SIL Not Planning to Attend My Baby Shower

Guess what. the shower is not a big deal. The birth of your child is the big deal.

College graduation is a big deal, but if you have to miss parties leading up to it, not a big deal.

You are in charge of your own choices and she is in charge of her own choices. If you did not feel the college graduation was a big deal, I doubt you would have planned on attending it.

It also sounds like you 2 are at completely different places in your lives. She has no idea what it feels like to be pregnant and be expecting this miracle. She is just a girl still having her kind of fun.

We cannot make others have the same values we do. Do not take it personally.

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I guess I don't see showers, parties, or even gifts as obligatory. If I did, then I wouldn't enjoy them as much. There are countless ways to show our caring for other people, and they don't necessarily reveal themselves until some later opportunity.

You can cause yourself some real pain by comparing what you do for your SIL with what she does for you, but why? There's only a lot of emotional game-playing, resentment and discord as a result. Emotionally maturity looks and feels a lot freer than that, and that's what I wish for you and your family.

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I understand how you feel, however, I think you should just let it go. SIL has started a tradition that is very important to her and she obviously can't change the date.

Does SIL have any children? If not, it's possible that she doesn't understand how important a baby shower is.

If its important to you that SIL attends, change the date.

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Let it go. Say nothing. Its probably not intentional and perhaps even her RSVP to the other event pre-dated (and financially committed her to it) before yours was announced. It would be rude to ask/expect someone to cancel an pre-existing RSVP in order to attend your event.

On a side note, I'm not sure I would attend the graduation over your friend's wedding... To me, my close friends hold the same place in my heart as family. Sounds like you are attending the graduation out of feelings of obligation. Go to the event what you want to go to, that will give you the most 'memory meaning' when you think back on it for years to come, the event that will not bring you feelings of regret if you don't attend.

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I am going to side with the SIL on this one. This is something that she plans every year. I guess when you were emailing what dates worked best for everyone she should have been included.
I don't think she is trying to snub you, I am sure she will be there when the baby is born and lavish hugs, cuddles, and gifts on your first child. BUT, the plans were already made.
It's not something to stress about, a baby shower isn't that important...the day the baby is born is VERY important...I bet she will be there for you when that time comes.

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Based upon my experiences over the past 10 years with my family as well as all of my in-laws, I say let it go. I agree it is disappointing but do you really want it to shape your relationship with her? While we like close family and friends to be at our special celebrations sometimes it doesn't turn out that way whether because of conflicts or personal choices. I feel our relationships over the course of time are more important. I have come to learn that I can't make people do what I want them to, but I can choose to not let it bother me. Those beliefs have served me well in dealing with these types of issues. Congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes to you.

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She is your hubby's sister. Let her do as she pleases. Don't let her actions bother you. If you want ot attend her functions then do but you are not obligated to.

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You are stressing it too much. Baby showers aren't really that important in the scheme of things. Honestly, I hate going to them and I have two kids.
It's just a party. Not everyone enjoys things like this. I'm sure she'll get you a gift and will be super happy to be an aunt.
You have the rest of your life to be in a family relationship with this woman. I would let it go. And really, you probably won't miss her. There will be too many other things going on and other people to talk to.

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I say let it go. If the birthday party is a tradition that your SIL has with her friends, I could understand how she would be just as hurt that you chose that day for your shower. Also, I know you think it's going to be your only shower ever, but that's not always the case with expectant mothers. I know moms who have a couple showers for each pregnancy. I could see how your SIL wouldn't be thinking that this was a once in a lifetime event.

Also, for me personally, an August 7 shower for an October baby seems a little early. Most baby showers I go to are at most six weeks before the baby's due date. Maybe if you pushed your shower to September you'll have better attendance?

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Are you really going to miss her company at your baby shower, or are you just mad that she has other plans? It doesn't sound like you care for your SIL a whole lot, so why would you want her at the shower? You'll have so many people who will want to visit with you. Try not to fixate on who didn't attend and why. Just have a lovely shower and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy :-)

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Let it go. It doesn't matter.

You're about to have a baby. You are going to discover what is really important in life, and hopefully you will also discover that who goes to what party or what baby shower doesn't matter one little bit.

Let her go to her party. And then if it works out for you guys, go to her graduation. What, are you going to keep score? Are you going to be one of those petty little people? (Let's see, she didn't go to this, then I went to that, then she...)

Who cares!!! Enjoy your shower and more importantly, your new baby!!!!

p.s. I agree with Karen about the friend's wedding.

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Don't stress about it enjoy your baby shower they are so exciting for a 1st time mom! Also I would go to the wedding. If this woman can't be bothered to go to important events then whey should you attend her's. Maybe I'm selfish, I call it not allowing myself to be walked on.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

J.

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on the one hand, that stinks that she can't come, now on with the show...on the other hand...you specifically say she has plans for that "night". can you not schedule the shower for earlier in the day? seems to me, unless there is another hidden issue, she should be able to swing that, even if she only stays an hour or so. it might be that she is hurt she wasn't asked to help host? when i was reading your post i thought that's where you were going with your question. regardless, maybe give her a call, let her know you heard she's busy that night, ask her if she'd be able to make it, if you scheduled it for like 1 pm. one of my bridal showers was at like 10 am too, we did a "brunch". it was great. just some thoughts.

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I am going to be blunt and just say, get used to it. I have had the same issue with both my sister and a bit with my sister-in-law.

I have a 3 year old and my youngest turns one on Saturday. My sister threw a baby shower for me (that I had to travel to). She has not been to either of my children's baptisms, a single birthday and in fact has only visited us once since my oldest was born and not once since my son was born. When she was pregnant I threw her a baby shower that I did not want to throw because she couldn't come home for it, so it was a mommyless baby shower. I flew to see her when she was pregnant. I was there when her boys were born and I try to travel to see her and more importantly my nephews when I can. This is how it has always been with my sister and I. She did not come to my high school or college graduation, I went to both of hers, well before either of us had kids or husbands to take up our time.

Similarly, my SIL has 4 kids so her life revolves around their schedules. We travel to see them, since they live in the same town as my mother and father in law, many times a year. They have come out for both of my kids baptisms, but that is about it. They are actually coming out for my son's first birthday party, but that is because I set the date so that they would be here because they are coming to Chicago for their spring break. Again, I think it is important so I coordinate around things.

You have to decide what you think is important and make your decisions based on that. You are not going to change your SIL.

Good Luck,
D.

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Hi S. -

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Sorry if your feelings are hurt by your SIL not wanting to attend. Maybe she is hurt that you picked it on a date she is unavailable? I know, maybe not, but just trying to see the other side of it.

Also, some people are just not that into showers. Could that be the way she feels? My SIL didn't attend my shower, but it didn't bother me. She really doesn't like showers. But, she is an AWESOME aunt to my daughter.

I'm sure you've got enough going on with the pregnancy, and a lot of hormones running through you. I say, let it go and have an awesome time at your shower! :-)

Good luck.

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Your SIL's party is joint with other friends and has taken place before, she may not be calling the shots on when it takes place. I think you are reading a lot into this and IL's typically aren't at showers anyway so let it go. Your baby shower is of course very important to you, but it isn't at the top of absolutely everybody else's agenda.

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Just let it go and not to spoil your day. Even if you do guilt her into coming do you really want the person there that doesn't want to be? It will put a damper on the party.
I also agree that I know it may seem like a big deal the baby shower really isn't......the birth of your child IS though and I'm sure she will ohhh and awww once your bundle gets here :)

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Let it go. My SIL didnt come to my one and only baby shower because she went to the zoo! Really, dont get angry. It is not worth it. Just enjoy your shower!

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well- not sure if you are stressing about this for no reason or not. But your feelings are valid. At least you MIL will be at your baby shower. Mine wasn't present for any of my kids. My son (she was pregnant herself and didn't feel well) both my daughters (yep had to have babyshower for 2nd girl because hubby decided to pack up ALL baby stuff, I mean everything! and donate it to goodwill. About a month before i found out I was pregnant with #3. #2 and #3 my MIL had just gone plain nuts and didn't want anything to do with me. All changed as soon as both girls were born. Who knows.
Don't stress however- remember this is your party for you and your baby- who cares if she misses it. I figure if she doesn't want to be there she will make it an unpleasant, stressful place for everyone instead of a fun party!

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Yours is a tough situation because you've sacrificed on your end for her but she's not returning the sentiment. I missed my sister's bridal shower because her friends coordinated the event without checking my schedule (as the only out-of-towner).

Not knowing all the details, it's possible that she and her friends have pre-paid the weekend trip or there are too many people to accommodate to change schedules.

My best advice is to perhaps be accommodating with your schedule or to go on as planned without her there. A baby shower is a special event, but the birth of your child is more special. I'd be more upset if she didn't coordinate to be there as soon as your baby is born vs. in advance.

Families are tough. Mine is completely dysfunctional, but it's really important to me for my kids to know their grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, so I deal with all the drama as best as possible and move on.

Good luck!

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Definately change your plans and go to your friends wedding!! How many times do you think your SIL will change her major? Don't regret not going to their wedding.

Now as far as your shower. I've always said, you find out who your true friends are when you get married or have a baby. Your SIL sounds a bit self absorbed, and it's only going to get worse as she gets older and you keep doing things that are "important" to her. Go to the wedding instead, it's not too late to change your mind.

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Your feelings are understandable, but I think you're stressing too much also. If she's the one who coordinated the joint birthday party for friends, she really isn't in a position to cancel and reschedule to accommodate your event. While this may be your one and only shower, it sounds like she probably had the birthday planned well before you set your date. She probably didn't plan to not be "available" for your shower on purpose. To have your husband put her on the spot and guilt her into changing her plans would be unfair under those circumstances, and would probably cause unnecessary friction in your relationship with her.

Besides, if she did schedule the birthday party on the same day on purpose, do you want her there? That would mean she's a toxic person and her being there would make for a potentially rotten day. From what you share, I don't think that's the case. It's just an honest schedule conflict. Things happen. I'd say give her and yourself a break and enjoy the day. She'll make it up to you, I'm sure in the future, with free "auntie" babysitting service and cute toys and gifts on birthdays and holidays in the future. You have a whole lifetime of special, one of a kind events to share with her. Don't create trouble where there probably is none.

In the big scheme of things, a baby shower is just as overwhelming as a wedding shower, but for different reasons. If the shower is big enough, you won't even really notice she's not there, because so much will be going on at the party. You will still have fun. You will still get gifts...even from her...and you will still have plenty of photos and memories for your scrapbook.

If it's real important for you to share "before" baby time with her, plan something with just the two of you. Invite her to help you pick out outfits for the baby, or to decorate the baby's room. Or tell her you will name the baby after her if it's a girl and you want her with you at the hospital when she's born. There are lots of ways to get SIL in on the special days ahead. Just be flexible and surely a solution will present itself.

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I agree with most of the other posts. I wouldn't want anyone at my shower that doesn't want to be there. It would bring the party down. To be honest, baby showers are not that big of a deal. I think birthdays and baptisms are much more important. I have two kids and all of my showers were not that important to me. I had friends that couldn't make it and I wasn't upset with them. This may be a once a year huge bash that her friends put together. That may be the only date that worked for all of them, I have special things that I do with my friends each year and I don't think I would cancel over a baby shower unless it was my best friend or my actual sister, not SIL.

I also agree that you should cancel the graduation and go to the wedding, unless it is not a close friend. I know I would never want to miss one of my best friend's weddings over a second graduation. If this is a distant friend and you are not very close to them, then I would go to the graduation.

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I have a question, knowing what you know, which is she has chosen the friend thing over your special event, why do you still want her there? If she gets pressured into going, won't that be weird having her there knowing you weren't her choice? So what I see is you grieving a relationship you thought you had and it hurts, but it is her choice. I would allow yourself a good cry & a bit of disappointment, and then move on and not let this get you all crazy. It is sad the choice she is making & I'm sorry you are finding out now where you rank with her. It is always hard getting along in families with all the expectations. best of luck. Surround yourself with those that want to celebrate your day with you and be glad of the blessing you have & don't dwell on what you don't. Congrats.

Are her plans for the whole day, or just a dinner/night thing? If so, then maybe you could do a lunch/afternoon thing. If not maybe she could stop by before hand until she has to leave. If no agreement is made with the time, then if you're up to it explain that your baby has a due date and you can't change that. You would really appreciate if she attended this only one time event the same as she appreciates you attending her one time graduation event. If she's living in a different state, then that poses problems and maybe the best way to fix it is to directly ask her input on the party. It's harder for out of town guest to schedule trips. My best friend's aunt wasn't able to attend her party or come out after the baby was born, so she sent some presents and provided all the decorations.
Good Luck!

we all have to make choices in life. Be happy for your new addition and love your SIL for who she is and the choices she makes. Take lots of photos and she'll be able to "share" the day at a later time. Make sure to still send her an invite-- she may be privately hurting because her already scheduled plans are keeping her from your shower. You have enough to stress about right now, so when you're able let this one go and focus on all the wonderful things in your life and try to be thankful for all of the other loving women who will be at your shower.

are you colse with her to talk to her yourself? If so I would have you do the talking and not your husband. If it means that much that she be there then it needs to be up to you. What about asking her what weekend works for her? Maybe you can find another day that works best with all of you? I am assuming the SIL is not yet an mother? So obviously she doesnt understand the importance of this to you. Good luck and hope this helps. P.S If after giving her options and she still can't make time to fit your baby shower in then she is going to be the one that makes herself look like a fool

I don't put a lot of importance on a baby shower and wouldn't be upset if SIL missed it. I'd be more upset if she missed a baptism, etc. However, I wouldn't be traveling to her graduation and missing a good friend's wedding. Send her some congratulatory flowers and go to the wedding.

Can you re-schedule? How far along are the shower plans? Maybe she's feeling excluded. Surely there's a compromise you can find. The fact that she had previous plans doesn't mean she PREFERS her friends...it's just a conflict with the dates. You can't make everyone happy all the time. If you can't change the date of the shower & she chooses not to come, that's HER decision. You'd think your MIL might have been aware of her plans or at least checked with her about the date....Congratulations & good luck!

First of all, congrats! Ok so yeah I agree with a few of the posters below that your SIL's annual party is likely something she can't change. To expect a whole group of people to change a date on something like that for your baby shower is kind of asking a lot. Isn't it more about you celebrating that day in anticipation of your little one? And why would you want her to be there when she clearly has stated that she would rather be at this party? I'm sure it's not that she doesn't care. It's just that she'll be there for the birth, birthdays, celebrations to come. AND since that's the choice she's making, why don't you just go to your good friend's wedding instead of the graduation? If anyone would understand, sounds like it would be your SIL!

Family struggles are no fun....especially when it's the in-laws! If she doesn't come to the shower it's probably for the best. You might end up having a better time with her not there. And if she doesn't have enough respect for you, her brother and her future niece/nephew to show up for the shower, I would skip the graduation and go to the wedding. It's not her first graduation so I think you get a hall pass on that one. If it was the first, I would say you would have to suck it up and go.

To save the drama and your husbands relationship with his sister...let it go. Yes this will be your one and only baby shower but it truly pales in comparison to the big things and the big times when you may really need her.

I avoid pressuring anyone to go anywhere. If it isn't as important to her, you can't change her mind...additionally, you will end up missing things too someday, trust me. A new baby is the beginning of a VERY big change in your life and priorities.

Unless she paid for her trip already and you cannot change your date I am afraid she should go to her weekend. if its not already paid for then I think she should go to your baby shower and meet up with the girls later. I think family gathering are so important. I hope it ll works out for you!

Your SIL is always going to be the "me" type. You and your husband are planning on traveling all the way to CO to see her SECOND graduation & missing a friends wedding, and she can't try and change the date with her friends? Give me a break. August 7th is so far away that I couldn't see, since it's only a one night celebration, that it couldn't be changed. I could see if they were planning a girls weekend, but one night? If she hasn't tried to change the date with her friends, bottom line...she doesn't care enough to go to your shower. Get over her, and don't ever change plans to suit her again. Your right, it's her brother's first baby, first shower, she should try and be there. Try not to let her bother you, but learn from this early. This will not be the last time she does something like this. I'm sure if you or your husband think about it, she probably has done something like this before. She wants everyone to be there for her but doesn't feel the need to do the same for others. Let me guess, she's the baby of the family or the only girl? Your not going to change her, so stressing about it is not good for anyone, especially the baby. Trust me, you don't want her at the shower if someone has to "force" her to do the right thing. Think about this if/when you are picking Godparents.

LET IT GO EMOTIONALLY! But ask your husband to ask anyway. Maybe it wouldn't be that hard to change the plans. Maybe he is just chicken to talk to his sister and is avoiding conflict. If she makes a big fuss, just continue your plans and let her do her thing, she is not doing this to make you mad, people have lives. You won't be spending your whole time talking to her at the shower anyway, and you will be so pregnant and ready to have this baby you are not going to give a s**t who is at the shower.

Reality is if the SL saw this as important she would be there. Life is too short to worry about others. Go to the wedding and enjoy. Forget the SL as she does what she wants and so should you. August is a long time away to be pinning people down. Even if she said yes to being there, she may fall ill and not attend anyway when the time comes.
Having spent 40 odd years worrying about others you realize that you have to look out for yourself and your immediate family. That is now you, your husband and soon to be child.
Good luck and enjoy the new arrival. I have 4 boys and they are wonderful treasures.