Won't stop pooping his pants! My boyfriend and I are out of ideas on how to dissapline him! And mind you we are at each others throats over it too. My son is not his and I believe he's being too hard on him! I just need advise and ideas! We've grounded him, taken away his toys, threatened to tell his friends and still he does it a few times a week! Now mind you we just moved to another state a few months ago and my bfs daughter has moved in with us, my bf is also working and staying in another town during the week, so there has been some major adjustments...but to all of a sudden start ____@____.com in his pants?? Please help!!
Thanks,
S.'
First off I would like to thank those who gave advise instead of judgement! And if you read my original post I too believe that my bf is being to hard on him as well! That's why I'm am reaching out for help! My son is the love of my life, my savior and when I say that I mean it! He was premi because I had a tumor that was so large it pushed him out, they found out I had full blown cancer and if it weren't for him I'd be dead! I know I'm not the best parent in the world! But I am reaching out to you ladies for help! Some advise on how to deal with my son and what to tell the bf! I'm hurting in so many ways I can't even begin to explain....as for his daughter she is 18. And no he isn't doing it in school, its not skid marks it full on poo.
S.
S.,
First of all you need to determine if he has encopresis....a condition from constipation and "poo" leaking around the blockage & into his pants. If he does--he cannot help this and he needs a doctor's attention.
Secondly, that would be the damn day a BOYFRIEND would be living with and yelling at MY son or being "hard" on MY kid.
Please try and be sympathetic here. If you aren't careful you're going to traumatize your son. He's 7! He's so little and so many changes and stressers. Then add a live in boyfriend and a little girl taking up mom's attention. You need professional advice here. I know you are stressed and I know this needs to stop for the sanity of all involved, but please, please get this kid some help. Get a child psychologist involved or a family counselor and commit to doing what they advise.
Okay, mamas. Why don't we try exercising some of our compassion toward mama, too? It's so easy to criticize and pretend we've never done or said anything wrong to our kids. I can understand the frustration S. is feeling if she feels that her son is doing this on purpose and if she didn't know that this could be a physical problem. And I know from experience what it's like not to have had a very good parenting example in my own life to follow and having to learn it all by myself, from books and from my husband's much better childhood experience. Let's lift one another up as parents and help each other out instead of belittling. Sure, if you see a need to be candid with your advice, be candid, but have some grace and respect, too. Good heavens. After all, if a parent was doing something really wrong, wouldn't you want her to have a place to go where the mom could firmly but lovingly give her advice and correction. The way you're all going on, I know I'd be hesitant to ever come back.
S., my two younger brothers had this problem growing up and I can tell you from the bigger sister's perspective that they were NOT doing it on purpose, they weren't even being lazy. They wanted desperately to stop, found the problem embarrassing, wanted to avoid the punishment and desperation of my parents (who, like you, didn't know for a little while that it was a physical problem and thought they were just too busy playing to stop and go to the bathroom). They often would try to hide it from my parents, clean it up themselves, hide the underwear or the poo. So, I definitely echo the moms who've said not to turn this into a traumatic thing for your son. He's likely not doing it on purpose. With my brothers, it turned out that maybe in the beginning, they'd held it so they could keep playing... and they'd done that so often that they got backed up... pretty major blockage that made it difficult for them to even feel when they had to go until it was too late. My mom had to give them enemas for a while, after seeing a doctor, to treat the blockage. So, I'd suggest taking him to a doctor and asking about this.
Also, I'd suggest a book called "Grace-based Parenting" by Dr. Tim Kimmel that I just read and that talks a lot about our perspective as parents, raising children who are prone to sin, just like we are. So that when your son does make a wrong decision down the road, as he is certain to do (as we all have), you'll be prepared with the grace to come alongside him in life rather than having him hide everything from you. After all, those difficult moments in our children's lives are what we're REALLY here for as parents. I got it from the library, so see if you can check it out! :)
Blessings,
R.
What you describe are huge stressors for a child.
Is the boyfriend too hard? What does the bf do with your son other than discipline? How old is his daughter?
To answer the rhetorical question to all of a suddden start to do this, yes!! He is hurting. Be there for him. Stop yelling and screaming at him, don't take away his toys or tell his friends. Give him a reward for going all day with no poops in pants, maybe chocolate milk for dinner.
Let him clean his mess.
Do positive things with him, read at night, play Lego's, help him wash his hair. He is still only 7.
I wish I had concrete advice for you. Your son doesn't need discipline. He needs love and reassurance and stability right now. He is not doing this to piss you off. Work from love in all your decisions.
Read some books that might help:
Love and Logic
How to Talk to your Kids So They'll Listen and Listen so They'll Talk
Positive Discipline
The Power of Positive Parenting by Latham (he has a shorter one that might be a quicker read)
Have a New Kid by Friday by Lemen
Invest some patience into your son, don't hold back on the hugs and kisses. He really needs them all right now. And remember that YOU are his parent and get to make the decisions, not your boyfriend. You can seek each other's advice and be a team, but YOU are the captain!
Okay first of all...take a deep breath. Good. He is only 7. Dont ground him don't take away his toys dont tell his friends. IGNORE the situation. Make him clean himself up. Make him scrub his undies clean. Dont yell or fuss. Just tell him to clean up and bring you his clothes when he is done. Eventually he will be completely grossed out and he will stop. There is a lot going on. Its all for attention. From experience, positive rewards like a good job or an Im so proud that you decided to go poop in the toliet like the big boy you are will go a lot farther. If it continues or becomes more frequent or is accompanied my pain I would take him to the doc.
.
Hi S.'~ My guess is that the major changes in your son's life are stressing him. This does get your attention, even if it is negative,it is attention. I am not sure he needs discipline... I would think he needs your reasurrance and understanding for whatever may be bothering him. Perhaps he is feeling very insecure with the move, different friends, schedule, family make up, loss of old friends and familiar things... Does this happen at school too? Can he visit with a school counselor? I understand you recently moved, do you have a pediatrician you can talk with to make sure everything is okay medically? Just some thoughts... Good luck.
I would take him to the doctor and rule out a physical problem. There is a medical condition that can cause this, and you would kick yourself for allowing pushishment if he has it, and it is not that uncommon. If he could help it, he would have the first time he was punsihed. Don't allow this anymore until the doctor tells you it is not a medical problem, and then, seek advice for where you should go from there. Your doctor can make a referal to a psychologist or therapist if he has an issue that is not physical. You guys sound too frustrated to deal with an emotional issue yourselves, so I would see profesional help, be it physical or emotional.
M.
This could be a physical problem so you need to see the pediatrician to rule that out. Is it loose bowels or kind of squirts of poo? He could be constipated, with the loose feces uncontrollably sliding out. Literally uncontrollably. You could be punishing him for a medical condition. Also, please don't shame or threaten to shame him over it - that could be so damaging. These "accidents" should be handled matter of factly with him cleaning up himself and his clothing. Your boyfriend is out of line.
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! Just STOP punishing him already!!! Where is your compassion as a mother??????? There is a medical or emtional reason for him doing this-do you REALLY think it is on purpose???????? DO NOT let your BF anywhere near this child. I think counseling for ALL of you is in order. Anyone who treats a child like this needs help.
And don't bother jumping back on to say how "mean" I am and that you just come to this board for support and can't understand the backlash. If someone is so obviously wrong and a child is hurting b/c of it then we as a board have an obligation to weigh in against it.
Dear S.,
I'm so sorry you're having such difficulties. I can definitely tell you that the problems with your 7 year old are psychological and shouldn't be ignored. The more you try beat it out of him the worse it will get. I raised my nephew for 7 years, from 9-16 years old. He came to us with all kinds of troubles. But through all that we learned a whole lot about human behavior. The most common thing on earth is for a child (usually a boy) who is afraid of a father figure to soil his pants. It is VERY common. The solution is really a hard one...but please know that I'm not being judgmental when I say you need to choose your son over your boyfriend. Move out. Put some distance between you and see if it helps your son. He's got innate fears and if he is your "all"....show him. Step out on your own. If you need a place to go, find a Christian church in your area and ask for help. You will never regret that you put your son before your boyfriend. Your son is your son forever....a boy friend is temporary.
Best wishes. I'll be praying for you.
Is he full-on pooping, or just having a little bit go in his underpants?
That is a common reaction to stress in a child's life. It's a way of having control. You are right, your son has had some MAJOR adjustments. My oldest son (child of divorce - won't go into the whole story) had some poop in his underwear until he was 8 or 9, and I freaked over it as well.
In HINDSIGHT - please trust my wisdom on this -- my son is now 21 and a wonderful, wonderful young man -- I would ignore it and wash his underwear. The bigger deal you make about it, the more they tend to do it. He won't do it forever, and that's what they make washing machines for.
From what I understand from your post, you are living with a boyfriend, and that person is not his father. This is traumatic for kids, especially boys. I'm not judging, I don't know your circumstances, I'm just telling you what I've learned in 21 years of doing this, and from plenty of my own mistakes.
Unless he is full-on doing the whole load in his pants, in which case it's time for a counselor or doctor, just ignore the small amount of poop in his underwear. Life is too short for these battles, and this too shall pass.
I agree with the moms that said not to discipline him. Obviously there is something more going on here than your child pooping in their pants. If this is not a physical condition that is causing it, and he is doing it on purpose it is most likely because he is trying to get some sort of attention. Have you tried ignoring it when he does it, instead of reacting by disciplining him? Maybe he needs a little more attention from you during this time of change in his life. Have you talked to him to find out why he is doing it? Ask him questions.
