPS has decided that there is no action to be taken. Let her be.
L.

This is a tough question, but not intended to be rude in any way.

What is more important to you, the safety and perhaps lives of your nephews or your relationship with your sister in law?

M

Want to become an enemy to the family and to not be ever welcome in their home? If you do, call CPS.

If I found out or even suspected someone called CPS on me or my family, I'd NEVER have anything more to do with them. CPS is one of the worst invasions into the home our government has ever established. I've seen good families have their kids taken away and drunken drug using families keep their kids.

And its always at the whim of the case worker.

I hope you offer real help and not undermine the family with CPS. If the only help you are willing to offer is CPS, MYOB. Otherwise go and visit your brother and his family and teach her how important it is to watch over her kids.

You've heard the saying, "A friend in need is a friend in deed." If your brother and SIL is really a friend, then show your friendship by your deeds. (Go and visit and help. Don't just watch from a distance and be all talk and no action.)

Good luck to you and yours.

You might call CPS in her state and say that you know there is an investigation and you want to add some of your observations. You are worried that this is an ongoing pattern of neglect on her part and that next time a child might come to even more serious harm. Or worse. It's one thing to let a 2 yr old wander. It's another to allow a 9 month old to nearly drown. You say "SIL" so where is her husband? What does he have to say about this? Is there any chance she is also suffering some PPD?

Relate it to you. For example, you could say 'ya, know, SIL, you have to watch kids constantly. They are crazy and get into everything! I remember one time when I turned my back for just a minute and Tommy ate a penny, burned his hand, disappeared downstairs and threw flour all over the floor, got the guinea pig out of the cage, drew on the wall with markers, etc.'

But really, if almost having her child drown doesn't get through to her, nothing will.

Why not talk to the father of the children as well? Maybe that will help.

All the examples you gave are not worthy of you giving advice

The bath tub incident was a terrible terrible lapse of judgement on her part BUT don't you think she has learned her lesson?

Maybe you can say something light, such as; "I am so sorry that little Joey had to experience such a terrible thing, I pray that he or the other kids NEVER have to go thru that again, I sure have learned a lesson seeing what happened to your family".

I have to ask about their dad, where is he? How involved is he as a dad?

Some people do not learn good parenting skills from their own parents. Maybe to her this is "normal" or what her parents did. She has to unlearn the bad habits her parents possibly taught her and then learn how to parent correctly. She needs to learn that leaving her kids in the house while she is outside working in the yard is not good. She needs to learn to include the kids in what she is doing. She may just need an outdoor playpen for the little ones so she can watch them but still get her work done.

Hopefully the bathtub incident will be a wake-up call for both her and your brother. They both need to learn good parenting skills. They need to learn to include their children in their daily activities. And the children need to learn how to be part of a family. The state will probably step in and demand that they take parenting classes and go to councling. Hopefully the people running these classes and doing the counseling will know how to teach parents to be better parents.

Right now they are being bombarded by police, social workers and counselors all giving them advice and demanding to know what happened and how it happened. Talking to them at this moment in time will overwhelm them when what the need is moral support. Someone, your Mom or you for instance, may have to go to their home and stay for a while and help out. You need to find a way to talk to them so they will listen. I know for myself this is not easy. When it comes to the safety of children sometimes we want to yell or say something like " How could you be so stupid" and yet saying this will make them shut down and stop listening. You know your brother and sister-in-law better than anyone and you know what words will work as you speak to them. Start small and work up to the big things. Explain household routines and getting things done while raising the kids. Teach them how to include the kids in household chores and yardwork.
This is a tragedy that should never have happened but it did and now the best thing you can do is be supportive and understanding.

I would be willing to bet that the bathtub scare will accomplish this for you!

~If you still feel the need to have a talk with her I can't come up with a nice way for you to say "I don't think you pay enough attention to your kids"...b/c that is what you are basically saying.

Is there any chance you might be over-reacting? I mean you do not see them everyday and don't even live in the same state...are you sure you want to start this? I mean giving her some benefit of the doubt might be wise, she has managed to keep the 8 & 5 year olds alive for awhile now. Ya know what I mean?

Is this your "sister in law" as in, she's your brother's wife? Or is she your husband's sister? The relationship does matter. If she is your brother's wife, your place is to take this to your brother rather than to her. He may not be seeing that she is overwhelmed and/or needs parenting lessons (alongside him!). She may figure "I left the 8-year-old in the tub at that age, what's the problem?" and that's how the baby ended up in the hospital. You don't mention him at all in this posting which is worrying if he's your brother; he is ultimately just as responsible for the kids as she is, even if she is the one present. The law will hold him responsible too, and CPS will iinvestigate him too, so he needs to get on the ball here.

If she is your husband's sister, it's your husband's place to have this talk with her, or alternatively, to approach her husband with a "We're both dads here and I want to know if you need help?...." conversation.

It's good CPS is already on the radar here. I would want to know if CPS is going to do follow-up visits at any intervals or never again? Is CPS keeping them "on the books" for extra attention for any length of time? Not sure how you ask them that without their cutting you out of their lives, though. If not, there is not much else you can do other than offer -- without accusation or "we know better" comments -- your help with whatever they need.

This is a tough one because of the distance involved. But I do not agree with those who are hassling you in their replies. You don't come across to me as butting in or as acting like you know best. It is NOT merely "parenting differently" to leave your young kids unattended for three hours inside the house while you are where you cannot see or even hear them, and it is not merely "parenting differently" to leave a nine-month-old in the tub, and so on. You know in your gut that these parents are in trouble but you just can't see them enough to know how serious it is or isn't.

A heart to heart about what exactly? Unless you are wiling to move out by her or have her move near you and offer help, your involvement will only cause alienation. Think about it, if for some reason your child was left outside and she fell or hurt herself, would you really be receptive to someone telling you how you should watch your children? All women are different in their parenting and if you are a safety mom and she isn't, you can't really expect to teach her or speak to her on the subject, especially if you are no where near each other. CPS is already involved, she almost lost her child, I don't think she would want her sister-in-law to add to the madness she's living through already. There's no mention of a father? Is he not involved? If she is single with 4 kids, then that explains it doesn't it. She's overwhelmed. Before you speak of parenting children to another mother, think of the consequenses that can bring on to you......CPS may take them away, you may be having to take them on, she may leave them on your doorstep if you are such a great mom and she isn't. Tread very carefully here. Good luck.

If the follow up investigation from CPS and the advice they undoubtedly gave her doesn't make a difference, nothing will.
Sorry, I feel for you (and your nephews).
Good luck.

This is scary. I don't hover and I have let my kids be on different floors and up and down the stairs at two, but I've never left a child in a bath. That's a whole different ball park. That's one of those things that even the most laid back parents wouldn't really do, so I get your concern.

I do think this needs to be made clear to her, and it might help her wake up that she's had a big scare, but I honestly don't think you're the person for the job. Really, only immediate family should dare try that if they live close, participate in child care, and have sufficient cause for alarm. Can your brother handle it?

With you she can just say you don't live near her or know anything.

Sorry for the stress and the kids!

You can't give her advice without being offensive, but you can offer to help.

With 4 little one's every mom needs a break. If you aren't close enough to do it yourself, you could still pay for her to hire some help once a week.

What's your relationship like with her? Do you feel close enough to have this talk? Since some damage has been done, there is an opening for discussion. Maybe you can start by asking her how she's doing, how she's feeling in light of what's happening with her baby. She's still a parent and is likely afraid, so come at her from that angle. You don't want to be condescending, but you want to know what she's learned from this and how she will proceed in the care of her children. If she expresses that she wants to make some changes, then tell her that you wish that you were in a position to help out and then ask her if she'd like for you to brainstorm with her. You'll need an invitation to give your advice. Hopefully, this big scare will render it unnecessary.

Question: Did she tell you that she let them scream in bed for the last hour of her yardwork? Maybe when she tells you stuff like this, there's an opportunity for you to say things like, "Do they usually just stay put in bed when they wake, or are they climbing out at this point?" If you can really talk with her like this then maybe you can get inside her parenting style and learn what advice approach from you might work.

she left a 9m in the tub alone?

Now that there has been an incident, and even if CPS doesn't remove the kids, they will do follow ups.

Maybe she needs to have a helper come in the evenings?
Maybe she needs to take a 'parenting mulitples' class that gives you helpful tips on how to manage with kids so close in age. Approach it from a 'here to help' point of view, not a 'you're doing it wrong' point of view.

There are high school kids in our area that need 'community service points' as part of their graduation requirements. Helping out 2 hours in the evening would count towards their requirement, so its a win / win situation.