Helping Sister Help Kids

i think the husband J. leaving is a good excuse for not wanting to go to bed alone?

Emmy needs to have one of us there when she falls asleep or she gets up all night long upset. we read to her until she falls asleep. at first when anyone but M. did it she cried but after a while she got used to it and is fine as long as anyone reads to her or sings, or sits beside her for a few minutes.

can you get a book, one that they are interested in but not enough to need to know the next page? lay them down and tell her to tell them its quiet time no talking and read to them a few pages...if they talk warn them they will lose desert the next day and follow through. after a day or two they'll go right to sleep sometimes it takes em two chaopters to fall asleep sometimes one page...but i enjoy the quiet time with her and occassional cute questions and small talks about her day or the book (even though talking isnt allowed for more than a few moments...unless i'm enjoying it and its not too late=) )

Have her run some errands at bedtime so the kids have no choice but to deal with their auntie.

Bedtime around my house goes MUCH quicker if my husband isn't home.

ETA: While I think my method will work to get you quick results, I really do like SunshineMommy's suggestion for coaching your sister. She's probably not ready to deal with it right now, but she will eventually need to learn to do it for herself.

Aren't sisters amazing in how they can pull together and help one another out. What a blessing you have each other!

I think it would be best to coach your sister - If you can be there and encourage her, but not do it for her. I have a sister who also struggles with her childrens behavior and her kids do listen to me, but they STILL act out for her...and when I am around she is always asking me to "make him do such and such" and then I don't get to be the sweet, fun aunt...but the disciplinarian...and it just kind of stinks. Maybe sit down and write out the "Bedtime Rules" together, for both her and the children...and when you see her starting to veer off the path have a certain sign (visual cue such as touching your chin or the like) so that she knows to follow through with the set routine and goals. Make sure there are rewards for the kiddos for cooperating and give her LOTS of encouragement and praise for being consistent! Hope that makes sense. Kind of like the Super Nanny approach. ;) Good luck!

If you're just establishing a new routine with them, now is not the time to get into a battle of wills. If you do, they'll associated bedtime with screaming and drama, and it'll be a nightmare forever.

Instead, use your natural advantage as a grownup and trick them into doing what you want without realizing it:

As in:

"I bet you guys can't get your PJs on before the timer goes beep! Uh oh, I think the timer's gonna win!"

"Quick! [Random stuffed animal] is winning the tooth-brushing race. Oh no, [stuffed animal] is way ahead, can the kids catch up, I don't think so!"

And, "Shhhh. Everybody be very quiet. A magic story elf is going to sneak in and tell everyone stories, but he's scared of feet, so everyone's feet have to hide under the covers (whoops -- a foot -- he's running away) are feet hiding? Maybe the elf will come and tell a story."

Then, after about a week of this, they'll have a routine, and you can shift to "Young lady, it's 7:45, what in the world are you doing downstairs?" But you have to jolly them into a clear set of expectations, and then you can put on your bad-cop hat.

And, if her husband just left, well yeah, everybody is going to be a tearful mess. You're wonderful to be stepping in and helping your sister with this -- please just understand, whatever was hard to begin with is going to be hard as hell for her now. That's what the breakup of a marriage does.

Turn the tv off an hour before the bedtime routine starts.
So, if you want the kids in bed around 9p, turn the tv off around 7p.

It is okay for a kid to cry, unless they are trying to hurt themselves.
They don't have to stay in their bed, but they HAVE to stay in their room and no playing or reading.

I suggest that you help your sister, but you let her be the one dealing with the kids. In other words, you shadow her as she goes through the bedtime routine so if she starts getting wishy-washy, you can get her right back on track.

Also, tell your sister that, as hard as it is, DO NOT let the kids use their father's leaving as an excuse for bad behavior. That is a HUGE mistake and will snowball into having truly unruly older children. The best thing for the kids right now is a routine.

She's not functioning. I would do the best you can with what you have. She is asking for help right now and the kids will eventually get over this.

OF COURSE they wanted their mom, she doesn't say NO. They don't have to mind her so of course they didn't want you.

My friend would often ask me for help in situations like this where her kids would just not mind. She'd tell me to swat their buts and get them to do whatever it was she needed them to do, so I'd swat their hineys at first and after than all I needed to do to get them to mind was show up or her to tell them I was coming if they didn't mind....

She needs the help, the kids need someone, anyone, to teach them that it's not okay to treat mom like this and it's fallen to you to be that teacher. They will cry and rant and rave but if you stay strong and don't give in they will get it and then they'll go to bed and lay down and mind because someone took the time to show them that there are real boundaries in this world.

Follow the rules of nanny 911. Sit down and have a family meeting to set the rules and the punish for not following the rules. Make sure the children know what's expected of them and who will be doing what so they know what's going to happen. Kids love routine so they'll feel comfortable and secure if there is a routine that everyone will follow. It'll take a couple days but stick with it.

It's not goi g to happen in O. night.
You have to be realistic.
Set an "in bed" time and work back from that: book, snack, baths, etc.
And keep doing it.
The adults are in charge, not the kids.
My son knows that he is IN the shower at some point between 7:30-8:00 and IN bed by 9:00. Then he knows he can read or watch TV til 9:30.
There is some flexibility to this. He's 10. He's in sports. But he's USED to it, so there's no protesting when it's 7:45 and I tell him it's time for a shower.
But we've always been pretty consistent about bedtime routines. That's the key: consistency.
Good luck.

So the 6 year old is in charge? Sis needs to take control and be the mom. I know it's hard because she's got her own stress and now she's doing all the parenting.

From the kids' perspective, they whine and get their way. But they've also lost their father so they are going to be reluctant to have another parent figure (you) making the call.

So, the bedtime chaos is just a reflection of the lack of structure in their lives anyway - not just because of the divorce/separation but because there was inconsistency anyway, with your sister bowing to their demands or tantrums or delaying tactics or whatever else they did. The kids engage in this behavior because it works for them - they get a payoff (extra attention, later bedtime, whatever). And your sister is getting a payoff (even though she's frustrated and exhausted) because it keeps her from having to be the tough one and the one who is in charge. (For example, using the husband's leaving as an excuse - means she's letting herself off the hook for having to be the "heavy".)

I agree with the post about a family meeting being a good idea, but it will backfire if it looks like YOU are engineering it, and it will completely fall apart if your sister is unable to sustain her position as the authority figure in the family, the one who does not give in to children's manipulations.

So the kids' motives are understandable, but they are not acceptable. If she can get to that point, then you can help her. But the directives must come from her as their mother, not from you as the aunt with the backbone.

I don't know about the books and techniques others have recommended - but I think your sister could benefit from reading a few and maybe seeing a few DVDs with some actual situations or role plays (try the library as a free resource). When she finds something she agrees with and can sustain, I think everyone will be happier.

One other point: one thing that kids worry about in a divorce is whether the 2nd parent will leave, or whether the remaining parent can manage alone. It's actually far better for their security to have a strong and decisive parent in charge, not a wishy-washy one who is trying to make the kids' lives 'easier' by not giving them rules or punishments or consequences. She will raise stronger children if she shows them a stronger mother.

You are the auntie, not the parent, this is her job.
Even if she asks for help, she should be teaching her children to listen to and respect her, as their mother.
At four and six they are verbal enough to get it.
Is she a teen mom? Maybe she needs some parenting classes. It just seems very odd to ask for your sister's help in putting your non-infant children to bed.