How Do I Get It Through 5 Year Old's Head?

Hi--
We've found that finding out the child's currency helps a lot. For us, our youngest is very attached to his batman costume. When he is misbehaving we threaten to take it away and it works like a charm. My older one's currency is spending time with us. When he misbehaves he is sent to his room--alone. It usually works pretty quickly. So figure out your older son's "currency" and use this to curb the behavior.
As well as all the other normal things you do when your older hurts your youngest.
J.

2 moms found this helpful

You need to find out what he currency is and use it to modify this behavior.
Video games? Playing with a favorite toy? Playing outside? Desert?.......
Post the rule on a board. Explain that if this is rule is broken, the (what ever the currency is) will be taken away for what ever length of time you choose.
Have him tell you the rule and the consequence for breaking it then use it when he breaks the rule. No threats, no discussion just the consequence. Do this a few times and let him know that you are consistent and see if the behavior gets better.
Make sure that you are not reacting to his behavior. The more upset you get the more ingrained the behavior becomes for him.
Wish you the best,
C.

1 mom found this helpful

I know people won't like this but it worked for me when I was little and also worked for my daughter. I used to bite when I was young, so after trying everything, my mom bit me, and I never bit again. My daughter pinched kids when she was about 3. The only way we stopped it was to pinch her, and she never pinched again. She has grown up into a nice girl and good student, so no harm was done. So if nothing else works, squeeze his face whenever he does it, and it just may work. Sometimes you have to play hardball with kids so they get the message.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, at this age more than time outs need to be happening. more discipline needs to happen. I'm a strong believer in spankings when all else fails. maybe your husband/his dad should give him a nice little swat on the butt this will make him think twice about doing that or have your husband grab his face the same way he grabs his siblings. I'm saying let your husband/ his dad do it because kids seem to respond better to a mans voice. good luck

There's some good advice from the other mom's. I especially like Momma L's advice: teach him another techniqe to cope with his frustration. Find out what the younger sib is doing that frustrates the 5 year old and discuss/teach him appropriate ways to deal with it. It sounds like maybe he needs a physical outlet, so maybe have him squeeze a ball, or run around the room, climb the stairs, do jumping jacks, etc. I found "substituting" behavior or distraction works well for younger children who often just don't understand the concept of "wrong" yet.

teach him how to handle frustration, give him another technique.

you may find an expert answer here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

scroll down to 'bothersome behavior' to the hitting section, as face squeezing is physical aggression much like hitting would be.

I have an 17 month old who is extremely aggressive, and actually shows bullying propensities toward his siblings, who are both older than him, and other children everywhere. When he starts being mean (pushing, biting, etc.), we say "No Evan, we don't bite/push/hit, we love sissy/brother/mommy/daddy. Then we give a demonstration of loving behavior, and his attitude is changed around immediately, at least 80% of the time. It is not a perfect strategy, and it does not always produce the desired result, but I believe he is constantly being reminded of the appropriate behavior to display. I understand your son is much older, and I believe he is acting out of frustration. Try to reduce situations where your younger child is being pesky. Your child is going to learn best by your example. Hope this one helps. I know this is a very important issue, and I hope you are able to find something works. :D

K.

I just responded to a similar post. Here is a piece of it.

To me, time out is a waste of everyone's time. I believe in parenting, full time. First and foremost, you are the parent, you set the guidelines. Parenting your children takes discipline. The term discipline really means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so PRACTICE being the parent you want to be. If they are doing something you don't like tell them what you DO like. As soon as there is a consequence the learn to weight the consequence with the actions. Guide and role model the behaviors you want.

It is very simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. You state in a very clear tone, "we do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine then we don't do that (whatever the behaviour is). If you want something, need something are upset about something we discuss it, we don't (whine, be disrespectful whatever the behaviour) in this family. So in this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give him the opportunity to calm down and formulate his thoughts)" Sit with him, do not send him of to "think about it" he is 3! What do you think he will think about when he is alone? He will think about the chair he is sitting in the paint on the wall, whatever, but I will promise you he will not be sitting there thinking about what he did wrong. Ah, but i have known children to think about how they can get away with it next time, how not to get caught!

Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on his part. There are no consequences, just facts. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations.

The other day we were at a friends place visiting. I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my live parenting call at 7 PM. I said: We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a coaching call and we will be home in time, alright? Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier.

Some might argue for negotiation skills...seizing the opportunity, but you know what, there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.

B.
Family Success Coach

I do to him what he does to others....if words, etc don't work. One of my kids is very sensitive when it happens to him, but could care less about hurting someone else or their feelings. The ONLY way I can get him to understand, is if HE feels it. The other 2, I don't have to use that approach with. I don;t yell o9r scream. I explain that if he does it again, I will do it to him. He hears blah, blah, blah...until he does it the next time. Usually one dose of his behavior and it changes, sometimes twice. They all learn differently.

Try telling him no, redirecting him to something else he can do and letting him know he won't be able to play with sibling until you know he can be safe. Also, what is the sibling doing that is frustrating the 5 year old. Ask the 5 year old. If it is something repeatable, figure out a way to avoid the situation - if younger kid takes 5 year old's favorite toy, tell 5 year old to keep toy in his own room and only play with it when sibling is not around for example.

LOL I read 'how do I get in my 5 year old's head'... with a hammer and a pair of pliers?! HAHAHA oh my, I need coffee...

Persistance is key. Continue to do time out and correct the behavior. Eventually the younger sibling is going to get tired of this, stand up for themself, and retaliate. Once the shoe is on the other foot, your 5 year old will understand how much it hurts!! Sibling rivalry usually corrects itself. You can also remind your 5 year old that the only time it's acceptable to lay your hands on someone else is to give a hug!

On a side note, my younger brother and I used to fistfight CONSTANTLY, and I would almost always end up winning (if I lost, it's because he fought dirty and used to throw stuff!)... now, we're adults, and he's a foot taller than me and outweighs me by 90 pounds, and competes with MMA. Guess who gets her @ss kicked now ;) Yeah, he's getting his payback!!

STOP HIM. Immediately.
As if he were biting your breast while nursing.
STOP. NOW. Take his hands away.
Immediately.
Meanwhile . . . . what kinds of reactions/remarks/feedback
do you give him when he's doing GOOD stuff?
How young is younger sibling?

Draw his younger sibling's face on a pillow and tell him he can squeeze that instead. My 5-year-old used to try to beat up his 11-year-old brother. Now he beats up on the bro-pillow instead and they both end up laughing.