How Can I Make This Right??

I see nothing wrong with what you said. I guess I'm in the minority, but if I said that to my husband (and I have said things like that to him) he'd be more likely to just agree with me and a conversation would have followed. He wouldn't have rolled over and gone to sleep. I call 'em like I see 'em and he's used to it.

Have you ever watched "Honey, I Blew up the Baby"? I think it has the most profound line in it as regards to parenting roles.

Rick Moranis is about to blow himself up to take care of the tyke. Mom says something along the lines of.......everyone knows that daddies mean play and mommies mean business.

here's what my husband would've said to that...if you didn't really feel that way, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SAID IT.

i don't blame you for saying that, but you do need to communicate back and forth better

Although you said it badly (apologize for that), it needed to be said.
No one is born knowing how to be a parent. You figure it out as you go along.
You've just figured things out a bit more quickly than your husband.
When he said your son acted badly and he was shocked, I think he was coming to the conclusion he needs to do something, he's just not sure what to do. You could have said "He hasn't done that for me in a long time, but when he did, I (gave him a time out, took away his favorite toy for a day, etc, whatever) and it hasn't been a problem (for you) since then.
It also helps if your son knows the misbehaving will be punished regardless of who he is with.
Keep communicating, but do it with kindness. Someday the kids will be grown and gone, but your husband is your partner through life.

You apologize. A good marriage is just chock full of opportunities to say something stupid, to say I'm sorry, and to be forgiven.

After your apology, breathe for a minute and then says something like: "I worry about our DS night and day. I think every parent does. I am always working on ways to be a better parent. One of the things I have come up with is immediate and firm but caring consequences for bad behavior. Seriously, this is really important to me and I think our DS really craves consistent discipline from both of us. Since I have come clean that I dropped the ball by ripping into you can you come clean about this and commit to giving my consequences thing another try?"

Apologize....with no "But you should have..." or similar.

Yes--it was hurtful, but maybe, just maybe, it was something he needed to hear?

First things first, apologize. Wait till you have a quite moment, and then completely take responsibility for saying something very unkind.

Then, wait a couple of days, and bring it up again, but this time, in the form of "Honey, I need to talk to you about something really important" and broach the subject of his lack of disciplining the kid(s). Approach like, "I need your help. I realized when I made that outrageous statement the other day, that I'm really feeling a lot of pressure since it feels like most of the discipline falls on me." Then, outline how you need help (be specific, and let him also help come up with some ideas/suggestions on what appropriate punishment is. If you give him something he can help "fix" with concrete actions, it make appeal to his more (men like to "fix" things), and he may feel more comfortable applying the discipline if he has guidelines to follow.... but keep it simple. :) And good luck!

You do need to communicate. No matter what, you have some apologies to make. But do it right. Apologize for not thinking and being spiteful and hurting his feelings. DON"T apologize for bringing up a touchy subject.
The truth of the matter, is that you are not shocked. AT all. You fully expect this sort of thing when your son is with him. Correct? You know he won't enforce behavior rules or discipline your son, and that your son knows how to take advantage of that. So there is nothing shocking here, (except that your husband is shocked by the behavior).

Tell him you were angry. You mishandled your anger. You said something mean and spiteful and you are sorry and regret it. Tell him you said it out of frustration. That you are not shocked by your son's behavior at all. That that is what kids will do when they know there are no consequences. You relayed that to him in a terrible offensive way. You might be shocked that your husband is shocked by your son's behavior... (lol). But you are in no way surprised/shocked by the behavior itself. And you don't feel it is fair that all the discipline falls to you to enforce. My husband sometimes fusses at me for letting the kids go too far with things. For that very reason. HE doesn't want to always be the disciplinarian. And he's right. It's not fair to that parent.

And yeah... we've all said some pretty boneheaded things to our spouse. And they to us, most likely. Assuming your marriage is solid, you will overcome this like so many other spats. :))

I would make a simple, sincere applogy without excuses for why you were mad enought to say something hurtful. Then drop it. Do not try to justify your actions with what he did to make you mad. Excuses will always probably tinge this conversation now, so you are probably best to let it rest and just own up to what you did.

M.

First, apologize for the way it came out but then seize this opportunity to open up a communication re: parenting your son. Something like "I'm really sorry for what I said last night. It didn't come out right. I think you're a wonderful parent but I've been feeling like we're not on the same page re: discipline and it's been bothering me." and then sit down and figure out a discipline plan that you guys can both work with b/c really, consistency is key. Good luck! and don't feel too horrible -- what you said wasn't THAT bad. I was ready to read some really juicy stuff given your subject line and was disappointed (which is good for you!) ;)

Apologize. Tell him that you weren't thinking straight when you blurted that response and ask him to let you explain. Then tell him that you think he is a great father but because he tends to avoid the discipline aspect of parenting you feel your son takes advantage of that. Explain that your son does not typically behave that way with you and you suspect it has to do with knowing you will discipline him. From your observations, your son does know how to act but, like all kids, will push those boundaries when the think or know they can. If he were to start dealing with this by disciplining him when necessary he would most like not act that way with him.

Hi D.,
Oh, those words just jump out sometimes, don't they? First of all, you should apologize to him. Tell him that you were wrong to say that, and would he please forgive you. Then, ask him if the two of you could sit down and discuss his ideas on what he wants in regards to discipline and parenting your son. Work together to have a goal in mind for him when he's older. Then, how do you get from here to there? Together, work out what you two think is right for discipline and behavior. Together you will have a plan. It won't be that you do one thing and he does another. You have the same plan. He may end up wanting to adopt your methods since they seem to be working. But, he may not. Work through the issues. Listen to his heart on this. Remind him gently that his son needs him to step up and parent in these issues more than anything else. Eventually, your sweet little boy will be a growing man, needing his father's imput way more than his mother's. Dad needs to get on board now in order for that to be a natural progression. My sons are 18, 16, and 14. If my husband hadn't been very involved in this area when they were little boys, it would be a nightmare, I would think. They have a great relationship, with a lot of respect. But, it has taken years of hard work to get there. I'm actually excited for you because this may end up being the catlyst you two need to get dad more involved. He needs to see his important role in this, and that it cannot be delegated to anyone else. Help him to get a vision for his family. Blessings!

Apologize, obviously. The reason you popped off and he gave you the silent treatment was pent-up frustration. You're frustrated with each other because you don't have a plan, so you each do the best you can, but you aren't on the same page. Sit down (include your son if he's old enough to participate) and decide what punishments are fair for breaking what rules, and agree. This is your Plan. When your son misbehaves with Dad, Dad knows what to do, and he also knows jr. made the choice to misbehave, and so earned the consequence. No drama.

I do not think what you said was wrong, just came across more hurtful than intended. It's about time you all had a dialogue about this to reach a resolution.

Tell him you are sorry for how you worded it and didn't mean to hurt his feelings. First, let him know what you appreciate about his parenting and the things he does well. Then, let him know your expectations that you are wanting him to step up and be responsible for teaching the children appropriate behavior, as they look to him for guidance and correction as well.

Fathers have a unique way of parenting, they tend to over or under discipline and neither is good.

Dr. Sears a child expert tackles this with a few simple tips to specifically help fathers become better disciplinarians Perhaps you can have a calm, yet serious sit down together about this, print out the article and read it together:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T110100.asp#T110300

Perhaps he simply feels lost on HOW to discipline. Once again, Dr. Sears breaks down specific discipline techniques and the psychology of why they work:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Dear D.,
I have a completely different take. i am reading a great book. "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. It makes a good case against rewards and punishments for dealing with behavioral issues. I know it sounds crazy, but it makes some sense. you may want to check into it. UP is changing my way of thinking about a great deal of things.

BTW, we all have slips of the tongue when we are tired. forgive yourself. be kind to yourself.
GL. jilly

Communication is key. As soon as you see your hubby again, apologize. Tell him what you told us. And to help smoothe it over, I would make sure you stick a compliment or two in there. Men's egos are pretty frail. LOL! Good luck D.. We've all said something to our hubby the wrong way that we had to glue back together. It'll be fine as long as you talk about it. :)

Sincerely apologize. No "I'm sorry,but..." Just say you're sorry and leave it at that.

I think your intended message was right, but perhaps not said in the nicest way :)

I would apologize to him for the way you said that to him, that you were just upset about the situation. Then follow with, "What I really meant to say..." and explain to him how he needs to start being involved with discipline. He needs to take control, otherwise your son will continue to take advantage of him and know that it's ok to do what he wants when he is with Dad.

I don't know of any specific ones, but perhaps there's a book supporting equal parenting as far as disciple. Something that might better explain the consequences of his not being involved. It might make more of an impression coming from someone else than just you. Right now it seems it's your opinion against his, and he thinks you are wrong, of course. A third party "expert" might show him that you are not making this stuff up :)

My husband & both discipline our daughter when needed, but our problem is that it's never the same kind of discipline. He has been gone for half of our daughter's life, so I've been the main one to discipline & he doesn't know exactly what's going on. Hopefully we will get straightened out :)

Maybe your son was just very tired or over-tired or hungry at that time.
These things makes kids fussy.
Maybe your Husband thought of that. And that overall, your son does not usually... act up at his Speech Therapy....
no kid is always spot on.... in behavior or moods or demeanor.... like adults. Adults are just supposed to have better impulse control about it....

Anyway, each Spouse manages children differently. My Husband and I.... do too, at times. He is better at some things with the kids, than I am and visa versa.
We accept that.

all the best,
Susan

Ooops. Maybe DH doesn't give 'consequences' because on some level they do not seem right to him. Have the two of you talked about this when you were not upset? There are other approaches. We don't do consequences (logical or otherwise) because they don't make a lot of sense to me (yes I know it's a popular way of parenting). Perhaps the two of you can discuss other options. If you decide you are interested try googling positive discipline for some ideas. Oh, and of course you know you have to apologize :)

Hello, You can't make it right, he has to. I was married to a wonderful man for 43 years. He passed away last March. I miss him so much. However, he never liked to deal with the discipline either. We have four grown kids. It was very difficult always being the "bad" guy. The kids found that they could go and ask him to let them do anything and he would say "Yes." It was easier than arguing with them. They didn't argue with me, they knew a "No" meant a "No". When they became teenagers, it was almost unbearable. Your husband should help with this. You shouldn't feel guilty about telling how you feel.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Oh sweet D.! I can tell you feel so horrible about saying this. First, yes apologize sincerely. Tell him you are frustrated that "it seems" you are always left to discipline, and ask for his help. Really try to understand why he doesn't discipline or what type of discipline he would be comfortable with - that is a good starting point. Also be open to reassessing your discipline style; perhaps he has some suggestions that you could consider. Lastly, but certainly very important: he needs to take responsibility for his part in creating last night's situation and consider apologizing to you. Peace to both of you. B.

It is not fair for one parent to bear the brunt of disciplining a child. It sets you up to be the bad guy, and in the long run won't make his son love him more. It's bad all the way around. Sure, you could have said it differently... however, sometimes people need to feel a little stung before they wake up and realize what they're doing is wrong. I'm not advocating being purposely mean. I'm saying I don't think it's for you to make right. I would probably bring up the subject when your son's not around. Mention that you regret saying it the way you said it, but that you are truly frustrated with him setting you up like this. Maybe the two of you can spell out for one another what your expectations are of your son. There are probably some discrepancies. Ask him what you can do to support his taking a more active role in disciplining when necessary.

My husband and I have had a few small discussions about this because he was tending to parent in a way to avoid meltdowns instead of parenting to teach our toddler to behave appropriately. We are always going to do some things differently. As long as we are working toward the same goal, I'm fine with that.

Best wishes,

S. :+)

You have had some good advise... I feel that the parent that was there and witnessed the bad behavior should be the one who discplines. Im in the the same situation with my husband working out of town for about 75% of the month, so yes I am the primary discplinary, which I dont like, so when hubby comes home he specifically says he doesnt want to do since he doesnt see our son much, but also knows he has to! And my son sees us talking about how to handle whatever situation it is, a united front ..

Good Luck its not easy!

I think Ellis is right: apologize and address the issue. When I goof up with my husband, I apoligize and try to explain my feelings in a way that doesn't make him out to be a villian.

I've had to have a similar coversation,(as have many, many mothers) and explaining why it upsets me helps. "I feel that, when I am the only one consistently disciplining our child, it puts me into the position of being the heavy, and you get to be the "Fun One". I would like to get to be the Fun One too, sometimes. It puts our relationship out of balance when you decide not to follow through on correcting our son when he needs it, and it puts your relationship with him out of balance as well. He needs to see both of us as equally strong and caring and wants us to show him the right way to do things, not ignore him when he makes these mistakes."

There's something to be said in regard to our desire for our kids to just get along, or for us to feel they *like* us. I think some parents don't want to come down too hard, like their own parents might have, and they don't have any other way in mind other than the path of least resistance. Parenting classes can help, and taking one together with him might help too. Look around in your area; you might find one that suits both your personalities and values as parents. Get a babysitter and make it a date. This could be an opportunity to come together in the best interest of your son and strengthen your marriage at the same time.

Best wishes,
H.