How to Get over it....when Other People Let You Down...

I think everything you are describing is common, and none of it means people are mistreating you. You should never take Facebook comments, or lack thereof, seriously. People are busy, that's why they don't comment. And people at work usually just fall under the category of acquaintances, no matter how much you like them or get along with them while you are at work.

Is it possible you are suffering from a lack of real friends? I suggest you join a group where people have things in common with you, (with or without hubby) and you will develop real friendships.

Sometimes it's not that people are not so into you, they are just not into Facebook (and some people might be trying to cut back as a New Year's resolution thing).
I don't get on there for months at a time.
Friends email me or call me if they want my attention.
How about you take a yoga class or art class or join a book group so you can really get out and meet people outside of work?
Being friendly is always a risk.
But you keep trying and if someone uses you or is rude, then you don't fall for it a second time with that person.

I don't find anything you say here unusual. High school and college friends drift away, work is not a place I've ever made real friends (with only one exception), FB is not a reflection of reality.

It isn't easy to make good friends. I'm an introvert and am comfortable doing things by myself. But I was feeling lonely sometimes. I reached out to a mom that I knew, she introduced me to some other moms she knew, and now I have a group of women friends for the first time in my life (I'm 50). It takes work to make and keep real friends. I sometimes do favors that I don't feel like doing, go to gatherings when I might rather stay home, but it's worth the effort in the end.

From your post, it sounds like you are putting your effort into the wrong people. Go looking for people who have more in common with you right now, not from the past, and not by accident of employment.

i don't know how old you are but when i was younger, like in hs and college, i really felt popular and accepted (not with the "in" crowd, but i always had lots of friends and acquaintances, and an active social life). as i got older, my naivete started revealing itself. people are NOT going to always be there for you. life happens. your story of your bff is just like mine. we drifted apart and i felt i was always the one chasing her down. it hurt. but eventually i let it go. same with lots of old friends. and sometimes fb is not a great judge of popularity, don't forget. it's the holidays, many people are wrapped up in their own lives. not to mention a health scare like that is scary...some people may not have known what to say. but to be depressed because you didn't get the responses you wanted, first, says that you might have posted it for the wrong reasons (recently there was a question on here about people who post things JUST to get a response - you don't want to be that person, do you?) and S., that you are placing too much of your self-worth on what others think of you. i mentioned your age, because i see a younger me in you. sometimes i think we just have to get to a point that we realize, what others say or do or think just doesn't matter. we have to stand on our own two feet and find our self worth within, and within our family that should now be our priority.

i don't say this to encourage you to say screw 'em all - but in the end i realized that trying to keep people close is often futile. i have better things to spend my energy on. quite honestly, my best friend is my mother. i am happy with it that way. i have acquaintances and i am friends with people at work - but i would never rely on them for my emotional well being. my family is my rock, my husband and son are who i go to when life gets me down. spending time with them has taken the place of being "popular". i think it's a natural progression, even if it can hurt at first to realize it.

Like others here have commented, you can't go by facebook. Some people aren't on it as often as you are, or may never see it because of what fb let's them see.

As far as friends drifting apart, been there, big time. I don't really have any friends at all. I have 2 co workers that are a good 10 + years older than myself and are both going through divorces, so it's hard for me to truly connect. They are in such a different place in their lives.

The thing I try to do is just meet people through others and see if I make any connections. The few friends we do have, I try not to blow off when we are invited out or if they are throwing a party.

Do you have one or two friends currently, and are just looking to expand? or are you completely solo? If you are solo, maybe try and join a once a week, or even month class that you are interested in and see if you hit it off with anyone there. Chances are, if you are both interested in that hobby or activity, you can find more in common.

Good Luck! Keep your chin up, things arent always as bad as they seem.

I know this may be a tough patch right now. While I am on FB I don't always see everyone's post. I am not on there consisitently so I could definitely miss important updates. So cut some slack for people there.

I am sorry you are feeling bad. I can understand where you are coming from. If we want to have friends we also have to accept their faults and flaws. All you can do is be who you are and do what you do best. You're a giving and kind person. No matter what you do there will be those who just don't reciprocate. So you have a decision to make. Either continue the friendhip or back off a bit an focus on more healthy people who genuinley want a relationship with you.

I am glad your DH is doing much better. For the future if you need prayer and support or encouragement send and email or group text so everyone is in the loop. Hugs and best wishes for 2012

Okay, I am going to give this to you straight up....from a fellow doormat. I do things because it is in my nature, however it does not mean that everyone I do things for is going to appreciate them in the same way THEREFORE, I CANNOT EXPECT THE SAME REACTION I WOULD GIVE OR THE SAME THANKS.

I deal w/self-centered people all of the time, I'm related to a majority of them, and if I expected a post of a comment everytime something major was going on in my life healthwise btwn my husband's cancer or my daughter's surgeries, guess what.......I'D DIE WAITING.

Do what you want because you feel good doing it, try not to take it to heart that people don't have the decency to even acknowledge the fact that you are going out of your way for them or whatever. I'm 42 yrs old & I have told my husband so many times that I'm done doing for people and he just laughs b/c you know what, I'll never stop. It's just a part of who I am, he tells me all of the time that I can't afford my heart, but I can learn how to afford how to protect it. It doesn't make us bad people not to always do for people or to say "no" when we know it's not reciprocated, but do it b/c you want to, not b/c you feel you have to. It's people like us that keep this world a good place :)

Facebook is so screwed up right now with all the improvements they are doing. Your friends may not have even gotten the post.

Just keep posting about things.

Sometimes I don't take time to respond to my friends posts either. I see they are okay and go on, I may only have 5 minutes and want to just breeze over everything.

I think you need to drop the expectation that people will act as you do. I have been guilty of this at times too. Realize you may end up with only one or two or at times no really close friends. People are busy and hence have less time to socialize or "click". Maybe you could seek out people with similar interest by joining a group (book club, gym, knitting club....that sort of thing) Even volunteering or taking a class through your local rec department mainly to keep yourself occupied with the side benefit of maybe, not guaranteed) meeting people who are of like mind and will reciprocate your friendship.

Like others have stated Facebook is wierd right now. The fairly recent changes made it so you only see some of peoples posts unless you change the settings not only to your specific relationship to them but also to your feed. I had also somehow made my default so my posts were seen by "only me" Not sure why THAT is an option but yep, I somehow found it. LOL, just thought my posts were filtered out for being boring, thought maybe I needed to add topical "keywords" to my posts or something ;-).

All in all though, you have to become comfortable with who you are, not let yourself become a "doormat" as you say in an everchanging world that doesn't value the nicities and common courtesies that some of us do. Finding a balance I suppose.

I would rather not have that person as a friend then be a doormat for the sake of having a friend....I went through a similar situation a while ago where a friend of mine kept dropping off her kid to play said it would be for an hour turned out to be 5 or 6 hours, then her husband tried to pull the same thing. It kept happening so I mentioned something and they got all pissed off. It wasnt like they wanted to be friends or wanted our kids to be friends they just wanted a free babysitter. Yeah, I was used.

Facebook is bad for certain people. It feeds insecurities unnecessarily. You are reading too much into it. Some people don't comment, some people mean to & forget, some don't even log on much. It's not a reflection of real life, IMO. There's nothing more to it, so stop over analyzing so much. If you are the type of person that needs lots of validation, you will always set yourself up for a fall.

Also, when you have expectations of what you think others should be doing, or how they should be responding, you also set yourself up for disappointment. If you are going to do something nice for someone, do it because you want to. Now, if that person doesn't seem appreciative, then you learn from your mistakes & move on.

I get what you're saying, to a certain extent. I used to be "too nice", as well. Now I'm still nice, but I realize that I can't control others & actions or reactions. I cannot place my happiness or self esteem in someone else's hands, and I don't.

T.:

I am sooo sorry!!!

Facebook is hosed. I will admit that I have over 3K friends and my home page can look like a one-armed bandit with all the posts I get. So I miss things too. I have to make a concentrated effort to go to people's pages and LOOK.

I wish you lived near me. We could go out and have fun!!

As to the people who disappoint you? I would look for a new group of friends. Your college friend? Drop her. She doesn't deserve your attention. So find a group of people that have hobbies that you life - or even bowling or a Bible Study group - these will be people who you have things to talk about and become close with.

I understand about your husband's health scare. I missed responding to that post. Your AC went out at the same time too. URGH!!! So how many times on here have you heard me say "breathe. take a deep breathe and slowly let it out"? please do that.

Get involved in a pilates or yoga group - or even curves so that you can drop the sedentary lifestyle. Get your husband out of the house - take a walk after dinner. Get him off the couch or out from in front of the computer.

Do NOT allow people to treat you poorly. If they do. Walk away. It's OKAY to tell people - I don't like how you are treating me. OR I deserve to be treated better. Some people just don't see themselves and how they treat others. They **THINK** it's okay when no one stops their behavior. They **THINK** it's okay to be rude or treat others poorly - but THEY do not see it that way....they don't have a problem with what they are doing - until someone calls them on the carpet for it...so be the person to say "ENOUGH"! I deserve better!!

I can't speak to the specific situation with your BFF, but here is one thing that happens on FB...

I play a BUNCH of games on FB, and have friends from all over the world I've added because of games.. (yeah, I know that may not be a good idea, but I do it anyway. Sometimes I do know things about them... I am cautious about who I add, and if I see posts of the nature that I don't like, I unfriend them.) Anyway, my feed is full of game posts, and despite checking that I want the personal news type posts, I don't see that many of them.

My point? She (or others) just may not be seeing the personal posts, because of all the game spam. I try not to take it personally if I've put up a status about health and family and no one sees it, because I know what I see on my feed.....

It sounds like you were brought up well and now have wonderful personal traits. Unfortunately, not everyone is like you. Sometimes it isn't even a matter of upbringing because I have witnessed this within my own family, to my surprise.

It is pretty uncommon for people to send thank you notes lately. They don't even send out invitations, it is the new thing. They text or FB. While some of us are offended, some are perfectly okay with it.

As well, people talk less and less with online communication taking over. While working the other day, I called a young man and his voice message said some pretty rude things followed by, why are you even calling leave a text message. Really, that is what it has come to. My nieces don't ever answer my calls, but they will answer a text message. And they never call me or text me. From what I hear they don't call or text their mother either. On the other hand, my daughter and I communicate with a text or phone call daily. I also have some clients, usually the younger generation who do all of our business communications on text. The verbal communication is nearly out the window.

To share some of my personal let downs...my cousin. She plays a lot of games and sometimes you are not sure you are the victim of her BS, but you think so. Well, she finally did a few things that rubbed me the wrong way and I just stopped talking to her, because if you confront her, she will deny it. So now she sends me group text messages. You know this because everyone's comments show up on your phone, even the people you don't know. So I don't responded. Now she is asking my husband, rather than call me, why I won't answer her texts. It disturbs me why she cannot send a personal message to me and why she would think I should respond to her mass message. I send her daughter my daughters clothes and I don't receive any type of acknowledgement. I do this at church and I see her on Sundays...when I see her on Sundays, I usually don't get any more than a hello, if that. Why can't she talk????

Here's another. After my mother had surgery to remove her cancer I called my childhood friend. I wanted to let her know my mother was okay, as we had already called her mother when my mom was out of surgery. She spent the entire phone time talking about herself and then said she had to hang up to get ready for dinner with her best best friend. I never got to tell her my mother was okay. This was 3 years ago now mid January...she never called back.

So I totally understand it is upsetting, but don't let it bother you too much. Many people are like that now. Maybe there are issues we don't understand, such as the possibility of depression.

Keep doing what you do because you sound like a very good person. Don't allow this to change you.

Also, someone on here once wrote that an average friendship lasts 7 years. Perhaps both your college friendship and my cousin and childhood friend are just over. I guess we both just have to move on and find new friends.

Well, unfortunately this happens to lots of people, all the time. I am not saying it is OK, because it is not. But you cannot change people, and make them treat you any differently than they do. Some people are just jerks, and only think of themselves. Just consider yourself a cut above them, in the considerate to others department, and go on with your life. You will spend your whole life weeding through the people in your life that deserve to have you in your life, and the people that are jerks, and you would rather not have them in your life. When we have kids, that is the way we teach them to have friends. Those that treat you right, and do the right thing, keep them. Those that don't, stay away from them. It's just that way with us adults too, and it still hurts sometimes too. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Yeah Facebook is really messed up now. I miss stuff from my friends all the time. Not because I want to but because facebook doesnt even post them. And sometimes there are so much game stuff that you miss it also. Very annoyed with facebook right now. I think you are feeling the blues and the friends are making it worse. You need to stop depending on others. Find things you like to do wether its a computer game or painting class. And just go do it. I take it your husband doesn't want to do anythjing either? Don't be like I can't do this because Ihave no one to do it with. Just go do it by yourself and once you start enjoying your own stuff others will appear. Its the old sayiing the more you need something the less likely you are to get it. I remember one of the things I had to face and do on my own when I was younger was go to the movies by my self. Which I did. It was aturning point I started doing other things on my own and guess what I started to make friends

Hi T.,

Lucky is right. FB is not the best way to communicate. Maybe your BFF from college didn't read her news feed that day and missed it. If something really important is going on that you want a specific person to know about, send them a PM or give them a call. Nowadays, people are too wrapped up in social media and it's such an impersonal way to communicate. While on one hand, it's been a blessing for me because I've been able to connect with relatives that I haven't seen in years, and wouldn't otherwise ever talk to, it's also been a curse because it's created a gap in relationships where we used to talk on the phone and now everything is all on FB.

Keep doing what you're doing, and try to lower your expectations of others a little bit. That way you won't be disappointed.

I have the same problem, I have often been let down by others...if you're too accommodating, they know that you'll always be there so they don't try as hard with you as they might with others. It's not right, but it's human nature...it's kind of like how people treat their friends better than family...you know your family will always be there (most of the time).

I have often been in the same situation, especially with my DD's friends and moms, we do a lot and they don't give back. But you have to assess the situation, is it worth your energy to hang on to the friendship, or should you let it go. Only you can decide...either that or see it for what it is...other people have busy lives and don't always make the time.

Also, many people have never been taught proper manners or etiquette. My mother always taught be about thank you notes, and the right way to treat people. Many other people never got this from parents...our society has become very lax almost to the point of rudeness. Perhaps you can set a good example for them. You need to be able to look yourself in the mirror...that's what I tell myself.

I would not feel bad that not many people have responded on your facebook page. I'm someone who does not always comment because I want to wait and tell them in person or give them a call. I also may go a few days without checking it. I'm actually strongly leaning towards just closing my account all together for the New Year so I stop wasting time on it, I think I was happier before facebook. I would just continue being who you are, which is a nice person who treats others well and maybe lower your expectations of others just a bit.

Unfortunately, you're not going to ever be appreciated by all that you you give too, that's just how it is..You're not a doormat, you are just doing what any other decent person would do, buy birthday gifts for people, are there for them when they need you, help them out in a pinch etc..You have to take chances on people; just don't keep extending yourself to those who don't thank you or reciprocate when you need them. Maybe your friends on f.b. weren't on for a few days and didn't see your post...What I do, when I don't get a thanks is contact them asking if they got it..That way, you get your thank you and they feel like a jerk..

I'm a bit older than you are. But I have run into the same thing many times. I don't make friends easily, but when I do it takes alot to get between us. I have known by best frend and his wife since 1990. There are times that we go months between phone calls but the conversation picks up right where we left off as if it's only been minutes. But if we need someone to talk to we know that we can call at anytime of the day or night.

6 years ago we moved to Florida and over time I thought I had found another best friend (you can never have too many). She was there to offer my husband support when I had a major heart attack 3 years ago. During the past year something has changed for her and I understand that. But I think she has only told me part of it. In November when I saw my cardiologist for a regular follow up appt and she sent me for a nuclear stress test. And didnot like the results so she wanted to do another cardiac cath. Of course after we got home from that appt. my first reaction was to call my 2 friends that have been there for me. The first one was still at work. When I called to tell the second one she stunned my before I could finish telling her what was going on. She cut me off to tell that I was just being hardheaded and stubborn. There were a few other things said and because of them she does not know that I sat in the Drs. office and cried because I was scared, she also does not know that the Dr found another blockage. She has criticized every decision I have made in the last 18 months. When I had to call an ambulance for my husband she told me that she thought I was crazy for having them take him to the hospital 3 miles away rather than take him to the one with a better reputation 20 miles away. She could not understand that when he started having a hard time breathing I wanted him in the closest hospital.

I have never insulted her or criticzed her for her choices. Not even the time she signed her self out of the CCU and went home. I always listen and try to be sympathetic. When she had a few health problems over the time we have known each other I have called to check on her, offered to run errands for her. I've taken her a few meals. We've had her over to our house for cook-outs.

All of this led to my New Year's Resolution and I don't make those lightly, most years I don't make one. The one for this year is that any further contact with this one friend will be initiated by her, I will not be the one making the call.

A friend posted this on FB a few days ago and it fit the way I feel about this so well that I shared it with other friends.

"Sometimes, when you give up on someone it's not because you don't care anymore, but because you realize they don't."