Hot and Cold Neighbors Tearing 5 Yr Old Daughters Heart Out

It really doesn't matter any more what it is. They are obviously pulling away. So instead of continuing to focus on this relationship just blow it off and do your best to forage new relationships for your daughter.

You can be sorry and acknowledge your daughters hurt feelings, but it sounds like you may be getting into it with her a bit too much. Time to move on.

If she is in school, ask her who she likes at school and invite them over. Get her involved in something out of school where she can meet other kids and do the same. Don't make a big deal about this other girl. They may grow back together at some point, or may not, but I believe the best you can do for your daughter is to help her know how to make new friends and find avenues where she can meet them.

Not for nothing, but when you expect there to be adult supervision when the children are playing then it's up to you to make sure that there's follow through. If their parenting style is more relaxed than yours and they don't feel the children need constant supervision when in their home and on their property then it's going to be up to you to provide the supervision. You should have probably made sure to offer your home up for play dates and/or made arrangements so that you had "mom dates" at the same time as the play dates. The other mom is probably feeling judged and as if she was being told how to parent the kids, and/or perhaps feeling taken advantage of in your daughter spending time there and maybe even feeling hurt by you appearing not to trust having your daughter to be in her care without direction... especially after your daughter bit hers.

And it's kind of a sucky thing when another child bites your child. Some parents have a hard time getting over it until their own child bites someone else. If you didn't apologize for your daughter biting theirs, it's never too late. But "acting strangely" when a friend's child bites yours isn't really strange at all. It's uncomfortable and difficult to know how to react.

This isn't to judge you at all. But I think that your neighbor is feeling hurt from these interactions and it seems that maybe you didn't acknowledge just how tricky the situations were or make any apologies to her. So she's backing out of the friendship and trying not to hurt your feelings or your daughter's feelings. I might try to approach her one on one and make some apologies to her. If that doesn't work, then you need to stop allowing your daughter to call them all the time. Encourage your daughter to make some other friends and make play dates with those new friends. When she asks why she can't play with Friend Across The Street be as neutral as you can and tell her that play dates are difficult to arrange right now with her mom but you're trying to work things out.

Edited to add: The reason I think you need to stop your daughter from calling their house all the time is because it's coming across as emotional blackmail. "How can they refuse a play date request from my cute little daughter!" But they're holding firm, aren't they? And you're left with a sad and disappointed little girl and it's not the neighbor's fault for saying no. It's yours for allowing your daughter to call them before you've worked things out with the parents.

Well my daughter recently told me that she wants to stop hanging around with her friend down the street, she says she is always lying to her, and hits her h*** o* the arm. Im not going to call her mom and stir up things, they are perfectly lovely people, My daughter holds the reigns on this friendship, if confronted i would gladly explain but inittiating the talk would be "too official" im afraid, i want my daughter to decide whether or not to continue the friendship without my intrusion.

My point is, maybe the bite your daughter gave to her friend was just the time you noticed...maybe there are similar attacks they never talked about. Maybe that little girl gets to decide who is and isnt her friend, perhaps she is still deciding, or has already.

Not to sound cold, but it just sounds like their daughter isn't that interested in being friends with your daughter. That's it. And really, you shouldn't expect the parents to enforce their daughter being friends with yours. Kids make their own friends... not always of our choosing.. and you will realize this more and more as your kids get older.

Our daughter is friendly with a little girl in our neighborhood. They are not the same age (2 years difference, ours is the older one). The other little girl goes through spells where she will call every day and ask if my daughter can come over and play. Sometimes my daughter will, sometimes she has no interest. I try to encourage her to return the call and let her know that she will or won't be going to play... but I refuse to force her to. You may disagree with that, but my daughter is not the one choosing to call repeatedly. Just because someone leaves a message on my machine doesn't necessarily require me to return the call. Yes, it is generally good manners to do so... and I encourage that. But if my daughter isn't really that interested in the friendship, then the little girl will figure that out when her calls aren't returned, won't she? I'm not the relationship police for my kids. They are their own person. I encourage manners and kindness of course. But it is a learning experience for both the kids.
Maybe if the other little girl is not interested in your daughter, you should just accept that, rather than automatically blaming her parents for having something against YOU? It probably has nothing to do with you.

That said, we have a pool. And I would find it odd if another child's parent told me to only allow their child to swim if I was within arm's reach of them. REally??? Why don't you come watch them yourself then? (In fact, that is my rule. Your kid is in my pool, you are right there too). Or say that your child is not allowed to swim. One or the other. YOU be the bad guy and tell your kid they can't... don't put it on me b/c I am sitting 10 feet away reading a book and was not planning on being in the water that day.

I think it's time for your daughter to expand her circle of friends so she is not so dependent on the neighbors.
Sign her up for a gymnastics, dance, or tae kwon do class so she can meet other girls outside of school.
They might still play together once in awhile, but sometimes friendships cool off, and then it's time to move on.
And please stop letting your daughter leave 5 voicemails a week with the neighbors. They are not responding, so only call them once every few weeks, maybe once a month.

Your neighbors are trying politely to back away from a friendship. You need to initiate some play dates with other children. At 5 your daughter will have many good friends and friendships will end.

About the pool issue, If my five year old was going to be swimming, I would not expect anyone else to watch her, you or dad should be doing that, unless you were paying a sitter. Your instructions to your neighbors about watching her, may have put them off.

Find some new friends and don't let your child call the neighbor's home only to feel rejected and/or ignored. Redirect her energy to other things and other kids.

Blessings.....

If you think the distance is due to one of these incidents, my hunch, is that it was the pool request. Kids bite. My daughter bit a friend when they were toddlers, and it mortified me. If it were an issue where your daughter had a pattern of biting, that might be different. But, I kind of doubt they are upset about a bite.

I have to agree that the request of arms length reach of your daughter might have been taken to mean they aren't responsible. I'm sure that wasn't your intent. My kids swim at friends' houses and I will ask about the pool rules or provide a life jacket or something if I can't be there. Whatever the case, your families had been friends for awhile and you might have just told them you don't trust their judgement in their own pool. Having kids around water is scary. We have a pond, and I would never let kids swim without me right there(within 10 ft or so), or have them wear life jackets. I realize there are parents out there who maybe aren't so careful. But you know these parents pretty well. That request may have been a little much in their opinion. I absolutely think that as a parent, you have to protect your kids and asking about guns in the house or if an adult will be present by the pool is acceptable. But, if you making "demands' on the distance, you need to just be there yourself or not let her swim. I agree with the poster who has a pool. Ours is a pond, but if I was told I had to be within arm's reach, I would have to get in the water. That ain't happening every time they want to swim. I will sit right next to the water, but not be in it.

Now, it could be like others said. Their daughter has made friends with others and may not have the desire to invite your daughter over, much anymore. It happens. Find some other girls to invite over and maybe their friendship will rekindle again in the future.

If you want to get to the bottom of it, flat out ask again. This time, bring up the pool comment. Tell them you didn't mean to offend - see if that sparks a conversation on whether or not that was the reason for the distance.

Good luck :)

You likely already have looked for something else your daughter may have done but it is possible as someone else said that there have been other incidents. There's a girl in our neighborhood who I put the brakes on with for awhile bc she's constantly causing some kind of trouble. She just drives me crazy. And to be honest, I'm a bit hot and cold with the mom herself. I did really like her at first but she's rather spoiled which sometimes I just can't handle. I am very aware of not being too hot and cold though so I will still do playdates at both our houses but it's not as frequent as it once was. We also had some other kids move in who play better with our daughters and are even closer by. So maybe your daughter hasn't been really well behaved at their house. And as someone else said, the arms length rule in the pool may have been too much. Do you offer to watch your daughter if she's swimming there? Your request may have annoyed them if it made things too inconvenient for them. It is kind asking a lot.

I am really sorry you are in this situation, I feel for you because we went through the same thing with my son & another boy in the neighborhood. They were great friends & played together constantly @ both our houses, we got along well with his parents & everything. All of a sudden tho, the other boy just stopped coming around. We live in Texas so it has already been summer wether here for a couple of weeks now & things have slowly just gotten better. It was awkward @ first, bumping into them @ the community splash pad or park but now the playdates have resumed & I cant really tell you why, or why they stopped for a little while.

This may sound bad but I honestly think its because I kind of gave up on trying to get the boys together & started making play dates more frequently with other kids. They had been doing the same, which was the hardest part because my son could see the other boy out playing with someone else & didnt understand why he hadnt been invited. It seemed like as soon as they got a taste of their own medicine, their son seeing mine play with others things quickly changed.

I hope things get better for you & your daughter! It is tough to be going through.

I agree - time to move on. Your daughter has all her eggs in these people's basket. They may have had a lot of trouble adjusting to the biting - that's not unusual. Of course they should supervise children in the pool, but they either don't do it as intently as they should or they were insulted by you telling them so. Maybe they feel 5 feet away is just as good as arm's length - who knows?

In any case, a voice mail a week is pretty overpowering, and your daughter is learning how to be a nuisance. They aren't calling you back because they don't want to give a reason for saying no, and they don't want to get together. How would you feel if another child did that to you? You wouldn't know what to say - there are only so many excuses you can come up with. This family is ignoring you - they may not want to get into any discussion of their irritation because they are defensive or because they don't think anything will come of it. Sometimes it's best if neighbors just keep their distance. If you don't think they are very good parents, then why keep forcing the issue? For whatever reason, that other child doesn't want to come to your house, or has been told she cannot. It's hard to tell.

Your daughter must have other friends from school or from an activity. Encourage those. Invite one of those kids over. Invite another parent to meet you at the park or a nature area. Buy and install a bird feeder - watch nature. Go for ice cream with another child. Get a couple of kids together to kick a soccer ball around. Go to a movie. Encourage your daughter to find new and exciting playmates, and not just a single one. If there is fun stuff happening in your yard, maybe the other girl will want to come over to play. But don't make that the goal. This girl is not your daughter's best friend - she doesn't want to see her on a regular basis. So your daughter needs to stop thinking of her as a best friend, and she needs to find others.

Good luck.

I would get away from this family and expand your circle of playmates for your daughter. Stop letting her initiate the contact and have your daughter play with other kids and invite others over. Maybe in time, they will want to get together and will let their daughter play with yours but for some reason its not happening now. Friendships change and it may have worked then but just doesn't work now for whatever reason. GL!

M

This won't be the first time that a friend pulls away from your daughter, best to redirect her attention to other friends or making new friends. My daughters do YMCA soccer, Tee-ball, girl scouts, so there are always other friends if one should decide to pull away. It's irrelevant to try to explain the behavior of the neighbors because the fact remains that they are deciding they don't want to be involved. The end result is the same no matter the explanation, and clearly, since you have tried to talk to them, there's nothing you will be able to do about this. Just tell your little girl (and stop letting her call them, you're letting her hopes linger too long) that they are busy or something like that. She's 5, she won't dwell on it if you don't.

My child has hot and cold friends. I met their parents who are the same way.
It is unnerving to wonder what I could have done to offend them. I am frankly fed up with it, but she adores their daughter. They deny anything is wrong as well.

I have asked them over repeatedly and the daughter invites herself over weekly, but the M. says no without explanation. She finally came over this weekend and the girls are close again. If possible, invite the girl over before summer, before she makes a new best friend.

Also, perhaps you could have cookies or something and drop them off.
Our neighbor got mad at us for something the other neighbor did. She figured since we brought desert to them we were innocent(she should have known anyway).

I told my child that sometimes I need a break from friends and sometimes I want to visit with a friend I have not seen for awhile so she needs to make several friends. Plus, this one is moving in 2 years probally.

Also, my child has girls who are friends only if no one else is around. I don't consider that a friend. I am trying to teach her to figure that out. I want her to dump the mean ones who lie, hit, etc..