Help Saving My life....my Family and Marriage.

My Dear A.,
You have made the first BIG step in this battle that lies ahead of you. You have admitted that you have a problem and you have admitted that you cannot handle it by yourself. I see that you live in a small town,but you are very close to Springfield and they should have a lot more resources for you that you will find there in Republic. I know that there is a church based recovery program here in Topeka called PALS ( Prayers Answered,Lives Saved) that might have a branch in Springfield as well. I have tried to find a website about it online but don't see anything. If you are interested, message me and I will contact the pastor of the church here and see if he has a national listing for them.
I have struggled with an addiction to cigarettes, I quit about 15 years ago after smoking about 2 packs a day for years. I can tell you it is a daily battle as you learn to break free from the clutches of what has enslaved you. Please don't try to do this alone...tell everyone you know that you are trying to quit drinking...that puts an added pressure on you because others are "watching you". Keep telling yourself every single day how hard you are working at this and how proud you are of yourself!! Don't just quit drinking....add something to your life...so there isn't a "vaccuum". Start walking with your children, take up a sport that you enjoy,take a class at a local community college...keep yourself busy and occupied.
The biggest thing I can suggest to you is to seek spiritual support...you are a Child of God and He wants to see you live a life that is free of addiction and full of love.
If I can be up support to you, please don't hesitate to message me...
God bless you A.
R. Ann

A., Sounds like you really are true about getting help. I would start with getting a sponsor. Someone you can talk to about your stresses from day to day. Atleast you are on the right starting page. AA is a great help, use the tools they give you. Dont be ashamed you are strong enough to ask for help. The Serenity Prayer is a God Send. Say it everytime you get weak. Good Luck to you!

I don't know where you live A. but in the northland in Liberty there is a group that meets at Pleasant Valley Baptist Church called Celebrate Recovery. They meet every Friday night at 7 pm. It is a great group that spiritually helps you combat your hang ups and such. The phone number to the church is ###-###-#### if you need some questions answered about the group. Good luck and God Bless, you will prevail thru this and never doubt yourself as a good mother.

Good job, you've taken the first biggest step, recognition of the problem and wanting help. My husband is a recovering alcoholic for almost 3yrs. Yeah! The best thing is AA meetings and finding someone you relate with in the meetings to be your sponsor. They too work with you on the 12 steps. It is a daily journey. Talk with your husband about it and family. They will be very supportive of you and want to help you succeed, especially your mom, for having lived through it previously. Good help, seek help, it is too hard to overcome by yourself. You are in my prayers.

Hi A.,

I'm just wanting to encourage you! I haven't been through your situation but I know of a number of my family members that have. My grandmother was an alcoholic for over 50 years. It brought her so much embarrassment, destroyed her marriage and all of her family relationships. But she started reading the Bible, praying and trusting that God would take care of her and she was totally freed of her alcoholism. She was very careful to never let herself be in a situation where she was tempted -- she even avoided most cold medicines (she had also been addicted to drugs). What a wonderful change her life was! It was a real testimony to me (I was a teenager at the time when she dedicated her life to Jesus.) to see the difference in her life.

I know you can overcome this addiction! I will be praying for you -- I'm adding your name to my prayer list now! -- and I'll be praying that God will bring you the help you need each day.

You are a wise person to see your problem and seek the help you need before it ruins your life and your family -- God bless you!

A.

errr.... get a hobby... That's what it seems like I'd say after reading your post. However, being raised in your situation (alcoholic father, divorce) I understand somewhat what you are going through. I'm watching my youngest sister follow the same path as my father and it is scary b/c the only person that can make any changes is her, and you. I guess being the oldest I was witness to "episodes" in our house and recall them better than my younger siblings, so I feel like I am always acutely aware of my alcohol intake, which is only a few drinks every couple of months, maybe a little more during summer fun or the Holidays. I haven't been an alcoholic, but I do believe it is an inherited disease, and I believe the numbers are something like 1 in 3 children of one becomes one. My Dad lost his entire family, his very good job, became shunned by friends, etc. etc. etc. (all the horrible things that happen to these people) and to this day he still starts his days with alcohol and ends them the same. My sister tells of how she says to herself the entire drive home that she will not stop for alcohol before she gets home and then like some magic power has taken over her she finds herself standing in line buying a bottle of wine to take home. SO... with all of that being said, I know that the first step is admitting that you have a problem, surrounding yourself with situations that don't temp you, beleive that you can get through days, events, moments, etc. without alcohol and be aware that it is a disease and needs to be managed just like any other disease. If you are truely wanting a change, talk to your husband, your friends, the people that come to dinner and tell them that you have an issue with alcohol an dthat you do not drink and woudl appreciate them doing the same in your presence. FRIENDS will do this for you. Eventually you will get to where you can be arouond drinkers without drinking yourself. Just like smokers do when they've quit. To me, if you honestly feel that you have a problem, you simply can't do it ever, period. Anyway, good luck. Hopefully the responses you get here serve to be inspiration for you, but you know that you are the only one that can solve your problem, and like you metioned, do it for your children, they deserve the Mom you wanted to be when you started out, and be sure to educate them about alcoholism as they grow. Just b.c your Mom divorced your Dad doesn't mean the disease left your family.

Dear A.,

The best advice I can give you is to go find someone who needs help and help them...by doing so, you will have purpose, you will be needed.
Stay motivated
Not so much thinking what it would be like to lose your family or your daughter or son being ashamed of you, if this works to motivate you - maybe for awhile but then depresses you.
Better yet spend a lot of time thinking of how you want your life to be - see it, feel it, and keep seeing it in your mind every day.

Energy follows thought and what you think is what you become. So keep thinking good thoughts, productive thoughts.

I have not dealt with alcoholism but have had to deal with deep depression and total disability...but I have my sanity and my health back and feel better than I did 30 years ago.

a little about me:I am a health and wellness advisor for the last 16 years. Decided to help guide other peole in making healthier choices after regaining my own health. I have 2 sons who have children of their own now.

One thing I do know is that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle with His help and becasue of this challenge you are facing right now - you will become a stronger person and a better mother, sister and friend.
God will provide everything you need - all you need to do is ask and then trust in Him to show you the way.

Sincerely, Someone who cares - call/email me any time,
S. Riemann ###-###-#### ____@____.com

You might want to check out:
www.thebridgesnetwork.com

It is an online recovery program, which was started, in-part, by my father-in-law who has had a life long battle with alcoholism.

A.,
God bless you for reaching out. Give yourself a little credit!!! You have gotten through one of the hardest parts.....admitting that you need help. Being a mother is VERY hard, and as women, we are very critical of ourselves. I would be willing to bet that most of us search daily for a release that we justify with excuses as you have admitted (mine is food - I use a lot of excuses to justify eating what I shouldn't and I have 30 extra pounds to prove it!) That has created MAJOR insecurities and issues with me and my hubby that we get to work on together. Back to you...I have a very close cousin who struggles with alcoholism (much more severe than what you are describing) and I hate to tell you that the only way he can get through each day is to go to meetings. He explains that it provides comfort to be surrounded by those with similar struggles and similar goals. Either way, I am so proud of you for catching it early enough....while your kids are young and you don't miss out on their most precious moments. I can tell you are a strong woman and a wonderful mother, so, I know you can do this....if you can stay married for 9 years and have 2 kids...you can do this!!!! Please forgive yourself and find the strength to give to yourself by getting help. Good Luck!!!!

Oh A., what courage you have for seeking help for this situation so openly.
Where are you located? There is a church by my house (Arnold, MO - just south of St. Louis) that has a sign for "Addictions Program." It seems like it would be more helpful than AA from what I have read in their ads in the paper.
Depending on how badly & at what financial cost you are able to spend, there are "day programs" through couseling centers (one is/used to be off of Gravois in St. Louis County). There is also this place called Hippocrates Health Institute in West Palm Beach Florida that may be able to help. They have a "Life Change Program" http://www.hippocratesinst.org/ that I would love to go to myself for different reasons.
My prayers are with you.
Jess

Dear A.,
I do not have experience with this, but I just wanted to encourage you. You are taking the first steps. You are recognizing the problem. That is good. Just keep going to the AA meetings and find as much support as you can. I believe you can do it!
R.

A.,
I Want to start by telling you how proud of you I am. you have taken the first step by asking for help. That is so awesome. I also have depression and I know how hard that is. You can do it. Our Church has a group to help people. you do not have to be a member to join the group. we work with bridgeway for women and man. and so many now come regularly and are clean from drugs and drinking. I don't know how you feel about Church or God. but all you have to do is ask him to help you. you can talk to him just like you are talking to anyone else. does not have to be some long and fancy prayer. if you would like to check our program out it is at First Assembly of God in ST Peters Mo
###-###-####. you don't have to a member to come. I will say a prayer for you. I know that you can do this.
Best wishes. please let me know how you are doing.

If you are seriously looking for help, I can recommend the Addiction Recovery program through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You do not have to be a member of the church to participate and it is completely free. I have had a couple of friends who have used the program and love it. It covers all types of addiction, not just alcohol. There is a link on this website to find the closest support group to where you are and to find out more info.
http://www.providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,66...
Please let me know if you have any questions.

Hi A.,

Good for you that you realize there is an issue! That is always the most important step...now find a support system and stay with it!

I grew up knowing my father was an alcoholic and so was his father and all 5 of his brothers. Mom divorced him when I was 5 but - the knowledge was still there.

I believe alcoholism can be inherited! In my family - I have a brother and sister that are down and dirty alcoholics even tho we were not raised by our father and we might have seen him 3 times growing up. I also have 3 nephews and a niece that are alcoholics.

For me seeing my siblings drink was enough for me not to, and quite frankly it scares me for my children as well.

When I was a teenager I did attend Alateen to try and make sense of all of it. I think the thing that helped the most was being around people that were in the same situation and could relate. Unless you are a VERY strong willed person you will need that support system. Also people that suffer from depression seem to self medicate with drugs or alcohol - which makes it even worse.

If I were you in addition to going to AA and maybe getting some individual counseling I would also see my Dr. to see about treating the depression as well.

Good luck and hang in there! It sounds as tho you have a great family and your husband sounds like he would be a wonderful support for you as well.

N.

I really wish I could help you. I have not been in your shoes I have been in your kids shoes. My mom became an alcohol pretty much the same way you did. She was a stay at home mom and then went into the work world when we got older. She always had dinner on the table and always a clean house. But she would always have wine at night. Then she knew it was becoming a problem so she started hiding it. And then it just spiraled from there. If you are at the point where you are looking for help that is good. I just encourage you to keep going. Keep looking for that help. It takes a lot of strength to admit you have a problem

Hi,
Have you spoken to your doctor about this? AA is a fantastic place, but doctors also know other resources that might appeal more to your mindset or lifestyle. Good luck-- it takes a strong person to recognize when it's time to get help. You're on the right path!
A.

As others have responded, I applaud you for recognizing and admitting your situation. Stick with AA, but as another mentioned, consult your physician for additional support. Also, how about getting out of the house a little? I know you have small children, but maybe volunteering/working at a daycare so they could be with you but you could have some outside interaction. I am a FT working mom. I recognize that there is no way I could stay home all day...I crave mental stimulation. Maybe being around other adults (and caretaking of children) could get you out of your world. An alchoholic's world becomes smaller & smaller so they don't have to get criticism for their actions. Also, what about seeing a therapist? Many specialize in addition/recovery. It might be good for you to speak with someone who is unbiased and can recommend some positive actions for your to take. You don't want your childrens' memory of you to be that "mom was a drunk". Stay strong, and remember, you are the only one who can keep your ship afloat.

A.,

First, I want to tell you how VERY PROUD I am of you for recognizing that you may have a problem with alcohol!!! That is a HUGE step!!!! I grew up with an alcoholic father, and the damage (even though I have healed from it and it took a lot of work!) stays with you a lifetime, so I am very proud that you recognize it and do not want to see your children or husband to go through it or you for that matter! You said that you went to some AA meetings, as far as I'm concerned the 12 steps programs are the best thing out there that you can do! I have a couple of brothers that are alcoholics also. One went to AA meetings and one went to a 12 step program through his church, so I know that they work! So that is what I strongly suggest you do! I will keep you in my prayers and wish you and your family the very best that life can offer! God Bless You!! ~J.

hello my name is chris i used to drink alot i got engaged to my now husband in 98 he didnt drink so i stopped thank god because i got pregnant with my daughter a few months later and till this day i want to drink but i ask myself what means more to me that drink or my children and my husband my family comes first i had my son in 2000 they are great when im offered a beer that is what i ask myself honey there nothing to be ashamed of for getting help my kids know i used to drink and why i quit you have to believe you and your family are worth more than wine i have never looked at it as a disease it is a choice for me i choose not to let my kids have an alcoholic for a parent i thank good everyday he helped me to quit you have to believe in yourself and your family quit making excuses keep working the program my addiction that took the place of drinking was eating i faced the problem now i attend weight watchers weekly it is a daily battle but if you set your mind to something you can do it i know you can god bless you and your family take care of yourself it will get easier to say no just keep trying dont give up dont let it win your kids need you your husband needs you more than you need that bottle

My sister has, it's been terrible for her. She has lost her husband, and her children now. She still stuggles with it. YOu have very much to be concerned about. You have to keep trying. I wish I knew what worked. You mentioned your father was an alcoholic, which puts you at a great disadvanage genically, however, you need to tell yourself that your are not doomed b/c of him, you are not him. You need to tell yourself that you are responible for your own actions, don't use him as another excuse. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I wish you good luck on this diffcult stuggle. I too come from a colorful background with my father and with a mother that was all about hell & jazebel. So, it was all very confusing to me. I was taught how to pray and feel gulity about everything, and how to hot-wire a car! Not that I ever did that one, but I was a handful still yet. LOL

A.,

I'm a little surprised reading some of the responses and that's why I am writing. Yes, you SHOULD be proud for admitting you have a problem. But that's just a first step. And, obviously, your ultimate goal is to be able to stop drinking. You wouldn't be writing and asking for help if you didn't need it.

Reading between the lines of your letter I am thinking AA has not been enough help. I know what that is like. I have struggled with another type of addiction. There are times, like it or not, when you have to give up control and trust others.

I believe you should research and find a good in-patient treatment center. I know that sounds extreme. But your kids will be better off in life "losing" you for a month or so and getting back a healthy, alcohol-free mommy to grow up with.

Think about it. I did. I dropped my life at one point and checked into a treament facility. It's hard but it can change your life and put it on the course you dream of for your family.

Church and AA meetings are great follow-up treatment after you're out.

I wish all the best for you.

A.. I felt compelled to write to you. Although I'm not an alcoholic, I too am from an alcoholic home and know that the disease can cycle if we don't determine to stop it, here and now, for the sake of your children and most of all YOU!! You can't do it alone, though. You need help so I would urge you to contact someone...someone with many years sobriety in your AA group and get a sponsor. It's possible you may need some treatment for detox and to get that first month. You've admitted you have a problem and I'm sure your husband wants help for you too. I pray that you get help and will keep you and your family in my prayers. Do you have a church home...somewhere to get support for this? Feel free to contact me A..

Hi A.! I just saw your request. I'm sure you have had many responses which I haven't read yet, so forgive me if I repeat some things.
It is amazing that you are reaching out. Alcoholism is a very difficult disease to come to terms with. I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for almost 4 years. Alcoholism isn't something that goes away but it is something that we can recover from. We can recover from the obsession to drink. As an alcoholic I cannot have any alcohol because it will set of the disease full force so complete abstinance is a must. I go to 12 step meeting to help me live a new kind of life. Please e-mail if you would like to know more: ____@____.com. I wish you much luck! It's not the end of the world, just the end of the pain that alcoholism creates.

A., my advice is to get to as many AA meeting as possible. Also discuss this with your husband so he can help you as much as possible. My husband and I both have alcoholism in our families so we have both chosen just not to drink. (He has not had a sip in 15 years-I occasionally will have a glass of wine) I would also suggest not having any alcohol in the house while you are getting off of it. I will pray for you because it is a disease. You have taken a remarkable step to bring this out to people you can trust. Remember to take one day at a time and avoid going to places where alcohol might be served. If you get the temptation look at your children and your wanting to be there for them throughout their life help keep you sober.

Good Luck!!

A....first of all, you need to be proud of yourself, you have done the hardest part! You have admitted you have a problem...that is a BIG step Many people live in denial. Your kids are young! That can be stressful...I think you need to find other healthy ways to unwind and relax. In those early years as a mom one of the hardest things to do is find You time. I think you need to do some soul searching for things that make YOU happy...and you will need support. Some people have to get to a point where they give up alcohol all together, I don't know how bad your addiction is, to some people a glass of wine in the evening to unwind is no big deal, but if you think you have a problem then you are right to take steps to address it. I have always thought AA was a great program, my father is an alcoholic, I grew up with alcoholism and I found a lot of comfort from Al-Anon. My sister and I have lived our lives in fear we could fall into those foot steps, I rarely drink, she has a stressful life and I know she has "rules" for drinking, I was always told if you have to have "rules" you are an alcoholic, but she is a successful mom and she keeps her "rules" and I do not see how it hurts any one
( they don't have to live her life!) I think only you know if you have a problem...I say you should talk to your husband, see what his feelings are, find a good support network, church? But you should not hang your head in shame, I think you are on the right track and I think you will be over whelmed by the support you can find. Good luck to you and I hope you get many positive responses so you know you are not alone. ((((hugs)))) B.

speaking of 12 steps, you're hitting #1 already, admitting you have a problem. I suggest consulting both an addiction counselor and a psychiatrist to evaluate your dependence. An out patient counseling program might be appropriate, whereas an inpatient program might be needed. Usually, those programs are only 3-4 weeks. But, either way--if you're ready to stop, you need to be willing to do it--at any cost. Since your kids are young, you can tell them you're going for R&R--later on, if they ask, be honest. But--I wouldn't be parading it around right now...they are still young.
I'm PROUD you've asked for help. I think inpatient is easier (I ran a program for a LONG time with teen girls), because you learn coping skills faster and you realize you're NOT alone--and recovery is so personal, beginning away from family is (in my opinion) a better option. But, do whatever works for you--just start. TODAY is a new day! And remember, there's a difference between "clean" and "sober"...and, doesn't matter who your family is, your socioeconomic status, etc. Addiction is a disease (I'm sure you've heard this) and can be treated...the only kicker is, you're the medicine. Even if you don't feel like you're benefitting from AA, try to consistently go and get a sponsor squared away. I know many people who turned to detox then cognitive behavioral therapy to combat alcoholism because 12 steps wasn't working for them. Everyone is different. Congrats on your brave acceptance of your issues and the courage you have to face it.
* having grown up with affluent alcoholic parents, I will say the memories of my mom passing out on the couch, slurring speach after 8pm and my dad on the porch requesting us to prep him a corona and lime (at least 8 times over the evening)...wasn't much FUN to grow up in...to say the least. Stop the cycle now!