How Can I Help My 4Yo's Maturity Catch up to His Intellect?

I'm a high school teacher...we had a student from the elementary school taking advanced high school math classes...talk about disparity between intellectual maturity vs. behavioral maturity!

I also have a friend with a 4 year old who is off the charts big in height and weight and so people expect more of him than is age appropriate. I admit that sometimes I am surprised by his behavior and then remind myself of how young he is.

I have a 5 year old only child with many of the struggles you mention...he's not seriously advanced intellectually (though he is quite bright), but he struggles with sympathy, empathy and with appropriately handling anger and frustration.

So far all I've done is to point out that I understand your question. The only help I feel qualified to offer is on the anger/frustration topic as it is a real concern with regard to my son...he gets very angry and hits, kicks, says horrible things, throws things, breaks things...this morning he intentionally spilled coffee on the new rug and smiled when he got caught...all because he didn't get his way. (I'm not sure I'm overly proud of my handling of the coffee thing...) Anyway...I have made it goal number one to help him learn to control his anger...probably so high on my list because it may be the biggest reason that I divorced his Dad. I have found that a lot of talk and conversation at a quiet, unemotionally charged time about how to properly handle example situations comes in very handy when such situations arise. When I begin to see his anger escalate, I calmly ask him how he should handle the situation to force him to think about what is happening...at that moment sometimes he does stop, think and act appropriately...other times he doesn't, BUT sometimes he does it "the right way" all on his own now and he never used to. When he does I congratulate him and talk about what he did well and offer him some type of reasonable reward.

That's what I have to offer...hope it's helpful.

I have the same problem. My 4 yo is a major sore loser. I read books to him. He is a book worm and any message I want to get across works best through books. Books like 'Hands are not for Hitting', 'Winning is not everything' etc work magic. Find out what works best for your son and try that mode out, whether it is movies, books, or some other adult getting the message across.

Read him books that teach behavior, manner...any lessons you want to emphasize.

And have playdates at home. Put him in a situation where he has to interact, make mistales and learn from them.

Do not be perfect parents. Its ok to yell and be mad just so he sees how to resolve an anger issue. Say sorry and hug your spouse and your son will get it.

F. - I too am struggling with this and my son just turned 4 yesterday. I am going to speak with the pediatrician at his well visit tomorrow. Although I have seen a huge improvement from 3 yr to 4 yr, there is still alot of work to be done. He too is in daycare full time and the teachers say he is no mean or malicious, but he does have space issues, (meaning he will invade others space, usually when he is not interested in whatever activity they are doing), they also said he has listening issues, although I think that is just typical of 4 yr olds. I'll let you know what I hear, but I am glad you posted this as I was going to later this weekend. Maybe together we can find something that works for both our guys.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. As the mother of a gifted child, I know a little about dealing with expectations of more mature behavior (both mine and others). Remember, he will eventually mature emotionally, as children do, but it will be as he grows older. The sore loser thing is typical behavior, don't stress about it! Good luck!

Dear F.,
His maturity isn't going to catch up to his intellect, it is his maturity that is normal for his age. Parents (and other people) often make the mistake of thinking that an academically advanced small child is going to behave like an older child. He's not, he shouldn't be expected to and others need to adjust their expectations. Maturity is not something you can teach or push. In soccer, he'll cry when he loses like every other 4 year old on his team. Most 4 year olds will be upset when they lose at Candyland, kids who have tantrums don't necessarily have parents who scream at them. I was one of four kids and I didn't like to share. His behavior is very normal. I think the best thing that you can do is to adjust the expectations and not tie them to his educational abilities.
Good luck

Well your son sounds like his behavior fits his age. You are doing good things to help him learn better social skills and impulse control but it takes time. I did counseling with a lot of elementary school age kids who were still working on these things. Hopefully the tantrums will be gone or on their way out by the time he is 5 or so.

My son is 3.5 and looks as much as a year older. He is bright and curious (no formal testing for IQ or anything) but his behavior hasn't been very good since his sister was born in December. The temper tantrums, impulsiveness, hitting and playing too rough, etc. One thing I found helps is talking through a negative behavior later when everyone is calm. Ask him how else he could have handled a situation and give him a few positive responses (asking for a toy instead of grabbing it for example). If you have done this a few times then you can just remind him if you catch him before he does something that gets him in trouble (even if it doesn't work every time). Also, I find my son acts up the most when he is tired or hungry (so at least you know when to expect the tantrums).

As for teaching empathy, it is a good thing to do but 4 might be a little young for it to sink in yet. Studies show that preschoolers literally can't see things from another point of view yet. That skill develops in most kids between 5 and 7.

Hi. It may help to tell him how it makes you feel honestly when he's behaving that way. You don't have to back away from asserting the disciplinary stuff. By adding the honest feedback you are giving him accountability which leads to maturity. The results are not always immediate, so don't expect a textbook immediate response of 'im sorry'. Just let it sink in with him. Talk to him like you were talking to someone your own age but give him new response options (sentences) to replace the ones he's using; provide statements you want to hear from anyone including your son like: 'You can say "please help me with this mama" instead of screaming'. Good luck.

F.,

As you've found out intelect has nothing to do with maturity.

The maturity issue is your job. A constant daily guide in the right direction, reading him books, showing him examples, living by example etc.

I've met a lot of smart people who are emotional the size of a pin. And emotional mature people who if had greater intelligence it would have taken them to the next level in life (no game plan).

read the book, 1,2,3 magic...it works magic, i swear! good luck

Congratulations on having such a bright child, but remember he is a kid. Let him be a normal 4 year old. Your description of him is that of most 4 year olds. What's wrong with that? Rather than trying to help him mature faster, try helping others adjust their expectations and accept your son for who he is.