Bad Attitude in a 4 Year Old

This is a fun age isn't it? My daughter is somewhat like this - very strong willed... What I have found helps is giving choices (ones I can live with). For example, do you want to put your shoes on here or in the car? Do you want to put on your blue or brown shoes? Do you want to eat your green beans or blueberries? It gives them some sense of control but within very limited bounds. Then when you need them to do something, they are more likely to listen. When they don't make sure the consequences are clear and follow up. At this age, my daughter responded much better to consequences other than time outs... for example, if she didn't pick up her toys, they were put "away" high on a shelf until she was ready to show us she can clean up and be responsible. Or for hitting her little brother or talking back, she was not allowed her tv show that night.... immediate, but meaningful consequences. I have found 3.5 - 4 a very challenging time as a parent... and I'm sure someday I'll think this time was easy! The love and logic books are really great...

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Sounds like the 4 year old is in charge, not the parents. He refuses to sit in time out? Too bad. He gets taken back every time. It might take 2 hours. The first time I started the naught step with my son (he was 17 months) I took him back 32 times. Never had to do it since. If he refuses to put his shoes on, put them on him. If he takes them off, he goes to time out, THEN he gets his shoes on. Leave yourself enough time for the consequence-- if you have to have him out the door, then carry him to the car, strap him in, and put the shoes on then.

You also have to pick your battles. Food shouldn't be one of them. Offer him healthy food he has a reasonable chance of liking. If he refuses to eat, too bad. Nothing to eat until the next meal. He's smart-- he'll figure it out.

He should get tons of postive reinforcement when he acts appropriately, and swift consequences (of no attention) when he doesn't. I know my son is more likely to act out when a.) I haven't been paying enough attention to him and b.) he hasn't had enough physical activity. I think some kids also need a bit more down time-- if he isn't watching a little age-appropriate TV (20-30 minutes a day) you might want to add that in at one of his "trigger times." Everyone needs a little chill out time.

For his sake, you absolutely have to get a hold of this. What if he acts like this at school? He needs to know that you are in charge, not him.

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What does he like to do? Watch tv, go to the park, read books? Whatever that is, I'd take it away until he begins to cooperate. He is old enough to understand that his behavior has consequenses. Will it be inconvenient for you? Probably...but it's worth it in the end. Stand strong. If he doesn't want to eat, put the food away until the next meal time. He won't starve and once he sees you're serious, his behavior will improve.

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Consistent consequences. I don't say this like it is easy. I have a four year old as well. Luckily the weather is not yet hot in our neck of the woods but for a few months there my hubby and I were thinking "maybe its because... or because...". Bottom line is there is always a reason to not feel great. I am good at not sucking the kids into what is going on with us on a bigger scale because frankly they are too young for discussions of money, jobs, health, and other stressors but our 4 year old and her 7 year old brother can certainly be accountable for their own actions. Our four year olds consequences include such things as less stories at bedtime, no dessert, no trip to her favorite place on the weekend, among other things. If you think the weather has an effect, try to keep him comfortably dressed and well hydrated but don't let him rule the joint

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You are going to make him do what you need him to do.
He can either sit in time out or you can make him sit in time out.
He can either tie his shoes or he can sit in the car or house until he does.
If he refuses to eat, he is done until the next meal.
He is little enough that you can put him in time out. He is little enough that you can put him in the car seat and hand him his shoes if need be. You need to show him who is the boss.
You need to work as a team with your husband -- your son will try to divide and conquer. You must never ever let him win. You and your husband must show each other respect at all times. Your son has probably gotten his way his whole life and now you want to change it. It's going to get worse before it gets better.
Keep at it.
LBC

When my youngest was 2 he went through a time out refusal phase. I tried the Super Nanny thing, where you consistently put him back into time out; but after 10 times of trying to put him back into time out I was so angry & frustrated. I decided that was not going to work for me. So, I put him in time out & sat down in front of him with my back facing him. We were both sitting on the floor in his time out corner. I reached my arms behind me & grabbed onto his leg and held them down, so he could not get up. He hated this. He screamed & cried & struggled to get out. I made sure we sat there the whole 2 minutes. I completely ignored him the entire time. When time was up I made him say he was sorry & hug me. We did this for about 4 time outs, then he stopped struggling. I still sat there for about 2 more time outs. After that, he knew he had to stay in time out & he did. We haven't had a problem since then. If you try this with your 4 year old, it will probably take more than 4 time outs for him to get the hint, b/c older kids are more stubborn, but it should still work.
Good Luck.

It is the age and it's common. For this age, my advice is to pick your battles, and be firm about the ones that are important to you. I have, in the past:
1) taken my child to preschool in bare feet because he wouldn't put his shoes on (I had them in the car, and first he screamed in the car, and then he decided to put them on himself in the car because he didn't want to go into school in barefeet). I had to do this twice, and now he puts his shoes on right away when I ask.
2) Sat in timeout myself, holding him there until the designated time was up when he wouldn't stay there himself (but not talking or interacting with him).
3) Told him he needed to go to timeout for not speaking nicely (ie, saying no thank you is ok, shouting no is not ok).
However, I don't fight over food. He eats what's on the table for dinner, or he doesn't and if he doesn't, he doesn't get a bedtime snack. I make sure its reasonable - if he's just not very hungry, that's ok. But if he's refusing to eat anything because he's having a temper tantrum, then no snack later.

Different things work for different kids. But in general, picking very selective battles and being firm about them (while letting smaller things go) works for mine...

I just wanted to add some food for thought.
Is he stressed out and frustrated or is he really being defiant and testing his boundaries? My son developed a bad attitude when he turned 3. But now I know that part of it was his anxiety and frustration (he has some issues), and I'm sure part of it was the normal fight for independance. Just keep in mind that sometimes there's another cause or reason behind that kind of behavior.
I also wanted to encourage you to use positive reinforcement. A sticker chart worked well for us with a small reward after he filled up a row. I used to pick up little dollar items (or less), here and there, and use them as rewards. You can also use something he values (like game time, etc.).

I also have a strong willed 4 year-old. The best thing is to refuse to argue with him over things. Here are two techniques that have helped me:
1. Compromise. For example, "I'm going to put on your right shoe, while you put on your left". Or, "you may choose a dessert if you eat your dinner. If you don't eat, that's OK, but then no dessert". Know what you can control and what you can't.
2. Here is another discipline technique that I use in addition to time-out. My son is into collecting pennies to save up for a toy. He earns pennies for extra chores etc... However, if he doesn't listen or follow directions I take a penny away. For example, if I tell him it's time to get in the car and he starts to run around the yard with a toy, I will start counting to 3. If I get to 3, then I say "minus 1 penny". You would be surprised how well this works. He hates to lose a penny, and will come when I start to count. This eliminates yelling, most time-outs, and a lot of battles. He also earns "minutes" to stay up past bed time, which he can also lose. This works really well for my strong-willed little one. And you have total control over the pennies/minutes earned, taken away. Much easier then trying to control a strong willed personality. Put the ball in his court to choose to behave.

Use firmer discipline than time outs for disrespect and bad attitude. Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is great for this age range and building respect. If dad is in the picture he needs to step up and be a firm role model in positive behavior AND firm discipline for bad behavior.

Things that helped when DS was 4 (he is 5 now, so not that long ago) were

1. Choices - 'do you want to get dressed yourself or do you want help?' - I know he can get dressed himself and I am not worried that he will need me to do this when he goes to college - and honestly it is faster for me to dress him than for him to dress himself so - on days when he wants help (most days) we do it together. Shoes too. I don't find this one worth fighting about.

When he picks something that is not a choice, we simply state - that is not a choice today. Today we have cereal or toast. If you want breakfast, pick one, please. If he picks no breakfast, I am really ok with this. He will not starve before mid morning snack at preschool.

2. Time outs. I never did them, so other than not doing them I don't have a good suggestion. They made no sense to me - child gets frustrated about something so we make them sit and stew on a chair - I would get more frustrated too.

3. Refusing to eat his favorite foods. Well, natural consequences work here. If a child doesn't eat, he will get hungry and then he will eat. I would stop fighting about it. Make him a plate at meals - same food you and DH are eating. If he eats it - fine (we never praised DS for eating), if not, clear the plates at the end of the meal. By the time next mealtime or snack time rolls around, he will likely be ready to eat.

4. Saying no. We try (and it's hard and I do forget, but that's what the do over is for) to avoid yes and no questions/situations unless 'no' is an answer that is acceptable to us. I also try to be physically down at his level when talking to him. And it helps a lot to rephrase things to make them fun. So - instead of 'are you ready to brush your teeth?' it is 'DS, it's tooth brushing time, I bet I can get to the bathroom first, if I get there first, I get to pick the toothbrush for today' DS is 5 and this still works (or course you have to let him win any race).

Rather than ' can you please take your feet of the couch?' it is 'DS, feet go on the floor, take them off the couch please' which is immediately followed by the physical removal of his feet from the couch if he does not do it himself. Done in a matter of fact, not punitive way.

My four year old just went through this after the birth of his baby sister. He will be 5 soon, and in the last couple of weeks, I have noticed a big change. The attitude stopped, and I think he is just maturing. Don't worry too much. It will pass.
We do time out also. He always gives us a hard time about getting up from his time out stair, but every time he got up, we make him sit back down, sometimes by force. Eventually, he gives up and does his time. Be consistent, and make him follow through. Give one warning, and then if the behavior persists, put him in time out- no exceptions. It may take some struggle on your part at first, but it will be worth it in the end. Don't give up and stand your ground. As for the "No" problem. We just told him we don't understand that word. If he says it, we just say "What?" over and over again until he gets so frustrated with us that he stops saying it. lol My son is the great communicator, so it infuriates him when we tell him we can't understand what he's saying.
Hope this helps!