Brothers Can Not Be Nice to Each Other

Have you hear of love and logic? It is a great parenting approach, they have seminars and books etc. You can get the books from your local library! Their big tennant on this issue is STAY OUT OF IT! I know this is hard, I have two boys too, the older one loves to torment the younger one. But I have to tell you this works, leave the room ( or house even, just go outside and water your plants or whatever if you have too!). They are doing it partly for power( older over younger etc) and for your attention. Don't punish them for this behavior, it won't help, in fact it may make things worse because it builds up resentment even more. This is so common, I have alot of friends who I think are wonderful parents and their kids fight too! Even my friend with a fifteen year old daughter and 9 year old son! So try the love and logic, it takes a while to implement and it does work! Good luck to you, you are not alone!

When my kids fight, I send one or more of them to pick up X number of things in their room. or to do a specific task for me. It's not a punishment. I don't let them tell me sides or what happened. I just "suddenly remembered" that I need X done.

It separates them...and every time they fight, they get something done for me...which...if it doesn't deter, atleast it keeps my stress level from skyrocketing.

I'd suggest keeping them away from each other. Don't let them talk or play together. Maybe they'll realize how much they really mean to each other.

Losing priveledges is sometimes better than taking things away. I would start giving them home responsibilities like chores so they have less time to pick at each other. That Super nanny has some great ideas on this issue too. Not sure if she has a website but I remember a show not long ago where she solved that problem in a house hold. Course I think she used a time out.. Yes even on a 10 and 8 year old. Here is her link: http://abc.go.com/primetime/supernanny/index?pn=index

She is great and has some really good tips.

C.
www.AHomeCareer.com

I recommend you put both of them in some kind of martial arts class. Call and enroll them this week! My girls learn "tae kwon do," but I've heard that "aikido" is especially good for boys. The physical activity, combined with the lessons in discipline, respect, self esteem, and a proper understanding of when to use physical force against another person (i.e. for defense only) should be just what they need right now. Along with this, the "Love and Logic" is a good suggestion as well.

Try immediate consequences.... time out in the corner, RIGHT NOW, for any hitting. ZERO tolerance, doesn't matter who hit first, any offender gets in the corner or on a time out chair. Yes, 10 and 8 may seem too old for this, and they will probably tell you they are too old. Remind them that big kids use words to solve disputes and as long as they act like little kids you're going to treat them like little kids.
Sit down with each by himself and talkk about why hitting isn't okay and help him work out positive ways to deal with conflicts. Teach them to use I-messages. Talk to them about bullying and point out that when they hit/push/fight like they have been, they are being a bully (yes, the younger one could be bullying older brother).
Praise them every time they use their words instead of fighting. Intervene when you sense things starting to heat up, and help them talk about it. Once they realize that hitting = instant time out they will start looking for other ways to resolve issues.

S.,

Two years ago I had a wonderful opportunity to play "super nanny" for a week to a blended family with six children, two from each of the first marriages and two that shared the same parents.

The most interesting challenge came from the two 6-year-old boys. They were used to getting each other in trouble so that the parents would take sides.

They were surprised when they would come to me with a complaint and I would simply ask "Are you bleeding?"
They quickly realized that their small fights was something between the two of them. On two occasions it got big enough that I did step in. They were removed from each other and got to assist me with household chores until they decided that being together was more fun.

One thing that I did at the very beginning was stress to all the children that having love in the home was the top priority for me. This helped to set the context of the home.
I made it a point to be in a loving space while I was there.
It was amazing for me to see children that their parents had said were "uncontrolable" be so cooperative and kind to each other and to me. The biggest "control" we have is LOVE.

I invite you to stop "punishing your children" for misbehaving and start rewarding them with LOVE.
You might be amazed by the shift you see.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)
Loving Connections LLC

What is loving Connections?
Caring enough to share your whole heart.

When my boys ages 12 and 9 cannot be nice to each other I don't allow them to spend time with each other. This usually corrects the problem because they start to miss being with each other.

Hi S., Sorry to hear about your problem with your boys I had almost the complete same problem. I did all the things you did and right now I'm trying a new approach I make them sit right next to each other on the couch and hold hands and tell each other 5 positive things about the other one and then after the time is up they give each other a hug, shake hands and tell each other they love each other. They will resist for awhile but just try to stick with it. For us it's working. The only thing about it is you have to be right there while they are sitting together.

make them sing church songs until they truly are sorry