Husband Pees on Floor, Tv, Etc in Middle of the Night After Drinking....

Oy.

The insanity of alcoholism.

Isn't it funny how this stuff can become the norm. A grown man, drunk, urinating on the family furniture, on the children's gifts - How this becomes normal, almost expected.

I really don't miss the days of active addiction in my family unit. They were crazy. I felt like a mess but didn't realize it until I'd had a chance to breath. To live functionally. To count on stability.

In my opinion, you doing the family shopping might help him to establish a new routine and to take some pressure off of the immediate triggers. Those first few weeks of sobriety are TOUGH, and it does help to not be in acute craving ALL of the time. It does help to go through different motions, create new habits, get distance from the old ones. Staying away from the grocery store, old haunts, favorite bars - that can be really helpful, especially in the first weeks/months/years.

That is not (in my opinion) a sustainable plan for many people. Many people need more support/different support/a new tool box if they wish to have a sustainable life in sobriety.

I get what you're saying about the physical addiction vs. mental addiction. I agree that there is a difference between late stage alcoholism and early stage alcoholism. It's going to make life easier that he's not having DTs and that he's not at medical risk when quitting.

But, still, a mental addiction IS (neurologically) a physical addiction. He's probably going to need a lot of support and (in my experience) it can't work if you're providing all the support. You will probably need support too. I have, at least. Addiction affects the entire family dynamic. It takes time and help to create a new dynamic. This might not be the case for everyone, but it has been true for my family.

The 12 step path offers many people a happy recovering life. I know so many AAs (alcoholics anonymous) and CoDas (codependents) who get a TON of relief from 'The Rooms'. You both might want to try it out. Alcoholics Anonymous for him, Alanon for you. There ought to be meetings in your area that offer childcare. There are, at least, in my area.

The advice going in is to listen for the similarities and not the differences, if you don't like one meeting try out several others, and know that just going to the meetings is a very different experience than getting a sponsor and working the steps. The meat of the 12 step program, for many people, is in working the steps. Some people find they feel totally at home after the first few meetings. Others feel like they've stepped into the strangest subculture ever and it takes time before it stops feeling bizarre and uncomfortable.

There are different paths too. SOS, RR, inpatient/outpatient rehabilitation...just to name a few.

Some books that have been of great use in my life are: Co Dependent no More, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, The twelve steps and twelve traditions (the 12 and 12).

Oh, and just a heads up: Sometimes it gets messier before it gets easier. Take away the (self) medication and the relief is gone, but the tools haven't been established. My suggestion to you is to REALLY focus on self care. Keep a lot of focus on that line you've described, and be careful to not become his answer, his mother, his support system. There is a big difference in being supportive and in being the entire support, do you know what I mean?

Take time to yourself. Time where you can sit quietly with your deepest self and to just listen. Be gentle with yourself. And remember, when it comes down to it, there is nothing that you can do to keep him sober (likewise, if he's determined to get sober there's not a lot you can do to keep him from doing it). So make the focus you're own care. Be the person you want to model for your kids, and do it for you.

Best wishes, many cups of hot tea, and one thousand hugs. You aren't alone sister. I hope you're family finds joy and relief.
__________________________________
ETA after SWH

(you don't have to answer these questions or anything, but they might be helpful for you/him to reflect on and talk over)

How many times has he tried to quit before?
What has he tried that helps?
What has he tried that hasn't helped?

Likewise -

What helps you stay sane?
When do you start to spin?
How do you maintain balance/imbalance?

Where does the aversion to 12 steps and/or counseling come from?

Does he have prior experience that turns him off?
Has he tried it before?
Have you tried any of these by yourself? Would you be willing to get yourself some support even if he isn't?

How does his drinking affect you?
How does his drinking affect him?
Your children?

Is drinking the solution? Is it also the problem?
After all (and I have ADHD-c, so I can relate to sleep anxiety and a busy mind) alcohol actually inhibits certain levels of sleep (in most people) and can add to exhaustion, depression, and anxiety. Sometimes short times relief comes at the cost at of long term relief and vice versa.

Do you come from an alcoholic family?
Does he?

A lot of us are really resistant to getting help. Makes us feel weak, broken, inept.

But here's my reasoning that helps me to get out of this mind frame:
I am one gal out of billions of people, the result of generations and generations of nurture and nature (the relationship between the 'wheels'). It took more than just me, just my choices, just my unique self, to create who I am. Likewise, it takes more than just me to undo some of the established patterns.

My definition of strength has changed. Now it includes being willing to ask for help when I need it.

Your husband might need to be willing to do something different if he wants different results.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

It's pretty easy to shift accountability, to say, this is your fault because you didn't care take me properly. That is total, 100 percent, grade A, Bull S_it. HIS addiction is not yours to treat. You are not his mother. Stay strong on that. Do not take the blame. Do not internalize this. Hard to do, but so important.

Sounds tough, I really hope you get yourself support through this. Maybe some solo counseling? Not sure what your path is, but you shouldn't have to shoulder this alone. Big hugs.
____________________________
ETA #2

Wait a moment, you're pregnant, raise two babies, and were diagnosed with fibromyalgia?

Oh, honey. You must be exhausted. Absolutely exhausted.

I'm not familiar with fibromyalgia, but isn't that something that especially flares up during stress? Pregnancy alone, added to full time work and parenting...it's too much (or would be for me, at least).

Look, I know it's not much of a marriage when your going alone, but it sounds better than the alternative: where no one is getting outside help.

I am so proud of you for keeping up the good self care - you are super strong. If you can, keep on keeping on, 'cause I'm sure it helps.

It's funny that your husband doesn't see much of this as particularly problematic, yet he doesn't want anyone to know about it. If it's not a problem, why the secrecy?

The wonderful thing about counseling and 12 steps, is that both of them are anonymous. I know a lot of professionals who attend meetings outside of their immediate area. For example, medical and mental health professionals who don't want to share space with their clients will go to the county over so that they have a bit more of a cushion.

After a while, I think people usually start to feel proud of the support and help they require. And also, the amount of support they are able to provide to others, because as we get stronger and healthier we're more able to give that to our families, friends, and most importantly to ourselves.

A lot of folks look at outside help as a sentence. Like, oh my god, now I have to do this awful thing that only total bottom feeders have to do. But it's not really like that. That's just the stereotype and stigma surrounding addiction.

Addiction looks so many different ways.

I mean, yes, I know folks who access help at the point where they are on the streets, have lost their professional job, their family, their home, their functioning find.

But I also know people whose 'bottom' looks great on the outside. They've gotten promotions, and have the 'perfect' house. They still take their kids to ball games. They THINK their addiction is contained, that no one can see it.

But the thing is, addiction isn't just about when a person is inebriated. It's about when they start to tense up and lash out when they AREN'T inebriated. My dad, for example, is a lot nicer when he's drunk. But, that is the big problem. He is only open, sweet, humble, when drunk. And no, as an old man, his health is in shambles. He can't function without a drink. He'll go a rich man, and he has a wife who loves him. I love him too. But the drink is killing him and his life revolves around when he can get to it.

He's lost a lot to it. My mom, for example. Stability. The chance for a different life. The chance to give me and my sister a different example. Finding relief without the bottle.

Anyway, I'm sure I've rambled on for more than enough time and I'm not sure any of this will be helpful.

In my life, I had to get help first. And like I said, I REALLY didn't want to. I was so angry that my husband wasn't the person who took the first step. But, I had to swallow my pride and move on. I got to the point where I was willing to leave him to live a different life. And I took myself and my kids to meetings. I sat around girlfriends dinning room tables and laid it all out while the kids played outside. I cried, for the first time in years I just wept and wept.

I stopped trying to control what wasn't in my control, and took responsibility for my end.

And the weird part was, I felt lighter, more free. I could laugh again, the kind of laugh that comes from deep in the belly. I woke up feeling excited about the day. And it stopped mattering so much, what my husband was doing, because I knew I'd be okay. With or without him. I knew it wasn't mine to fix. That he was going to do what he was going to do no matter my response.

Through a series of painful miracles, my husband made some choices that I'm very proud of him for. He started owning up to his end. He started asking for help. He started getting real, getting humble, and getting vulnerable. I stopped being his mama and I became his wife, and I found a husband on the other side.

Now, admittedly, I might have needed all the help I got, and much more than you do. It sounds like you take better care of yourself than I did me.

But that's my experience, so maybe it's worth sharing even if it's not your situation exactly. I really do hope you get what you need though, 'cause it sounds like you carry a heavy load and you deserve support.

Thanks for opening up. I think you're really brave.

9 moms found this helpful

Alcoholics Anonymous ASAP - it is fantastic that he is asking you for help. You both need the support to make the best decisions, plan of attack, etc. He does have a problem and he knows he does. You have let him know that you are there for him. Go together as a united front and work through it as a family. Regardless of how the alcohol addiction is manifesting - physically or mentally - it has to be dealt with and you don't have to do it alone. Good for the both of you for facing this together!

7 moms found this helpful

You doing the grocery shopping isn;'t going to keep him from buying alcohol. It's available every time he stops for gas at a convenience store. Asking you to do the grocery shopping is simply refusing to take responsibility for his own behavior.
Whether the addiction is mental or physical, you are married to an alcoholic. Been there, done that, never again.

7 moms found this helpful

SWH
Since he will not go, YOU go. Go alone. You do not even have to tell him. You need the support to help him. Do this for yourself and your family. No excuses.

If you really love him and he really loves you, He will go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and you will go to Alanon meetings. AND you will go to the doctor together and be very honest about all of this..

Take a copy of this question with you..

I am glad you love him and want to help him.. The best way is to be honest about what is going on and getting help ASAP.

7 moms found this helpful

If he is mentally addicted he is still addicted and you both need to go see his doc together. I also am not sure if meds to help him sleep will be helpful-they might be more harmful. I used to sleepwalk too and swhen my insomnia got unbearable I was put on every medication under the sun for it. ALOT of them just made my issues worse I started experiencing sleepwalking, nightmares, eating in the night and trying to drive while asleep.
As for relaxing to fall asleep has he thought about exercising? To me that is probably the best stress reducer-even a walk around the block makes me feel better. Maybe your family can all go out after dinner? Join a gym or softball team-check craigslist because alot of times teams will post in the community section that they need players. Maybe you two can create a relaxing bedtime routine too-include a card or board game after the kids are in bed so you can have fun and talk.

6 moms found this helpful

He wants you to help him.
He needs to help himself.

If he is even mentally addicted, he is an alcoholic. Ask him to go to AA meetings. Even if he won't, you can go to Al-Anon meetings; they are for family members whose lives are affected by the alcoholic in their lives. You will find support there.

I understand not wanting to cross the wife/mother line. My ex-husband was, and is still, addicted to opiates. They were prescribed for pain relief, but his addiction is one of the key reasons we are divorced. Crossing the line into 'mothering' means that there is zero sexual attraction. No adult sense of intimacy. No true partnership.

He's going to have to make his own choices regarding his priorities. It isn't good for him to ask you to negotiate his sobriety. Meds and counseling will help him if he's willing, as will finding support. He's going to need to come clean with himself and admit that he has a huge problem; it may take you moving out or separating to do it, but this will ensure that your children don't have this behavior modeled for them.

I'm sorry-- it's hard, I've been there. Only he can address this. Get some help and support for yourself, too, and consider family counseling.

5 moms found this helpful

I think it's wonderful he is asking to have help quitting drinking. A lot of husbands do not go to grocery stores so I dont think taking over that chore is "mothering" him. Go at night and leave him home with the kids, it will be more relaxing for you and good for him to have alone time with the kids
I use Melotonin to help me sleep (has he tried that?)
Go to some Alanon meeting in your area and discuss this and get more expert advise! They are all about how to Not be responsible for the other person's drinking or not drinking.
Hope the problem stops!

5 moms found this helpful

if he is relying on ao sleep alcohol to sleep it is still an addiction. he may or may not have physical withdrawals, but the menatl withdrawals will be a bit of a b*tch. There is such a thing as functional alcholics.

Go to his primary physician with him and they will be able to help with possibly a temporary anti depressant or sleep aid and then work to go to AA together.

This issue doesn't make him a horrible person.:)

5 moms found this helpful

Your husband, as you know, is an alcoholic but he's a functional alcoholic. They are actually the worst because they don't see their drinking as problem. I was a functing addict so I am intimately familiar with the symptoms!

Your husband is having blackouts because of alcohol. That will only get worse - not better. The fact that he CANNOT go into a store without buying alcohol tells me that he is an alcoholic through and through.

And us functioning addicts of course blame everyone else. Why wouldn't we? We can still function in society so it's not our problem, it's everyone elses!

If hubby won't go to AA, you should go to Al-anon to get some help for you and your kids. If hubby goes go to the store and gets alcohol, you could take it along with the receipt and return it to the store the next day. I know, you shouldn't have to do it, but it would get the alcohol out of the house.

Tell your husband that all he is doing is abstinance when he's not drinking, but what he NEEDS is recovery. In recovery he will discover the reasons why he drinks - and they may be different than what he thinks! After figuring out the reasons he drinks, he can then address those issues. Until he does that, there will always be triggers and no matter how long he abstains the day will come when he will not be able to resist and the party starts all over again.

I think the problem is that, like most addicts, he thinks he's different than the rest. I did too for a long time - that's the problem with us functioning addicts - we think we're different. We are no different and if he would just go to a meeting or two and listen to a couple of people speak, he would realize that he's not so different and that there is a lot to learn from his fellow alcoholics/addicts.

If he won't go to a meeting, try getting him the AA book - can't think of the name of it but maybe he might read it in the comfort and privacy of his own home and from there may decide that he might try a meeting.

Also, a meeting doesn't have to be a formal "meeting." A "meeting" is when two or more addicts get together to offer help and support to each other. So if you happen to know even one recovering alcoholic, ask that person to come talk to your hubby. They can have a "meeting" right there in your living room.

Good luck to you. I do suggest that you don't stick around too much longer if he refuses help. You say he hasn't gotten worse, but better. That is temporary. At some point the bottom will fall out and you and your children do not need to be around when that happens!

4 moms found this helpful

He refuses to go to AA because he's in denial, and maybe you are too. He IS an alcoholic and there is no way you can help him until he admits that and seeks help. The fact that your making excuses for him is the classic sign of a codependent :(
YOU need to go to an ALANON meeting yourself. That's where you'll get the best advice from real people just like you who are dealing with the exact same thing. You may also want to seek some counseling for yourself. I love my husband very much but I would NEVER put up with that kind of behavior. And you've been living with this for years?! A counselor will help you figure out why you allow yourself to live this way. Please think about the example you are setting for your children. Imagine your daughter grown up and married to a man who does this, what would you say to her?

4 moms found this helpful

If this has been going on for years and he refuses help --- I'd be moving out and filing for a divorce. An alcoholic will not seek help until he hits bottom and bottom is different for everyone. Maybe his bottom will be you walking out and taking the kids. But for some they have to lose everything, family, home, job, friends ect before they seek help.

Al-Anon will help you learn to deal with the fallout and the guilt ect but seriously I would be looking for a good divorce attorney. No one should have to live like that.

4 moms found this helpful

I am sure you love your husband but I do see a drinking problem here. This drinking and peeing behavior is soooo college and immature. I think he needs help.

4 moms found this helpful

I am very concerned by your post. Your husband does seem to want to change, but he wants you to "help" him. Be careful! He can't avoid the grocery store forever! What if you get sick and need him to go to the store for you, he buys wine and beer, drinks excessively and pees everywhere? Is he going to lay the blame at your feet for "setting him up"? I ask this question for a good reason. My friend was in the same situation and her husband tried to beat addiction on his own with my friend's help. Every time he slipped up, he blamed her. He was a super nice guy with super good intentions, but he needed a professional's help conquering his addiction. You can be a huge support to him, but he needs to get control over his addictions, not just hone his avoidance tactics.

The fact that your husband WANTS to change is fabulous! You love him dearly, yet are firm about not raising your kids in that environment and that is also fabulous! Let your husband know that there is no shame in going to AA or an outpatient treatment facility to kick this habit before it gets worse.

I hope the best for you all.

3 moms found this helpful

Haven't read responses so this might have been mentioned, but find Al-Anon group. They will help you cope with living with a person with an addiction. As I'm sure you know, unless he wants help, there is nothing you can do for him. But there are things you can do for YOU. Good luck to you all.

2 moms found this helpful

This peeing thing is not at all uncommon when men have a lot to drink. (I witnessed it several times in college!)

If he really wants to quit drinking, I believe AA is the only way. It's an awesome program, and nothing to be ashamed of! There are all types of people and all types of drinkers there. Being "mentally addicted" is more than enough to qualify. It's great that he is willing to seek, and accept, help. Ask him to at least sit in on a meeting. He may be surprised.

*ETA -- Someone who wants to stop drinking, but refuses AA? Doesn't make sense... that's kind of their specialty! I feel your frustration. You might want to tell him (as hopefully his doctor will) that the type of magic pill he is looking for does not exist. He needs to man-up and face facts and deal with life. (Sorry if I'm being too blunt.) Maybe you can just put wee-wee pads in his favorite spots. ;-) (Sorry, again.)

Best wishes to both of you.

2 moms found this helpful

Hope this did not appear in another post, but here goes:

If he gets new sleeping meds - you say he's tried others too, some with success -- don't you see there's a chance that he will begin to replace his need for alcohol with a need for sleeping meds? And guess what. He'll be able to say, "But honey, I'm drinking less, so stop annoying me about how much I use the sleeping pills." He'll be able to throw blame onto you when you finally start saying, "You're just replacing alcohol with pills."

He wants help but only on his own terms. The excuse of "I drink to fall asleep" means he truly does not want to take responsibility -- and until he takes responsibility, he will never fully be cured, and you and your children will pay and pay and pay the price. He can be a great dad and great husband but if he puts alcohol (or pills) first -- he is never going to be there for you or your kids.

His utter refusal to even consider AA or counseling would be a deal-breaker for me. He cannot cure himself and it sounds like his next step is to expect YOU to cure him. You cannot. He must get outside help. He is likely going to blame you when you cannot stop him from drinking (you say that he already blames you when he purchases alcohol, so he has no sense of responsibility for his own actions).

I would make counseling and/or ongoing attendance at AA make-or-break deals with clear time deadlines. He starts now, or else. It will be hard with kids but I have to say it: YOU take him to meetings or counseling; you wait for him in the car, in view of the door; you drive him home afterward -- so he cannot slip out and claim he's going. Maybe that's mothering him in the way you don't want, so if you don't want to give him the ultimatum, maybe you need to leave now..

Either he gets help beyond YOU or he can prepare for you to take your kids and leave him until he is totally sober and stays that way. It does not matter if he's a "good dad" and doesn't hit the kids or you or whatever. He is still modeling not only alcoholism but also complete lack of responsibility for your kids to see.

His attitude about AA apparently is that it's for "crack addicts" and people who beat others up. Interesting. My friend who is a gorgeous tall blonde professional woman who comes across like the world's smartest supermodel -- and who has been in AA for 20 years -- would love to meet him and disagree.

2 moms found this helpful

While he may not technically be an alcoholic, he is definitely an alcohol abuser. A lot of what you are saying is very similar to my brother. He claims he can't sleep without drinking every night. And he drinks alot at night, too. Outside of this nightly drinking, he is a functional member of society. He works all day without drinking a drop. But when he gets home, it's on.
Unless he is willing to admit he has a problem, there isn't much you can do. We have tried to get through to my brother, but he is oblivious. We have tried scare tactics and nagging. Neither of which work.
I don't have an answer- as most of us won't. If he won't work on his problem, there isn't much you can do. Except request that he wear Depends or sleep in a tent outside- seriously.

2 moms found this helpful

That's awesome that he wants the help! My ex boyfriend did that too; he'd pee in his closet all the time 0_o
He was an alcoholic, and probably still is.
Your husband is getting WASTED once or twice a week. While alchohol will help someone fall asleep faster, it ALWAYS causes the person to wake up just a few hours later. Can he try some melatonin? OTC sleep aids like Diphenhydramine? Rx sleep aids? (although I'd try melatonin first). ANYTHING but the alchohol :/
Exercise (even just a walk around the neighborhood) will help calm him down and relax when he gets home from work.
I hope this stops sooner rather than later! :/

2 moms found this helpful

My husband has done things like that, too and I have a hunch more than we know have experienced something weird with spouses or drink once a year, once a month or daily.
One of the things I noticed in a lot of situations is that women do not want to have the results showing up in the morning. That in itself is enabling a person by possibly cleaning up the evidence, not talking about it but permitting children to feel all the anxiety and letting hubby or wife or whomever off the hook and they don't have to face the reality of what they have really done. I not only did not empty or clean up a water bottle that he used in the bedroom once, but watched him drink the consequences a day or so later when he was like 'eeeeuuu' this is disgusting. And yes it was.
I was sadly wet upon while in bed, (claimed he was in a deep sleep and couldn't help it because he did that when he was younger) and so on and so on. We know the truth and they need to see the truth.Alanon, for the family members, even if he won't go, is beneficial and read everything you can and do not hide the book. It is nothing you have done or can do anything about. And if he is an alcoholic no matter what you do he has to come to a decision about it. I am sure deep down inside he is ashamed for some of the things he has done, but don't let him place that guilt on you. Best wishes and a hug.

2 moms found this helpful

If he is only getting drunk a few nights a week, he most likely doesn't have a problem with alcohol. It sounds like he is a sleep walking problem! Maybe he actually has some sleep disease or something?

2 moms found this helpful

Have you looked into Al-Anon, which is for family members of alcoholics. A man who drinks to this point of excess 1-2 times per week and cannot go to the grocery because of the temptation of alcohol is an alcoholic. Unfortunately, since he won't admit he has a problem, he is unlikely to truly change. Holding your friend's head out of the toilet when they're a drunk in college is one thing. Keeping a grown man from peeing all of the house because he is a drunk is another. If he's still refusing any treatment, then he doesn't actually want help. What he wants is someone to blame for his continuing active alcoholism. Until he hits his rock bottom, he won't change. Acting as his mother and excusing his behavior ("the kids don't see it...the kids are asleep) enables his addiction. If he refuses treatment, why are you not equally adament that he must receive help if you're going to live together? I'd be helping him find his rock bottom by moving my butt out of the house and letting him deal with the urine and everything else.

2 moms found this helpful

Please go to Al-anon as fast as you can. They will be able to help you. Get yourself help first. It's like being in an airplane and the flight attendants saying to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

You know your husband has a problem. Please get yourself help.

1 mom found this helpful

I didn't read through the responses, but read your question and update, and I may have a bit of a different approach than what some are saying. What if you treat this as a purely medical condition?

As in, when we crave something (even insofar as to be addicted), it is absolutely our bodies' way of saying that there is an imbalance, and that we NEED something. Now, hear me out.... he does not NEED the alcohol, but his body is perceiving that he does because SOMETHING is out of flux... something in him is telling him that is what will feed the "hunger." (The sleeplessness is likely an excuse, but could definitely be part of it, if you look at this holistically.)

What else can he just not stay away from? I am going to venture a guess and say either carbs/bread, or sweets/soda, or a combination of the two. Why? Because he likely has a yeast problem (look up "candida" for more information.) Yeast needs sugar to thrive- alcohol can feed it. The reaction you are getting when he is that drunk could be more like an allergy than actually being rip-roaring wasted.

I would talk to him about this- about allergies and candida, parasites.... things that would make him crave alcohol. Get a holistic doctor (I have heard great things about the Clarus Center in Warrenville, but there are others around too.) Even if this is NOT the case, it is a foot in the door of getting SOME kind of help.

Also, you can go to meetings even if he won't. There are meetings for families, and some of them probably (likely) have some form of child care while you attend. Don't be afraid to get help for yourself.

1 mom found this helpful

Shopping: Write a list. Have him to the store late in the evening or early in the morning. Here stores can't sell alcohol between 11p - 6a. So if he goes to the store during those hours he CAN'T buy it because the WON'T sell it to him!

It really is all about control. If he only buys the items on the list, and the alcohol isn't on the list, then he should be fine. If he can't even be around it without buying it, then there is definitely a problem that he needs to address.

Better yet, use a grocery home delivery, or Harris Teeter has a 'shop for you' program where you send a list of what you want, drive up to the front of the store and pick up the groceries. You don't even have to go inside the store.

1 mom found this helpful

A functioning alcoholic who won't admit to it is still an untreated alcoholic. He is in denial. You have yourself and a family to worry about. The conclusion would be extremely easy for me.

1 mom found this helpful

See if he will go to counseling with you or alone to address this issue. Sounds like he is in denial. I wouldn't threaten to leave unless you are going to really do it.

1 mom found this helpful

Yikes. Just one reason why I married a non-drinker I guess. I hope you get some good suggestions. Good luck!

Wow, he really needs AA. I have seen this in some males in my family and I hate to tell you but it gets so much worse as they get older (like grandfather age). Plead with him. Tell him he has an addiction and you are sure it is going to ruin your marriage. Try everything you can to get him to go to AA and talk to his doctor about his alcoholism. Boy, I really hope you can make him see the light because as he gets older in my experience he will get more stubborn about it and much worse. AND it would be beneficial to you to go to Al-Anon meetings too. I'm so so sorry...this is going to be a long road.

I know everyone thinks AA is the end all be all for people with a drinking problem, but not everything works for everybody. Now people are court required to go there, so you have a bunch of angry people that got caught drunk driving complaining about how they dont want to be there. Then you have the know it alls, which is what my husband calls the newly sober people who want to tell everyone what to do. And then there are the old creepy guys hanging around trying to pick up on the younger women that are court required to be there. My husband went to a meeting where they had dropped off some people from a group home, one of them was sleeping, and snoring loudly during the meeting. Sometimes at the morning meetings, people would show up.still drunk from the night before. I dont blame anyone who doesnt want to go there. My husband prefered counseling. He said that helped him a lot. But AA is free, so he goes there sometimes instead. GL! my suggestion is tell him if he chooses to drink then he has to sleep in the bathtub. And make him clean up his own pee pee messes.

I say run with his suggestion to talk to his doctor about the sleep medicine but go to the appt with him and be absolutely honest with the doctor about YOUR concerns about the drinking and the complete history of this issue. (You may or may not tell you husband you intend to do this.) Getting a medical professional involved seems like your only hope at this point since he's otherwise adverse to getting proffessional help. Chances are the doctor will be able to easily diagnose his addiction whether your husband likes it or not.

The fist Dr visit you might not get very far, but it will be a step. If your husband thinks the first Dr is "wrong", say "Well, let's go see someone else who can help you with your sleep issues." Several doctors telling him he has a problem may do the trick. I think the crucial thing at this point is to not let up. Keep on him and keep pointing out all the facts about addiction. It will sink in or it won't but you can't say you didn't try.

Also, try not to look at it from the mothering perspective. You are his partner and for your family's sake it's ok to help him find a way out of this illness.

Are there any friends or family that can support you and help convince him??

Good luck - don't give up. He sounds like he's a great guy and worth fighting for. He's not alone/unique either (newsflash: addicts always think they're situation is special and unique and their problems are so much harder... then they get to treatment and find lots of others in the same exact scenarios.) my friend's husband had a very similar situation... very happy, sweet, but zero control, even down to the nightime peeing.

Can't comment on the drinking b/c I have no experience there. Have you thought of him trying melatonin for sleep? It's supposed to be all natural and is over the counter. I will warn you though that it made my husband feel weird and act different the next day. I hear most people don't react like that.

Tell him you're leaving if he doesn't stop drinking? And then follow through?

"Have you tried any of these by yourself? Would you be willing to get yourself some support even if he isn't? I would go alone, yes - but really, what kind of marriage is that??" Your words!

Then it is 50% of the couple trying to make excused instead of 100% of them making excuses (get it - both of you).

The last thing this binge drinking, alcoholic needs is Ambien at the end of his night. How truthful is he with his physician?? Probably not at all. If something happens to your husband will put all of the blame on the physician (or you if he is dead) and that isn't fair. The physician needs to know it all and be tested at frequent, unannounced intervals.

Get help for yourself first, them get help for him. I hear foot dragging by both of you.

Good luck!

leave him. How is he safe to be around your kids? What if he "has to" have a drink when he is with them? if he is not willing to take measures to change (and this does not mean never entering a store - that's ridiculous!) then you have to leave.