Help with Grandparents Who Are Separating

Despite the stickiness of the situation, it is really not relevant how "Grampa"'s children treat (or don't treat) your Mother in Law or Vice versa. Likewise, the kind of relationship Grandpa has with his other/ own grandson is irrelevvant. What needs to be decided before you explain anything is whaat kind of relationship you are going to allow your children to have with Grandpa and on what terms. After that is decided, then you will have a better idea of what to say to all parties. Your kids only need to know that sometimes grownups don't get along and they decide not to be married any more. They don't need to know who's to blame or what transgressions were made by whom, or who was mean, etc. Then, they need to know when they are going to see Gramps (or that they won't being seeing him). Similarly, Gramps needs to know what the terms of the relationship are and what is acceptable (such as cards are OK, but no gifts for the kids or something like that). It isn't going to be easy, but it doesn't have to get ugly either. Best of luck to you in this difficult time.

Hm, sounds to me as if you have made your mind up already...

Divorce ends up hurting a lot of people, especially kids. I don't know how you are going to explain this to your children. Considering your older son is 9 I would give that a lot of thought first. If this is the only grandfather he has ever known and he has been close to him (perfect relationship or not in your view) it might be worth having a discussion with "grandpa" first before you disassociate completely for your sons sake. It sounds a little like you are angry at your step siblings and blaming him for it. And it is easy to want to take sides because it is your mom but the question was about the kids relationship with their "grandpa". It sounds like he tries to make an effort to have a relationship with them. I guess if I were in your shoes I would want to sit down and talk with him, say something like,"You have been in our kids lives, they think of you as their grandpa. There is a lot of tension with the divorce and we want to know just exactly what you think your role should be from now on. If you would prefer to move on (which is OUR current wish) then we understand and would like you to not have contact with them again. But if you are willing to not mention the divorce and wish to have contact with the boys we would like start out with some rules which will be X." Depending on his answer make your decisions. The worst thing about divorce is how it affects the WHOLE family.

Dear K.,
You've already said you don't want any advice on how to keep this guy in your life, so simply tell him you don't want him in your life anymore. Tell your mother in law as well. Tell her you don't like him, you never liked him, you only put up with him for her sake and now you're done. Tell him that due to the conflict in his marriage with your mother in law, you aren't comfortable continuing a relationship with him and that includes your children. You're not worried about being nice, so don't be.
That said, at this point they are only separated and he basically still lives there so there are the logistics of visiting her without him around to work out. Perhaps it would be better for her to visit you instead for the time being.
As for your kids, I'm sure they are aware of divorce. Just tell them that Grandma and Grandpa are thinking of not being married anymore and you think it's best if you just stay out of it until they figure it out and even then, you think it's best for Grandpa to just go back to his own family.
It's cold and curt, but that's how you feel, right?
Just be prepared to have answers to your sons' questions. They are kids. They don't know or need to know all the reasons you feel the way you do, but you'll have to explain it's a difficult situation and you made a specific decision, even if your kids like him. There's also the chance they won't end up divorcing, but you've already stated your feelings for this guy and you don't want him around, regardless.
My mom and step-dad separated after 20 years. He and my mother remained friends and us kids and grandkids kept him in our lives. They never did legally divorce. He died just a couple years ago. My mom had every reason for leaving him, but the the kids loved him and he loved them. I didn't want it to be like, "One day a person is here....next day they're gone. That's life." That's what happens when someone dies. I don't think children should think of divorce in the same way. But that's just me.
You don't like this man. You want a clean break, make it happen. Fallout can be dealt with separately.

To be honest, I don't think I'd start out trying to explain anything to him. I simply would not answer the phone when he calls, and not return phone calls. I'm sure he'll get the message.

You need to let your feelings be none to grandpa. As long as he is living on the same property it will be difficult for such a young child to understand. Plus, its seperation, not Divorce yet.Just in case they dont divorce you dont want to make everyone uncomforable. Make sure he also knows about how his children have treated your MIL. how would he feel if you did that to him? If he does treat your MIL that bad then you need to help her to stand up for herself. N.

As you said, Grandpa is in denial, perhaps he is using your boys as an anchor to his emotional life...!? If that is so, you can explain to him that his extravagant gifts and attentions to the boys are making it difficult for them to adjust to the separation, etc.

I want to commend you for being a nice person to accept a difficult person for family sake. I am sure your actions have not been lost in the harmony of your family...