4 Year Old Behavior - Owings Mills,MD

Modesty kicks in when children are around six yrs old-could this be a possible reason why she may not want dad to help her with her bath? She probably wants to begin doing some things on her own-like bathing. Ask her for more help with chores-she might not make the bed perfectly-but show her how-and then give her praise when she does it-choose some meals that you can prepare together-get her a little laundry basket that she can carry to her room to put away her own clothes . She wants autonomy and self-determination-who doesn't? She's trying to grow up-let her. Teach her to be self reliant and self sufficient and independent. And please-don't cut out story time:(

I think that's typical dramatic four-year-old behavior. I think the charts work. Also, I often turn it around on my kids -- sometimes there's logical consequences to the things kids say. As in, okay, you want me to play with you instead of doing what I have to do -- understand that your favorite shirt won't be clean and you can't wear it. Or, we won't have x for dinner -- you will just have to eat a sandwich. Or, if you give me hassle about taking a bath, then we won't have time for x (as in the book) before bedtime -- so that the thing you are taking away is tied directly to the crime. This a.m., my son refused to hurry to make the bus and I told him, "okay, so you didn't hurry, but you are going to the bus stop in five minutes with or without breakfast or your teeth brushed or your hair combed, you decide." And suddenly, his teeth were brushed and his hair sort of combed and he was at the breakfast table apologizing for his behavior.

I am taking a STEP (systematic training for effective parenting) parenting class right now. We just talked about "floor time" in class. It is a technique used for emotional development and letting your child know you respect their needs and thoughts. It is warm and comforting time to relate one on one to your child. You listen to your child and follow their interests and instruction.This is how it was explained to me: This is uninterrupted time for parent and child (no calls, email, TV, housework, etc - no running to start the dryer. Your child gets your undivided attention). Using a timer (setting a boundry/limit) for 10-15 min at least 1-2 times a week, and let your child direct the entire playtime. Do not try to teach your child anything, just follow their lead and listen to them, smile, and tell them you enjoy playing with them.

For example:
Mom: this is our special time, just the 2 of us, what would you like to play?
Child answers (example: tea party).
Mom: Where should we go, just the 2 of us to have our tea party.
Child: In my bedroom at my princess table. (mom and child go to bedroom and shut door so not to be interrupted)
Mom: What should I wear
Child: Your pink dress.
Mom: Where should I sit?
Child: In this chair.
Mom: Smiling, says, I love to have tea with you.
Child: pours tea, etc
Mom: several times during floor time smiles and tells child that they love the activity.

It lets the child express who they are and shows them that the parents accepts them unconditionally. It also is quality time spent with your child.

I stay home with my child 3 days/week and play with him as well, but I now realize it is not uninterrupted. When I started this, he really loved the floor time we spent together and it was much more meaningful than spending all day with him while also trying to run around and do everything else I had to do as well. Maybe this will give your child what she needs from you, so she will not feel like "no one played with her all day".

it's good to keep in mind how intelligent and useful this 'testing' phase really is. think how many of us will keep hitting a remote button or flicking a light switch after it hasn't worked once. part of our brain is hoping that if we keep at it, it will change its mind. and sometimes it works! so a child investigating limits wants to know if this IS actually a limit or something that the parents don't really bother about and are just making a token noise. responding patiently and reliably (and without rancor, good for you for not hitting or yelling) let them know that yes indeed, this is not something that will be compromised.
patience and consistency are the best ways to deal with this. and remind yourselves that it's a natural and GOOD part of children's development.
i'm with robin, though, i don't like the idea of taking away story time!
khairete
S.

First and foremost, you are the parent, you set the guidelines. Parenting your children is disciplining (no i don't mean hitting). The term discipline means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child. If they are doing something you don't like tell them what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision.

It is very simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. You state in a very clear tone, "we do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine then we don't do that (whatever the behaviour is). If you want something, need something are upset about something we discuss it, we don't (whine, be disrespectful whatever the behaviour) in this family. So in this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give her the opportunity to calm down and formulate his thoughts)"

Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on her part. There are no consequences (you have already seen how timeouts don't work), just facts. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations.

The other day we were at a friends place visiting. I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my conference call at 7 PM. I said: We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a conference call and we will be home in time, alright? Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier.

Some might argue for negotiation skills...seizing the opportunity, but you know what, there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.

You have to be consistent and persistent. No they will "never learn"....neither have we as adults...If you don't believe just notice how many speed limit signs are on the road and how many we actually adhere to! LOL!

B.
Family Success Coach

Whatever you say, stick to it. She will get the message quickly. Con-

sistency is the key with kids. Sometimes it is harder on us!!!! Good luck.

I think if you are going to take away privileges, make sure that you let her redeem herself -- let her "change her behavior" so that she doesn't have to suffer the loss of privilege. I think that when she loses a privilege she starts developing a "I'm a bad kid" kind of mentality that is self-reinforcing. So give her a challenging chance to produce positive behavior, "Can you whisper so quietly to Daddy that you want him to give you a bath tomorrow night instead of tonight? If you are quiet enough, he might hear you but I might not." You could add "I know that you are such a sweet girl and I can't wait to cuddle with you and read you a bedtime story" to make it extra convincing. We use "counting to 5" to allow her 5 seconds to change her behavior before losing a privilege in cases where time is tight.

Correcting behavior all day can definitely be wearing, and I can relate. But I think that instead of "stop" and "no" words, using positive words like "speak softly, because we are inside," "use kind and gentle words to show respect to the people we love," are more helpful for her to learn the rules of the house. Whenever I get frustrated, I get out some paper with her and make a new list of "Ways to Treat Others with Respect." This way you keep only positive behaviors in your mind and hers.

Well, even though I claim to have such angelic speech, I too will lay down the law about some things (like bedtime). Pick your battles and be tough where you think you need to, but leave it as a last resort if you can, because YOU will be happier if you don't have to play bad cop, and so will she!

This sounds pretty normal to me. My four year old is doing very similar things. What we have done with her is implemented incentive charts for desired behavior. The two main things we are using the charts for now are going to bed without a fight and staying there all night, and doing her alone/quiet time. She gets stickers when she does those and we put them on a chart. When the chart is filled she gets a prize.
Also, something I have found helpful is to have a conversation with her about what is expected of her. (Of course we have the conversation many times...) Then we really try to catch her doing it right and praise her on that. I aim to have more positive feedback than corrections in a day because I was feeling like I was correcting/nagging her all the time.
I also know that she behaves much better in school so when she is doing something that I don't approve of I'll ask her if she would do that in school and if so what she thought her teachers would say and then listen to that advice.
I hope this is helpful and good luck. I keep reminding myself that it is a four year old's job to test the limits and she is not really trying to push my buttons. She needs to test to know where the limits are so, as parents, we need to be consistent about the limits to help their understanding.

When my son (4) gets an attitude I warn him first that we do not speak like that and if he continues that he will need to go to his room until he remembers how. I remind him of what he should say instead and often times things (not him) get put into time out. My son does not do well with being in time out himself he doesn't get it but when you put his DSi or Wii or Thomas Trains or Monster Trucks in time out HE GETS IT! Testing limits again ... they have gotten comfy with what they could do at 1, 2, 3 now it is time for the next level ... sometimes he turns 16 with what and how he says things ... like the other night he told me that I was annoying him and he was playing his Dsi so come back later ... UH! Really? I just said to him, ok I am sorry I interrupted you angel face, I just wanted to say I love you and check on you but next time you should say "Mommy I am playing DSi right now I do not want to play." He seemed to get it and today when I purposfully annoyed him he just said "Mommy I am playing, please no" and that worked for me. So I think suggesting better options for words and not overreacting to the "attitude" works well.

i don't like taking away books either but sometimes that is what you've got. whenyou are running late becuase some child fought you tooth and nail the whole bath and you have to choose between brushing teeth and reading i choose the toothbrush over the book. sad, i know. also, i try to turn the punishment into a natural consequence when i can which is not all the time. example, 'honey, you have lost your book because ran out of time. where could we have saved some time?' having said that if you have to use any punishment too often it's not working and it's time too reassess. look at me talking like i know anything. i have the same kid!

The name - "terrible 2s" definitely does not restrict itself to 2 year olds like the name suggests :(
Here are some disciplining ideas that may help you out:

http://www.theskinnyscoop.com/search/discipline?utm_campa...

Yep.
4 years old.
My son, now 4, ditto.

A good book is "Your Four Year Old" which Amazon has.Its about each age stage... and what they are like.

Also good book: "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman. Good practical tips without being derogatory and very useful.

Their cognition and imagination and sense of self... and about their world, is changing. And they have SO many ideas, of their own.

Kids... no matter what age, will test you, will go through age phases.
This is young still... and even if you do have a 'goody goody' child... even the best of kids... do this and have difficult moments. AND at each age juncture... they will manifest this differently... per their age.

Do what will work for her.... since time-outs do not work with her. Don't do that. Each kid is different... so per her and her self... see what will work with her.
And... after a time, kids do/can get desensitized to a certain punishment too, sometimes.

all the best,
Susan