19 answers

Help!! How Do I Handle This?

I will start off by saying I just found out my 17 year old son and his 15 year old girlfriend are having a baby. My son lives with his dad. I found out several months ago that my exhusband let our son's girlfriend spend the night at the house. When I found out about it from our daughter who lives with me, I called him and asked him how he could be so stupid. He told me that I was just being paranoid and that the kids all sleep in separate rooms. I told him what if she got pregnant and he told me that I was just nagging him and that it would not happen. Then one day I receive an annoymous call letting me that she is pregnant. I called my ex and broke to news to him. I just had to rub it on his face. I know there is nothing I can do. What happened, "happened". I can not change anything or turn time back. My son is just 2 weeks from graduating from high school. Her mother is extremely excited and can't wait for the baby to be born. My daughter is the same age and I do not know what I would do if it had been her. How do you deal with this, how do you handle this? I am sooo confused. Her mother told me she will raise the child until her daughter finished school. All I can do is pray about it.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

You can't undo it. If they are determined to have the baby, then all you can do is decide whether or not you will be a loving granny to the baby, or resent it.

4 moms found this helpful

More Answers

First take a deep breath. Second pray. Third, realize that even though you don't agree with the fact that your ex allowed this couple to have free reign in the hosue, they may still have gotten pregnant without that opportunity. Sure it made it a lot easier and I do agree with you - but it's all water under the bridge now.

You love your son. You will love this grandchild in a way you can't imagine. Get to know the girlfirend and be kind & caring to her - she's is the gatekeeper to your grandchild and the one who'll do most of the child-rearing - whether or not this young couple stays together.

Encourage yor son to take responsibility. That's what a grown up adult person does. He can go to school, work and be a dad all at the same time. It's been done hundreds of thousands of times over the centuries. It won't be easy - but he'll be a more mature man becuase of it.

Encourage the couple's relationship. Hopefully they wil continue to love eachother and mature together - that is what's best for the child. Hopefully they will have a future together - it's your job to help nurture that and help them both become young adults. It's only been in the last 50-75 years that marriage has been delayed into our 20's and older. For all of civilization before that time couples had gotten married and begun thier families before age 20.

I'm now in my early 50's. I have firends and business associates who started their marriage this way - Ooops! But now at my age their youngest kids are done with high school or college, they're seeing their kids get married and have babies, they're enjoying their "empty nest" life together while they're still young enough to enjoy it. I, on the other hand still have kids in middle school and high school!!!

God has way of taking a not-good situation and making it into a good thing and a blessing. Do what you can to encourage these youngsters to grow up and take responsibility the best you can. You should probably call the girl's mom and chat, see where she is mentally / emotionally. Maybe schedule a lunch or dinner at your house with the young couple. No accusations, no recriminations. Let's jsut see what the young couple have planned (and exploratory meeting so to speak) and see how you as parents can help them become responsible young adults / parents.

No, it's not ideal - but they chose life and that's a good thing. Choose to focus on the positive things about this and forgive the stuff that doesn't meet withyour expectations. God shows us all lots of grace - so we need to spread it around.

Good luck mama - I know you'll handle this well.

9 moms found this helpful

You can't undo it. If they are determined to have the baby, then all you can do is decide whether or not you will be a loving granny to the baby, or resent it.

4 moms found this helpful

If teenagers want to have sex they will do it anywhere not just in bed at night during a sleepover. You should just love this baby. With two teen parents he/she is going to need it. I think the other mother should let her daughter take care of the baby though. Responsibility for their actions and all. She may or not be responsible though and children are very important. I was 15 when my neice was born and basically took care of her as my sister was too worried about what her boyfriend was doing(babys father). I got up in the middle of the night picked her up from daycare on my way home from school(it was one block away from the highschool so I walked her home in a stroller then drove her when I got my car) did all the things a mother does except buy her clothes and formula and give birth. She called me Mommy Aunt Melanie for years. I was a responsible 15yo though and knew this baby needed love. You should have a talk with the other mother and the kids and make sure they realize the baby is thiers and not the other mothers. My niece has no bond with my sister and she(my niece) resents her(my sis) and hates being with her and I think it stems from the fact that my sister was not interested in her as a baby. I also find it odd that this mother is EXCITED that her 15yo is prego. I got pregnant at 21 and my now husband was 20 and my MIL was very upset and felt we were too young and thought for some reason she would be raising the baby and kept telling us she wouldn't...she didn't REALLY know me back then and would fight me for control over my baby because he was my world and she had no say whatsoever! Good luck...be the best grandma you can this baby didn't choose to be born this way so just love him/her with all your heart

4 moms found this helpful

I agree with Meredith.
Unfortunately, in today's teen world, having a baby is very accepted and almost glorified to some degree in some circles. It is "nothing" for an unwed young woman (usually just out of high school or a year or two older) to become pregnant and have the baby, keep it, and live with mom/dad to raise it. And continue dating a long list of temporary monogamous relationships while the grandmom babysits--or drag the little one out WITH them. And have a huge baby shower with all their friends (who are single and bring their own babies with them) to celebrate the pending birth.

In my opinion, adoption is by FAR the best choice for a couple in the situation your son is in. But, again, as Meredith said, since your child is the father and not the one carrying the baby, there isn't much you can do to influence their thoughts about this, except pray. Maybe talk to your son and see if he has any influence with his girlfriend. This young woman's mother is "excited"? That is the "glorification" I was referring to. Maybe I should have left that part for another post.


3 moms found this helpful

At this point, I think the best way to handle it is to start preparing your son for the responsibilities of parenthood. While I don't agree with your ex's decision to let her sleep at the house, two teens looking to have sex will find a place. This isn't really a time to place blame; it sounds like the kids both needed more guidance on the ramifications and responsibilities of having sexual relations which could have come from any of 4 parents, but as you said what's done is done. The girl's parents "happiness" might be their way of supporting their daughter. They probably would prefer this was coming at a different time and in a different way, too. I wouldn't judge them too harshly. As parents of the girl in this teenage pregnancy, they will be going through a lot of health concerns and worries and expenses with the delivery. I would pray for acceptance and the strength to support your son in being a responsible parent, support the young teen girl who is now faced with pregnancy and childbirth at such a young age and pulling together with the other parents (grandparents) on trying to create the best circumstances possible (while still promoting their own responsibility and accountability) for these two young people and the baby.

3 moms found this helpful

I agree with many, in that you need to support your son to do the best he can. I, however, strongly disagree with one of the other ladies who suggested that any plans he has for college are out the window. If he did have plans, it is in everyone's best interest to try to encourage him to continue with his education in order to truly provide the best life he can for everyone involved. What that looks like, well, working and college and living at home and having no life. Sounds like the best thing you can do at this point is work with your son to know his rights, make a good plan, and be truly educated. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

I am a mother and I also have a daughter. Luckily she is only four so I have years before I have to "deal" with this. Honestly, there is so much of me that would advise my daughter to end the pregnancy if she was 15 . . . we as mothers know your life changes when you have kids. Being 15, well, your life stops or changes beyond your wildest dreams. Now again, my daughter is four and I might feel differently in 10 years but this is how I feel now. Fifteen year olds, again in my opinion, are not mature enough to handle this situation. There are so many areas of concern . . . can they afford the baby? Will they finish high school? Go to college? Who will watch the baby when they are in school or at work? Everyone involved needs to talk about this especially if they move forward with having the baby. Are all the parents of the teenagers willing to support them financially, emotionally and so on. This is a HUGE and they really need to wiegh their options and do what is best for them and of course the baby. Good luck to you.

3 moms found this helpful

I think, first of all, you need to speak with both of your children about the situation. This is a good time to talk to your daughter about sex (again), waiting until you are emotionally mature and find the right guy before you begin, and birth control. Use this to create an open dialog between the two of you. I believe that knowledge is power. You can also use your son's and his pregnant girlfriend's experience to talk about how difficult being a teenage parent can be.

You also need to speak with your son and talk to him about what his plans are for taking care of his pregnant girlfriend and child once he/she is born. It would be nice if he could continue his education (a high school education is not enough now days to build a career on and make enough money to raise a family) but he is going to have to work to make some money to help support his child. He also should plan on taking some baby care and parenting classes before the baby arrives so that he will be ready to be a hands-on dad.

Other than this, I don't think there is much else you can really do. As you wisely pointed out, what's done is done. Now it's just a matter of making sure that your son has an action plan and knows how he is going to juggle all of his responsibilities and what he needs to do to develop a career. It's also time to talk to you daughter about sex, abstinance, birth control and teen pregnancy.

As a little side note, it wasn't smart for your ex to allow the girlfriend to sleep over but chances are your son and his girlfriend were finding ways to be sexually active anyway, with or without the sleepover.

2 moms found this helpful

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