Cranky Ol' In-Law Advice

I hear what you are feeling, however, children do benefit from grandparent caregivers. My grandpa babysat my brother, cousin and I. We are very close in age. He babysat us before we started preschool. We were called "little shits" more than once. Grandpa used to walk to the neighborhood bar with three little kids and what we remember is that we got Hershey bars and rolled the balls around on the pool table, not that we were sitting in the bar at 3 and 4 years old. What I am getting at, no matter what age, we learn from people-good and bad. Try asking if he is ready to give up his babysitting gig. Good Luck....

Oh calm down, chill out and cut the old guy some slack.
It's obvious the man has been saying it for a good portion of his life.
It's his habit and expression for when he's overwhelmed.
Your husband managed to grow up undamaged by the expression of the one parent that stuck with him and raised him.
Older folks don't buy into 'politically correct' the way most of us have - occasionally it can be refreshing to hear (although some of it can really be out there sometimes).
Venting your spleen isn't going to be teaching the old dog any new tricks.
It could be your kids are getting to be too much for him to babysit anymore.
(And you should give the kids a time out for acting up they way they did for their grandfather.)
That doesn't mean you should be cutting him out of your family's life.

Personally I'd find a new sitter. He lost the privilege of baby sitting

That's the kind of talk that used to be accepted in a lot of circles, and Grandpa reached back into some old habits. It sounds like that's the way your husband was raised, so no one has yet told Grandpa that it's a crappy way to deal with kids. He really doesn't mean he wants them to die - it's thoughtless talk right up there with "You're stupid" and "Shoot me now" and "you're retarded" and all the other hateful speech or violent speech people employ when they are frustrated.

First, you talk to your kids. Grandpa shouldn't have talked like that, but you guys have to stop acting up. He's old and he's cranky, and he had a rotten deal being a single parent back when he was probably the only one in town doing it, and he was lonely and resentful and overwhelmed. Tell the kids that Grandpa raised their dad, and thank goodness he was there to do it.

Then, stop asking Grandpa to babysit. He's cranky and he doesn't know better. Have Grandpa over for dinner now and then, but make it social.

Cutting him out of your lives because he never had any parenting skills is really sad. Your husband is the one who has to talk to him about it. If you are all together and he says something like that, gather up the kids and say, "You know, I think it's time to go home. Grandpa seems tired and we've overstayed our welcome." If Grandpa asks about it, you can say you don't want their memories of him to include hearing that he doesn't care or that it's okay with him if they die. You know he doesn't mean it, but they don't, and you want their time with him to be positive. If you leave a couple of times, he'll get the idea.

Meantime, your husband can tell his father that he's grateful for all Dad did and he knows Dad got a raw deal, but that he got a raw deal with no mom too. And he grew up hating that kind of talk, and he wants to protect the girls from that so they don't grow up resenting him.

First make sure he doesn't have a medical condition causing his outbursts.

S.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

What would I do? I would chill. Take it with a grain of salt. He's an older man, right? It's a phrase he's been using most of his life. Do you REALLY expect him to change his sayings because you don't like them?

While what he said was "wrong" - and you said in your title "CRANKY OLD" - well, my grandmother is 96 years old. And CRANKY. You should hear some of the stuff she says!!

Why not ask him what he meant by it? Could it be possible that he meant - I'm done with you kids and your energy today? I know my grandmother said some things my boys hadn't heard before while they were with my parents for 3 weeks....your husband said he heard it often growing up...so now you want to make a mountain out of a mole hill?

Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. this too shall pass.

my grand father would ask us if we would like to load our own gun, so he could, pepper our backside with buckshot.

I'm still here, loved the coot, and he would not have babysat us if the world was on fire sinking into the orbit of the nearest sun.

He was a crazy, mad bastard that was mean as a rattlesnake, but he was the most fun when he wasn't thinking of terrible off handed remarks.

Rack it up to not letting him babysit any more, and in a few weeks he will want to see them again.

You know, it was a pretty extreme statement. But three kids, all acting wild, that's a pretty extreme thing for a grumpy old man to handle. Cutting him out of your lives is a pretty extreme reaction on your part too. It might honestly be good for your kids to hear, "Grandpa shouldn't have said that. That was wrong. But way you young ladies were acting was wrong too. You made him mad, and sometimes people say mean things when they're mad."

I do think you should rethink your babysitting arrangements. Not solely because he was out of line. Not solely because you kids and/or your expectations were out of line. But mutually because the whole thing doesn't sound like it's working out.

Your dad grew up hearing these words? Then they are something this man says without ever thinking about what that means to someone else. It's just a habit.

I'd tell hubby to mention to him that the kids were upset by this and could he find something else to say.

I have a friend that grew up and started having panic attacks when she was faced with going on a bridge. She was suddenly totally horrified.

After many years of therapy and some drugs for anxiety she finally realizes all her life growing up when her mom didn't get her way she's say "I'm just going to go jump off a bridge". So kids do remember stuff like this. Her mom never went and jumped off a bridge either. She used this as a tool to get her way.

Chances are this old man just says this phrase in the same manner. When he's frustrated and trying to tell the kids he's hurt and doesn't want to be around them much longer unless the decide to mind. It seems this is his way of saying if you don't want to mind I don't care if you don't come back.

You know he's be devastated if something actually happened to them.

Chill and watch Second hand lions. Curmudgeons. Ugh. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love them. He raised a son without a female's perspective on "feelings".

I would address my daughter's behavior first. I would also ask your hubby to talk to his dad and ask him not not say things like that to the girls. Remember this the next time you need a sitter and pick someone else.

It doesn't sound like your father-in-law likes kids. There would be no way that I would let him babysit again...he lost those privileges. Unless your father-in-law is old and losing his mind, your husband should confront his dad about the incident. It sounds like your husband is used to his dad's crappy attitude and accepts it; but, that doesn't mean that you or your girls have to put up with it. Your husband needs to stand up for you and the kids. In the meantime, I think you and the kids should stay away...grandpa is toxic!

Nothing. I can't imagine cutting him out of your and your children's lives for an off-handed remark that you know he didn't mean. He was probably stressed, frustrated and perhaps even angry having to deal with three "wild" children.

I would suggest you talk to your children about their behavior. You can't expect people to never get irritated at your kids, especially when they are being "wild." There were three of them. I'm picturing three wild children. I might very well have said the same thing because at that minute, having them come back over "tomorrow" is the LAST thing I want.

Grandparents LOVE their grandchildren, but we also LOVE it when they go home!

Yarmatey + B = best solution.

steer real clear of him-what a jerk-my stepdad told me hot hot n sexy my daughter was n whoever was getting it was one lucky guy n hes jealous-yea pretty sick huh..she was in her middle 20s at the time-that was our last visit..you dont have control over ppls thoughts,feelings n nastiness,but you do have control over how often you let them in your life..

Don't make a big issue of it, but do have your husband talk to him about what you both consider appropriate and inappropriate things to say to your children.

I'm with the 'chill out' camp. You asked him to babysit (for free?), he did you a favor and your girls were out of hand. I would have a conversation with them about their behavior long before I would ever cut their grandfather out of their lives.

Sure, what he said was ridiculous, but you know good and well that he didn't mean it. Calm down- you are really over-reacting here.

Don't ask him to babysit any more. Sounds like it is too much for him to handle or if he was always like this then you probably should not have asked him to watch your girls to begin with. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

That's horrible. What an awful thing to say.

I would sit down with my children and have a good talk with them to make sure they understand that Grandpa doesn't really mean it literally, and that he's from another era. I would explain that it's his bad behaviour when he is stressed when they are being naughty for him.

I would still have him babysit, but definitely talk to the children about such statements.

I would only let them go over if/when he specifically asks for them to visit.

Talk with your daughters. Let them know that old folks sometimes say odd things and they shouldn't take him seriously.

Then talk with him. Ask that he please not use that kind of language around your little girls. You need him to be a positive male role model, not a jerk.

I'm going to assume this is the first time he's said it, otherwise this wouldn't be such a shocker to you at their ages.

Talk to him, if it's just an expression for him then he probably doesn't even realize what he said. This doesn't have to be a huge issue, just a "Hey when you told they kids X, Y and Z they were concerned and didn't understand what you meant".

Then discuss it and move on. It's a strange thing for someone to say for sure, but according to the hubby it's normal.

I totally get why you would be upset. That's an awful thing to say. Is he a good guy in general? If he is a good man, but said something mean, that's one thing. If he is sort of awful, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back, that's another. If he's not a good guy, start pulling back a bit.

But assuming he is mostly a good guy, I would talk to him- with hubby, or just have hubby do it. Tell him that what he said upset you both and the kids, and you think they deserve an apology. And to please watch what he says going forward.

Also, if the girls were bad for him, they may want to apologize for their behavior. I would explain to them that their behavior was not acceptable, but NOTHING they could have done deserves comments like that. And that sometimes older people can be cranky like that. Again, it doesn't excuse his behavior, but it explains it.

My dad is the cranky one. He has never said anything mean like that, but is a curmudgeon for sure. He is fussy and tends to yell a lot. Mostly, he'll yell at the adults about the kids, he tends not to yell at the kids. We've done the same thing, explain that the kids did nothing and could do nothing to deserve the crankiness, but that's how grandpa is and he still loves them.

When my sister had her first baby, they were with her in-laws. The baby was learning to crawl but slow with it. My sister's FIL was trying to get her to crawl over to a stuffed animal and started saying "come on dummy" repeatedly. My sister was horrified. Her and my BIL had to confront him and explain why this was not ok. He has tried harder now. As a side note, this was how this guy talked, so it was just a habit. But the result was that my BIL is a jackass as well, so just be glad that your husband didn't 'catch' this attitude! :-)

Finally, if this continues, or if you kids are too much to handle, don't keep asking him to babysit. But don't cut him out of their lives. From what you describe, doesn't seem necessary .

Upsetting but don't do anything.

Talk to your kids. Do not tell them what gramps said was acceptable - it's clearly not, and they do need to know that. But they also should not call him on it. (That would be for you or your spouse to do, if you think it's worth it.) But do explain to them that grandpa was brought up in a different time when such behavior was overlooked and men were allowed to be jerks (okay, maybe don't borrow my wording, but you get the idea). I've had to have conversations like this with my kids regarding some of the things my mom says (appalling racist things that spill casually out of her rural Southern mouth, for instance), and your kids are old enough to understand.

It MAY be worth talking to gramps about what he said, but if he's like many older folks I know, don't expect change, or even understanding. From his point of view, he's said this thing to your hubby all his life, and he turned out well enough that you married him, right?

I wouldn't cut gramps out of your life, but in your place I'd think twice about asking him to babysit again, or at least frequently or for long periods of time. I do think that as some people age they lose the ability to relate to kids and become less tolerant of normal kid behavior, and asking them to be responsible for children is fair to neither them or the children. It doesn't mean they care for the kids any less, but it does mean they are less able to understand or tolerate normal kid behavior, or address normal kid misbehavior constructively.

You and your husband should talk to him. Together.

First of all, you need to confirm with him that he would in fact care if your children die. I mean - confirm that he is not depressed or has a bigger issue etc, confirm that he just "said that".

Then, assuming he will tell you that he DOES care whether your children live/die, make it clear that you do not find it acceptable for him to tell your kids that he doesn't care if they die.

Lastly, find a different sitter. Don't cut grandpa out of your lives, but, spring for the cost of a regular sitter to ensure that your kids hear more positive/modern responses to their behavior.