Grieving - Jacksonville,FL

I found a local grief support group that helped me a lot. You can ask the mortuary for a referral, or sometimes the chaplain or hospital social worker or hospice will know of them. I have had several losses, Dad, M. and newborn son within two week sof each other, nephew, grandparents, etc. Each loss is different, and remember that the closer the relationship, the more intense the grief. It never goes away, but it does get easier. I remember a lot of guilt, depression, anger, smiles at sweet memories, and I also had to learn that not everyone grieves in the same way.

Hi- I lost my Dad VERY suddenly nearly 10 years ago. He took my husband, 8 month old daughter and I to the airport for a vacation and when we returned my M. and brother were waiting for us with the news he had died instantly from a massive heart attack. I know for me the sudden loss was more than I could process immediately. The mind saves you from taking it in all at once because it's just too painful. That numbness is a form of protection and eventually you'll deal with the emotions as you are ready. It takes a long time. It was many months before I could really look back with love and fondness without feeling litrally sick to my stomach at the idea of his death. Very slowly day by day the feelings of love and sweet memories start ot overpower the feelings of loss and grief. I do not think there is anyway to speed up this process or make it easier, each of us has their own timeline. The things that kept me going and moving forward were the things I treasure in life. At 8 months my daughter was a huge "distraction" and focus of energy, my husband, home, nature and music were all things I treasure and those were the things that kept me focused on the real world and not slipping into misery. I still cry sometimes because I miss him so much and so badly want my children to have really known him but it is nothing like that raw pain of the first year. My family now lives in the house I grew up in, a beautiful house my Dad bought when I was a baby. My husband and I built a house for my M. next door and I know my Father is here with us in spirit, we feel him all the time. Just like everyone says, it takes time, don't push yourself to "deal with it" if your not ready. Trust that your soul knows how much you can take each day. One day in the future you'll realize that it doesn't hurt quite so bad as it did yesterday and that feeling will slowly grow until it doesn't hurt to think about anymore. You'll never stop missing him but it will not be that overwhelming pain you feel now. I am so sorry for your loss, I'll be thinking of your post and also thinking of my Dad. Thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack 9 years ago and I still miss him terribly. I think what helped me through a lot of my grief was really acknowleding how lucky I was to have my dad. Instead of feeling robbed by losing my dad so young, I focused on really appreciating that I was lucky to have him at all in my life. Since losing him I really took a deep, serious look at my life and reevaluated my priorities. I find peace in knowing that he would be proud of me. The first months are really tough, but I liked looking through his pictures and talking to relatives about him and hearing fun stories from friends and co workers. I went on a trip to his favorite vacation spot and just really marveled at the beauty of the place he loved so much.
As far as sleep- I didn't sleep well for a while either. If you feel comfortable taking a sleeping medication like ambien call your doctor. Being up all night crying doesn't do much to help you feel stronger.
Take Care.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
It's so hard to know where to put your feelings.
I had two dads. One biological and one step-dad.
I lost them both within a year and a half of each other.
It's easy to tell myself how lucky I am to have had two wonderful men who loved me, but it still hurts. It will only be two years for my biological daddy in September.
On Wednesdays and Sundays, I always catch myself thinking, "I need to call my Dad."
I don't think we ever get over missing them. That's not to say that you will ache as badly as you do right now, every day, forever.
It's so hard to wrap your head around things this soon after a loss.
There are support groups. There is grief counselling. The funeral home should have a list of resources for things like that.
There is information on the 7 stages of grief. It can really help you understand that what you are feeling is normal even though we all grieve in our own ways.
For me, talking about the person I've lost really helps. Remembering the good things, the wonderful things, the funny stories.
You know, just before my step dad died unexpectedly, he called me one night just to tell me how much he'd always loved me and how proud of me he'd always been. That he couldn't have asked for a better daughter. He said he just really felt he needed to let me know because maybe he'd never told me that enough.
I'm so thankful for his words.
My father got cancer and as strange as it sounds, we were never closer. We talked about everything. We laughed. We cried. We wrote to each other.
I have his words.
They ring in my ears.

It's really hard to think of it when things are so raw, but I truly believe that we keep people alive in our memories and in that way, they are never really gone from us.
They are here with us all the time. Everytime I dream about my loved ones, I tell myself it's their way of visiting me.
I just dreamt that my father and I went to see a movie together. I am a vivid dreamer. It was so real. It was hard to wake up and realize it was just a dream, but I was thankful for that dream none the less.
As the days go by, you will be more comfortable being thankful for the time you had as opposed to feeling your loss.
When my grandfather died, I did not handle it well at all. I was a complete wreck. But, one day, I was driving and a revelation appeared to me.
My grandfather loved me so much. He would never have done anything to hurt me. He couldn't help passing away. Him being in heaven and seeing me fall apart was surely breaking his heart. I remember thinking, "He never made me cry in his life. He wouldn't want me crying now."
I'm human. I still miss him and cry for him sometimes. But I prefer to tell my children how wonderful he was and the stories of how we spent summers with him and how he'd put Old Spice on my mosquito bites for the itching or all the hours he spent putting calomine lotion on me for poison oak
Memories are wonderful things to hold on to. I think that when I pass away, I hope that's what people do for me. Remember. Not with pain, but with the joy of my blunt sense of humor and how I always cared about friends and people I loved.
The greatest thing we leave is a legacy and it takes some time to see it that way.

It does take time.
Reach out for resources in your area. Share your stories with others.
Heck, send me stories of your dad that you want to share. There are people who understand and will listen.
Don't try to put a date on when you will be over it. There will come a day when you reach acceptance, but the two are not the same thing.

Here is a link that might be able to help you.
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Like I said, these things take time.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

It sounds so cliche, but it's true sometimes.....
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Give yourself time to grieve and to mourn.
Know that it will take a while to feel "normal" again.

I'm so sorry. It's never easy.....You don't say how old your kids are, but if they are old enough, they will grieve as well, so watch them.

As for getting over it.....wow, I don't think you ever do. I talk to my parents.....in my head, and sometimes out loud.........it makes me feel better and I think they can still be around at times.........in spirit......I don't know what your beliefs are, but that is mine.

If you read, get some books......on after life, grieving, etc......that helped me......joining a group is a good idea as well. Talking to others in your same situation will help.

If you are crafty, why not make a scrapbook, maybe one for each of your family for Christmas. This will walk you through the times, help you cry, and remember the great times...........it's very therapeutic. Be sure to make one for you too...........

Talk about him, remember him, and remember the that he loved you. Also remember, that he is now in a better place.......spiritually he's fine.

You'll find ways, and there will still be times that you will pick up the phone to call, and then slowly sit the phone down.........but it will get better.

Try to remember his Grandchildren need you......and that he is part of them as well.........don't let this destroy your life, he wouldn't want that.......

Take care of yourself, and good luck.

As for sleeping, try Advil PM.........they work pretty good.....just try not to take them every single night. Besides, would your Dad want you to be this way?

Tylenol PM, but not too many nights in a row. I tried to go with every other night and no more than 3 nights a week. By the end of three or four weeks I didn't need it any more. If you need more you should talk to your Dr. Not sleeping is common.

My Dad died in March of this year. It stinks. He was my best friend, and I really miss talking to him. Father's Dad just .... well it was bad.

I have days when I start to feel "normal" but I am 4 months out. Also we knew he was sick. He battled cancer for two years. They said he wouldn't live more than 6 months. He showed them.

Numb is normal. Forgetfulness is normal. Lost is normal. It stinks but it is all normal. Find a way to cry. I stayed up late one night when I couldn't sleep and watched movies my Dad liked. I also watched "Father of the Bride" and cried and cried. I thaught I was going to throw up I cried so hard, but it helped. I had a bad sinus headach the next day. :-) but getting it out actually helps. Holding it in doesn't.

They say to give yourself a year until your make major decisions. For resources contact your local hospice. They have great info on grieving.

Also some of my siblings and my M. helped. We were all going throught the same thing. However, not all of my sibling are in touch with their emotions so that didn't help.

Talk and cry as you need to. Let yourself feel the pain, so you can heal.

You will feel like you are doing crazy but you aren't.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my father suddenly 12 years ago and I used just the same words as you - I felt like a rug has been pulled from beneath me... We had a great relationship. I'm still not "over" it, but I've learned to live with it.

I find comfort in the fact that I have my own personal guardian angel. When I sent my daughter to camp, I was so worried about her, so I said "Dad, keep an eye on her for me - give her strenghth when she needs it!" Sure, I still have tearful moments when I look at my youngest (he never met him) and think "my dad would have gotten a kick out of that" and sometimes, I just plain miss him.

Honestly, I don't think you have to "deal" with it. Just move forward in your life as best you can, and one day, you will discover that you can talk about him without crying. You can remember moments about him and start laughing. It may take time, but it will come.

Until then, go get a bottle of Advil PM and use it. Grief is physically exhausting and it's even harder with two kids. You need sleep. You need to eat even if you don't feel like it. Try your best to take care of yourself and your children.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Take your time.

Sorry for your loss, I lost my M. in 2003 to a drunk driver and I know exactly what your feeling... It took me a good 3 yrs to realize there was nothing I could do to bring her back and come to terms with it.It will be 8 yrs in Oct that she has been gone it still hurts, I miss her like crazy everyday if i feel down I try to do something she liked and it makes me feel better. The memories are fresh in my head and painful I did have to seek theraphy because after a while people will shut you down and don't want to hear your feelings anymore they don't know how hard it is to move on. I feel the day I lost my M. I lost my dad also because he did not take long to move on. But again theraphy will help it is a place for you to talk and express your feelings without being hurt or judged...

The Bible.

This is what God intended for us, put your heart is His hands. Mourn your father but make sure you turn your attention to your children in this time of grief. Nothing makes the cycle of life seem more natural than watching children learn and grow.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You will feel "normal" again but it will be a "new normal" and only time can make this happen; the time is different for each person. I lost my brother and father to suicide within months of each other, it has just been over 4 years. I never thought I would be able to focus, eat, sleep, laugh but I do all of those things now but again it takes time. You will notice that people want you to get back to normal as quick as possible because it makes them feel uncomfortable when you are in the grieving process, but take all the time you need. Things that helped me included exercise, once you can get out of bed, support groups and therapy. Grieving is a process, there are also some great books available at the library. Be patient with yourself and go through it, there will be waves of grief. You will think you are okay and then you will see a picture or hear a song that takes you back, it is okay to cry and have a meltdown, this is normal. Peace will come eventually...

i think the you are making steps to healing just by posting this. you realize that you are still hurting and some ppl can't so that. remember the good times that you had with your father! and the good parent that he was (obvious because you are in much pain). i know some ppl who could care less that a parent or relative died for numerous reasons so he must have been a good person! and use those memories and apply them to the person/parent theat he was so that your children will be able to look back on your with fond memories. the pain will never go away because your father was someone you loved and miss. but but when you are feeling sad talk to him, hug your kids, take a walk. do something for yourself. and each day will get better. good luck and you are in my prayers!

I am so sorry for your loss.
Eat very well- eating sugar and junk makes it worse. Very important to take care of yourself.
When my husband was killed- I was blessed by the human kindness of friend's and strangers. And I would say- let them. And then be kind to yourself- if you don't feel like doing something- don't, and be ok with that.
Honestly it was 1&1/2- T. years before I realized I'd been in a fog and started coming out of it. Not sure how I got thro that time, but sleep walked thro it. Just be ok with it.
best, k

Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my dad in 1994 (on July 1), and I still miss him and grieve. What has helped me is that I know that he would not want me moping around, as it won't bring him back. I cried my eyes out about 1 1/2 yrs after, as I tried to be strong through the funeral and all that. It hit me one day when I was away at university and I know he was so proud of me having gotten there (was doing MSc), and I felt so homesick and missing everyone....as I say, I still grieve, but am 'back to normal' and going on with his memory tucked away in a special lil part of my mind.
Hope this helps.

.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my M. three weeks before my daughter (her first grandchild) was born. I cried a lot. It has gotten better but I still cry and I am still bitter that she didn't get to live to see a grandchild. I found keeping busy with my daughter kept my mind off the pain and sadness but it doesn't go away - it just gradually gets easier and easier to cope. I will tell you that I couldn't imagine my life without her before but you find that you can still go on and be happy . . .

When my dad died I was in my freshman year of college and it happened on my sisters 21st birthday. So every anniversary of his death is bitter sweet. After my dad died I'd say a couple of months, I sat down and wrote everything I ever felt or wanted to say to him in a letter to him. It was a 30 page letter. It is sealed and in my memory box, but I felt a release knowing I said all I had wanted to say but wasn't able to before he passed. I am sorry for your loss.

I wrote down all of my happy memories of him. It's been four years for me, but I can still look back and it feels like I've taken a step into history. Remember all of the small details too, not just stories. For me, it was the sawdust that was always in his hair and the way he would lean up against the counter in the garage to take a break from the heat. Right now it seems impossible that you might forget some of the small detail, but you might. Plus, it's something you can share with your kids to keep your father's memory alive for them.
Keep that chin up - you will get through this difficult time. Sorry for your pain.

Hi Mother of 2-

I'm sorry to hear about your dad dying. Death is always tough. My grandparents died in the last few years all very close to each other, and that ripped me apart. There are still days I'll think 'I should call Grandma' and then I remember.

When it first happened, I thought about stories of the grandparent. I started writing them down so I wouldn't forget. It helped.

Also remember, I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to be sad, so try to remember things that made the two of you happy.

You may want to do something in your home for your dad. If he liked being outside, (my grandparents did), maybe buy a small fountain or something and have that as a Dad remembered area.

Good Luck, It doesn't go away, but it gets better.

R. Magby

Talk to your friends and family about him. You are going to be sad for a long time and your days will get better. It is OK to miss him, think about him, talk about him. Grieving for him in your own way takes time.
Try remembering some good times with him and say good night to him before you go to bed at night. Then if you have to cry do so and get the sleep you need to function. You can also contact a local church there many different support groups for people who have lost a loved one. Look around you there is plenty to keep you busy and allow to grieve for him and still live. I will keep you in thoughts
J.

First off I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my M. also on June 1st. She had been battling cancer for 3 1/2 years and towards the end we all knew it was coming to an end so it was expected but it is still very hard. She was still very young only 57 and I have four children and one brother who will also miss her tremendously. I focus my attention on my kids. My kids and my husband is what makes me move forward for them. Of course I have my good and bad days and it's normal but you can't dwell on it. You need to think of all the good times and those memories will keep you going as well. You need to be strong for your kids I'm sure they are missing him as well. Griving is ok but don't let it take over you cry when you need to but you need to break out of the numbness think of your kids and move forward. I know I will miss my M. everyday but I am ok with it because I know how much pain she was in here and know we all have an angel looking down on us taking care of all of us. You dad will always be with you.

First off let me start by saying that I am sorry for your loss. I have been down this same road of emotional devistation. It was quite trying for me. The first little bit was horrible. Trying to fall asleep was impossible. Truthfully as time goes on it will get better. Remember the good times, the special memories and know that he is with you everyday. Talk to him, he can hear you. My final piece is to pray. Ask for understanding, strength, guidance and whatever else it is you need to help you cope. I hope my words can help you find some peace. Take care....<3

So sorry to hear of your loss.I lost my dad 3 yrs ago, and I know how devistating it can be.Everyone grieves and heals so differently. By your questions it sounds as if you are alot like me. All I can say is time will ease your pain, but it will not happen over night. I cried and cried. Usually on myhome from work or in the shower when I was alone. Sleep was difficult, I had trouble falling asleep because all I could think about was how he was gone and what he and my girls would miss. All the words that once had brought me comfort in the loss of friends or other family members didn't seem to work when my dad passed. I was angry, angry he never met his second grandchild, angry God took him away just hours befor I could have been at his side.All the things you are feeling are normal.anger, despair and heart break all are normal. I promise you it will get easier. I miss my dad everyday, but don't cry very often. Usually now I smile when I think of him. Some things will make me sad, I still get a lump in my throat when I buy father's day card for the granddads, and my husband. And the anniversary of his death is never easy, it falls the week of both out birthdays. I don't think my birthday will ever be the same.You will have to take it one day at a time, give yourself time to heal.I found a web site that was part of the military group he belonged to. I spent hours reading and learning what his job was in the military. I even joined their chat room. There for some odd reason I found comfort. You too will find something that will bring you comfort. In the mean time look up your local Hospice group. They usually offer support groups for those that are grieving. They even have things for children if yours are older and having a hard time.Iknow I have rambled on and on. I hope somehow this helps. One day at a time, allow yourself to feel the things you feel they are normal. I hope this helps as you travel this difficult road. My heart goes out to you as I know how a painful this. Best of luck.

you have gotten some really amazing replies. I have to admit and say that i have read every one of them. this is going to be hard for me, so when you read this, know that this subject is still very touchy for me. 7 years ago i lost my best friend 30 days later (to the day) i lost my husband 3 months later i lost my brother. i went through a serious depression. i totally understand the feeling of being numb. everyday for the first couple of weeks i would lay at the cemetary and lay on my husbands plot. i wanted to be there with him. i wanted to die myself. i turned to alcohol. i drank from the time i woke up, to the time i passed out. i was only 19 years old!~!~!!!~ i couldnt handle the pain.
i have never gotten "over it". its been 7 years and today while i am reading your replies i am still crying.
Things that have helped me..................
1.getting off of the drugs and alcohol
2. driving in the car with my windows down listening to old songs that remind me of my husband, brother , and friend... and crying. (the people at the red lights always have a scared look on their face. lol :-) )
3. i would write them notes. i have placed these notes inside balloons and let them go. i have also placed these notes in that little hole under the vase on my late husbands headstone.

the pain will get better. some days will be worse than others. i LOVE the dreams. i wish i could have them everynight. makes me feel like they are still close.
i have to disagree with the others on the sleep issue. Tylenol PM can become addictive. i use... and still use everynight... melatonin. its a all natural herb thing. you can pick it up at any store with the vitamins. i use 5mg everynight. the thing i like about the melatonin, is, the next day you are not drozy. i highly recomend it. ALSO, Celestial Seasonings makes a tea called Sleepy Time Extra. Its also all natural and you can get it at any store. make a glass of that before bed and it also helps relax you. both are also REALLY CHEEP. i think i pay like 5$ for a bottle of 100 melatonin pills.
if you have any questions or would like to talk you can PM me. i am still greiving. but i think what my problem is, i still cant accept it. death is very hard for me.
i wish you luck! i hope you feel better soon.

I just have to say, It's going to be a lot harder if you don't believe that you will see him again. I have a strong belief that we will all be with our loved ones again, when we also pass on. I think that if you believe that you will see him again, you will feel a lot better. If you already believe that you will see him again, hold onto that and never forget it. I am very sorry and I hope you recover quickly.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my M. after a 3year 2month battle with Brain Cancer Oct 1t 2009 and im still struggling with it.
I went through the numbness and I still go through it now-- at times I also feel like I cant breath or Im going to have a panic attack.. and sometimes i cannot even cry. I write out my feelings.. I reached out to other people who were caregivers and lost someone to the same battle.. there are online support groups.. you can contact Hospice in your city to get support groups and there are always churches.. I tried Griefshare (you can google it)-- I dont really frequently go to Church but it was very helpful ~ I didnt finish all the sessions because my daughter had ballet the same nights of griefshare but it helped..
when im feeling numb or unable to cry (even though I want to) i listen to music.. Sometimes happy music ~ Other times music to help me cry
Here's a few songs that may help you:
Evanescense 'my immortal"
Pink "Who Knew"
Mariah Carey "one sweet day"
Eric clapton "tears in heaven"
3 Doors Down"here without you"
celine dion "goodbye" and i have plenty of spanish ones if you know spanish

Grieving is a process and everyone grieves differently. There is NO right way to grieve-- and there is no length of time that the grieving stops.. losing a parent is like losing a piece of your history..of your foundation...
Just take care of yourself--and try to focus on the good years..the good memories... it is perfectly natural to feel hopeless and helpless-- but that too shall pass..
read..write.. listen to music.. go outside and do something to keep yourself occupied..
Sending you Huge hugs and message me privately if you need a friend
Jenn

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother last year on my son's birthday. The first evening I took a long bath & cried in the tub while listening to music. I cried myself to sleep that night & didn't sleep soundly. Many 'what if's' went through my head & I coped by turning to my friends & pastor from church. I don't remember feeling much like myself until eight mos. or so after her death. Fortunately, I've had visitations of her when I'm dreaming. Look into Prayers by Letters through St. Matthew's churches & Radio Bible Ministries. They've helped me a great deal.

I am sorry and I know how you feel. I lost my Dad right after I turned 21. It was very sudden, he was in the hospital for having chest pains and had a massive heart attack and died while there. I went through all the emotions people talk about, pain, anger, depression, mostly feeling abandoned. I cried before going to sleep for three weeks. I think my son was what kept me going because he was one when it happened so I needed to be strong to be able to take care of him.

I thank God every day that I have my parents still. But my close friend lost her Dad and then a few years later her Dad. She really had a hard time but the best thing that helped her was us talking about all of the good times we had with them. Also I convinced her to take the pictures she had and make a M. and Dad memory book. She said this really helped her out a lot. I don't think you ever get over losing someone. I lost my brother two years ago and still have my crying days. We talked on the phone every day and then he was gone. I miss our talks so so much. But life does go on. Look at everyone you still have and put your focus on them. Your Dad would not want you to continue to go on this way. I know it's hard but you can do it. Find a good friend that you can talk to on a daily basis. That will help a lot. I had my brothers picture on the refrigerator for the past two years and said hi to him every morning. I finally took the picture down and put it away. I feel your pain. I hope this helped.