Help Me - Phoenix,AZ

Apologize with no excuses. Stay sober. Find out what activity he might like to do and offer to do it with him.

If he has any sporting events or school performances or other activities, attend them, even if he doesn't think he wants you to be there. Just sneak in and watch from the back.

Keep trying, for as long as it takes.

Hi T.,

Be patient with him. I don't know how your alcoholism manifested or how it affected your family, but your son may be very angry with you right now. It's likely that he really wanted you to choose *him* over the alcohol, and doesn't realize (as many fully-grown adults do) that you needed to get sober for yourself.

Just be there. Keep going to the visits. I was going to suggest writing him a letter to give him at the end of visits. Be prepared that he may not be ready to read it yet. I also agree that family counseling is a hard but good way to go. He needs a safe place to be honest. He needs you to be able to sit and hear his feelings without interrupting or justifying. He needs to see that you will be there for the long haul, and that may take years.

Have hope, T.. It takes a long, long time for a child to forgive these sorts of heart hurts, but it does happen. I've reconciled with a father who abandoned me before birth-- it's taken years, but I've learned to accept him for who he is. He recently visited our home and we had a very good visit..probably our best ever (and I'm 42). All that to say, growing up is hard for everyone, but maturity and counseling really does help. Be patient, stay sober, continue to be invested and keep reaching out. It DOES get better. Baby steps....

T.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Congratulations on your sobriety!!

No. You do not leave him alone. That's akin to giving up.

How do you earn his trust back? By staying on the wagon, so to speak.
Find out what he likes to do and do it with him - if it's XBOX - then learn the games and play with him - conversations will start there.

Apologize. Admit your err in drinking in excess and how this road to recovery has opened your eyes to the mess you made, how you failed him as a father...admitting mistakes and talking openly about them will help him see that you are trying. DO NOT make excuses for your drinking. DO NOT make excuses or blame someone else. This is YOU owning it, taking responsibility for it.

Good luck!

Give it time and keep the lines of communication open with your son. Four months sobriety isn't that long. In my opinion, the best thing that you can do for your son is to remain sober and healthy. In the long run, that will pay off. Your son will need you in his life. It may not seem like it now, but he will. The teen years are tough for both teens and their parents. Teens want their independence and parents still want control.

Congratulations on 4 months of sobriety. What a wonderful thing to do for yourself and for your son.
16 year olds often don't want to spend time hanging out with their parents. We aren't cool, they don't view us as pals and they would rather be with their friends.
His issues with you might be helped by some family counselling, if he was willing to go, but you're not likely to find a therapist giving Sunday sessions.
He might enjoy his Sundays more if you were able to do some outings like sports events if he likes that, movies (talking not necessary) or theme parks and have him invite a friend or two along. Can you teach him to drive? If he has a permit, he would probably be willing to spend time with you if it means driving practice.
Good luck to you in rebuilding a relationship with your son and continuing to work at maintaining your sobriety each day.

Congrats on the 4 month mark!

That is a really tough one....

Are you also doing Al-Anon? Has anyone there had any suggestions?

Has he been going to the Ala-teen meetings? Maybe talking with teens that have also been in this situation would help....

Frankly, it is probably because he still doesn't trust you... I'm sure you've broken lots of promises over the years with your alcoholism.... at this point, he is probably trying to protect his heart, which has likely been battered over the years with your alcoholic behavior.....

Congratulations on working on your sobriety. It is the best gift you can give yourself and your family.

I do not know you or your relationship with your child and his mother.. So what I will write is about my personal experience.

I am a child of an alcoholic. A scary one. Lots of yelling, spanking, erratic behaviors. We never knew if it was going to be a "good day" or a "bad day".

Also the divorce was terrible.. My father told us he did not want o hear anything about our mother.. So what were we supposed to talk about. We lived 90% of the time with our mother. My mother was not perfect either.. But at least she was stable.

And yet we saw how he treated her all of those years. But we loved our father. But we were always waiting for all of his behaviors to resurface.

As a teenager the other part was that we were very active with school. We were into sports, clubs.. all sorts of activities, and my father did not want to waste his time with us on this other "stuff". He NEVER met our friends, he would get upset if we wanted to go and participating activities, instead of spending that time with him..

It made US feel guilty, for wanting to do what teenagers do.. There is a lot of guilt for the child all of the tie. We love our parents, but at this age, we are interested in ourselves. But we knew he would be pissed if we were honest.. So we sucked it up and missed out on activities we really, really wanted to participate in.. Grudges.. yes, because instead of being able ot do these fun things with his blessings, we were just staying in his apt watching TV.. Or maybe going to do something HE thought was fun..

The other thing 4 months, is not very long.. My father could hold it together for a few months almost a year and then have relapse. T., my father did not finally get sober and admit he not only was addicted to alcohol, but also pot until he was in his 60's..

It took my father writing his letter and promising, he had learned, In his letter, he mentioned all of the things that he had done and how sorry he was. He gave specifics.

Then he called and said he wanted to meet with me alone to talk.. When we met he asked what things still bothered me that had not been mentioned in his letter that were still bothering me. So I told him. Again he was so sorry. It was all very emotional.

I told him I forgave him, but would not be able to trust him for a while.. I needed to make sure he was gong to live this "new life" he said he was leading. There were more conversations and many more apologies as he began to recall more things..

Finally I told him.. I have now forgiven you, please do not apologize any more, instead I need you to just continue to be a good person. And that is what he has done.

Now my sister on the other hand, has never forgiven him. Has only contacted him when she wants something or needs something from him.. She has banned us from her kids, but will allow us to give them gifts and money.. and Now even expects us to give them cash for their birthdays etc, but not to contact them.

A few weeks ago, I received these awful texts she was sending our father, they were so vile, I became so upset, I had to go to bed. I told my father, that she is now the one with the problems.. He has been such a wonderful father and devoted Grandfather and I am so sorry, that my sister is so selfish and outright mean.. The 3 of us have gone to counseling together, and this is when we realized, her memories of our lives, is so warped compared to the truth,,

And so after all of this.. My advice.
Send him a heartfelt letter. Be honest about how you feel. But also be honest you probably do not remember everything that you did that hurt your son and his mother.

Let him know you understand he needs time to gather his own feelings and thoughts. But when he is ready, you would love for the two of you to get together and have a heart to heart and if it would make him feel better, you are even willing to go to family counseling.

You must make him feel safe. Safe to say anything and everything he wants and needs to be able to say.. Also as a parent you need to let him know, you will always, always love him. No matter what happens that can never change.

I am sending you strength. Keep up the good work..

First, I would like to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! I think your son needs time. He has probably been disappointed and let down by you in the past and just has a wall up. I think you should write him a long letter. Let him know you love him, you understand his feelings and respect them, you know you have let him down and you have to work hard to earn his trust back, you are willing to do whatever he is comfortable with right now. Acknowledge his feelings, and let him know you will not give up on your relationship and you are willing to take as much time as he needs. I am sure there are meetings or counseling you can recommend for both of you, maybe he would be interested in getting his feelings out with a professional around. He is angry, and hurt, and probably scared. If you have to write him a letter each week, telling him you love him, and you are working on being a better dad to him. Don't give up, even if he rejects you. He is testing you now, and if you back off you will have proven him right. I wouldn't push seeing him if he isn't ready but writing letters back and forth may be all he can do, and it is a great way for him to get his feelings out. Best of luck and keep up the good work!!

Well I would plan some kinds of activities that he really enjoys, sporting events, hobbies, favorite restaurants, etc. Take a leap out of your comfort zone and try something new to you that he enjoys. Even a favorite video game. Keep the conversation on his interests for awhile, the things he is passionate about. Notice what things are important to him in his world. Also, in the right moment, I think you just tell him what you posted, I love you, and I want to earn your trust back. Be consistent. It's just going to take some time.

Congratulations! Personally, I love the idea of starting with a heartfelt and honest hand-written letter. It may take him awhile to read and/or absorb it, but it's something he could re-read until he's more comfortable. Even if you meet him for a movie and popcorn, baby steps are the way to go. He has SO much to process emotionally at his age. Good luck with your relationship. Stay strong, and be proud of yourself.

Yay, you!!! Congrats!!!

My father was an alcoholic.
He never recovered.
Many no-shows for my Sunday visits.
And fun outings ending for a bite to eat--in a bar, of course.

You'll do better with your child.
But his trust has been broken.
Be a constant now. Don't expect overnight miracles.
He's waiting for the backslide. The disappointment.
Call even on a day that's NOT your day to do so.
Don't force the issue of your relationship. Let it happen at his pace.
Do something together that you like to do.
And level with him .
Tell him you screwed it up.
Tell him you're trying 100% to undo the damage you've done.
Tell him you're sorry and that you know you've hurt him.
Be patient. This relationship is worth it.
Stay in your program, work the steps and call your sponsor! ;)

good job making the effort to reach out to him. you're a good dad.

another one here with an alcoholic father. i didn't even realize he was at the time - just thought i was being rejected over and over again by the person who was supposed to love me. so i am very happy for your son that he has a dad who is really TRYING (even sober my father doesn't put out any effort really. oh i take that back. he did friend me on fb. but i have accepted the fact that i can either spend a lifetime waiting for an apology that will never come, or get over it.)

i absolutely vote for a wholehearted apology. no excuses, no 'buts', no putting ANYthing back on him. plain and simple. i'm so sorry that i hurt you. mean it. and live it- so that he sees it. not to pressure you, but you have to be so careful. he is going to look for any inconsistencies. he will see if you get frustrated at his lack of warmth, and will take it to mean you're not sorry, you're just as selfish as you ever were. just try to constantly put his feelings first. when he is with you it's ALL about him. and once you give that apology - be willing to step back if that's what he needs. he will come around.

Would he be open to family counseling with you? Are you in any treatment program yourself?

I think what you're seeing is that you have a LOT of trust to rebuild and it will take time. Keep trying, being consistent, and listening. Really listen when he finally does want to talk, even if it's hard to hear. And if spending an entire afternoon right now isn't working, try meeting him where he is. See a sports event. Attend his school events. Go to a movie. Go to dinner. Things that will give you something in common and have a defined duration. Be present and don't flake on promises.

My BIL drank himself to death and it was really hard to watch the kids suffering. They never knew which dad would show up at events and my DH held his ticket to his daughter's graduation and met him outside first because we needed to be sure he would be sober. (He was, thankfully.) So if you do these things, make sure you are sober, accountable, and someone they'd be proud to have at their events. Your 16 yr old has probably carried a lot of these broken promises so it will be very important to show him you are working on things.

congrats!
does he have any hobbies that you could join in with him on? fixing cars, roots for a particular sports team, plays a sport?

I'm glad you are trying here. Rosemud is right - apology with no excuses. If you try to excuse ANY of your prior behavior, the apology will mean NOTHING. If you want to prove to him that you love him, you will not touch a drop of alcohol.

Whatever it is that he likes is what you should do with him. Does he like online games? X-box? Watching sports on the TV? If it's a game, pick something that is two player and play it with him. Whatever sport he likes, watch it with him.

Consider asking the court if you can go to family counseling with him. They may say no, but it doesn't hurt to try. This is where you will have to listen to the things he feels about you. It may hurt, but if you are willing to go, it may say a great deal to him what your real intentions are.

Don't give up. He may test the waters to see if you'll give up. Don't.

You're going to have to give him time. It's only been 4 months. For you, that's a long time; for him, not so much.

I agree with the suggestions that you find something HE likes to do and try to do it with him. And Alateen meetings would probably be great for him if you can get him to go. I imagine he'll balk at first, but if you can just get him to that first meeting, he'll probably find a "home" and want to go back.

Remember, the ONLY thing you have control over is yourself. Turn it over to your higher power, and give it time.

Speaking from 'the other side of the table' (the Al-Anon/affected family member place), I can say that it took me quite a while to work through the effects of growing up with my mother's chemical issues. She did stop drinking, however never entered a program to deal with the underlying causes, so I needed to just do my own work in the program. The fact that you are in a program (I assume) is a GREAT sign. First thing is to keep working your program and learning from the others about how they repaired those damaged relationships. I'm sure you already know that several Steps will help you in this process.

You might also see whether he would be open to trying Alateen, so he can get support and spend time with other kids who have been there. Like the others said, it's going to take time, and you need to keep building YOUR program so you can get clear about what's damaged and how you can show that you're changing your behavior. Good luck!!

Hi T.,

Sorry this is a later response. I am very happy you have taken the steps to sobriety.

What is your son into? Find something you can both do and do it. Dont give up and leave him alone. He needs you. It will take earning trust back, learning each other again.

With quitting an addiction you change, and you have changed for the better! you need to show him that you are there for him, you are a better person, and that you will not fall into the same trap!

Congratulations! - very proud of you!

Good for you T.! I would guess you are in AA or something. I am sure they can guide you with this. I'd let their experience help.

I can tell you this in my own experience. Pushing too hard with a teenager usually back fires. Stay steady but don't try to control the situation. In other words don't make him be with you, but keep in touch and send positive messages about how proud you are of him and how much you love him.

Hi T.,
My father is a recovering alcoholic - sober 4 years. I'm also divorced with a 17 & 15 yo as well as soon-to-be stepmom to a 15 and 10 yo. I'm not sure how much your son was around the drinking or how much you have to apologize for with him. My mom learned through the family program that an alcoholic's life revolves around the alcohol and everyone else in their life revolves around them. You stopped that cycle and that's great! That is a huge accomplishment and you should feel very proud. Continue to work the steps. Stay involved and work your program. That is the best thing you can do for him first of all. Second, I'm not sure how much of your son's attitude is about your alcoholism and how much is about the fact that he's 16.
Is his mom supportive of him spending time with you or does she believe its his decision? I'm all for children having a voice in their lives, however, just because you're divorced you're still the parents and you are still the ones that make the decisions for them. Try and work with her and get on the same page. Find something to engage with your son - whatever HE enjoys doing. If the sole focus is about you and your recovery, he may be over it as he's a teen and his world revolves around him.

There are some wonderful books for children of alcoholics that may help him. When my dad was in treatment I had to write him a letter. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and I was terrified to see him thinking he'd be mad at me. The fist thing he did was hug me. When I was your son's age, I believed that if my dad knew that I knew he was sneaking a drink he wouldn't do it. I believed that if he loved me enough, he wouldn't do it. As an adult, I understand it wasn't about me. At the time, I just felt he didn't love me.

Good luck!

I'm sorry that your relationship with your son has suffered. I'm sure you know and can understand why.

At this point, I would work the steps and be honest and open with him about where you are in the steps. You know very well that recovery doesn't happen over night. Let him know that you completely understand that he is angry with you and you won't force him to talk to you or spend time with you, but you need him to know that you are working hard to get to the point where he feels like you are his dad and he is as proud of you as you are of him.

Also, please read the book "Wild at Heart" by John Elderege. And when you're done, give it to your son. Make the changes in both of your lives so you no longer feel like victims of your dysfunctional legacy. You can do this.

God loves you.
C.