How Do You Deal with the Busiest Person in the World?

I have 3 SIL's. If I tried to work around all of their schedules, we'd never do ANYTHING.

We simply plan things and send out the invites. If they can't come, oh well. If they can, yay.

Don't get so wrapped up in trying to please everyone. Just do what you can do and let THEM rearrange their schedules if it's important enough for them to attend.

I'm sorry, but even the President of the United States made time to see his daughter's soccer game. She isn't THAT busy. She just thinks she's the center of the universe.

Something tells me that if you tell her the photo date is this date, be there or be Photoshopped in or excluded entirely, her plans will miraculously change and she'll make it.

Stop accommodating her. Plan what works for the majority and tough cookies if it doesn't suit her schedule.

I think many people think they are the busiest people in the world: they do not have time to call back, they do not have time to fill in the RSVP, they cannot say "HI" or wave, they cannot attend to any party or gathering because they are TOO BUSY....and...I still cannot believe that happens in this world overloaded of technology and ways of communication (e-mail, phone, smart phones, blackberries, etc....) I just do not count on them, and I do not change my plans for them, anymore.

My husband is extremely busy. I have given my family permission to not always take his schedule into account when planning parties/gatherings. For a few years we tried to manage working with his schedule, but it was just too difficult. Now everyone makes their plans, and if he is free, WONDERFUL, but if not, life goes on.

He has learned to keep important dates open (like Memorial Day weekend, which is our anniversary weekend); Christmas, Thanksgiving, our kids' birthdays, etc., but pretty much everything else is generally understood that he won't be able to come unless he magically happens to be free that day.

So, my suggestion is to no longer plan around her tight schedule. Let her know THIS is the day that works for most people. If it works for her too, that is great, but if not, she will be missed.

Perhaps she needs to miss out on a few of these very important celebrations first before she realizes that family events are passing her by. I'm not sure what else to say. It is completely reasonable to expect to be able to find a date four months out that will work for everyone. Maybe after the festivities go on w/out her she will realize that sometimes things need to be shifted around in order to make priorities for those that are important in our lives.

Just plan a date/time.
If she can't make it, then oh well!
Too, bad.

She is selfish.
Simple as that.

The world, cannot go according to her.
She is too busy, for everyone else.

Don't try to nail her down.
She can, if she wants to.
She won't.
Simple as that.

Just plan a date/time.
And if she can't make it, then to bad.
It is... HER LESSON... to learn.
And she has not learned it, yet.

Now, just a story:
My late Dad, was very ill and sick for several years before he died.
My sibling... was SOOOOOOOOOO busy, and sure, she has an important job and has a very lofty position in her career and is very successful and many people look up to her and she has TONS to do, everyday.
But... she could not, make time... to spend time with my Dad. She was always, too busy.
NO one, could knock any sense into her. Or she'd get irked and pissed off, when we tried to tell her, to make time for him.
Then, one day he died.
And only AFTER he died... did she realize.... that she was wrong... for being too "busy" to make time for him, while he was still alive.

Some people, will not learn.
And, it is not your "job" to teach your SIL that lesson.
Just go about your life and plans and schedules, and that's it.
And your SIL will still always be too busy, for it.
Too bad.
She cannot... hold EVERYONE hostage, and she cannot expect everyone... to put their lives and events on hold... just, for, her.
Your SIL... is very selfish, to put it politely.
She is not, above everyone else.
No matter what she does in life.

Just STOP, catering to her.
And it is her Husband's role, to put his foot down too.
If he even can or cares to.
And she, controls, him.

Just stop it. And stop catering to her.
She is not nice.

Some people, are always... just... too.... busy... for anyone else... except themselves.
Your SIL, is this way.
Stop being her doormat.
Talk is cheap, and doesn't mean anything, unless a person actually cares.
Your SIL is very, selfish.
I would not admire her.

Just STOP... running things by her.

*ETA: and just STOP... making excuses, for... her.
Your SIL is controlling you and your entire, family.
Why is she so admired?
Why is she, more important than all of you?

Just stop. If a gathering isn't important to her, that's on her. She's a grown woman who is capable of choosing how to spend her time. She is very clearly communicating that what is important to you isn't as important to her. That may be hurtful to you, but it is what it is.

In some of my relationships, I'm like your SIL. My husband's dad and wife live out of state so we of course make time for them when they're here but for the rest of the family...we've learned to say no to gatherings that aren't major holidays and even turn down some major holidays. We have 4 kids, we both work FT and have other commitments. Cousin so-and-so's birthday party isn't something we can make time for. I'm sure it comes across as obnoxious but it is what it is and we definitely don't expect people to cater to us.

For the gift for your mom, I think you should talk to your brother. You mom is his mom too and for this, I think he should step up and say "this is important, move something else in the schedule."

I agree with B and for this picture, skip her and certainly her daughter. Just get a time your brother can be in it. He is likely more important to your mother. And maybe when your SIL hears it's going ahead without her, she'll change one of her other committments.

No one is that busy, somewhere in there rudeness comes in.

Why are you making these events about the SIL's availability. If she can't make it, oh well. That doesn't decrease the importance of the fun of the event. She just can't make it. You can not build your schedule of events around the schedule of someone who is way too busy. Throw out the date and if she comes, she comes. If not...........then she misses out. It sounds as if you want her more involved in these events than she really wants to be. Manage your own calendar of events. Life will be so much easier for you.

The way you deal with it is by NOT dealing with it.
Outside of major holidays, we plan events we are hosting based on what works for us.
Of course we invite everyone we can, and we hope that most people can make it, but if they can't, oh well, that's on THEM. If they miss out, they miss out. We go on with our lives and are appreciative and thankful for those that have the interest and desire to spend time and celebrate special times with us.

You write, "What is your advice for handling these types of situations with my SIL and niece without putting additional strain on the relationships?"

Why are you so concerned about their feelings or strain on the relationships? I get no idea from the post that THEY feel any strain or have any concerns about your feelings. Your kindness is a good thing, and one should never descend to their level and say "Well, if they're rude and thoughtless, I'll be rude and thoughtless" -- but SIL is indeed both rude and thoughtless. You seem to want this relationship with her to be warmer than it is. But as the saying goes: She isn't that into you. Or the rest of her family. If you asked her she would of course gush about how family comes first, but her actions would belie the words.

So set your schedules, give her dates well in advance, and when she says, "I can't make that date, we have to reschedule it," just say with a big smile, "I'm so sorry but that's the date that EVERYONE else can make and the event/photo session/dinner/party/whatever is already booked. If you can't reschedule to make it, we sure will miss you, and maybe next time you can make it." Then: Change. The. Subject.

I wonder where your brother is in all this? He has to run his entire life by her? He cannot go anywhere or see his family without her along? How does he ever see your mother, for heaven's sake? Does SIL have to be in his presence for him to go see mom? Just tell him directly. Who cares if he thinks it's "weird"? Tell him you're inviting HIM and if she can make it great but if she cannot-- he is still invited, solo. Don't raise the idea of "because she never says yes and makes us all jump through hoops." Just say, "You're all invited, and if Sally can't make that date, we would really like YOU to come."

You are nice to want your whole family together for these things but that's not your reality; why not enjoy the family you do see, rather than trying to "complete" some ideal family by including someone who does not care enough about being included to make any effort?

stop over accomidating her schedule,. if she really wanted to attend things she would make sure to be availbale or atleast give you a few dates to pick from.

We generally pick a date that works around my moms schedule since she is a nurse and works every other weekend and whoever can come comes and if not we catch you next time. most people make an effort and come that are not self absorbed...with that said everyone has their flaws, try not to hate her or be mad J. dont revolve your plans around her

i'm sorry but she simply doesn't think it's worth the effort to go. your mom just doesn't matter enough to her. no matter how "great" she is. time to face facts. she doesn't think you (or the family) is quite as "great" as you think she is.

We dealt with this for years...we finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't important to my SIL. Sometimes we want people more than they want to be a part of our lives. Time to start scheduling stuff when it works best for your immediate family. Don't wait until it makes you mad, you don't want to cause a huge separation in your family over this. We had it happen over planning Christmas, we never missed an event for their children, however when we had kids of our own, they planned the Christmas get-together without us and informed us of the date. We couldn't make it because it fell on my grandpa's birthday. They didn't care or apologize for not asking us before setting the date. It was a real eye-opener. Don't let it make you feel bad, they can get pics on their own and just get a big frame or something to be included. Try reading the boundaries book. They have good boundaries and priorities, don't let them run your life or your calendar. Some people like being put up on a pedestal and having people jump thru hoops for them. Stop asking after rejection #1. Let them drive the relationship and you will find out how they feel about you. Brace yourself and start enjoying your peace!!! We still love them, but our relationship looks different than what I had expected with us having cousins. It is very freeing but different than my expectation. Good luck! Xoxo

If it were me, the only conclusion that I would draw from this long pattern of behavior is that SHE DOESN'T CARE.

We make time for stuff we care about, period. She may not even be conscious of her own feelings but that's no excuse.

I also wonder if you're taking on the responsibility of keeping your brother "in the fold" so-to-speak, when it comes to your mom. It's not your job to do that.

I would drop the big picture and do photos of my own family. If she asks me why I would tell her, politely, that "we couldn't get a date out of you guys and we had to have the pics done by X date."

I would stop trying to corral my brother and SIL, and focus on my own family. I think it's time to see the writing on the wall.

JMO.

Make the plans. If they miss out, maybe they'll try harder next time.

ETA: Seems to be a theme today.

You know, many posters may be right; she may be selfish. But maybe she isn't. I usually err on the side of believing others are not selfish, rude, or a-holes. They're not me. I'm not them. We have NO WAY of knowing exactly what goes on in another person's life, heart or head.

There are tons of possible reasons your SILs lives this way that have *nothing* to do with not caring. If her schedule IS overwhelming (for whatever reason) she may be *thrilled* if you make plans and tell her it would be great IF she can make it - and let it go. If she thinks you'll set this around her, but you can't, and she misses it, like I said above, this may prompt her to try harder. And if she REALLY is selfish, and she really doesn't care, that's not something you can do anything about.

Good luck to you!

I strongly suggest dealing with this in two ways:boundaries and prioritization.

Decide what it is that she really MUST be present for; if so, then do work with her. And then, do what you need to do and accept the fact that she's not willing/capable of making other time commitments.

Regarding the pictures: I'd put it back on their plate: I'd like to get us all together for the pics; could you and daughter come up with 2/3 available times and get back to us by X? I would appreciate that.

And if she makes it obnoxiously difficult, go forward with a family picture of your family. Just be direct (not confrontational) and let SIL/bro know "since it's not working out for all of us to get together for the family picture this time, we've decided to do X -- just wanted to give you a head's up."

In the future, only make gift plans with your immediate family; do not worry about taking on their 'stuff'. It was a nice idea, but you just can't make people like this do anything that they refuse to prioritize too.

She sounds like a queen. Give her the date and time. If she can't make it, then, oh well for now.

I suggest that you stop trying to plan around her schedule. You've been doing that and it doesn't work. Yes, ask her before you set a date, choose a date and stick with it. Don't keep dealing with her schedule. Give her one brief chance to be involved in the choice. If it causes strain on your relationship, then deal with the strain. Change always causes some stress. What is important is accepting that this is the way your sister is and make plans that work for the rest of you.

Don't take this the wrong way, because she's not "right" here, but you may be driving her nuts trying so hard to get her to be able to attend too. She may just want you to drop it when she can't make it, setting up sort of a vicious cycle making her even more resistant and stubborn.... Once you start not caring, she'll try harder to attend.

Most people make plans, and if someone -EVEN a relative-can't come, they can't come. You don't keep trying to pin them down. I've had some very important friends/family of mine miss big dates of mine-but they were legitimately busy. Oh well. Sometime I have to miss stuff. It's life. If one of these people was ALWAYS too busy for me, then I wouldn't regard them as a high priority of mine either.

I have a glimpse of this dynamic from the other side from a christening my ex husband's best friend (lady he worked with in record store 20 years ago and has known ever since) wanted him to go to because she dubbed him "godfather" to her child. She was going through me about the big deal christening (none of my kids had one so it was hard to "get" how "important" it was..) because my ex was always traveling and I was the family planner. The christening was out of state and would have entailed plane tickets-which I know isn't the same as your situation, but made it "not important" to me, because if our family was going to spend a fortune to buy plane tickets and haul a newborn out of state on one of my ex's rare breaks from work-it would not be to their christening if you know what I mean. So anyway, NO SWEAT because it was set for a date when my ex would be out of the country so I let her know we could not come. So we were off the hook right? NOPE. She KEPT contacting me with other dates and scenarios trying so hard for a time when we could go because my ex was the kid's "godfather". Well, my ex was travelling for months at the time, so she was trying to book it months ahead in an area were we could drive 11 hours to see their family rather than fly to Florida..in the end she left it ON ME (for her kid's christening??!!) , like, "OK, you tell me when you guys can come, and we'll have it then"...AAAAGGGGGHHHH I just wanted to scream, "MAKE YOUR PLANS AND LEAVE US ALONE WE'LL COME IF WE CAN OR NOT!!!!"

So anyway, on a much smaller scale, your SIL is used to you trying so hard to get her to do stuff. Just stop. Be OK with her not coming. She's busy. She's the center of the world. She isn't making family a priority. Whatever. She'll make time when she has to. If she's not in the mother's day picture-her loss! You can't live like this, constantly trying to get her in on stuff.

Give her a date that you will be taking your pictures, and tell her you hope she can make it. Tell her daughter too. Then do it! If they aren't in the pictures, maybe they will feel bad about it, and realize how asinine (sp?) their rejection of your plans are. And BTW, she isn't as busy, as she is controlling.

I'm busy, work full time, 2 kids, volunteer at both schools, the works. After work and kids activities, family 'obligations' are next. It's hard for friends to pin me down, but I can generally work something out. Sometimes we have to give one thing up for another, but almost always, family comes first, even if it's inconvenient.
Your SILs 'busy schedule' reminds me of how I react to the grandmother of a girl my daughter goes to preschool with. She is insistent the girls become lifelong BFFs, (even though we won't run in the same circles at all after preschool...well, unless she has something to do with it) and wants hubs and I over for bbqs, wants to set up play dates once a week, has switched gymnastics to our time when she found out when we go, and are almost considering switching schools to drive her 40 min away to go to the school we've chosen. When she asks when we are free, I sound like your SIL. The reality is that I do not have any desire to *make* the time for them. I can probably reprioritize and find the time if a family thing comes up, or something with a good friend...it's all about your priorities. I agree with the posters: set a date and if they can make it, great, if not, then that's a choice for them to make.

Set the date. If she wants to be in the picture, she will show up. End of story. You can't cater to these people.
LBC

Just pick a date and stick with it...stop catering to her...I believe she may be thriving on this...If the picture means that much to her she'll figure out how to be there..Good luck

Try a couple times to accommodate the whole family....not just her.

Then go with the date that fits the majority's schedule.

Once she misses a few then she will see she is not that important to make everyone bend to her over scheduled calendar.

She is not busy...she is over scheduled. We are all busy ;)

Try not to let this get to you. You all are the ones that are letting her run your events,activities and family time. I understand you want the entire family there...I get that. I have been in your shoes many times. I had to let it go...and just make plans and whoever showed up would have a wonderful time...and the others would be dearly missed.

As for the family picture gift. I love the idea. But it may just need to be a photo shoot with you,your husband and your kiddos if the SIL&family can't settle on a day and time. Give her a deadline.

Say "Hi sis...I have booked such and such day and time. We would love to have you all there. IT would make mom's day to have an entire family photo. But, I understand you have a crazy schedule. If you can't make it then we will just go ahead with my own family and maybe you can make it for the next time we do it." Be super nice but stern that this is your final decision.

You all have bent too much. Don't get angry at her that she is doing what is best for her own little family. Don't get angry that you have kind of created a cycle of her getting to call the shots. It is time to do what is best for the whole group..not the ones making it difficult.

Good luck and best wishes. Your mother will love whatever photo she gets and love your effort. She fully understands what you are dealing with and will understand if it is missing family members.

The only schedules we plan around are ours. We set dates for parties, give those dates to family. If they can come great if not too bad. Stop accommodating her. Set the date for the photos, if she is not available I would say "I'm sorry but this is the date its a shame you aren't available. Maybe next time". Move on.

If she says anything about this change in attitude, I would be honest and say "it is very difficult to plan around your schedule and our schedule is just as important so we are going with what works for us." I wouldn't say it nasty but matter of fact. Smile and walk away.

Some people just don't have the same value on family as others. Its unfortunate but true.

Set a date and time, tell your brother when it is, and kindly "suggest" that he and his boys should at least be there. If she and her daughter can make it ... that's great ... if not then that's on them.

She's booked 6 months ahead of time? Unless she's a wedding photographer or cake maker or caterer (or something along those lines where booking that far in advance is common) then I just have a hard time believing there isn't SOMETHING she could reschedule if her husband's family were important to her.

Stop keeping this in. Stop allowing her to be more important than anyone else. Tell your brother it is extremely sad she cant find the time to do this one thing for your mother. Do not pussy foot around it. Tell him they are not prioritizing well, that one day your mother will be gone and they will wish they bothered. Then tell him the date and say goodbye see you there. If they want to reschedule the photo shoot, THEY must be the ones to actually RESCHEDULE the shoot. After the photo shoot, just give up they do not have time for family. if they have young kids, always offer to go get the kids for family parties etc (if at all possible) hopefully you can help the children to have their priorities in place.

Sorry for her rudeness. I ditto @Kristen - she thinks she's a queen. I see it as you and your family are not on her "A" list, therefore she doesn't put you and your plans first. Definitely stop planning around her schedule. It's not worth your time anymore to spin your wheels.

If she gets an attitude when she's never available and not present, she can learn to be more flexible. But I doubt she will. There are other "people, things or activities" that sound more important to her.

Good luck!

Talk to your brother. Ask if he and the kids can be there and she can join later or not be there.

For whatever reason she doesn't want to attend family events. If she did she would be there.

Just plan the events. She either shows or she doesn't.

I am missing the issue....

I am thinking a family picture with out her or your niece would be fitting. It might even stir a bit of angst. Well deserved.

One should never want something for your kid more than they do.
I think this tried and true saying is appropriate here.

It sounds like she (and her daughter, and your brother) are just not that into the rest of the family.
If I bent over backward to accommodate someone - repeatedly - only to have them dodge it, duck out and/or not show up - I'd just stop.
I'm willing to make them a priority but only if they reciprocate - and you (and the rest of the family) are SO far down on her list of priorities you don't even rate an occasional tick mark on her calendar.
OK! FINE! You know what?
She's living the life she wants and you have to assume she's happy with it.
So it's time to do what makes you happy - and that means you need to stop trying to involve her where she so obviously has no desire to be involved.
You'll be less frustrated, and she probably won't even notice the lack of invitations.
Everyone will get use to her not being around - she's largely absent already.
So why bother.
It's time to mentally bid her (and your brother) a fond farewell.
When/if she wants to get together - she knows where you are.
Let her call YOU for a change - I wouldn't hold my breath - it could be YEARS before she looks up your phone number.
If she ever does - then you'll have to see if you can fit her in to YOUR busy schedule.

How frustrating. I think you should not try to plan things around her. Just plan it for what works for the most people and if she cannot come that's just the way it is. Don't take it personally. Don't expect her to come. She obviously does not find family events and all getting together as important as you do. If she did she could plan one herself. Stop trying to be so considerate of her!

I would simply stop planning around her schedule. She can participate if she wants. If she doesn't choose to make time, I guess these things are just not that important to her. Your brother SHOULD participate in these family things whether or not his wife chooses to.

No longer schedule around her.. Say, we are having such and such on this date, hope you can make it..

To keep living your life based on someone else's schedule only builds resentment.... and resentment will only add anger into the situation...

Believe me, I used to do exactly what you are doing in the hopes of having that special gathering.. Then one day I woke up and got tired of running around trying to make plans based on someone else's life schedule.. In fact, I began to value MY own time ..

I figure.. Hey, you wanna join in.. so be it, if not.. your loss... look , if someone really wants to make the time, in many cases they will.

In the same way that you think she has a right to live her life, begin living yours... Put your immediate family first.. with or without your SIL...

In the same way that perhaps her intention is not personal..... yours isn't either... the lesson here I think is......... Let go of what you can't change.. and you can't change her. but you CAN change your perspective... and own actions.. live for you..

I am super busy. I work full time, have two kids, plus do a lot of volunteering and occasionally some wedding work (flowers). My family knows that my schedule is crazy. They either schedule things on a certain day and are very understanding if I am late or absent or they ask me to pick from 2-3 choices of dates. If I pick the date, I work very hard not to schedule anything else at that time. If it is absolutely unavoidable, I call and let them know and APOLOGIZE for inconveniencing anyone. Having a busy schedule is understandable. Choosing not to acknowledge that you are inconveniencing others by selecting the date and not showing up is just rude.

Um, instead of you proposing date after date that doesn't work for her, why not ask her to propose dates and the rest of you choose from those dates that she picked?

Obviously that's only for really important stuff - I would put the picture in this category. Otherwise, if you are having a party (birthday, holiday, whatever), you pick a date and invite her. She RSVPs yes or no. No hard feelings on either side, regardless of whether or not she can come.

Well she can't be the busiest in the world...I hold that title! JKing...I am busy. If a date doesn't work for me it doesn't work. I always. sorry can't make that but don't change plans. or I will see what I can do...there are usually ways around it. Sometimes I have to miss things and my husband stands in or vice versa.

If it's important to her husband and kids she should make time. If she doesn't you cannot fret over her decision. If she's not in the picture it's her who looks like the bad guy!

I haven't read any of your answers yet. the picture thing just may not happen. I admire that you're trying to get everyone together. Your sister has a choice, she can be included or not. I'm sure that not everything she does is a life or death situation so she SHOULD be able to re-arrange something for important things like baby showers & Mom's bday.

My advice for you would be to plan whatever you need to (kids' birthday parties, family get-togethers, etc) and simply inform her of the where/when. "I'm having DH's birthday celebration on Friday, June X at X time - hope you can make it." and leave it at that. If you try to work around her schedule and she still isn't making an effort to attend, then she just doesn't care that much.

Yep I would stop accommodating her. Tell her the time and place and if it's important to her, she'll make it. She's not worried about changing her schedules because everyone IS so accommodating to her. As far as pictures go - tell her she and her hubby and daughter can go on their own and get them done and leave it at that. You are trying too hard and getting no thanks. So sorry!

Pick a coup,e of dates. If she cannot make it, so be it. That goes for anything. That is so obnoxious on her part.

Hi, Agent:

What is the reason that you all try to accommodate her or others?

Life doesn't wait for someone's schedule. God has His schedule and we
abide by it whether we are ready or not.

When someone can't make a sacrifice for the family, he/she doesn't have the group's interest at heart, only his/her own wants come first.

Have you thought about telling the person what the plans are and ask what is good for him/her. If it doesn't suit your time schedule, apologize that it isn't working for you and move on.

Maybe you need to attend co-dependence support group meetings.

www.coda.org

Good luck.
D.

Stop trying to plan around her. Just make your plans, invite her, and then if she can't make it - oh well. Accept it and have a good time.

If she's not the one asking you to go out of your way and try to suit her, then honestly, she isn't the one creating the problem. It seems like this is more about what you want to happen, vs trying to accommodate someone that is impossible.