I Think My Husband Needs Anger Management

He has to want to go to counseling or anger mgmt. himself to change. If you did a intervention with his parents he may resent you. May work depends on the person.

I've personally been in anger mgmt. before. But I wanted it, it wasn't forced on me or pushed. It did help me but only because I wanted it.

Could he be depressed about the financial issues, but expressing it through anger? I know men don't like to go to the doctor, but does he have a doctor? Could you start there? If you can't get him to see a therapist is there a support group for family members of people with anger or depression you could attend? (Kind of like Al-Anon--spelling?). Your story resonates with me because I have a 10 year old who is seeing a therapist for some anger issues. He is a sweet, loving boy, but has a very short fuse. I am hoping to deal with it now so he doesn't become an adult who is often angry and disrespectful. Good luck.

I feel for both you and your husband. I understand the stress of juggling a high powered career, being a wife and mother. I also know you feel your husband’s behavior is out of bounds because you feel money isn’t the pressing issue here.

I'm sure I don’t have to tell you that sadly, finances can bring out the worst in anyone, and while it doesn't justify your husband’s being angry, based on what you’ve detailed, it is very understandable why your husband is behaving the way he is.

During these tough financial times, your husband's fears are justly warranted. If he's working odd jobs in addition to trying to start up a business, and you’re working too, but it's not enough to make ends meet, realistically it’s only a short matter of time before your family will find itself in irrepairable financial dire straights.

Short of him physically or emotionally abusing you and the children, anger management counseling isn’t the solution. Before checking out psychological counseling, I'd say consult a credit counselor first. They do more than help people negotiate payment plans with creditors. They can act as a mediator and can help you and your husband come up with a realistic and livable budget that will either help you both achieve your dreams or help bring in some much needed reality to the situation.

I believe “anger” is only one of many “symptoms” of your real problem: a total lack of communication. It seems with all of the conversations you both apparently have had, it seems that your refusal to acknowledge there is a money problem because you don’t want a high pressure job, and his inability to give up a dream that might not be feasible because he fears failure, has you both going in circles. Clearly neither of you has agreed to come to a compromise…and it’s probably because you’re both using anger and hormones as a smokescreen.

It seems both of you feel you’ve made sacrifices but in reality no sacrifices have actually been made (you're both doing what you want... not what's necessarily best for the whole family -no apparent compromises), and both of you are feeling betrayed because assumed promises have not been kept or met.

Sadly, it sounds like you both will continue to be determined to get your own way at the expense of each other, and would rather skirt talking openly about the issue. Instead you've gotten into a pattern of telling each other half truths, in hopes that somehow you’ll “win” your case for lack of a better word. It seems neither of you really wants to give up what each believes will make them happy…and to the detriment of the financial stability and ultimately the marital stability of your home. This is a very dangerous game. It’s only a matter of time before it will unnecessarily escalate to a real problem, which would be truly sad, because I feel this could be remedied very quickly if the two of you sat down, crunched some numbers. I suspect you'll find that neither of you will be able to continue on this path without agreed sacrifices and this probably can't be accomplished without the help of someone outside the home (such as a credit counselor)to fairly mediate the discussion.

Perhaps after a painfully honest but argument free discussion mediated by a credit counselor about lifestyle, expenses and what’s really important to the family as a whole, you will both realize that what seems like a good thing now, probably isn't so great afterall. Initially getting a job with less pressure and money seems like relief, but in the long run it could mean crushing debt and worse fights over money and security ... his pursuing a business that is too expensive and perhaps has a bad business plan in place means a continued drain on the family financially and emotionally...and lost time in finding a better career/job as companies everywhere downsize.

What I mean by compromise and honest discussion is; has DH ever put together a business plan that outlines a budget, forcasts expected expenses and future income? Have you both agreed on a timeline of how long he'd try give this thing a go, before closing shop and cutting losses? Have you discussed your finding a different career that is more suitable to your personality as well as the household's financial needs? And so on...

Yes, family counseling could ultimately help you both learn to communicate. But I suspect you need to get a finance plan in place right away. Credit counseling will help you both to find a solution that’s beneficial to all…especially the kids. Credit counseling I believe will help you find ways to cut corners such as getting rid of cable, getting rid of car leases and investing in a fully paid for used car, for example. Or maybe you’ll find you need to consolidate credit cards, refinance the mortgage, or even start thinking about moving to a smaller house if this business venture and your being home with the kids is indeed what’s really important to the both of you.

I suspect if you were to meet with a credit councilor you’d realize continuing to work at a job that pays for only daycare and benefits is financial disaster. After paying for gas, parking, busfare, lunches, clothing for the job etc. you're probably actually paying to work at this place, rather than getting anywhere financially...even with getting benefits depending on your co-pays etc. Why would you pay to work for next-to-free? At the very least, maybe daycare needs to go and being a stay-at-home mom full time is more financially feasible. Or maybe you will both need to bite the bullet and get full-time jobs, but ones that pay a livable wage. These are things you both must discuss and now- not point fingers at each other, accusing each other of being out of control anger-wise.

If you truly believe your husband is a dangerous person, by all means seek professional help. But I say, from what you tell us, I think you need to tackle the money questions and honestly so.

It sounds like you have a good amount of "glue" holding your relationship together. At the same time, you can both see that some changes need to be made--without necessarily knowing what changes would be best for both of you. There's a way to negotiate that is very respectful and helps you both to get more of what you want. If you want him to see a counselor, what are you offering him in exchange? If each of you will offer something when you ask for something, maybe you can meet somewhere in the middle with something that works for both of you. If you want more of an explanation, let me know.

I think the first thing you need is someone to talk to. We are living in stressful times, yes, but it sounds like your husband may have a longer term issue with how he handles stress. Please seek out help for both of you to learn new ways to communicate in your marriage. When my ex-husband was in anger management therapy (referred by our family counselor) he got materials throught this organization: http://www.domesticabuseproject.org/

I've also attended events with DAP and was impressed with their approach. You don't need to wait until there is physical violence in your marriage to seek help through them.