I could write a book about how this SIL makes me feel (and everyone else in the family - yes, it's been a topic on more than one occasion).
To sum her up: She is my age, has 5 kids (the youngest are almost two and twins, the oldest is 12), works full time, complains or brags about everything, knows everyone in 3 counties over and is a gossip queen. She was raised with parents who over spend for everything for status and have nothing. My brother works 60 - 80 hours a week and makes himself very scarce...lots of projects around the house. He has no patience for the kids and likes his beer (as does she). Pretty picture so far, eh? They became pregnant with the first after getting drunk and had a shotgun wedding. The others were also surprises and the twins were a total shock. They were pissed about being pregnant with each one. She FINALLY had her tubes tied. She farms her kids out constantly to whomever will take them. The twins spent a few weekends away from her (at some lady's house - not her mom's) within their first couple months of life, so she could sleep. They have probably have spent the night away from home a couple dozen times in the past almost 2 years of their lives.
They try to live the high life, but really come across as the WT they are (in my opinion of course). Besides her constant lies and pot stirring with the family, she is one of the worst mothers I have ever seen. They have no common sense of what is age appropriate for kids (gas powered four wheeler given to 3 year old - broken arm in 10 minutes; new laptop for 7 year old; 9 year old can color her hair; bow and arrow for 12 year old - no instructions or training). She bragged over TDay that they didn't have bday parties for the two girls this year because they were too busy - no party, no presents until my brother bought the 7 year old a bike several weeks later. Gave the 12 year old boy a party and $1200 bow and arrow set.
Ok- the question. How do I keep from losing my cool with her? I'm tired of watching her kids do very dangerous things (like let the almost 2 year old boy jump from the coffee table- hit his head on the hardwood floors - she barely gets off her butt and says, "he's ok" before she even checked him and then SHOOK him playfully toward his sister to get him to laugh - let the baby twins climb the stairs with balloons in their arms --very steep stairs; let the baby girls STAND on folding chairs and says, "she's ok" when I tell baby girl to sit; let the twins wander around in the pitch black in a wooded area near a fire pit -while she and my brother sit and drink beer; make a tree house 20 feet off the ground without walls; allow the kids to wander freely on the property with a pond - made fun of the 6 year old at the time when she said she was scared to go outside in the snow because she didn't know where the pond was; allowed her 3 year old at the time to shower/bathe by herself in the house BY HERSELF - mom was outside working on one of her projects)
I can't stand this woman (she has back stabbed me more times than I can count) and this lack of parenting is KILLING me. Do I address it? Do I just bite my tongue off? I can't call CPS, they haven't crossed any serious lines that I know of. I didn't talk to her for over a year (when I finally learned her true colors) and now we are living close again where we will see them about once a month. I can't boycott any family get togethers. The rest of my family feels the same way. My other SIL and I have decided to try to give the kids more attention and love, but what about the safety issues??? I'm afraid one of these sweet kids are going to get killed, and they still won't get it.
Maybe this was more of a vent....sorry.
I think I just needed a minute of "you're not the crazy one, here."
We live 2 hours away (on purpose). No other family members babysit. I have 3 brothers, only one other is married with children. That SIL is the one I referred to above. My mom is gone and my dad has his own issues.
The older two (12 year old boy and 9 year old girl) do watch out for the twins. They are better parents than the parents. I watched the 9 year old put one of the twins in time out. Seriously.
I've taught elementary and know when to call CPS, and yes, my eyes are wide open. I have no problem calling WHEN it is time. They just skate along the gray areas.
My brother doesn't see any problem with any of this. 10 years ago, he would have listened. Now, no way. They enjoy their social status way too much, kids tie them down.
We lived out of state for 6 years and now that we are "home" we make the effort to get together for the family birthdays and holidays. That is almost once a month with the kids' birthdays - IF they decide their kid is worth it. The rest of my family lives in a 10 mile radius. I've visited my other SIL and not this bunch UNLESS it is a family birthday/holiday.
I haven't decompressed from TDay with my other SIL because it is just SOOOO much. She feels the same way. We compare notes to make sure we saw/heard everything, but try not to let it consume us.
And yeah, the kids watch whatever they want, whenever they want. The 7 year old cusses people out and it's funny. UGH. So done with this. I don't want my kids around this, but I want them to know who their cousins are, too. T
ADDED: I also agree that my brother is to blame, but it is her mouth that puts her in the lead. My brother leaves for work at 5:30 and gets home around 9:30 (or so I've been told). I would be happy to take all 5 kids, but it would never happen. She gets off on being "super mom" on Facebook. They never wanted kids (straight out of her mouth in FRONT of her kids). We struggled with infertility for 6 years. I'd take any kid, any time. Period. I just have to decide what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it. I've been to world war 3 with her and my brother and am trying to mend fences, and am trying to visit with them for the first time in a little over a year. Nothing has changed. It's just worse now that they have these babies. My youngest is 3 months younger than the twins and it's hard not to compare the amout of supervision. AND, the rest of the family watches the kids' safety while we are altogether at family events. I think they count on it or just don't see the need. ---- I couldn't call CPS about the unsupervised bath because I was technically in the house at the time and I can't swear it happens all the time, although I'm sure it does/did.
I would ignore the SIL but keep in as much contact with the kids as you can. The kids definatly need some stability in thier lives and it sounds like you can give it to them. While spending time with them you can teach them common sense where thier parents are lacking. Atleast if the older kids are aware they can keep an eye out for the younger ones. I think that about all you can do as far as safety for the kids.
Stop biting your tongue.
I personally think that if more people would actually stand up and say something when they see incorrect behavior, there would be less of that behavior to correct.
Your SIL might be a selfish snot, but that's not the fault of those kids. Speak up. If she and your brother are soooo concerned with what others think of them, perhaps the judgment and opinions of others might make a difference. But those opinions need to be made overtly apparent.
You keep from losing your mind by not stressing over it. You can't change them nor can you control what they do or say.
If you have the opportunity - have the kids to your place - yeah - they may end up taking advantage of it - but at least the kids would have some stability and love in their lives.
Other than that? Stay out of it. You can say "I told you so" a 1000 times - but until they have their "light bulb moment" - then there is NOTHING you can do or say.
If you honestly feel the kids are in danger - call CPS - but keep in mind the chaos that will cause in doing so. ONLY do this if you truly feel the kids are in danger and neglected. Would you be willing to take them in if CPS determined they were unfit parents? Consequences of actions...
You can't stress over what you can't control. Personally, if the kids are at my house, I'd lay down my rules (and pray and pray and pray that they take some of my discipline home with them!!)... I would have told the parents to grow the effe up a long time ago... but that's just me. If everyone in the family starts to decline babysitting for them and then they're actually left with their own kids for extended periods of time, I think they'll slowly (hopefully!) start to get the picture. I'd also make sure I was close to the 12 year old, since they can kind of keep an eye on things and let you know if something is really, really wrong.
This is a serious situation yet you are somewhat limited on what you can do about it since they are not your kids. I can sort of relate to how you feel as I have a sister who would allow her kids (now 13, 17 and 19) to watch R rated movies, comedy shows that cursed and talked details about sex acts, get piercings, you name it! As soon as me or another sister says something about their disrespectful behavior she gets upsets and she boycots family get togethers. I'm also product of home where my mom would leave us at home while she partied.
In 6th grade I had to feed my then infant sister every 4 hours. I knew how to heat her bottle on the stove and test the milk to make sure it wasn't too hot for her. But I also had loving aunts who were there for me and my 3 sisters. One in particulr who would call and once finding out we were home alone would drive 40 minutes to pick us up. She and I are very close today. When she moved away years ago it was hard for me to adjust to her not being there. Very grateful she lives only 20 minutes away now. When I got my period at age 9, it was that same aunt who helped me and explained the birds/bees to me.
Basically, be as much of that loving aunt as you can be. Those kids will grow up and thank you for it. No one likes to discipline or step in to address kids' doing things they shouldn't be doing when the parents are sitting right there! You may have to become creative in how you address things like that so that the kids are safe and she's not in your face or saying something stupid like "oh she's ok" when clearly it's unsafe.
Oh, the free ranging kid woman....you posted about her before and I agreed that kids + pond = bad idea.
There are times when I call kids on their behavior. In my home? Certainly. "Jack, we don't jump on the couch in this house. Please sit on the furniture." If the whole family feels the same way, maybe you all look out for the kids at family events. "Oh, twins, let me carry your balloons for you. It's safer that way." Or "Kids, all of you, you cannot run through the kitchen. We are cooking here and you can get hurt."
You are right that one day their inattention is likely to have really awful consequences. :(
Edit to add that you can tell the 7 yr old that he can't cuss people out and it isn't funny. That's not acceptable in your home, period. Put HIM in time out. Years ago, we had a friend of SS's get upset when we would not let him play Grand Theft Auto at a party. The answer was no, because we didn't allow that game. If he did not put his game back in his bag, DH firmly but calmly said he would take it and the kid would get it back only when his father came to get him. Mr. Tough Guy backed down and had a fun time with other games. I think that your nephew can learn what isn't going to fly in your home, and he probably needs an adult to guide him. You also need to weigh your kids' needs with the fact that they are family. Not all relatives are good for the soul, you know? I have a cousin I can't stand and we had to play together as kids. I hated it. We just weren't similar people and she's still a liar and manipulator. There may come a time where your kids ask to stop hanging out with him, and you shouldn't push it.
That the older kids parent the younger ones is telling. Their parents have bailed emotionally. :(
Stay away from them?
And why does it seem like the wife is getting all the blame?
I think I would let her know that I do not like her by NOT entertaining her foolishness and calling her on it everytime, escp if I have the back up of the family! She could not call me on the phone and chit chat if all she does is gossip because I would tell her that I did not want to hear that and let's talk about how your son jumped off the dresser and how that could have been a serious accident. I would also spend time with the children in my enviroment and teach them as much as I can at a time.
Added: I have to add that If you make her mad as I suggested she may stop you from seeing her family, so that may not be the best thing to do. Like other posters have said it mayb best to stay out of it.
I totally agree with One and Done and Cheryl O: keep your ire on the down low and understand that intervening might mean you will get far more time with your brother's kiddos than you were bargaining on. (and a furious brother and SIL to boot)
Years ago, one of my siblings wasn't doing so well. It was (and at times, is still) difficult to watch the parenting going on at their house. We came to the same conclusions as suggested: reinforcing the rules of *our* own house when necessary and otherwise, biting my tongue. We reinforce the rules so that our kid knows that the rules apply to everyone, otherwise, we have to let the parents be in charge of their own kids. It's too bad-- it would be different if it were like some of the better relationships, where the parents all help each other out and parent all the kids together. It sounds like your SIL doesn't want that, so take care of you and yours. It's all you can really do unless an incident comes up which warrants a CPS call. Use your good judgment... Sorry. I know it can be terribly stressful and frustrating to be around.
Ugh.
Tough to watch, and live with, I'm sure.
Every family's got O..
The thing is, if she's not breaking any rules, etc. what can you really do?
*Minimize contact
*Enforce your rules in your own house & on your own property
*You know she lies. Fact check if it's information that may affect you...otherwise....ignore her.
Failure to have a child who has had a head injury examined by a doctor is called neglect. Your SIL and brother are drunks. That is enough for an intervention by children's services.
A few visits for the state will help them learn what is a parent's duty. Best do it before on or another child winds up in a wheel chair.
If you feel as if you must hold your tongue, but can't cope with them (I say "them" because it's ALSO your brother, not just his wife) any longer, then you really have to remove yourself from the situation. See them only when it's unavoidable. Don't babysit. No one is making your watch their children.
And I'll be honest and blunt here: If they are not disciplining their children on top of barely being safety conscious, then are they really kids that you want your own kids growing up with? You say you want your kids to "know their cousins" yet they're pretty wild, free range kids.
You didn't once say if the family is happy... only how much you disapprove of them. So again I say you have to limit your exposure to them if you can't hold your tongue. If you decide to say something, make sure it comes across as coming from a place of concern and not as a criticism of their parenting. "I'm concerned because I noticed _____ when Kylielynn-Rose goes out to play even though she's only six years old, and I was hoping that maybe she could _____. I was wondering what you think of that?" Otherwise neither your brother or sister-in-law will hear you.
I blame your brother for leaving his wife alone with five kids and not caring about his own children. If your SIL really doesnt want to be a parent she would LOVE to have you offer to take the twins or the seven yr old (and encourage other family members to take in a child) IF you REALLY care about these kids you will offer to take in one or two kids. Yes, they'll be split up but you'll make sure they get together a lot, and it would be good for the older ones to not have to parent so much. Start by asking for a nice 2 week visit and then ask to extend it. Keep extending it till everyone is used to the arrangement. Yes it will be hard work for you, and cost you money, and it isnt fair to you. but it takes a village, and the village should be family. Either that or call CPS a lot. Leaving a three yr old in a bath tub and going outside warrants a call to CPS
If they weren't related to you, would you want to spend time with them or let your kids play with them? If the answer is no, then that is the same answer for you now. If "family" is not good for you, then don't spend time with them. I wouldn't want my kids growing up with kids who act terrible because the parents are idiots. It doesn't matter if they are related or not. They aren't your problem to worry about. Someday if they pull their lives together, or the kids grow up to be decent somehow, maybe then you can get to know them. And Yes, I know family is important, but, not when they hurt you or make you feel the way this family does to you.
