We joined Daisy Scouts last winter. Another mom initiated a friendship between my daughter and her daughter. I have written about this girl before in my "what age for sleepovers" and "my son hit a girl with a towel" posts. This girl was my daughter's first real friend.
My daughter went swimming a few times at this girl's house. The mom took pictures of my daughter and her daughter and put them on Facebook tagging me saying they were having a great time and she wrote that our daughters would be hanging out swimming all summer. I invited this girl to our house once, but it didn't work out. She left after a few minutes because she was bored with the slip n slide.
In regards to the sleepover, I left a voicemail explaining my concerns over it. ,She never responded to my voicemail and we didn't speak about it. I thought this was strange. (They invited my daughter to a sleepover early on and I didn't feel comfortable with it until the kids and our families got to know each other better.)
She had a baby a few months ago. I painted a onesie for her new daughter. I like to paint and thought a homemade gift would be thoughtful. I got a thank you over text when she was telling me about some daisy scout event. I found that a little insincere. A thank you over a text. Maybe I'm weird for feeling this way.
She became a lead helper at scouts. Although she was polite to me at events, she wasn't interested in talking to me. I would go up to her and try to start a conversation, but something was odd. I overheard her trying to make playdates with other moms. Which is fine, but we seemed like old news to her. She ignored her daughter at events and my husband or I were left to keep an eye on them. Her daughter wouldn't listen to her if she told her not to do something.
Anyway, my daughter went swimming at their house in the beginning of the summer. The mom told me that they were going on vacation for about 3 weeks but maybe the girls could hang out when they got back. By mid July, I heard nothing from them. I saw pictures of her daughter at girl scouts camp. We were never told about this camp. My daughter considered this girl a very good friend. I texted the mom over a week ago to see if the kids could get together. She said maybe the weekend. Never heard from her.
Now I'm just wondering, do I keep trying to plan play dates with this girl or give up? I think they've moved on from us.
The mom is going to be leader of the brownies troop in the fall. We won't be returning because my daughter wants to do softball.
I guess I just don't want my daughter to be bored this summer. Her only friends are a girl from preschool who lives in another county, the girl who lives next door to the sex offender, and this girl from scouts.
Would you bother or just move on?
A lot of responses I receive on here are- "she's just not that into you." So every mom I meet is not "into" me? Why do they bother befriending us then? I didn't seek this woman or her daughter out. I just went with the flow. Also, this mom just had a baby. When I had my kids, I was very overwhelmed. I didn't think to make play dates and such. I am also not trying on my end. I'm expecting her to call us. Maybe I should try a little harder or move along.
Thanks for the advice. As for the people who like to hide behind the internet and bash people, you are real brave, kind Christian people. You don't know my situation or what I've been through. I discipline my kids. I occasionally make mistakes and don't do the right thing. I am human. I know I was wrong to send my son, who is always the tag along to his sister's friends house without my supervision. I gave into the girl's peer pressure of begging me to let them come over. I never told this woman I was giving her a break, I just thought of it that way. My son has had developmental delays. He has made strides in overcoming them. If someone takes something away from him, he gets very upset and it can escalate. I have since supervised him at a friend's house and when I saw kids taking away pool toys from him, the other parent would correct the other child or I would help him deal with his emotions.
We have friends, I am just not a social butterfly and never will be. I only want a few close friends, not a bunch of acquaintances. As far as the sleepover, the other family wanted the sleepover IMMEDIATELY that night. The mom called, the daughter showed up at our house asking. My daughter has never been to a sleepover before. She has had developmental delays as well, so I didn't think this was the best idea until the families got to know each other better.
Thank you to the person who suggested inviting the girl some place neutral. I texted the mom today and asked if I could take my daughter and her daughter skating. It took her a few hours to respond but she sounded thrilled. I also made it clear I was not going to bring my boys along.
I'd text her one more time, but not with a general "wanna hang out?" I'd do, "I'm taking Jane to Jump Junction on Tuesday at 10 am. Would you like to join us, or could I pick up Sara at 9:45 and bring her back around 1 pm?" Bet that would get a "yes" if she has still interest in you. With a new baby in the house it is very difficult to make plans. Taking 1 kid off her hands for a while would probably be appreciated.
She's just not that into you. Or your daughter.
Move on.
ETA: You said: "A lot of responses I receive on here are- "she's just not that into you." So every mom I meet is not "into" me? Why do they bother befriending us then? "
How do I put this?
If you're the common denominator in every failed relationship that you or your daughter have with other moms/their kids, than perhaps you need to consider your contribution to the relationship. Why do you think these moms aren't interested in staying friends with you/your daughter?
I don't think you need to "try a little harder."
ETA2: Also, don't throw a tantrum when someone gives you truth. Your son hit this woman's daughter in a stupid argument. Your son may very well have developmental issues, but that's no excuse for hitting. Both of my boys have ADHD and I've managed to teach them not to hit or treat others badly. Stop using his diagnosis as an excuse not to parent him.
Mary:
I'm sorry. This is going to be tough to hear - but - really?!
If this was MY daughter, I have already said "NO. You MAY NOT go to their home." however, you fail to recognize that statement? Why, because she didn't say it to you directly?
So let's say I'm the girls mom. This is what I would say to you.
I'm sorry you haven't taken my hint. I've tried to be nice. So let me explain this to you so that you will understand.
I had a baby a few months ago. You called to say "I'd like to give you a break". So my daughter goes to your home. She wants to leave after a 15 minutes as she was bored. The idea then came up to have your daughter come to my house to swim...okay. Fine. then you pushed your six year old son on me, my daughter and my home.
Your son then proceeds to HIT my daughter with a towel - hurting her - and you take both of your kids home. You punished your daughter for her brother's behavior. And you want my daughter to come to your home? No. I'm sorry. It isn't happening.
Your son needs to learn manners and self control. I will not allow my daughter to be put in a situation where she might get hurt by your son, whom it appears you have no control over.
You don't have friends because people view your son and his behavior and really, don't want to have to micromanage our older children when your son is around.
If you want a relationship with me, you will have to show that you can control your son and his behavior.
Thank you!
Girls Mom
Does that work for you? If you want a relationship with this W., you are going to have to be a PARENT and PARENT your children. Don't shove BOTH of your children off on people, when only ONE is invited.
Your daughter will be bored this summer. She needs to learn how to make friends and handle herself.
This isn't about you "going with the flow" this is about you having situational awareness. I hope you understand this. I am NOT trying to be mean. I am trying to help you understand what is going on. I hope this helps.
Move on . . . the ball is in her court. I would wait to see what happens, not expecting much. If they do get in touch I wouldn't say much to my daughter about it until plans are firmed up.
I would try to develop some other friendships for my daughter.
JMO.
Okay, so I assume your daughter is going into second grade, right?
Doesn't she have other school friends she can call and get together with? I wouldn't be so concerned with ONE friend. The mom may be busy, or maybe her daughter just doesn't want to play with yours anymore and she's hoping you'll take the hint without coming right out and saying it (which would be hurtful and embarrassing for both of you.)
Re the sleepover, well she may have been put off by your message. I mean, you know her from school and scouts, isn't that good enough? I have three kids, and they have literally had DOZENS of friends over the years. I knew some of the parents pretty well but most not as well (who has that kind of time?) Still we are friendly, communicate effectively and trust each other with our kids overnight, because we are reasonable people and part of a community. If a mom insisted on getting to know me better just so her daughter could stay over at my house I probably wouldn't go out of my way to encourage that friendship. Sorry but molesters and abusers are almost always family members and close friends so that kind of logic just doesn't make sense to me, or many people.
I just don't get why a girl your daughter's age only has three friends to choose from. I hope you will encourage her to pick up the phone and invite school friends over in the future. Not having those connections makes for a long and lonely summer. If you live in an area like ours (no kids close by) then yes, YOU have to make somewhat of an effort re planning ahead, driving, dropping off and picking up, but isn't it worth it?
I'd like to send Flaming Turnip a second flower.
She's hit the nail on the head.
She's probably remembering the last time her daughter went to your house and only stayed a few minutes. She probably thinks her daughter will not want a play date at your house, and she's got a new baby so is not up for a play date at her house.
I agree with the others that you should invite the daughter to a specific event and offer to pick up and drop off. If she declines or ignores that invite, then I would move on.
Here's what I think. You were friends with this person for well over 6 months and let your child go over for swim time and other stuff but you didn't trust them enough to let your child stay the night. That basically says to them that you don't trust them with your child. You sort of insulted them.
I don't think that was your intention, I would have let the kids have the sleepover.
You need to realize this family has moved on. The girls won't have anything in common since they aren't going to be doing an activity together each week.
It's time to move on.
She just had a baby. She is likely still taking it day by day and not trying to be rude or ignore you. Pick the friendship back up in the fall and make allowances for now.
I'd do both. I'd invite this girl specifically to something - your house, a bounce house, a cool park etc on a specific day. Maybe offer 2 options for which day - Tues or Wed... You texted if they could get together and maybe she's thinking you're looking for her to invite your daughter to their house... And it was vague. So eliminate that possibilty. Then see what happens. If she blows this off, then that's that. If she accepts, I'd still try to develop other friendships for your daughter though bc it's unlikely this mom/girl will ever be super reliable and all. As for the texted thank you, I'd let that go. Your gift was nice but not over the top or anything and she's likely super busy. Formal thank you notes with a baby suck. I did them but it wasn't easy so not everyone will. She at least acknowledged it.
You've expressed the interest. If you want to try one more time, invite her daughter for a specific day/time, not a general "can we get the girls together sometime?" Why are you upset that you were never told that the other girl was going to camp? The mom doesn't have to tell you all of their plans, and plenty of kids go to camp. It sounds like the mom is busy with an infant and is keeping the other kids busy with structured activities like camp, plus they have a pool so her kids are probably not bored even when they are at home. When my kids were young, they went to day camp in the summer even if I wasn't working during the summer. They liked the daily activities and socialization. I often had to turn down playdates for them from friends who were just hanging out at home for the summer.
I think you are over thinking this. Its just play dates for 5 year olds (6 year olds?) They have a new baby in he house, maybe life is just too hectic for them. Its hard for busy families to get their kids together.
I seriously would not over analyze it. Just go with the flow. If your daughter likes this girl, continue to throw out an invite every now and then. It doesn't have to be totally reciprocal all the time, nor constant. Friendships are pretty simple at that age. They can be friends with zero play dates. I wouldn't stress over when play dates are working out or not happening or seem to lessening or popping up out of the blue.... Just go with it.
I can only go off your side. She seems to have time to volunteer. Maybe her daughter liked your daughter and you annoyed the mom. Even if you did not say 'how tacky you did not send me a hand written mailed thank you card' to her face she might get that vibe from you.
Oh, I forgot the story about giving her a break and then sending all the kids back to her house. Yes, it was her daughter's idea, yet a pool, newborn and 3 small kids is CRAZY.
I would either move on, or if you truly care, make an effort to apologize (it could be handwritten and mailed) for let the kids go back to her house. I can only go off of what you wrote, but that alone could have caused her enough stress that she never wants to deal with it again. What ever I actually say to someone is 20 times less than how their child really misbehaved. So if she said your son hit her daughter with a towel, he could have done more.
*I was reading other posts. Seems like my post is similar. Like other have said, this advice is not meant to be hurtful, rather to let you see the point of view if this happened to us. I do give you credit for admitting your son's and your negative behavior.
Why don't you get your daughter into some sort of activity. Gymantics, karate, soccer.
Also if the mom just had a kid a few months ago her life is probably crazy. She probably is upset about the son incident. If anything I'd try for playdates outside the home like at a park where it can last a few hours and then everyone goes there separate way.
Well, considering her daughter complained about being bored on the slip-n-slide when she came over, maybe that is the reason why the mom is being cold - she feels your kids have nothing in common.
Maybe she wanted some time alone with the baby and when her daughter returned so quickly, she felt like you were no help in relieving her, plus the daughter probably spent the whole time complaining. Why would the mom send her daughter over to play with your daughter when all she heard was complaining about how boring it was to spend time together?
You also mentioned she just had a baby, maybe she's busy with that as well, and maybe the other moms she arranges playdates with have offered to help with the burden, plus their kids actually have fun together, so what is why she chooses them over your family.
I'd just move on, realize that you're not going along well (both kids and mamas), and find some playgroups. Try meetup.com, you might find some moms and kids open to playgroups, or you can try enrolling your daughter in a summer camp and other extracurricular activities where she can make friends other than the friends you mention.
PS: What's wrong with having the girl who lives next door to a sex offender come over for playtime? It's not her fault she has someone like that as a neighbor. At least you'll feel your daughter is more carefully watched than if you let your daughter go to her place, although I doubt she's interacting with the offender, unless her parents are just plain negligent. Just because she lives next door to an offender doesn't mean she or her parents aren't actual friendship material.
