Husbands Angry Temper!

G.,

All I can ask is, how was his childhood?
Did he have a father that did that also? If so, he needs to be reminded that this cycle needs to stop. He does not want the children to have negative feelings toward him when they grow up.
Or worse start getting into trouble at young age for attention or for fighting.
I am also a mom of 3, and I can tell you first hand, my husband does not always have the patience that I have.

The only advice I have is maybe try to get a family counselor.
Maybe if he hears it from a 3rd neuteral party, he will realize that this is a problem that can really affect the children.

~G.~

Two words -- anger management. This will only get worse. Get him into counseling. The older ones will remember and repeat this behavior in their lives.

Hi G.,

Well let me tell you I’m a social worker and everyday helping families sooo I will try to help you and your family out. But let me tell you that I also was in the same situation. But me and my husband went to parenting classes together every week and guess what it really works. I really recommend to any families out there to try parenting classes before you go on to do family counseling, self counseling ext. G. I did a little research on my own to help you out here are some places in your county or city that you can get free to low-cost services in what ever you need. Please check them out call and try to take your husband to this parenting education/Support classes or counseling. Some time they need to see from them self or hear for them self how to help with the kid with out getting stressed out or mad. I really hope this can be a help for you and I really wish you much luck. Family is really important and everyday is a challenge but we just need to always be positive and work thing out when they are in a mess. Best of luck e-mail me if you have any questions. I’ll be happy to help you.

M. P

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I'm sorry for your pain! I don't have much advice but wanted to let you know I've been there.

My soon to be ex husband was the same way with our four kids (ages 2, 4, 6 & 8). I finally got him to see a psych doctor after one particularly bad outburst. He was diagnosed bipolar and put on meds. As with many people who are bipolar he would miss his highs or think he really didn't need the meds so he would quit taking them off and on. It seemed to me that even on his meds he had some pretty signficant anger management issues. I had just set myself up to stand in the gap for my kids for as long as it took. I never left them alone with him when he was in one of those moods and would remove them from the situation when it crossed the line. He would tell you that it wasn't really as bad as I say or if it was that it was my fault but I know that isn't true. One minute he would love on the kids if they climbed on him and an hour later (or the next day) he would shove them away for the SAME thing!! I could never get him to go to anger management and frankly my problem was "solved" in a way I hope yours never is.

I found out a few months ago that my husband was...um...hooking up with not just one or two but basically a list of other women. We have been separated for about six weeks and are going to divorce...he is already living with another woman. She can have him! To tell you the truth my life is vastly improved as a result of him being gone. It is still very hard for the kids but I know in the long run not having him living here (while totally unstable and angry) will be good for them too! So now I'm a single mommy to four!

Like I said I hope your situation doesn't end up like mine but I would be firm in demanding that he go to counseling or anger management classes. It's really not good for the kids to be exposed to that! Good luck!

Oh G., I am sad to say that I can relate. My husband was the same way. I tried everything just like I'm sure you have as well. I told him that he should be ashamed of himself throwing a tantrum like he was a child himself. What worked for me was that I talked to him when he was in a good mood and showed him how what he was doing was the same thing that his own father did. I think that helped his see how damaging it is to the children AND his wife.

For the next couple of months every time he started to get angry and say dumb things, I would look him square in the eye and say, "this is that moment right now... leave the room".

I'm sure your husband is a wonderful man, we all have our shortcomings. Try reminding him that apologizing doesn't undo what he said and that there comes a point where neither you nor the kids will want to forgive and forget.

Good luck!
S.

Hi G.,
Sorry to hear you have a mood swinger in your home. As everyone else, my husband was like that too. Everyone and every relationship is different, but I stand up to my husband and tell him I don't want him around while he is angry. I tried to take 1 class in the evening 1 day out of the week when I first had the baby and I had to drop because he was unable to cope with taking care of the baby. I would come home and find the baby screaming crying and him laying on the bed pouting.

My husband loves our daughter dearly, but he just did not enjoy the newborn stage so much. He would hold her and love her, but when she cried and was unconsolable he would lose it. I would just tell him to go in the other room - PLEASE. He started doing much better with her at about 6 months and now he loves taking her on his own. At this point (20 months) I have not seen him lose his patients or raise his voice in a long time.

You say you love your husband and you were all on vacation together, so I think from your post the constant cry of a newborn just makes his nerves bad. No reason to threaten with divorce but work on it together. Remember, most men run a little hotter than most woman. It doesn't make it right, but with you being a little calmer than he is, remind him (without cursing back) that he has to stop. If you have to take him in the garage and tell him to shut the %$@* up...kidding, although I totally understand sometimes you would like to.

You will get through this.
C.

Dear G.,

Well, let's see now. What kind of pressure is on your husband right now, work going o.k. ? , does he have enough income to be comfortable? Is he well, when did he have a physical exam last? How old is he? Early men's menopause? or whatever they call it? Do the two of you have evening times together?

There is something very big that is bothering him, and you both together need to see if you can find out what it is. He is going to say that nothing is wrong with him, but he is obviously upset about something. As you talk together he may be able to see what is wrong, or tell you if he already knows.

Anger like that has a source, and cannot be turned off and on like a water faucet. For the sake of the three darling children, you two need to get your heads together, and remember no blaming, and no expecting the faucet to be suddenly turned off and never come on again.

Of course, he will not agree to go to counseling, that is just the way that men are - maybe you can go, I don't know, I pray that you can find a way.
C. N.

wow! i hate to say it but i know what your going through...i wonder if he's going through something that is stressful for him and just lashing out at you all. but even so, it is no excuse. fact is- yes, your girls will learn and eventually you will be the one living w/regret for something you say or do in the heat of the moment in response to him. i would greatly suggest counseling or a get away of some sort for just the two of you...its easy to get wrapped up in being a mom-only after a new baby. however, it is about the two of you, and you two are happy/healthy it will show in all that follows.

good luck and God bless.

Hi. My husband has a very similar problem. He gets very frustrated easily, doesnt like a lot of noise which is difficult with a 4 year old and an 8 month old. He is worse if he is hungry or tired. (sounds like my 4 year old!!) My husband began taking Zoloft which has helped to level out his mood swings. It is an anti-depressant, but many people are taking it to maintain an even keel temper. I even saw a special on the channel 5 news program about a man with severe rage issues that was taking Zoloft. You can check out his story at http://www.hyper-chondriac.com.
Good Luck.
D. L.

He needs to learn to manage his frustrations and anger... it could blow up in all your faces... not a good example for kids or you for that matter. Maybe he can take anger management classes. It has to be nipped in the bud before it gets worse. He seems stressed... does he have work problems or financial problems, or he just can't handle the kids crying and responsibilities??? It's not good. He needs help. It's good you stand up for yourself and the kids... don't just 'accept' it. Encourage him to get help... or maybe he can take a 'daddy-break' from the family and kids 1 time a week, to let off steam. Just make sure something gets solved about this problem. Don't let it escalate. Seems he can't handle being a parent with all the kids... being a parent is hard work as we all know. He needs help to learn how to cope, or it will be many many years of misery... not good for the kids or a marriage. Men need 'tangible' ways of knowing how to cope... or knowing what their 'role' is in all this. Maybe he can take parenting classes... they are good. Just get some help... hopefully he will be open to suggestions and talking about it. Maybe sometimes you and he can just have your own time together too... without the kids, if you can manage a babysitter. Just to get away from the everyday stress of child raising. But please do something about it... it's toxic for the entire household.

Honestly, it's a great sign that he recognizes that what he does is wrong and tries to apologize and make it right. I agree with the others that said he might need counseling. Just sit him down and talk to him when he's calm and in a positive mood and tell him your concerns. Tell him that he obviously can't change his behavior himself so he might need some help. Everyone has their shortcomings, and he definitely seems like he'd be willing to change. I'd consider yourself lucky in that aspect - my brother-in-law is the same way but won't even admit that what he does is wrong at all! But I'm sure this is really hard for you, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. You sound like a great mom, though, and I'm sure it'll get worked out! Good luck. =)

My husband has a bad temper as well. Please stand up to him and tell him that you will NOT tolerate his "temper" while in front of the children. It will definately have a long term effect on them. If he will not go to therapy to help control the outbursts, he needs to leave the room and go somewhere else and have his "tantrum". Threaten him with divorce if he continues. You have an obligation to protect your children. Be firm with him and tell him you will help if he admits that his behavior is wrong and go to counseling with him.

I hope you both can work this out. I'm sure he loves his kids, but he needs to realize that he is hurting them. Good Luck. :-)

Okay G. this is how it is.
You have three options, #1 is to continue tollerating your husband verbal abused, whether under his breath or not, towards the children and raise very insecure adults with a whole lot of issues where one day they too may have their own children and raise them just like daddy. #2 Allow your husband's temper to take control and maybe one day die from a stress attack or #3 Put an end to your husbands abusive behavior by means of counseling,
meetings with your pastor, or one-on-one discussions without seeking proffessional help, which never really works unless everyone is fully committed. It is your responsibility as the caregiver to protect and raise your children in the safest environment, even if it means protecting them from their own father. I know it seems like a lot to carry, but you seem to be the sane adult and your children need your protection and nurturing. I already know you have the tollerance, but you need the will and courage to make a change.

Hi G.-
I would agree with the previous suggestions and recommend that you and your husband get couples counseling. It really helps - I have seen the benefits from both sides (as a client and as a couples therapist myself). It seems that you need a new system in your home and this is not that uncommon to have this need as life changes with the damands of newborns and developing children. I am not certain if an anger management program is in order; sometimes people in these program attend just stay on the surface of this issues and never really come to terms with their anger. Another possibility is that they will use their attendance in these programs as a defense. I am sure that there might be some good programs out there and that it can have parts that are beneficial, but my overall assessment is that people go through the motions when they have to attend one of these services.

Until you set up couples counseling, I suggest that you make a committment yourself to keeping calm and expressing your needs and feelings in a productive way. You mention that you are doing it all (night time feeding, diapers, etc) and that because of this you feel your husband does not have the right to lose his patience. I see this as an unintentional setup for many different communication problems to arise. You will feel constantly unsupported and your husband may not feel like he has a place to vent nor develop the skills to help out with the kids. You may need some help and don't need to do it all.

I know this may seem very simple, but I would also encourage you both to express some appreciation to each other - point out something that your husband is helping out with. It may be one-way at first, but it is very important.

If there are any safety issues that's another story altogether - safety is the main concern first and formost.

please take care

maybe anger management classes, sounds like he just dosen't know how to control it or doesn'et know any other coping strategeies, sounds like he regrets it later....its not who he is...

Aww. I feel so bad for you! My dad had a temper real bad when we were kids too. He started taking medication in his 40's. A chemical imbalance was a big part of it. My two youngest sisters got treated a lot better than the first three of us since they are so much younger, and my dad was getting control of his temper.

My husband has a bad temper too, but there's no way he'd ever think of taking any meds. Maybe you're husband could be the same way. I agree, medication isn't always the answer. But anger management classes might be or counseling. Even if he doesn't go, you should go, either by yourself, or with the kids, or both.

My next plan of action if I were dealing with that would be to leave the room every time he starts up. Take the girls with you to the bedroom or something. Tell them something nice like daddy needs to cool down or something. This way they might learn to handle their own anger in a positive way. Be nice to him about it too. "Honey I'm going to the other room right now. If you want to talk about this later, I'm all ears." This way he's not worked up for a long period of time before he has to calm down. Eventually he might just leave the room instead of you having to.

What my brother and me learned from my dad is how to yell, and we still have that bad habit as adults.

Besides the anger issues he sounds like a great husband who loves you and his girls. I have anger issues too. It's hard and takes work from both of you to make it work.

Oh my goodness, that is really frustrating. I don't blame you for being so upset.

I don't know if I can help any, but I wanted to share that I have 3 members of my family that have a real irritability problem that seems to take over their body sometimes. It's like they have a low tolerance for frustration, and it isn't always rational, but it's like they can't help it in the moment. It is incredibly obnoxious, but they are otherwise good people that consistently damage their relationships because they get overloaded and irritated and lash out.

One of my sisters is absolutely impossible to live with, or was, until she started to take Prozac. And if she forgets to take it for just a day, watch out. She is out of control. My other sister has a similar problem that she tries really hard to control. But she was just telling me the other day that she had stopped taking her Prozac (she takes it too), because it makes her tired. But she was totally losing her temper with her kids and feeling so irritable. She said that it's like it comes out of her mouth before she even has a chance to filter it or think or stop herself. And the minute she snaps, she regrets it and feels horrible and vows to change. And then she says just a minute later, she will do it again.

I'm not trying to say medicine is the only answer. I think eating lots of protein(the source of tryptophan) and not very much sugar can really help the brain function at its best. Exercise helps get the tryptophan to the brain too. And the tryptophan is what makes the serotonin. I'm convinced it's a serotonin deficiency that causes this irritability in my family, at least.

My husband also has a real irritability issue that has put a real strain on our family. He is helped a little by taking 5-HTP (a precursor to serotonin, but non-prescription), if he will remember to take it. But he really has only done well when he has taken Prozac or Paxil. However, they make him tired, and he hates it, so he won't take them anymore.

Just a thought. Good luck!

Does your husband have any problems with his blood sugar? I dated a diabetic once and whenever his blood sugar would get low, he'd get impatient and severly angry with anything. Once he'd eaten, he felt so bad about his behavior he would try to make it up. He said in those moments, he just couldn't control himself. Wouldn't hurt to have this looked into.

Sounds like he either needs to get to an anger management course, or the two of you need to go into couples therapy - I would recommend the latter, as couples therapy gives you BOTH the opportunity to say what you mean and are feeling in a neutral environment with a neutral mediator. If your husband is capable of getting so angry at a 2 month old that he is cursing at her, how in the heck is he going to deal with the terrible 2's? It sounds as if he doesn't participate in the "work" part of raising your children - changing diapers, feeding, night time wakeups - so he has absolutely no reason or room to be angry with your children. He is getting all of his sleep, and gets to have the fun time with the children with none of the responsibility - and he still gets angry?? This is completely inappropriate behavior, and if his anger really gets out of control, who know's what he might feel comfortable doing to the offending child? I would be very worried at this point. While you may both love each other and want to think to best of him, it is people (men in particular) that are very easily angered by the things that young babies do naturally that are the largest percentage of people that cause shaken baby syndrome. Now, I know that you probably believe that your husband could never do something like that --- but, as loving and nurturing mothers, we never think that anyone, especially a father, could commit such a crime. But they do, everyday. I would not leave him alone with the baby until he is enrolled in anger management and/or couples therapy. When it comes to your children, you can never take any chances with their health.

If you can put your foot down and insist that he take an anger management class, that would give him the skills to deal with his temper.

You could also send him to the doctor for drugs. Mood stabilizers could fix it. I'm an advocate of willpower and training to alter behavior over drugs but some people won't ever change their ingrained behavior.

Maybe he's just seriously stressed. Does he have a recreational outlet that he can escape to a bit everyday so he can recharge a little bit? I know I become a total bear if I don't get a chance to lose myself in a book or a TV show for a little bit each day.

Also, is he getting enough sleep? Lack of sleep can turn even the most even tempered people into the wicked witch (or warlock) of the west. People need time to reset their brains from all the input during each day. A little lost sleep every day can add up in a big way.

I know with a new baby, good sleep is hard to come by, but learning skills to deal with it helps.

If he doesn't want to take anger management. Suggest yoga. He needs to find his center and be able to take a deep breath when he feels like he's about to be prodded off a cliff.

Hi- I agree w/everyone else....anger managment & therapy. He is setting a horrible example for your 3 kids. My husband & I both have temper flare ups & our 6.5 year old has quite a temper himself. Over the years, we've learned to get a grip on it & things are better. Do not tolerate it or excuse it anymore. And I also agree, you get up & deal w/the kids at night, not him so a bit of crying on a 3 hour road trip should be tolerable to him. MORE IMPORTANTLY, think about how this may effect the choices your girls will make when they start dating. Will they choose boys/men who end up being abusive? Statistics say yes. We choose what we know. I'd suggest telling that to your husband...How would he feel knowing one or all of his 3 beautiful girls are w/men who are abusive due to what they saw him doing when they were kids? Both of you are setting the example for them what a marriage/relationship is supposed to be. I'm not blaming you here, but they need to hear & see you tell him his yelling is not acceptable & that you will protect them & yourself. I know your girls are young but they are very impressionable & observant. Good luck!

well momma sounds like you have a 4th child on your hands... he seems fustrasted with himsself and well he needs to learn to vent someother way... men just dont seem to get it... we are the babies protectors and that is just it... babies will be babies na dkids will be kids and well they grow up and they are gone before we know it... at least he says sorry ... as long as he means it and its not just for show the stage should pass... like i said second kid...

I just had to say that you really need to watch this because what the BOTH of you are indirectly teaching your girls is that it is ok for a man to talk to you like that as long as he apologizes. I am not pushing anything off on you but the fact that you allow it (and I do use "allow" losely) tells your girls that it is ok.

Try explaining all this to him, maybe get some cousneling, something.

Does your family go to church? because that can be something to really help him out. Be careful, because you don't want this situation with your husband to turn physical.

I'm so sorry for your frustration. That being said. It's normal for you to feel these emotions for him. It's hard to feel connected with a man that can't control his emotional demonds. I feel it's important for him to seek some type of thereapy. If that's even an option for him. He has inner demands and much stress from the outside world that he needs to come to grips with before it really shows the effects on the children. They will have the same problems as he does if he doesn't stop his behavior. They might even take it a step furthur with there children. He needs to stop this cycle. He is probably under a lot of stress at work and finances. No excuse though.

Good luck and sorry for the non advice but opinion. It just angers me because my father was just like him. He did nothing for me as a child or adult but just his yucky bagage. Luckily I have the personality of my mother. But I remember my Dad and nothing was good about my life with him. I know he says sorry right now with them but I'm telling you, it's gonna not be enough when they are older with issues that he's left them with.