What to Do with a Whiny, Demanding 6 Yr Old Girl?

I have a sign in my kitchen - it says
"There will be a $5 charge for whining."

If she whines, send her to her room until she's ready to speak in a normal voice. If she yells at her brother, same thing. She's been allowed to behave this way and you've showed her that no matter what she does, she gets what she wants. You made the mess - now you have to fix it.

You are the parent. You control the actions. If she acts up - YOU need to ship her out to her room or a hard chair in the kitchen. If you don't get a handle on this now, she will become one of those awful teenagers that nobody can stand.
LBC

Tell her that she needs to stop it and that for now on everone will ignore her until she starts to speak with a loving and respectful tone.

Now remember, you will need to show her how to address everyone with that sweet tone.

Give her some time, but still enforce the rule.
This is not something she can change right away.
Keep working on it.

I know this will sound simple and probably offensive, so my appologies up front:

It sounds like her consequences for acting this way are not negative enough to make her change her actions.

Just my two cents,
R.

We have a house rule:

When you whine, you don't get what you want. Period.

Most of the time I can just say "whining" to my son and he'll correct his tone. If he throws a fit about it ANOTHER house rule says that "If you throw a fit you don't get what you want AND you go on timeout." So sometimes he ends up on timeout. But MOST of the time, he just corrects his tone of voice.

Sometimes, however, he'll neither throw a fit NOR stop whining. So he has to keep repeating himself until the "whine" is gone. With me in the background saying: "Better. Better. Nope, that was worse. Try again. Almost. One more time. Oh waaaaay worse. You can do this. Try again." Until he either gets it or gets ticked and goes on timeout. But flat out... no whining allowed E.V.E.R.

I've had to stop my H. his cousins, etc. from "giving in" to the whining. As in... "Don't talk to your cousin that way, and don't you DARE move over "Johnny" until he can ask you nicely."

My 2nd son had the horrible habit of whining with everything when he was about your daughters age. Simple everyday things such as asking for a drink of water were said in a whiny voice as if he was dying. I finally started telling him I couldn't understand him and to ask again in his "big boy" voice. Now I'm using that with my 3yr old son. He yells and demands and I just flat out tell him I can't understand when he yells and to please talk instead. Slowly but surely. :)

Mom,
I think your daughter has this problem at home only because it is allowed there. You call it perfectionist behavior, but in essence it is spoiled and attention seeking behavior. You and your husband need to curb it today by giving her consequences when it happens. When your daughter talks in a whiney voice she needs to be told by all family members that they can't understand what she is saying when she talks this way. Then family members should ask her to tell you what she needs/wants in her "nice voice". If she doesnt listen, tell her when she wants to talk in her "nice voice" please come and get you in the other room, then always walk away to another room, ignoring her. When your little girl is being demanding about not hearing every word in a movie, the movie is turned off that minute if she is the only one watching, if she is watching w/others then she is sent to her room and the movie/TV is not on for her the rest of the day. When she yells at a family member or sibiling, the game is over for her and she goes to her room. Tell her she must apologize to brother when the room-time out is over, but again she is not allowed to play the game for rest of the day. With TV issues just before the movie or TV is even turned on your daughter needs to again be reminded if she yells that she missed something, there will be negative consequences and she knows what they are, no TV/movies for rest of that day, or the next day if the issue comes up at night and she is sent to room. When she talks to brother in a rude way he needs to tell her firmly, "Stop! you need to talk to me in a nice way" and ignore her. I think at her age, you need to consider some other methods of discipline for your girl in addition to sending her to her room (which is often a reward, it has toys and things she likes), loss of other things she likes to do is good as well, like computer time, TV time, friends over, doing fun things are eliminated for her, things like going to the park or swimming, or dance lessonsl etc. Stick to your guns here Mom and Dad, even if it means having G-ma come over to watch her while other family members go to the pool. etc.. You daughter is old enough to understand her behavior will not be allowed at home. Hearing that her behavior issues don't happen in public or at school, you know she has the ability to turn it off at home too, she just chooses not to. Before the new plan is started I would sit down with her and tell her that you and Daddy don't like when she yells and screams at family members and that you have decided she is old enough to stop acting this way. You need to explain to her what will happen when she is not nice, do this in private and in a cool calm voice. Your daughter's behavior may take a while to eliminate since I imagine it has been allowed for a while; it may even have been considered cute when she was younger, but it needs to be handled now. It will make your household a much more pleasant place for everyone. Please be sure when she does make the positive changes in her behavior you and Dad are praising her good behavior, it will encourage more.
Good luck

She is old enough so you can sit her down and talk to her. During a calm time, sit with her and have a one on one conversation. Tell her effective communication will take you far in all stages of life. Right now, she needs to work on using an inside voice to express her feelings and to make requests of others. Also tell her, no matter how well the request is made, sometimes the answer will still be 'No', but asking nicely is a must. After a blow up, once things are calm again, speak with her again and follow up as to what went wrong. Keep it up, and she should get better over time.

I just want to say that I totally get what you're going through, and the posts that are blaming you for her actions are not all that helpful. If you are being consistent, then you just need to keep it up. I mean, what are you going to do, whip her? (I hope not!)

My daughter is a lot like this. Some times she can be really sweet, and other times she's soooo whiney. And I NEVER EVER give in to whining. I am an exercise in consistancy. But I still get foot stomping, the "I don't like you" etc. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that some kids are harder to break of this unpleasant habit, so don't beat yourself up.

Here are some things that have been helpful:
1. I send her to her room for a long time (like 20 minutes). It gives her enough time to calm down.
2. I remind her in the morning about the thing she had the most trouble with the day before, and remind her of the consequence. i.e. "If you hit your brother even once today, you are going to lose dessert" (her favorite thing). When it seems like she's starting to get wound up, I say "you've done a really good job keeping your hands to yourself today. Please keep it up or you're going to lose dessert." Then, if she hits him, she loses dessert. If she throws a fit about that, she gets sent to her room.
3. I make her say one nice thing for every complaint. So "it's too hot out here" means she has to think of something nice to say about the playground. I just ignore her until I hear her nice thing. This has worked pretty well. It doesn't mean that she can't make observations and be hot, it means that she has to request it in a pleasant way.
4. I set out the parameters before we do something I think she's going to freak out about - "I will build blocks with you, but I'm going to build what I want to build, and you can build what you want to build. And Jax might come and knock them over, and that has to be ok" I give her one warning, and if she falls apart over something, I stop playing.

Finally, I just want to say that I think that the problem isn't that you're so permissive at home. I think it's a lot of work for kids to be SO GOOD outside of the house, and kids that are like that have some insecurities about how other people see them (so my daughter). So they are extra crappy at home because a) they know we love them and aren't going to reject them and b) we get 24 hours of crappy behavior crammed into 4 hours, instead of 12. Not at all saying that her behavior is acceptable or excusable, but that you should at least take it as a sign that she knows you love her lots and lots.

Good luck. I'm hanging my hat on the fact that my daughter will outgrow this. I'm sure yours will too.

I tell my daughter to ask again without whining. If she gets really bad, I tell her that it sounds like she is having a tough time and she needs to go to her room and calm down. She can come out when she is feeling better. Some days, she spends a lot of time in her room. I never let her have something if she is whining or throwing a tantrum to get it. I tell her that acting like that will not get her what she wants. I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter, though. If it is something that upsets you and you are dealing with it, she will grow out of it. I

Hi R., she probably does not behave this way away from home, because it is not tollerated, but at home maybe it is. Being sent to her room is punishment and not discipline and is probably the reason why it's not working. I would never, never allow a child to raise their voice at me, and the especially respond to it. Usually when a child miss behaves it's because they can, At 6 she's old enough to know what obeying means, if she's taught. J.

I think you have great advices, so I won't repeat what's already been said, but first thing came to mind was VIDEOTAPE her.

I would recommend taping her everyday for a month, hopefully without her knowledge. Than compile those footages and cut it to the parts where she whines only. Until it becomes something like a "whining video montage" and have her watch it. Then ask her, "is that person's behavior pretty annoying? Well, obviously it's you. And that's how annoying you sound everyday to everyone around you and everyone who has to put up with listening to it."

It may be time-consuming to do this, but if you are saavy with computer & technology, this may just be the remedy. I would even threatened to show it to extended family and any of her friends who come over too.

I do a lot of babysitting and did raise five children. My little 5 year old Chloe likes to whine a lot to her parents. She has learned that this method works with them. I tell her I don't do whining, and will not listen to her when she does this. So Chloe does not whine with me. I simply ignore her, telling her I will listen when she can talk normal to me. Kids know how to control themselves. They also know that whining gets on your nerves so you will do anything she is whining about, or screaming for. This is a learned process. You need to sit her down and explain you will no longer tolerate her whining, or screaming. You will only listen to her when she speaks in a normal tone, and stick to that!!! Once she realizes it no longer works, she will stop this behavior. Good luck, I know it is hard....

Wowzers! My now 12 year old son was similar in many ways. Here's what worked for us.

Our overall philosophy was that you had to be a positive member of the family (e.g. no whining, no yelling, no temper tantrums) if you wanted to be included in the family. Children spoke respectfully to parents and siblings. If you couldn't be a positive member of the family, you were excused to your room. This works very well if you strip her bedroom of everything but the bed and clothes. In our house, all the toys were in our living room (which was really a playroom). This way, the bedroom is boring and not a fun place to be unless you're sleeping.

First, whiney voice had to stop. I simply told my son that I can't hear him when he whines. If he whined, he had to resay it in a proper tone or go to his room. If we were out and about and he chose not to control the whining, we immediately went home and he sat in his room.

Second, screaming has to stop. Same thing...if you can't be nice and polite, you can sit in your room (we actually had a special chair) until you can be nice.

Three, don't engage when she's like this. She gets to sit in her room until she can be a positive functioning member of the family.

Lots of room time, I know. My son spent LOTS of time in his room as he worked through his issues. We added a dash of positive to all this by issuing "goody tickets" when my son behaved well. Goody tickets could be traded in for privileges and fun things. TV time cost goody tickets, a treat while out shopping cost goody tickets, a playdate cost goody tickets. So, my son quickly learned that if he wanted to do anything fun (outside of playing with his brother, which was free <wink>), he needed to have those goody tickets. Slowly (too slowly sometimes) his behavior changed.

Consistency is key. I think it took a week or so to see some improvement, about 6-8 weeks to see real improvement but by about 3 months, he was over it. Longest three months of my life. I'm very happy to share, though, that when my sons are in crabby mode, they automatically go to their rooms until they can be nice again. Self-imposed time out, if you will.

I strongly recommend "Parenting with Love and Logic." This will give you even more practical tools on how to deal with this.

Good luck,
Steph :)

We had the exact problem and now have come thru the fire so to speak. Our entire family adopted a zero tolerance policy to one thing at a time, for example. today we decide no more scream talking and every time she scream talks we say, do not talk to me in that tone you will not get any thing you ask for in that tone. period, regardless of how inconvenient it was for us....
The reason we did it adding one thing at a time was so that she did not feel totally ganged up on. We started complimenting and rewarding everytime she responded appropriately. It can reach a point you have 6 things going at once you are trying to change but each will be at its own stage of accomplishment. It is tricky with siblings and we had to have her brother come to us as it was hard for him not to come across very mean with the new policy (he's 15). I started pointing out mean girls on her tv shows and the nice girls and comparing them to her behavior.
We added theater classes for an outlet and got more things for her to do in the house like beading and art stuff. Things we could do together and have good times to reflect on when the punishments got to be escalating., I was able to say to her 'remember what a good time we had when we were working together do our art lets try and feel like that now."
Now one year later we are a much a happier family good luck.....

Hello, I would tell her that she is not going to be able to demand anything any more and that if she does, you will not listen to her. Then completely ignore her. It will probably take a couple of weeks of this, but eventually, she will get the picture. Tell the rest of the family the same thing and they will have to go along with it or she will zoom in on them. It isn't going to be easy, but it should make things easier.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I refuse to answer anything said to me in that tone of voice. I remind the offending child that I will not answer unless asked politely, and if she continues instead of making the effort to speak reasonably, I send her out of the room. At that point, she gets no answer, or the request is automatically met with the answer of, "No!"

One reason my daughter does this is that she finds it "boring" to maintain a reasonable voice and attitude. If she's carrying on, and every tiny thing is turned into a huge deal, she feels happier about her life. She feels that I am a wet blanket for "stifling" her. I don't care that she thinks reasonable behavior is "boring" - I insist on it anyway.

Teach her that whiny behavior doesn't get what she wants. If she screams & whines for her brother to move over, you tell her brother to not move, and you tell her that whiny behavior doesn't get what she wants. When this is consistent, the whiny behavior will stop.

Hi R.,
Whining is a common way for kids (and adults) to "get what they want". Most parents get annoyed and then give in and kids know that. They are trained to whine until they get what they want.

Whining is simple to correct. It may not be easy, but it is simple. 2 simple steps:

1. You must TEACH the behaviour you want, and NOT IN THE MOMENT. Spend 5 mins a couple times a day discussing what kind of behaviour will get results in the family. Whenever she uses the correct tone congratulate her and tell her how proud you are that she is in your family. She will need to be reminded MANY TIMES per day. Think that is silly, do you think that she should “know better”? Think about this…go take a drive and count how many speed limit signs there are on the road, how many stop signs there are...how many traffic lights there are. Drivers KNOW the rules of the road, the speed limits, stop at a corner etc…so why are there so many REMINDERS? Because we all need constant reminders of the behaviour that is appropriate to our leading healthy productive lives. REMIND HER OF THE BEHAVIOURS YOU WANT.

When the whining begins, immediately say in a very clear tone, "Stop. We do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine, then we don't do that (this works with many behaviours). If you want something, need something or are upset about something we discuss it, we don't whine in this family. In this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give her the opportunity to calm down and formulate her thoughts)"

Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on her part. There are no consequences, just facts. Time out is really an ineffective approach. Sending them away to "think about it" mayjust frustrate them more and help them think of more "creative ways" to get what they want. Keeping her in the same room and helping her work through it is the best solution. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations. Compare it to work, if you boss gave you a new task and said, "go, take it to your office and when you know how to do it come back" you would be frustrated and maybe even furious. Help her work through it so that she can learn what you want and accept in your family.

The other day we were at a friends place visiting. BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my conference call at 7 PM. I said: “We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a conference call and we will be home in time, alright?” Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier. Preparation is important. Everyone likes to know what is expected of them.

Some might argue for “teaching negotiation skills” or “seizing the opportunity”, and I agree. But some times there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.

Does this help?

B.
Family Success Coach

Hello R.,
I agree with Gail, one thing I'd like to add, behavior that shows up is being reinforced. She gets a payoff for her behavior. When the payoffs stop coming, the behavior will change, but the shift needs to come from you. When behavior modification takes place there is often an escalation of the undesirable behavior because it worked before, so why isn't it working now? You need to be patient through the escalation, which is where many people give up. They say, "I tried that and it got worse." Yes, it will get worse before it is extinguished. That is the pattern.
Good luck,
Wendy