Help - My Husband Has Become an Angry Man

Kimberly nailed it. Get him to a doctor,and get some counseling.And he is quite possibly very lonely being away from his family a lot or feels he doesn't do his fair share because of that and overcompensates in the discipline department when he is home. I don't blame you for feeling like you are prefering the peace you feel when he is away but maybe you can also let him know that there are millions of people whose families have to be separate a lot (for example military families, people who work in fishing industries, oil rigs, etc) and that you can find a way together to rebond when he comes back. His depression might be linked to a double standard of feeling guilty that he is away, but knowing he has to and worrying about you. Goodness this is so tough. HUG

Depression is men often manifests as anger and irritability. Have him see his doctor for a physical and have him be sure to mention his moodiness and irritability. If his doctor suspects depression (after ruling out other physical things like low testosterone) then he should ask for a referral to a psychiatrist and/or psychologist. Medication can help him start to feel like himself quickly when managed well by an expert (not a primary care physician) and counseling can help with long term self-care and mood management.

This sounds like classic male depression to me...the good thing is that if this is fairly new for him, he may be one of the many people who needs medication for less than a year before getting back to his old self and then can manage with good self-care and careful monitoring of his stresses and triggers. Not everyone who goes through a bout of depression struggles with it for life...for some people, it's a needed wake up call to reduce stress, renew relationships, and focus more on eating well, exercising, and other self care practices.

Anger might be depression. I sympathize, as I think my DH has changed and is less happy than he used to be. He has a more stressful job, he's worried about getting older, his brother has cancer...I get it. But his family is not his emotional punching bag and we've nearly divorced over it. You need to have some frank talks with him and insist he get evaluated for depression. If it's not depression, then he needs help with stress management. Everything does upset him lately, but why? Is he worried about his job? Is he in pain (my DH has sports injuries that are catching up with him)? Etc. Remind him that you and the kids love him, but do not love being treated like this. As him if this behavior is what he wants from a son-in-law some day, because he is teaching the girls how to be treated in their future.

You edited while I was typing so I will add - he needs to learn how to discipline. I still struggle with this with DH. He will tell DD that if she doesn't eat her dinner, she gets no TV for a week. Our counselor says that rather than seeing that I am too soft, he needs to see that I try to make the punishment fit the crime. TV has nothing to do with dinner. Leaving the table and no dessert has something to do with dinner. Unless he really plans to pull them out of private school, he cannot use that for a tool. I also think that eduction should never be used as a consequence. If he will not attend a parenting class, find a book like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and work through it with him. It sounds like he's just in the moment and he needs to think through the long term. Sure, threats will work in the short term, but they either get ignored over time or they damage kids in the process. Being told you are terrible for a minor offense will ruin their self-esteem. Please continue to work with him on this.

Also, when he travels, how long is he gone for? Many families where one spouse travels find that it's hard to integrate back when that spouse returns. Col. Hadfield writes in his book that he wanted to jump back in being Dad and his wife reminded him that his family (due to necessity) worked without him. If your DH is no longer used to spending a lot of time with the kids, perhaps you and he should consider what it's like when he's home and how he can re-integrate after long trips.

His behavior sounds like my ex-husband. He is now on anti-depressants and meds for Bipolar Disorder II, sees a counselor, and has gone through anger management therapy. All of these things have helped, some. He still has moments like you describe, however.

Your husband needs to see a medical doctor and a mental health practitioner immediately. If he won't, I would let him know that your marriage depends on him getting help and his relationship with his daughters depends on him getting help.

None of this is your fault, please remember that. Your children do need you to stand up for them during his outbursts. They also need you to put a "Plan B" in place in case your husband refuses help or his anger escalates. You need money and a place to go on a moments notice. It may never get to this, if he is willing to ask for help and listen to the advice he is given. But, please think through your plan first, then press him to get help.

I'd get a legal separation if this were happening in my home. I'd tell him that if he wanted to save the marriage, he'd have to go to anger management classes, to see a psychiatrist, and prove to me that my family wasn't in danger around him.

You need to go to a lawyer and get the ground work laid. The NEXT thing he's going to start threatening is to leave you. By then, he will have hidden money. You need to protect yourself and the girls.

I've had (and am having) a very, very similar experience with my husband and have researched a number of possibilities, just trying to figure out what in the world is going on.

I absolutely agree that a medical workup and counseling are warranted. And I'd seriously consider the possibility of latent bipolar disorder. Dysphoric mania (mania and depression at the same time, basically) often manifests with precisely the symptoms you're describing.

The other possibility I'd look at (especially if he has any history of high blood pressure) is a series of transient ischemic attacks (TIAs, aka mini-strokes). These can trigger a personality change, often involving irritability and impaired judgment.

I don't know your husband, of course, and I have mixed feelings about throwing diagnostic terms around too loosely, but I definitely think a physical workup is in order.

GOOD for you for reaching out and seeking answers. And take care. In addition to seeking out answers on his health, I also recommend taking care of your girls and yourself! Including (but not limited to) seeking out somewhere you can stay, in an emergency, on the chance his behavior continues to escalate.

Take care,

Mira

JB all the way. Book: Unmasking Male Depression.

Depression often shows up as anger in men. He could be depressed and not realize it. He should talk to his doctor.

He needs a checkup and he needs to talk to a doctor about depression.

Sounds exactly like my husband. It took years for him to realize and accept that he had depression. He was taking something for anxiety but now he has discussed the depression with his doctor and is taking more medication. I think when he finally accepted that he was depressed he felt better because he knew there was a cause. I know it is a hard spot for you because he has to recognize his problems and I had to tiptoe around him for a long time. Talk to your doctor and his doctor.

So, I have heard many people say before that it is difficult for some to agree to go to counseling or the doctor, because it is hard to admit depression.

If your husband is very resistant to counseling, there may be other things you can try to help him feel like he has better control over his life. For example, do you remember him doing anything for fun before this anger stuff started getting in the way? Let him know that it is OK, even imperative that he takes time to go hang out at the pool hall or bowling alley, or go for a hike, or go to the driving range, or take guitar lessons, or whatever it is that he likes to do (probably not the firing range though!). Encourage him to hang out with friends. Right now he has to take care of his mental health and it is even more important than spending time with family. Help him know he has more freedom than he thinks.

I feel like anger often comes (at least when I feel maddest myself!) from feeling like there isn't enough time to get things done. Taking time to help others and taking time to do something that counts as play are the two best ways (I find) to increase our perception of free time.

When he is at home, make sure to ask him to do things for you and the children (take out trash, read stories), and let him know you appreciate his help. He will start noticing that you don't miss him so much when he is away, so make sure you find ways to really need him while he is around. Hug him more and let him know how much his hugs mean to you.

So, those things might not be enough, but I just wanted to give you some options in case you find the prospect of getting him to the counselor insurmountable.

it sounds like you love him and want to help him. i so commend you for this. it's very important that he see a doctor and look for physical reasons, and get counseling if he needs it. and it sounds like he does.
but you need to stay firm that your role is to protect your children and keep them safe, and in a safe environment. tailgating is extremely dangerous, and your children are at risk when he drives recklessly, quite apart from the screaming, and endangering everyone else on the road. do not allow your children to be put at risk. tell him in no uncertain terms that if he is going to succumb to uncontrollable road rage you and the kids are getting out and taking a cab. mean it. do it.
it's doing irreparable damage to the girls to be raised by a ticking time bomb. if he loves your family as much as you clearly love him, he will do what's necessary to keep you. present it to him as the important choice that it is.
khairete
S.

Hi, Mama Llama:

Your husband is dealing with shame. On the "Compass of Shame" there are 4 points: Attack Self, Attack others, Withdraw/Isolate, and Deny.

If he says that you are too easy and don't support him, that is a clue that there is a break down in communication.

1. Did you and your husband set up a routine for the children for eating, bedtime, watching tv, computer games, playing outside, doing chores, and quiet time with you?

2. Get you an appointment book from ataglance for the number of people in the household.

3. Everyone sit around the table and fill in the schedule for each day.
Barring emergencies or unexpected events, hold to the routine.

After you do this, let me know how things are working out between you and your husband.

Always put you and your husband a time for you two to be alone in a romantic setting.

Good luck.
D.

Has he started taking or stopped taking any medications before these behaviors started? My husband and his doctor realized that he has been struggling with ADHD his whole life. He started taking Adderall and, while he has always had a mild temper, he became ridiculous. Just losing it over the tiniest of things even "loud" (to him) noises. He would feel bad about it later on and say that he just couldn't understand why he was so angry all of the time. My sister-in-law had a similar experience with my nephew taking Adderall so we were pretty convinced that's what it was but it took him about 2 years to finally stop taking it b/c he enjoyed the benefits - weight loss, focus, etc. Now he feels bad for not listening sooner.