HELP! My Kids Fight like Cats and Dogs Constantly! 7 Yo Boy, 3 Yo Girl

D.:

It is important to keep in mind that there is a big difference between a 7 year old and a 3 year old. Different expectations go along with age. I agree with another writer, that both kids understand and can sit through a time-out (she is testing you). I would reccomend a sticker chart. Identify one or two behaviors, and if they meet that behavior (be concrete), they get a sticker for the day on their chart (have them help you decorate the chart and hang it somewhere they can see it). When they earn three stickers, let them pick a reward! Simple behavior modification. Good luck.

A.

I would try to make sure who is really the instigator, and whomever is should take responsibility for it. If it's hard to tell who started it, then they both need some type of punishment, but you must be fair about the punishment. If your daughter will not stay in time out, get a playpen and make her stay in it for a few minutes. Tell her you are disappointed that she isn't being a "big girl," and that she's "acting like a baby." Threaten to take away activities that they like if they don't stop fighting (like going swimming, riding bikes, going to a movie, etc...).

Remind your son to have a little more understanding and patience with your daughter, since she is only 2-1/2 years old. Reassure him by telling him that he's the "big kid" who knows a lot more than his sister since she is so young. Tell him she should (we hope) get easier to deal with the older she gets, and remind him that her behavior won't last forever. BUT, that doesn't mean your daughter should get away with anything.

If nothing works, try to keep their playrooms separate, and if they violate each others space, then certain toys or activities will be taken away for a day.

If none of this works, I would call Nanny 911! If you don't want to go that far, then you can contact a Behavior Specialist and have them observe your children in your home to see what they think.

Good luck!

Hi D.,
You have received a lot of responses, so I'll keep mind short - feel free to email me privately and I'd love to help you sort this out and develop a plan for changes.

My suggestion is to think of each of the kids as completely separately. In our busy lives it is tempting to use the same punishments, the same consequences, etc. for our children. However, that isn't working for you - or your kids. It sounds like they are trying to negotiate a relationship between themselves which is challenging because of their ages. And because they don't seem to be interacting appropriately with eachother - attention and relationships are sought by annoying eachother and making eachother miserable.

Treating your children differently isn't wrong - its respecting their differences. Favoring one child over the other is wrong. Different punishments and different standards are appropriate for each - a 7 year old should have dramaticly different expectations than a 3 year old; and should have different punishments.

Feel free to email me - here or at ____@____.com to discuss this further and to create a positive behavior change for your kids. Parenting should be fun - not frustrating.

Warmly,
S.

Hey D.-

My initial thought is to spend some time with the three year old to get time outs through to her. I would suggest finding a place near where you are working on dinner or at the computer, etc. and having her sit for her time out near you- not exactly with you but where you can see her when she gets up and where you can correct her without totally leaving what you are doing. Then, when she is disobeying, have her sit in that place and tell her she may not get up until she has sat in that spot for three minutes (I do timeouts one minute for each year of the child's age). Then each time she gets up, replace her on the spot and repeat instructions- you may not get up until you have sat here for three minutes. The time does not start until she is sitting still and does not accumulate- like she sits still for one minute before getting up so she only has two minutes left- each time she gets up she has three minutes left. It will be tedious at the start but once she realizes you are serious and that her brother gets to continue the show or playing when he has finished his time out respectfully, then I think she will get the picture. Maybe when she is more obedient you will be able to send her to her bed for a timeout.

Hope this helps- good luck!

Hi D.

I am wondering a few things. If both you and your husband work in town and have a long drive where are the kids and when and with who does all of the fighting go on. Do you and your husband both work full time? Does the fighting happen only at home with you and/or your husband? Do they go to a sitter or day care and fight there too. I have lots of advise, but I want some more info so I don't give you more info then necessary.

Despite the fact that I don't know more of the situation I think I have gathered from what you wrote the three year old likes to test you a little. From what I know about kids (its what I do for a living) a three year old should be able to serve a time out for 3min or until mommy says it's over. Three year olds also love to test anyone and everyone, they are very smart. It sounds as if your son, as you said is still a 7yr old boy and does 7yr old boy stuff (not always good or nice stuff) but you sounded as if it was normal expected behavior. Now the three year old has a long list of some mean things she does to her brother and you and dad and anyone else she can test. So If she does something to her brother, he freaks out and pushes her down and the the situation goes from calm to both kids screaming and fighting and you ready to rip your hair out. So you are going to do what is quick and will work. So the 7yr old gets sent to his room. He now leaves mad at you and his sister, and sister won. She was not held accountable for being a little stinker. She knows the game. Think about the power she has over you, the controle she has. She got brother mad and sent to his room, mommy is probably now giving her hugs and kisses because brother hurt her when she was pushed down. And even if she gets in any trouble she knows you will not hold her to it, after 20min SHE WON!

I may be way off on this but it sounds like the 3yr old causes a lot of the problems, she instagtes, brother gets even and gets in all the trouble. It just sounds to me like she needs to be held accountable for her actions.

The 7yr old will always pick on his sister and do normal brother stuff. But he probably will stop doing some of the mean things he does to her if she is no longer allowed to cause the problem or start the fight that he takes the fall for.

Sorry if I read into what you wrote wrong, and maybe you do have an affective way to correct her behavior. I just got out of it that she does not respond to time outs and such, but your son does. bottom line is make her accountable for what she starts, and yes he should know better then to do some of the stuff he does, but his will probably stop once she is stopped. And until she stops give him some better tools to handle his frustration. Deep breathing, drawing, play dough, and talking to you or dad.

Good luck

T.

T.

Spare the rod spoil the child!!! I can completely relate to your situation I have 4 children 3 boys and 1 girl; ages 8, 5, 4, and 1!!! Most everyday one is fighting with another. I have tried seperating them but as soon as they are back together then someone is fighting. The only thing that works very well is for all who is involved to get a good old fashioned spanking. Yes even my precious little angel!!! I used to feel bad, and think "she is to young she doesnt know what she is doing"!!! Not anymore she gets that spanking and straightens right up. And now they dont have to get spankings all the time because they know that I am not playing with them and that there are consequences to bad behavior. I hope this helps!!!

Sounds like a respect issue. They don't respect each other, their toys...your sanity! :) I know it can be difficult to deal with when your son has ADHD. It sounds to me like your daughter is learning her behavior from him. I bet if you can get through to him she will certainly follow suit. I have a son with Autism and it is extremely difficult to get him to act properly. When he gets out of control with his big or baby brother, I literally sit with him in my lap and explain how to be nice and respectful. I don't do it in a threatening way, I will even do it randomly. The point is respect is a learned behavior, you and your husband are the teachers. If your older son can learn it, your daughter can learn it, and there will be peace in your house once again.

Well, in my opinion at least. :)

I think I agree a little bit with what Tracie said. It sounds as if your 3-year-old kind of "gets away with it" since time outs and sending her to her room only last for a few seconds before she's out and causing trouble again. Basically it seems like you're saying that "I try to punish her, but nothing sticks, nothing really works"

Your 7-year-old, on the other hand, sticks with the punishment you give him, but it's not really changing the behavior for him, either.

I have a 3 year old and time outs *do* work for him. They didn't at first (we started using time out when he was right about 2, I think), but persistence of us telling him "NO, you do not get up when we've put you in time out" or "no, you cannot have a toy, you're in time out" finally got the point across. And now when we put him in time out, he knows he has to sit there and wait for us to come and talk to him. So, maybe you can work a little more with enforcing the time outs or staying in her room with your daughter? I know it's not easy, but it might pay off in the long run.

Otherwise, "punishments" only really work when it's something the kids care about. You said that taking away tv and toys doens't work because the kids don't care. If you can't think of anything that the kids really really care about and will miss if you take it away (say desert after dinner or a special activity they look forward to doing on the weekends when you're not working?)... change tactics. Maybe reward the really good behaviors instead? Tell them that if they can get through you fixing/everyone eating dinner without a fight they can have X (whatever they might really enjoy and *want* bad enough to be good for). Then legnthen the time they have to be nice to each other... say 3 days, then a week, then 10 days before the next big reward. Use a sticker chart and everything - it'll help you (and them) keep track of their progress.

It's just an idea and I know a lot of parents don't like "bribery" but I find that with my 3-year-old, it works. And as long as I keep *most* of the rewards being praises and hugs from me (on the days he's nice to his brother I tell him all the time what he's doing right, praise him for doing well, etc. and every now and then if he's gone a long stretch without me having to get onto him - and for him a long stretch is 3-4 days, he's still only 3 - then I'll say "you know what, you've been really good with your little brother lately, would you like a new matchbox car or a new thing of playdough?"). The material rewards aren't set in stone and are random, so it's not like every time he's nice to his brother he's demanding a treat, but it does help reinforce the good behavior.

Doing positive reinforcement along with the strictly enforced time outs when he's not having a good day have really helped his behavior immensely, so maybe something like this could work for you.

Good luck.

My brother and I were also 4 years apart (he was the younger one), and fought like crazy. The one thing my mom did was make us sit together and hold hands instead of plain time out. Or sit across from each other and say nice things about each other. Not fun when you're a kid. I think it is definately attributed to the age and gender diference. We grew out of it by the time he turned 16. Now we absolutely love spending time together. I know that doesn't help now, but maybe holding hands will. Hope it gets better soon!

J.

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Let me know what you find out!

D.