Birthday Party vs Ex's Wedding.

First, let me say how sorry I am that you've been put in this position. As I often find, this answer may be kinda long. Don't take the first part as a rebuke to YOU, but just something for "people out there" who would like to answer off the cuff, ok? There's a lot more to this than initial gut reaction, and I think that Juli B answered this one best for your future and the child. As one with a son who is MOST important to me, I would be tempted to answer like the others, but there are repercusions to that, that may cause more trouble later. Don't get annoyances off your chest by saying something that could hurt your son-that's what margaritas and friends are for. And you don't want to say "your dad chose this on your day" or anything like it...children get put in the middle of things and draw their own painful conclusions on their own as they witness selfish acts from absent dads; he won't need to hear something hurtful like that, even if it's true.
As for the party vs. wedding: for one thing, who makes a giant "to do" for anniversaries, unless it's like a 10th, 50th, etc? So you don't have to worry about future birthdays being overshadowed by it. (And honestly, if your ex is this selfish, the marriage may not last that long anyway). Now think that if it was his fiance that got this stuff together already, it IS technically more difficult to get wedding things arranged than for a child's party. I would make sure that your son gets to take an active part in the wedding: getting to dress up in a little suit and looking like a little man, being in something so important as his dad's wedding, taking a bunch of pictures of him before the wedding, etc can let him feel important, which could be an extension of his birthday celebration----birthdays are about making someone feel special, and hopefully doing something special you don't get to do often. I think it's possible to do both wedding and party in one day, but your son is also pretty young still and may get exhausted (and cranky?).
My humble suggestion would be to try and move the party up to the weekend BEFORE the wedding, or the day after the wedding. That way he gets to do 2 cool things, and he's so important that his services and presence are "needed" at this special wedding. That's how I would spin it. Does he have a best friend that could spend the night on Friday, (watch a favorite movie, set up a tent in the living room, play some games) and you could fix a special breakfast Saturday am(candle in a blueberry muffin, green eggs and ham, or mickey mouse shaped pancakes, something novel)? I'm just thinking if he has fun doing something simple before the wedding to say "hey, this is your day" then the wedding would be fun for him. Then you've either had a real party the weekend before to remember (maybe get the pictures developed and look at them over breakfast before getting ready for the wedding) or you've got the real party the next day to look forward to. I know some people may think you're pandering to your husband, but sometimes you have to do things that annoy you to be a good parent and protect your child's feelings. All is not lost. There's lots of possibilities; you've just got to get on the phone and try to make arrangements. Work with your ex so that he'll work with you too. If you need other ideas, message me.

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HHMM!!! Some people are not thinking straight. Really, why make this so difficult for your son? Just change his birthday party. I am sure his dad did not do this on purpose. But, I don't think you should really try to focus on following the legal visitation from now on. It may do you well in the future.

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OK - this is a hard one. Is it possible to do both? How far in advance is it? Have you already sent invites? Is it Dad's weekend according to the schedule? From a legal standpoint, even after all your flexibility, dad could try to enforce his weekend on that weekend and if you deny himl it could be a problem legally. Bottom line is this situation sucks. The best advice is to once again compromise to keep peace - yes, you are the stronger one but that's what moms tend to do for their kids. The kiddo will be less hurt by re-scheduling the party than having his parents fight. Studies show that conflict between parents is the biggest problem for kids. Let me know if there are more facts and I'll try to advise at least from a legal standpoint. J. D., attorney

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This is a difficult but if it were me I would reschedule the birthday party. I think it's important for him to be at his father's wedding. His father may not have realized the wedding was going to be on the same day as the party (unless of course your son's actual birthday is on the Saturday that you're having the party!). Also, his fiancee may have scheduled the wedding date not knowing it was her future stepson's birthday. Also, doesn't his father want to come to the birthday party too?

Yes, it's frustrating and I would be really mad too. But it will make such a difference in your son's life if he is able to be involved with his dad and if you can all get along. I am stepmother to an 18 and 19 year old. I married their father when they were 5 & 6. We also have never followed standard visitation due to living in another state but their mother has been very gracious on letting them visit pretty much whenever we'd like. There were a few years there were arguments about X-mas and Thanksgiving. However, because of her belief that we could all be a happy family we are now very close. We have vacationed together for years now and stay at each other's houses 1-2 times a year.

Good luck with everything!
C.

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First, your ex has not handled this in the appropriate way. I"m sure he had his wedding planned for a while, and for him to give you the date of the wedding after you planned your son's b-day party is inconsiderate. However, it's harder to move a wedding than to move a birthday party and in an effort to keep the peice, you should move the party. I would calmly explain to him that you are dissappointed that he waited to tell you the date of the wedding, knowing it could interfere with your son's party, but that you are going to reschedule the party. If there are any fees involved with rescheduling, I would talk to your ex about him paying those fees since this is for his convenience.

At 5, your son probably doesn't have a great grasp of time, so if you tell him that his party is in 3 weeks (instead of 2), he probably won't "get" it. You can also tell him it's after dad's wedding if that helps him get the concept of the timing of his party.

Your other concern, that the anniversary will overshadow your child's birthday, is probably only slightly valid. My hubby and I are married and our anniversay is something for "us", but is usually just another day. However, if he and his new wife choose to go on a trip for their anniversary and miss your son's birthday every year, I can understand where that would cause problems...another thing to mention to your ex. Just that you are going to change the party, but that you hope that he will realized that with his anniversary and your son's birthday at roughly the same time, you won't be working around his anniversary every year to plan your son's birthday and that you hope he makes attending your son's party a priority.

I know it's upsetting that he was inconsiderate, there is not doubt that this was an inconsiderate act, but in the big scheme of things, do you want to fight over the date of the party/wedding? I know with my own kids I've had their birthday parties on weekends regardless of if it's their "real" birthday or not!

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I personally would Not reschedule your son's bday party. That was EXTREMELY SELFISH on your ex's part by scheduling his wedding on your son's bday. He knew that was your son's bday and scheduled it anyway. I would not jump or go out of your way for your ex. I would plan it as scheduled and he can get your son afterwards.
Just my 2 cents.

Hope this helps.
M.

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I ditto April C./Stacey M./Erika B.'s advice.

It was suggested that you reschedule the B-day party for the weekend before. Make sure the ex- knows that you are having to do this due to poor communication between the two of you.

To address a break-down in communication in my family, I am in the process of creating a family yahoo email account where we all know the password and where we all can ADD events to the calendar - - my scattered kids and ex-hubbie can all come and check the calendar for upcoming important dates, i.e. home games for our Senior defensive-end football player, spring graduation dates for our Senior in high school AND Sr. student in college, etc.!!!

Kids don't carry around a DayRunner planner, so your 5-year-old won't care if his party isn't on the exact date of his birth. He only cares about where, what kind of cake, and who's coming!! Have him draw a picture of the kind of cake he wants! (My kids loved doing that!) I loved the suggestion from April C. about having a special friend over for a spend-the-night on the night before the wedding, with a out-of-the-ordinary B-day breakfast that morning.

And, when your son is turning 15, his father MIGHT be planning a 10th anniversary trip to Jamaica or the British Virgin Islands. What better B-day present could he get for his son than sign up for father-son scuba lessons beforehand and take him to the islands WITH!!!

Take deep breaths. Smile. Turn obstacles and chaos into opportunities to elevate your BODY - MIND - SPIRIT!!

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If the party/wedding falls on a weekend that your divorce decree says your ex should have him, then reschedule the party. I understand that you don't normally follow the visitation schedule, but that would give him the legal right to that weekend. If not, then continue with your plans.
It is selfish of him and not fair to your little one. In the future, make him be more responsible for the visits, transportation. Unfortunately, he might lose interest all together. Either way, don't blame yourself as the children always figure out the truth as they get older.

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That is a tough one. You are put in a difficult position any way you handle it. Either you disappoint your child and reschedule his birthday party or you create an unfortunate problem with your ex, potentially affecting future custody and visitation issues. Is the wedding being held in the Metroplex? If so, if the wedding is in the late afternoon or at night, I would still plan the party for the morning or vice versa. If the wedding is in the morning or early afternoon, I would hold the party in the late afternoon or early morning.

Whatever you do, you don't want to make your little boy feel like he is a pawn in this situation. This is his father. You might not want to rock the boat either since you don't know what your ex's future involvement regarding custody might be. With a new wife will he want your son to visit more or less? If he does decide to take a lesser role in your son's life, your son will always have memories from being in his wedding. If he decides to take a more active role, you want to be on good terms with your ex. Just trying to point out possible future difficulties that could develop.

On another note, I do think it is incredibly selfish of your ex-husband to plan a wedding on his son's birthday. When a child is young, a birthday is a huge deal. Heck, I am in my 30's and still protect my birthday like it is a national holiday! You cannot control your ex's insensitive behavior, but you can try to minimize the effect it will have on your son and his big day.

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I have no experience in this arena as a mother, only as a child who was a product of divorce.

I do disagree with almost all the advice that you should continue with the party. I DO agree that it would make you feel better to say SCREW HIM with that sort of thing, but in the long run, if you reschedule the party, your son will see that you are the bigger person. You don't have to cancel, so his looking forward to it won't be impacted at all...continue with the same party a different day.

It may be YEARS from now, but he (your son) will see the truth. Do not berate his father, speak negatively, just do your thing, continue to be the better person, even if that is inconvenient and forces you to continue to take your son for visitations, etc. Your son will know who was there for him, who cared for him enough to make sure he had some kind of relationship with his father and will appreciate it. Don't sink to his level by forcing your poor son to choose his own party or his dad's wedding. That is something he will feel bad about himself for.

Good luck. It sounds like you have a real piece of work with that ex, and I wish you the best. Keep doing what you are doing and for the same reasons. You are taking care of your son and his best interests...that's your job and you are doing it well....keep it up.

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To me the dad is in the wrong. He knew when his sons birthday was before he scheduled his wedding. He should have talked to you first. You are right to go on with the party. Your son is what is most important. Obviously his dad is only thinking of himself. Maybe your son can go to the wedding/reception after his party is over.

You are talking about a child and if your EX really care anything about his son he will be the one to change dates so he need to grow up and act like a man and a father. Dont change your sons birtday party like you said he was really excited and had been talking about it so stick to your plans

P.

why can't you do both? party in the morning, wedding in the evening?

I definately would not change the party, perhaps you may want to work out a time change, if it works for you, but if not I would leave things as planned. I understand that you don't want your DS caught in the middle but if things get ugly I would make sure that he knows it wasn't you choosing a wedding over his beloved b-day party. JMO and I hope that everything is planned to his little hearts desire-we are celebrating a 5th b-day this weekend, I know how important it is. :)

No I do not think you should change your son birthday party for his dad's party. Because the man should of had common sence to know his son birthday. before he agreed to his wedding date.

What kind of wedding is your ex having? It can be very difficult to get a date that works for everyone; people usually want Sat or Sun, and the venues (and other hired help) can fill up fast on those days. There may be friends and relatives who have to come from out of town, and key people such as the bridesmaids have to be available on the date. It's a whole lot harder to reschedule the typical wedding than it is a birthday; you can really get boxed into having to do it on a certain date, or rescheduling for months later. In that case, it would be a lot easier to have the birthday party on a different date. As kids get in grade school, it's not always possible to have the party on the actual birthday, and I don't see this as a big deal--and don't recall any of my kids making a big deal out of it. Now, if the wedding is just a small "go before the judge" deal with no particular venue and not many people involved, I would imagine that your ex could have chosen a little better. Either way, it would be nice ot have a little better communication & planning from your ex.

I am glad to see you are not changing the birthday party. I've got two words for your child's father:

GROW. UP.

Couldn't wait to get married? Excuse me? Lame. And if I were the woman who he was about to marry, if I knew he was scheduling the wedding the same day as his child's birthday party, I'd probably dump his butt. As an adult, it's all about priorities. You apparently have the correct ones and he doesn't. You just keep moving forward, and you and your son will flourish.

No. YOu should not re-schedule. Your ex should have taken into account that his son's birthday was on that day and should have picked another day.

I know that you reached your decision, and I agree with it. I wanted to just tell you that it would be a good idea if you stopped caring so much what your ex thought...of you or anything else. Who care if he thinks your a B****.(he's supposed to, your the ex-wife!). You know, there's nothing wrong with saying "If you want to see your son, then you need to come and get him." I just think your kind of catering to him. My ex was very controling when we were married and liked to use guilt to get his way...you just have to learn to say "that's not my problem." One day he will realize that you have changed and that he's going to have to make an effort from now on. I know you might think "but if I don't take him to see him, he wont see him"...well, there's the guilt coming in. It will only take a couple of times before your ex gets the message.
I wish you luck! My kids are teenagers now and they laugh @ how lazy there dad is sometimes about that stuff. They turned out fine.

Don't let your ex walk all over you! That boy comes first! Your ex knew it was his son's b-day and planned the wedding anyway!? How inconsiderate! He can change his wedding plans. I have been in a very similar situation and all I can say is that my kids come first. On a normal day I have changed plans for him or his family to see the girls but not on their birthdays. They can have them after their parties but I won't change those types of plans. Stand your ground on this one (imo)!

Hi,

I ditto Elaine P. =) I read her response and the responses she agreed with and feel that there was good advice there.

You're an awesome mom! If I had your situation, I would have done things exactly the same way... when I was married to my ex, they had a joint custody arrangement that had visitations split in the middle of a custody week. It was crazy difficult for his daughter and we ended up working together with his ex wife to fix it for his daughter's benefit. We do what we need to for our children's best interest. YOU'RE AWESOME for being flexible enough to allow your son to have that relationship. I do believe that he'll appreciate your efforts later as well. Keep doing what you're doing. You're a terrific mom!

This is the only thing you should rearrange it for. He is being a jerk to plan it that day in the first place, but you can not change him. Just change it and move on. Your son will not remember.

Your son's well-being is much more important. If you think it would be best for your son to miss the wedding and keep the party then I wouldn't change it. Well, actually, I wouldn't change if you paid me but that's b/c I am burning mad just reading this post. What a @#$% your ex is! He needs to start being concerned with his precious son. Good luck sweetie!

I would DEFINITELY NOT reschedule the birthday party! As you said, and should be obvious, the father knows the date of his son's birth. He should have more considerate of that when they were making wedding plans. A 5 year old should not be put-off; that is most important here. The father will use that date every year to make notice of his anniversary, and overshadow his own son's special day. In the future, he may ask you to reschedule anotbher birthday party because he and wifey have scheduled a trip to celebrate their anniversary, and they won't be able to make it to the party. I would stand firm on my decision NOT to change the party date!!!!!!

Bottom line - this is when to take the high road rather than throw gasoline on a brush fire, or use a 5-year-old as a manipulation tool between you and your ex (even if your ex already has, maybe!).
Since your ex won't think of your son first, you will have to. Make sure he has a big day to himself, uninterrupted by other distractions he doesn't understand, then let him attend the wedding, as that will be crucial in understanding his dad and step-mother's relationship.

I have two step sons that are 19 and 17. I have been in their lives since they were 9 and 11. Their mom is really like a favorite aunt. She just wants to be there for the fun stuff. I would recommend you change the birthday party ...either to a different time or different day. It isn't about the ex...it is about your son and promoting his involvement with his dad. Believe me ...it will pay off in the future. He will know what kind of father he has and what kind of mother he has...

You need to keep your plans the way they are!!! Your ex will get over it sooner or later. Your son is much more important and if he has been looking forward to his birthday party for this long it will be really hard on him to have to reschedule it. Your ex should have been more understanding. It seems pretty clear where his priorities lie, and it does not seem to be with your son.

I see you have already received a lot of responses, but the one I read seem so angry. Yes your ex and his bride-to-be were wrong to schedule their wedding on his son's birthday. But it's done and we all know how much goes into a wedding. It would be much easier to reschedule the birthday party. I agree with the suggestion to make the party the weekend before the wedding that way your son comes first. (and his father can't say he won't be there due to the honeymoon.) But I would make the father pay any expenses that occur due to the change. Also I would suggest Dad make a point to thank his son for "sharing" his birthday with them. As far as future birthdays, with the exception of the first anniversary, it shouldn't be a big deal. Anniversaries are really only celebrated by the couple, in my family anyway. After the honeymoon I would explain to the father and step-mom that things that they do which involve your son, need to be discussed with you in advance. Try to keep your chin up and take the higher ground, for your son. Someone needs to be the mature adult. Good Luck

Just FYI - when I have had to have my boys parties on a different day, for whatever reason, I always keep a few gifts aside for him to open on the actual birthday. I will usually make cupcakes or cookies to have also. (but not another big cake, my hips can't take it, haha.)

Your ex is being very, very childish and selfish. Why would he want to get married within days of his "son's" birthday. He should have it a least a couple of weeks from his birthday so that it doesn't take away from your son's special day not only this year but every year!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep your son's party and "don't reschedule".

I think it's a little weird and inconsiderate that your Ex gave you such short notice when the wedding is, but maybe it was planned on short notice. In this situation, I think you really need to think about your son - afterall, it is his Dad and I'm sure that your son would not want to miss his Dad's wedding.

Personally, I would reschedule your son's party to a different day if possible. We rarely have our kids' birthday parties on their actual birthday. It might even be fun for your son because maybe you (or his Dad) could do something special for your son on his actual birthdate and then have your son's party on a different day.

Another thing you need to realize is that the dynamics of your son's relationship is soon going to change with his Dad (re)marrying. Show your son that you want him to accept his Dad's new family by allowing him to be part of his Dad's special day.

I really do not think there is any way that your Ex's new anniversary will overshadow your son's birthday.

I have been divorced from my oldest son's Dad for almost 10 years. My Ex has very poor planning - he brings up events at the last second often. If it is something important to my Ex (someone's birthday in his family, some special family or friends in town), I usually let him go, even if it means changing plans our family has already made. But for normal visitation, I'm not as flexible. My ex knows when he is supposed to have our son, so my ex needs to work his schedule so that he can see him. Yes, sometimes it really ticks me off when we have to change our family's plans at the last second, but I have to realize that my ex is very important to my son.

In this case the father who is getting married the same day as the son's birthday...it just poor judgement or lack of on his part. Not only will the anniversary fall on the same day as the birthday @ 5 but for the rest of your son's life...The dad, if he cares for his own son, which to me he would be spending alot more time with to begin with...should have thought of that, however if the invitations for the wedding have already gone out, there is not much you can do anyway. But I would have your son's birthday party as planned & the absent-minded father will just have to remember this for the rest of his married life (however long that will be, since he obviously did not commit to the marriage you two had). Your son deserves better! It appears to me that your EX is only concerned about himself all the way around and this is not something you want to encourage or allow to effect your son. I hope his Birthday party is everything your son wants & more!

Oh boy oh boy...#1 - did you ex ever tell you that he wanted your son at his wedding? Don't 'kinda figure' and NEVER assume that's what he wants - if he didn't voice that, I would ask him if he wants his son at his wedding and if he laughs and says 'of course', just say, 'you never told me what time YOU were you going to pick him up on that day and how long will he be over there (really ask these questions! Puts him on the spot and you will see his true intentions) #2 - could you have the party in the late morning, early afternoon if he's to be at the wedding? #3 - what are YOU doing taking your son over to his father? The father should be the one making this effort! You are catering to your ex's 'rules' just like him TELLING you to reschedule your son's birthday party, then rudely hanging up on you - That's ZERO respect to you and it's reflecting back to how he treats his son (and new wife) Sorry, but NO. You are sending your son a message that something else is MORE important than he is on HIS day. NEVER assume anything when it comes to a man who is taking advantage of your good graces. BE STRONG. YOU are the one that is taking care of your son, he isn't. Time for rules to change girlfriend! Ask him when he will be picking up your son for visition, I hope his response is positive, if it isn't, you may need to look on your divorce decree and go by legal visition rules now. I wish you the best...

Don't reschedule your son's birthday. Your ex should obviously know when your son's birthday is. It is his own fault for planning the wedding on that day. It sounds like he is trying to cause problems and he's being very selfish. This is your son's big day and birthdays are really important to children. They look forward to it all year.

On the visitation-you should def not cater to him just because he has a busy schedule. He needs to make time for his son. Go by the order. If you don't, than it could back fire on you in the long run. It also solves a lot of scheduling problems and him picking him up when it's convienat for him. you always do things for your son that might be inconvient!

This is quick and to the point - your loyalty is to your son, not your husband. So, continue with your son's birthday party. I know it sounds more difficult than that. Believe me, I'm a single Mom, too. So I know how it feels - but a lot of counseling later ... I've learned that my loyalty and responsibility is to myself and my son and not your ex.

Remember this: your son will see that you did not consider him and considered his Dad over this situation. That's not a good thing for your son to remember, right?

My prayers are with you and for your strength.

NO way! Keep your plans.He will understand and if he doesn't, do you really care? He probably wont change his wedding plans,therefore you have to decide to continue on with your plans or budge and reschedule yours.If it were me I would continue on with mine and have the birthday party as planned.Your son is turning 5 and will only turn 5 once, the Dad is acting 5 by ordering you around and then hanging up on you.Sorry no sympathy from me for the Dad.

Wow, so many reponses showing anger towards your ex! I've also read many statement referring to him as "your ex" but the ex is also the FATHER. So yes, the ex may be selfish and inconsiderate,but he is not just the ex,he's the father.

Anyway,I find it a bit odd that your husband didn't give you more notice regarding his wedding date? If this is a real wedding, the date would have been set months ago. I agree with the post who said that the anniversary would not overshadow your son's bday. That's a bit farfetched.

If its not possible to do both the part and wedding the same day, then it would really be best for everyone if you could change the bday party. Having your son miss his father's wedding simply b/c you don't want to change the bday party is a bit spiteful. Yes, your son comes first, but we are not talking about some guy's wedding here, its his fathers wedding.

From now on, have more backbone when it comes to the ex. If he wants to see his son, tell him to come get him. You're not a taxi.

I think you should change the date of the party, as it is important for your son to see his dad get married.

NO!!!, your son should always come first.