Ok here's my story. I moved to the suburbs 2 years ago after living in the city for 11 years. Shortly after moving, I gave birth to twins and 3 months later came down with Mono which unfortunately ignited a series of health problems for me. Since then, I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Myofascial Pain Syndrome, TMJ Disorder and Arthritis. Goodtimes. Because of this I am in constant pain and always exhausted. Raising twin toddlers is challenging, raising them with a chronic illness is a whole other ball game. (This will be important later...)
I loved the city. I had and still have a huge group of supportive, fun, creative girlfriends. I've always had a very healthy social life. That is until I moved here. I know my children are still young and making friends take time. I'm actually ok with that. It took 3-4 years before I built a strong group of friends in the city so I understand these things take time. What I hadn't anticipated were the crazy social dynamics of my suburban neighborhood. I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive or paranoid but I'm starting to think my new neighbor honeymoon is over and I'm not exactly sure what I did.
One neighbor, we'll call her Jean, seemed so nice at first. Jean brought bottles of wine over when we moved in, invitied us over for dinner or drinks on the patio and always came out to say hello anytime we left the house. However, over time it got to be well... a bit much. If I pulled into my driveway or got my mail, her door would suddenly open and she'd ask me where I went? Or start up some sort of conversation. Breast feeding twins, I often couldn't get to the phone in time when she'd call, so sure enough she'd either show up at the door or bring up later how she tried calling me and their was no answer but she thought I was home. I'd explain but she never seemed convinced. Her invitations to come over for a glass of wine were sweet, but I often couldn't take her up on it, as there was no one to watch the babies when my husband was still at work. She would often invite me to bring the girls over. This was no small feat. My house is on a hill and up 15 steps. I often had to cart both babies up and down the stairs and head backa couple of times for things I forgot.
The first 6 months after Mono were terrible health-wise, I could hardly push the double stroller I felt so tired and weak. I felt somewhat housebound. This did not go unnoticed by my neighbor. Soon she began telling me I needed to get the babies out more. "They need sunshine and vitamin D!", she'd say. Or "I just need some exercise." When I mistakenly tried to explain some of the health issues I had going on, she abruptly interrupted me and asked me if I thought I had postpartum depression. I was so taken a back by what she said, I ended up stammering through some long winded definition of Fibromyalgia that she was clearly not interested in. Later that night I told my husband how hurt I was by her comment. Hadn't I always been pleasant and upbeat around her? She hardly knows me? Do I come off as Debbie Downer? Why would she say such a thing? It really bothered me. ( Clearly.)
Then things began to subtlety change. There were no more invites, when we did talk she would often point out how the woman she was friends with who used to live in our house ( we'll call her Taylor.) did this or that. I happen to know this women a little bit and she is super bubbly and friendly. I can see how easy it would be to like her but I hate being compared to her so much. So and so let her kids ride around on our street, so and so just brought the kids over all the time to play in my yard. Etc etc... I even had my other neighbor (Sue) ( who is very close to Jean ) actually say to me (drunk) at a party how amazing Taylor is. " Can you believe her? She has to be the sweetest person on the planet, you just can't find another neighbor like that." Ouch?
Since that party, both neighbors ( Jean and Sue) have had each other over for drinks, often times loudly laughing on the patio. Our houses are very close so to suddenly no longer be invited is noticeable. Both are very friendly to my husband but kinda lukewarm to me. A few weeks ago I was outside with my kids and my neighbor Jean started chatting with me, so I brought them over. My kids are only 22 months so I was running all over trying to stop them from taking off into the street or down a flight of stairs. And even when the other neighbor came over to chat, not one of them even tried to help me out a little. In fact after a few minutes it was clear to me they hardly knew I was there. Recently, Sue's husband friended my husband and I on Facebook, so I then friended her. After some friendly banter here and there mainly between my husband and him I wondered if maybe I was just paranoid over all this neighbor drama. Then today I went to his page and I appear to be blocked from seeing like 80% of it. Which I don't really care but find it odd that someone would hide their page from you after a month? Also to make matters more awkward, I sent a friend request to my other neighbor Jean over a month ago and she never responded. Since she doesn't hide her whole page it is clear she's been on Facebook pretty recently. Naturally she is friends with the Sue and her husband.
I feel like I'm in high school. I literally have no idea what I did or didn't do to be so excluded. I normally wouldn't be bothered by this but seeing as they live almost on top of me and I hardly have any friends here, it really messes with my confidence. Am I being WAY to oversensitive and paranoid here? I kinda miss the city where you barely knew your neighbors.
Thank you to everyone who offered support and advice. I was having one of those days and was able to put a lot of this in perspective. I appreciate it, I really do.
Something Lisa C. said particularly made me think. "Do you want to be friends with her or are you just smarting from what feels like rejection? If you weren't feeling left out, would you be seeking her friendship?"
This really made me think. I guess I always wanted to be friendly with her but when I think about it, I don't think she is someone I would have made a major effort to be good friends with if it were any other situation. The reality is, we are 15 years apart and at very different stages in our life. Anyway, thank you for making me really look at this and why it's bothering me.
I've always been a pretty non-confrontational person. I think I am just hurting because I feel like I did try with her as much as I could considering the challenges I was up against. I don't expect her to keep inviting me to everything (like someone on this board suggested.) let's be reasonable... but I certainly don't expect her to be so chilly with me and make subtle digs at my expense. I don't think I did anything to deserve that.
To the person who suggested I wasn't considering her feelings, nothing could be farther from the truth. I actually did have her over along with my other neighbor a few times. I have also lugged both girls over there on several occasions despite the pain and lack of help. I've NEVER used my illness as an excuse to not socialize. I spend 24hrs of the day in pain but yes my life goes on. The grocery shopping gets done, the house is clean, dinner made for them, then again for my husband and I later that night, the girls go to their activities and are taken to the park. I manage. And whether I am depressed of not, doesn't make it any less rude for some one who hardly knows me to suggest I have postpartum depression because I wasn't taking them for walks everyday with mono or sitting on her front lawn in the July sun with 2 colicky 3 month olds.
All I wanted were neighbors I got along with, maybe had a drink with from time to time or chatted with on a nice day. Basically a nice stress free friendship. Now I wonder if I've made a mistake moving to the suburbs. Sure this stuff probably happens in the city too in some neighborhoods but it's been hard being a new home owner, a new mom and sick. Sometimes I feel like, if lived in the city I would have more autonomy and more support. Something for me to think about I guess.
Glad you posted this. I'm more of a "hermit type." I'm used to living in the country where people don't bother with you unless you need help or there's an emergency. I'll be moving into a small town soon, so social neighbors are something new for me to get used to. Looks like I'll be sticking to the "I don't drink" policy and just be cordial.
Honestly I would just invite them over and talk to them about it. It may not get better, but could it get worse than the not knowing you are dealing with now?
You don't know what you did? Read your post again. She tried and tried to be your friend, invited you over multiple times, invited your girls over and you said no. SHe got tired of asking. You made it plain as day that you didn't want to have a friendship with her, or at least that's how she read it, so she has stopped trying. I would have stopped too. maybe SHE feels rejected and hurt since you don't want to come over.
I know it's hard to make friends, believe me, I don't have a lot of time either. But, she tried (at least according to what you said) and I think she's just done trying. Maybe you need to extend an invitation to her!
L.
I feel bad for you. Here's the thing. It's like a little Peyton Place on your street. Let's decide to branch out now that the kiddo's are a bit older and find friends somewhere else. There are mom's groups, there are support groups for Fibro, for all kinds of things, even moms of multiples. There are a lot of other women out there looking for a friend who knows how hard it is, who understands that play dates might have to be postponed due to just being to sore or too tired.
There are women somewhere that want to be your friend. What better way to get over this neighborhood and get on with life so you can enjoy being alive and live life more fully. I say don't do anything but wave and smile, L., just wave and smile...(Sorry for the Penguin reference) then the neighbor can not say anything negative anymore and she'll start to wonder what she is missing out on.
I may be reading it differently than the previous posters, but it seems to me that" Jean" tried very hard to be close with you initially. She was rebuffed. Maybe not on purpose, more a matter of bad timing, but she was rebuffed all the same. Sounds to me like it hurt her feelings and she has made a decision to "let you go" rather than continue to get her feelings hurt time and again. Nothing personal, you understand. It is a self-preservation mechanism.
It sounds like "Jean" pushed pretty hard at first, to try to get to know you and went out of her way to try to get some positive reaction from you. It didn't happen. YOU know why. She apparently just got tired of trying to figure out when might be a good time. Can't say as I blame her. But that doesn't mean that you did anything wrong.
Unfortunately, you may just not be compatible at this point in your lives. Doesn't sound like she has any small children at home and doesn't have health problems. She is free to do with her time what she'd like, which seems to be a lot of socializing, evidently. You aren't free to do that, you're busy with the twins, etc. She sees it as you being stand-offish. You saw her as being a bit pushy (right?). You're just at different places in your lives that aren't very compatible right now.
If you really want to talk to her about it, just tell her point blank that you hate that you have been so busy during this transitional time in your life, that you have hardly had time to get to know her. You feel like you haven't had an opportunity to relax and now that you are starting to find your feet, you have a little bit more spare time (not much, but SOME) and would enjoy hanging out for a bit sometime. You just will have to be careful not to give her the wrong impression: that you are now free to socialize as often as she wants to. And therein lies the rub.
As for facebook... I am friendly with all my neighbors, but I am not friends with them on FB. I don't want to know those kinds of intricacies about their lives, nor them about me. A little distance makes for good neighbors.
Good luck.
There's a lot going on here. First of all, it's hard to move somewhere knew, even if you WANT to go, when you are leaving things and people you hold dear behind. Nothing can replace that. At least it hasn't in my experience.
Second, you have the responsibility of two new little ones. One is hard enough, but two? My two youngest weren't even twins, they were just a year apart, and the thought of trying to get them and all their gear out of the house and in the car made me break out in hives. We didn't have a good double stroller. Ours was huge and awkward. So navigating stairs and stuff? Uh-uh. Wouldn't have happened. I was always afraid that while I was dealing with one, the other would fall, get hurt, run into traffic. Maybe I just wasn't very good at it. Maybe my subconscious brain knew it.
Third, you got really, really sick. If someone hasn't had mono, it's hard to explain the level and quality of fatigue. It's not just being tired. It's being so tired that it literally hurts to move body parts. From what I understand, fibro flareups are much the same. Plus the pain. Plus TMJ. So you have chronic illness. Sometimes people don't understand that there is no "getting over it". You aren't depressed. You are sick. Chronic illness can cause depression, but that's not what we are talking about here.
Yes, she probably did feel rebuffed, because she probably really doesn't understand. Yes, her feelings were probably hurt, but that wasn't your intent and she sounds like she wasn't looking at the whole picture. A little empathy on her part would have made for a lot less heartache on both sides.
As to how you navigate it, the main question is: Do you want to be friends with her or are you just smarting from what feels like rejection? If you weren't feeling left out, would you be seeking her friendship? That's not a chastisement. It's a real question. Sometimes when we feel rejected we want to seek acceptance from that person - kind of make them take it back. Would you be friends with her or seek her friendship if this weren't the case? If not, then Gamma G had some great suggestions on where to find some like minded people who share your experiences and could make for an EXCELLENT support system. I suggest getting out when you can and finding mom groups, support groups and the like. If you would be here friend in other circumstances, then call her and make a time to meet with her without the kids and really open up about what's been going on. Tell her that you are sorry if you ever made her feel rejected. Tell her you should have been more forthcoming about what was going on, but that you weren't used to feeling so helpless and didn't want to be one of those people who complained all the time about what was wrong. Tell her that you would really like if you could start over, that you still struggle, but that when you are, you will let her know so that she understands that it's about your illness, not about her offer of friendship. Then let her make her choices.
Hope this helps. I will be praying for your health and well being and that you soon make a ton of knew friends. It will never be quite like what you left in the city, but it can be a pretty awesome close second.
I agree with some others here who suggest you should focus on finding other friends. Will your girls go to daycare or preschool, even part-time? That's a great way to meet other moms at the same life stage you're in, whom you may have more in common with. Set up some play dates -- more for you than for your daughters. Then focus on developing a friendLY relationship with the neighbors, but not necessarily a FRIENDS relationship. So it's warm, but you're not dependent on them. If it were me, I wouldn't try to force anything or clear the air -- not my style. I'd just try to forge ahead as if there had not been any past weirdness. Bake them something for the holidays, but let your New Year's Resolution be to find other friends elsewhere.
I am so sorry you are going through a hard time. I went through a very similar thing as you healthwise without infant twins and was barely able to function. I can't imagine how you have been doing it without alot of help. First and foremost is your health and your children, and unfortunately, what I found when I was ill is that most people do not have much empathy--if you can't give them what they need from you, they lose interest. Unfortunately that is human nature, unless you find someone who has gone through things in life that make them aware of what someone else is actually going through and might even be a good neighbor/friend and offer help rather than just look for a drinking or gossip buddy. As a FYI, were you tested for Lyme's disease? You said you started getting sick after moving to the burbs, and if you got bit by a Lyme's tick, and it wasn't diagnosed, it can start causing all the issues you are having (that is what happened to me--first Bells Palsy, then Mono, fibromyalgia, etc. Please check it out and when you are feeling up to it, find some lovely kind friends--I found fabuluos women when I started co-leading a holistic moms group. They have their priorities straight and it is so refreshing. Best of luck!
I don't know that you are being overly sensitive (if your feelings are hurt, they are hurt) but you are definitely thinking way too much about it. They have made it pretty clear that, for whatever reason, they don't want to have a close friendship with you. Accept it and let it go. Try to meet someone else. Maybe a chronic pain support group or take your twins to the park or library and chat up a mom/dad you meet there. Good luck. I hope you feel better about things soon.
I understand that need to have friends and the be friendly with your neighbors but this entire situation is just too much for me.
To answer your series of questions:
1. Yes you are being very sensitive but there is no crime in that. You have feelings and how they are treating you is impacting on your sensitive nature.
2. I have learned through my religious beliefs to be as wise as a serpent yet harmless as a dove.
You may need to figure out how to have an honest adult conversation with these women or just let it go. There may be some middle ground but I tend to be an all or nothing, hot or cold kind of gal. I don't do the middle or lukewarm. Being this way helps keep me healthy in my emotions.
While it would be nice to be friends with your neighbors, do you really want to be friends with people who have such little compassion for the struggles you have been having in your body?
The beauty of friends is that unlike family you get to choose them. Develop other friendships with people you have more in common with than these women. This may require you to travel in different circles, join groups, take a class or two or something else to get connected with some women that have more in common with you that could possibly make better friends for you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but it is good to know who your true friends are verses the pretenders.
Delete them off your FB, they are foe! People are weird sometimes! I recently went to a party that I was INVITED to and the wife/lady of the house sat there speaking in Portuguese with her sister. What do you say? "What a beautiful language???" I just kindly got up and walked outside for some fresh air. Don't put up with them!!! Just waive, smile, and go inside.
i think i agree with those who said she tried and you rejected her. Not to be mean, but you did so because of life. She took it to heart, and probably saw the unenthusiastic response to seeing her show up or call and felt you were "stuck up" or not interested in them. If you do want to stay there a while you have to think of what yo want your kids to grow up around, If you want them to be friendly with all of the neighbors you're going to have to put in some work and become friends. Perhaps you deserve a girls night out with them, or over to their house. since your nieghbors maybe go over after you put the kids down and connec, and let them know how you're overwhelmed at M. being a 1st time mom with twins no less, with little support system. Also let them know that you never intentionally snubbed them. If they are blocking you, there is some resentment, and feeling that you are not that nice. It all seems caddy, but people are caddy sometimes. You have to decide what amt of time you want to invest in them and what outcome you hope for. Some people don't need to be close to their neigbors. I wish I was. A support system is awesome.
She did try to become a friend but you had other challenges to overcome. You can extend an olive branch and try to discuss what happened with her and go from there.
Is it me or does it sound like she was trying to have the same type of friendship as she had with the old neighbor? If that was the case she was off balanced to think that because you are 2 different people with different lives I'm sure.
If that was the case on her part I am not sure how close I could be with her for trying to compare people and if I felt like she talked badly about me to other neighbors, I would not have a second thought of trying to befriend her as well because that would give me a glimps of what a friendship would be like with her.
I think it's just a case of bad timing, and of her expecting that you would just pop into Taylor's shoes and would take on her role in the neighborhood dynamic. Clearly that's unrealistic.
It's been my experience that people who have never spent time taking care of more than one infant have NO IDEA how hard it is. I can only imagine the logistical challenges and exhaustion from seeing my friends who have twins struggle to juggle them and I really try to appreciate the demands on their bodies, their energy and their time. Sounds like Jean was unable to do that and understand that demands and restrictions that your little ones placed on you.
It's also been my experience that people who have never experienced an illness like mono or auto-immune problems or systemic pain have - again - NO IDEA what every day is like. My mom has Fibromyaligia and it has taken me 15+ years to really understand that when she's tired or in pain, it's not a choice. She has no choice but to stop what she's doing and take care of her body, plain and simple. I had TMJ disorder for several years after my first child was born and the never-ending jaw, neck and head pain could be all-consuming. People who haven't been in your shoes just don't get it and might take your limitations personally.
So that's a long way of saying...I don't think you did anything other than adhere to the very real demands on your time and your physical limitations. Jean seems a little self-absorbed and perhaps unable to really try to understand what it's like to be in your shoes and understand that your actions weren't directed at her. If at all possible, just try to live your life. Be a pleasant neighbor, say hello and chit chat but right now, I wouldn't expect your relationship to blossom into a true friendship right now.
That said, you'll make more friends as your kids get older. When I moved to my town, it was 3-4 years before I started to consider any of the women I knew as my "friends" and in the years since then, that circle has grown to include many wonderful women. I have met all of my friends here through my children - so if possible, try to get to the playground or take a mommy and me class, and plan on sending them to pre-school in a few years too. Just continue to be yourself - proximity is no indicator of compatibility - somewhere in your town are nice women like you who will become your true friends eventually.
ETA I just noticed where you live! Beautiful area, but very cliquey and snotty at first. Hang in there...you will find some nice, normal people. Look for your local MOMs (mothers of multiples) class. There is quite a big population of twin parents in your (our) area so I think you'll have better luck networking with other twin mamas who get it. Also...there is a wonderful holistic doctor in Quincy (Dr. Ann at Whole Body Solutions) who might be able to help with some of your health problems. We've seen her for various health issues and her office has a book full of testimonials from patients who have been able to overcome chronic pain and auto-immune illnesses with supplements, nutrition counseling, and chiropractic care. Where your ailments were triggered by a virus, this kind of treatment can be pretty effective and might be a nice adjunct to whatever you're doing to treat these conditions. The Merino Center (which is a bit farther away) is also good with these sorts of issues and that's where my mom got the best care for her fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and other things.
I used to suffer from fibromyalgia, did so for years. I know that I was openly ridiculed by my brother because of it. He'd tell me it's all in my head and that people like me just want sympathy. I'm sorry that you are going through this. But I'm much MORE sorry that you are sick and that it changes everything. To be honest, I've NEVER had ANY desire to be around other people, much less make friends with them. People don't understand how it is to be tired 24/7, always in pain, never knowing what's going to hurt worse that day. I'm just so glad that I have learned to let go of the curse of disease. I still have some lingering symptoms. But I refuse to acknowledge them and I'm standing on my healing.
This week and next, Kenneth Copeland ministries has a 10 day program on about healing. You can go to the website and click on the media button, and download the videos to watch at your convenience. Today's episode specifically talked about chronic disease.
It does NOT sound like these people are even worth your time. Get out, find some new friends, and live your life. Oh and... hang in there just a little bit longer. Twins at their age are busy! 100% healthy moms would have a hard time keeping up with other peoples expectations. People are so mean and so rude!
Do your neighbors have kids? If not, then I could see how they find more incommon with each other. Lives are very different. I have friends who just want to go out, but I have a family. I rather be home with them, sorry. I would just keep it simply with hello and good byes.
L.,
Maybe Taylor baby moved for a REASON.
Family first. That includes you. Then play with friends. They appear to be friendly even if they appear to be setting up something with husbands? I'm not sure what you were saying about he/facebook.
Good luck,
M.
initially, your relationship was friendly.....& then between health/babies, you drifted apart.
Think about "how" she felt when she knew you were home & you didn't answer the door/phone.
You hurt her feelings. Excuses are excuse....& she also is at fault - she didn't have to take your actions so personally!
You've also complained about how invasive/nosy she became. Do you really think you can have negative feelings about her....without her being aware of it? :)
Why are you feeling a loss over her moving on? Did you expect her to take your unintended rebuffs....& still be hanging around when you hit a better place in your life? Life doesn't work that way! & what really gets me....is that you seem to somehow be equating your relationship woes with living in the suburbs. You really seem to prefer your old city life. Perhaps what you are really missing is the life you had before....before your illnesses & the freedom to "play" without dragging kids around!
I, too, have battled mono. & while I do not have twins 24/7, I do have an inhome daycare....& it was an exhausting process to get thru each day! I also have allergies/asthma, high BP, pre-diabetes, underactive thyroid, degenerative arthritis in both knees, & PCOS. Oh, & I'm perimenopausal. Quite a bucketload of ailments....which do NOT rule my life. It's hard, it's challenging....but I have children in my care, I have my sons leading full lives, & I enjoy looking forward to the future. My best friend swears that I am the most positive, outward-looking person she's ever met....& that's all because I've survived losing my DD during heart surgery & I've weathered 18 years with my older son's degenerative hip disease. I don't agree with her....but it certainly pumps me up!
Perhaps it's time to consider your neighbor's thoughts on depression. Anyone in your medical situation would be a candidate for it. The fact that you are feeling so much angst over what you perceive to be suburbia drama... means that there may be some basis for it.
Do you get out on a regular basis? Do you have any interests outside of the home with & without your twins? Sounds like it's time to get moving.... in a positive & forward-moving direction.....& then 99% of all of this will all disappear! I truly, truly wish you Peace!
Call her an apologize. Don't email, don't send a note either call her and speak to her over the phone or get hubby to watch the kids over the weekend and go to her house maybe with a bottle of wine or fresh baked cookies and say "I am so sorry". The woman was probably lonely and needed a friend and you continuely said no. I get it that it's a hassel taking the twins anywhere and that you were very sick at the time. But you could have said "thanks, but it's such a hassel taking the babies out. Would you like to come over here?
You may never be able to form a close friendship with this woman because you hurt her. But hopefully, you can both let bygones be bygones and learn to be friends.
people can be mean i dont think its a great loss neighbors should stay neigbors seperate from friends you dont need her sounds like she as a few loss screws
It sounds like she tried to reach out, didn't really undestand your health challenges, and moved on to other friends who could do the things that she wanted to do. She wanted someone to go out and socialize with, and your health issues didn't allow you to do that. Since she was a new friend, she didn't go out of her way to get really involved with your health issues and accommodating those. She wanted a friend to do certain things with, and you were not that friend. Maybe she thought you were avoiding her and didn't like her.
Sorry but I think your neighbor is right. You need to get out more. Join an
activitty. As someone who has dealt with chronic illness since my kids
were little, I know getting out and involved always helped. The more you
do the better you will feel. Sounds like you are in a rut and have way too
much time to think about a life you are not happy with. How about talking to
someone (psychologist). My feeling was when I was critically ill. It could
always be worse and I never dwelled on things and talked about it or com-
plained.
