Mom Just Died at 65 - Santa Rosa,CA

Updated on July 24, 2014
C.P. asks from Santa Rosa, CA
41 answers

My mom just died at 65 years old unexpectedly of cancer. We didn't know she had cancer and either did she till the week she died. If you ever lost a parent what's the best way that you help deal with the hurt and loss? Its hard to be 32 with no mom. I have my own kids and I am so blessed to have had 32 good years with her. That's more than some people and I'm truly greatful. I have a wonderful dad who adored my mom till the moment she passed. What was the most helpful words and actions and memories of this time of acute loss that helped you and your family through?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

More Answers

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

ohhhh, sweetie. i'm SO sorry. i lost my little mumsie to cancer a year and a half ago. not quite as sudden as yours, but still very very hard to process.
i don't know that there were any words or actions that helped. just knowing people cared, i guess. people who were willing to talk about her and reminisce about her, not just slither uncomfortably around the subject (although i understand why they do and don't hold it against anyone.)
i'm so glad your dad is wonderful.
my thoughts are with you. such a hard, sad time.
:( khairete
S.

11 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.O.

answers from Dallas on

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom also passed suddenly, after an aneurysm ruptured (I was 25). I still remember how incredibly surreal and dreamlike it felt in the first month after she passed.

When my mom passed I got a lot of comfort from the book Motherless Daughters:
http://www.amazon.com/Motherless-Daughters-Legacy-Second-...

I also found help in a grief support group, offered by the hospice where she passed away. They have many grief support groups for recent widows/widowers and it can be extremely cathartic to be around people who understand on some level where you are emotionally. If you have the ability and he hasn't looked into that type of therapy for himself, maybe you could could direct your dad to a group like that.

When you feel like you are in a more reflective place, you can try to make a list of a few small traditions or memories that remind you of your mom that you would like to continue. Anything from recreating special dishes she would make at the holidays to planting her favorite flowers each year in a place in your garden. For me, having some tangible activities to celebrate my mom made the passing of holidays and seasons a little less difficult.

The only other piece of advice I can pass on is that grieving takes time and isn't a linear process, so be good to yourself and let yourself be as mad or sad or anything as you need to be.

9 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.M.

answers from Fresno on

I could not imagine...many prayers and blessings to you and your family sweetie and know that it is a transition to an eternal life.

In coping with any kind of grief, a strong spiritual foundation is especially helpful in making the transition to peaceful acceptance. This spiritual support is mirrored in such comforting Scriptures as Psalm 34:18a: "The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking."
(This is in one of my school texts that I found very helpful) Health and Wellness Honoring God in Body, Mind and Spirit.

Surround yourself with the people you love the most. Good luck honey!

8 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B..

answers from Dallas on

I'm so sorry. I was 38 when my dad died of Cancer. We knew of it for two months. He lost his voice the day we found out. I about did too.

I had two kids, 6&2. Nobody around me had lost a parent that early. I lived 600 miles away from family. My mom took it hard, too. She finished up the probate and just getting her life back to "normal", and then came and stayed with me for 6 mths. We helped each other and developed new norms.

One min I would be fine talking with old friends or relatives about him. The next, I was sitting in line to pick up my oldest. An acquaintance came over to chat and I burst out crying! You just don't know when grief will overtake your coping mechanisms. Don't be ashamed.

We took a day and looked through tons of old pictures and watched videos.

Hope you find peace.

8 moms found this helpful

M.D.

answers from Dallas on

Today marks 7 months since my dad passed away at 63. I miss him so much! He had COPD, we knew he had it. It was hard to see him suffering, my parents live mile away and I went over them pretty much every day. My husband took care of him for awhile when my mother was still working full time, then his last six months she worked from home. Sometimes he would be a little testy and selfish and my mom just took it. If I started to complain to my husband he would tell me one day he wouldn't be around let him have what he wants.
I held his hand when he took his last breath and praise God for taking him home so he wouldn't have to suffer. I know he's in a better place and no longer is suffering. My dad was a great man, he wasn't much for standing still, unless he was napping, but an outdoors man, and hard worker. The last year of his life he was pretty much chair bound and he hated it.
There are some good days and I still have some bad days like today. When you just miss them to pieces. You remember the wisdom he shared with me, the times he spent with me. You go through lots of pictures, well I do, my sister can't look at anything right now. My 40th birthday was exactly 2 months from when he passed and my mother gave me a pillow with a picture of him and me and I sleep with it. If you have anything with her voice, save it, old voice mails are great.
One thing you need to do for your dad and your husband needs to do for you is give HUGS! You dad is probably missing your mom's hugs so much, I know my mom does. I try to give her one every time I see her, the long ones. I spend a lot of time with my mom, we just got back from a family vacation. Family will mean much more to you, less fighting because time is precious and shouldn't be wasted.
It's hard at times, and then you may have a few easy days. You get jealous when you see someone getting to share time with their mother and you can't do that anymore. Hug your little ones and make the most for them, they need all their memories of you. That is what helps me the most.

Hugs going out to you, and praying for you and your family!

8 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.F.

answers from Salinas on

I am so sorry for your loss.

My Dad passed when I was 30 very suddenly and we lost my Mom three years ago to a rare form of cancer. It was 7 months from diagnosis to passing and we were able to care for her at home where she died.

Sudden death is a huge shock. As strange as it sounds, you may find yourself "forgetting" what happened. I was in a fog after my Dad's death and I credit my first born with keeping me focused on life. Babies have a way of needing you that was very comforting.

You will never really get over the loss of a parent. For me there is always something missing but I also realize that feeling their loss is a form of acknowledging what great parents they were.

This will be a long process with many stages. Keep your kids close, talk about your Mom with them and keep any traditions you had together alive. Don't hide your emotions but a good "private cry" once in a while is cathartic. I'm not sure how old your children are but again, my oldest was an incredible source of comfort to me while her Grandma was sick. I found my husband was great but wanted to fix it, my littlest didn't really get it and my friends were supportive but clueless. My first born and I grieved in a similar way and that was so good for both of us.

You'll find peace in little moments and then those moments will start to lengthen and one day you'll realize you went a whole hour without feeling the sadness. Keep on stringing those hours together and some day you'll feel comfort and happiness when you think of her, more than you feel pain and loss.

Again, I am really sorry. Be good to yourself and let others do for you when they offer. You are not alone.

8 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D..

answers from Miami on

I'm so very sorry. She was so young...

I lost my dad, with a week to process it. He had been sick, but I didn't know he would really die until the last week.

The way I got through it, eventually, was knowing what poor quality of life he would have had if he had lived. I have had people tell me that they would rather die than go through all the chemo and radiation from having cancer. One friend just plain stopped hers - she is still alive, so I guess she got enough. I'm glad she soldiered through it, but she told me point blank that if she relapses, she won't go through the process again.

I doubt that anything anyone tells you will help right now. You just have to go through the grieving process. It's okay to cry with your close friends, accept hugs, tell people thank you when they say that they're sorry for your loss.

One of my friends lost her dad, and I wrote her a note telling her that no one was truly gone as long as people remembered them. She told me a few years later that my note really helped her.

Many people sent me emails and I copied and pasted them into a Word document to go back to later. I only went back once, cried a lot as I read through them, but I have them and I know that if I ever need to read them, that they are there.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

8 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Something my aunt said was that it was hardest when people left. The first weeks were busy, but then it was quiet and just her and her youngest child (then a toddler). People don't know what to do, so maybe say, "Friend, I'm having a tough day. Can my daughter join you at the park so she can get out while I have a good cry?" Or "I just can't mow the lawn. I could really use a teenager to do it." Or "My dad is having a tough time with the yardwork right now. Does anyone have a free afternoon?"

Everyone grieves his or her own way. If your dad is nearby, I'd visit or invite him over, and if he's not, I'd call.

7 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.. I can only speak of how it felt when I lost my father who announced it about eight weeks before his death that he had cancer. I still sit sometimes and cry hot tears, and gulping. So sorry. Do you have a pet? I am not really a pet person but I found the dog before and even the one we have now were wonderful because I bury my face in their fur and they didn't tell me to toughen up or that I'd get over it. You don't really. You just find you can live. So sorry.

7 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Nothing helps right now. But just know that it will get better. Take one day at a time, and maybe in 18 months you'll be able to think about her without your heart trying to separate itself from your body. It will get better, eventually. One thing that was a relief to me on the night of his death was excusing myself from my family, and telling them not to be frightened by what they heard. I then went outside and keened. It was instinctive, and I had never done it before, but I knew the sound to others would be distressing. I just had to. It woke up birds and animals and frightened children, but without doing it I felt I would burst. It was a great release.

7 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.W.

answers from Portland on

Allissafey,

I am so sorry for your loss.

When I have grieved deaths, time has been the greatest comforter of all. Lots of time to grieve. Be kind to yourself. My girlfriend's father passed about a year ago and while her life is busy with two youngsters, she finds that she grieves in the 'down time'; those spaces life makes for this.

Please take good care of yourself. Your mother and father's relationship sounds very blessed and that's going to be a wonderful memory when it doesn't hurt so much.

My thoughts are with you.

7 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I'm so sorry for your loss.
There's nothing really that anyone can say to make it any easier.
(And many people fear saying anything that might make you feel worse.)
Sometimes a loved one dies after a long drawn out battle with a disease and sometimes it happens unexpectedly (like a sudden heart attack) - it's a shock either way.
You have a huge hole in your life right now and it's going to hurt for a long while.
Many people feel the first year or two is the worst as anniversaries and holidays go by but some people will grieve for years.
There is no set time table for grieving.
Eventually you'll be able to remember the happier times and smile instead of bursting into tears.

7 moms found this helpful

T.N.

answers from Albany on

Ugh, oh no, I'm so very sorry.

I wish I could come sit with you and take care of all the things you're about to struggle with for you.

Sending you great strength, a WALL of strength, from a million enduring women.

:(

7 moms found this helpful

F.W.

answers from Danville on

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I second the idea about grief support groups. Our hospice group here is pretty active, and also has activities for grieving younger children. Also, there are often programs at local churches that you may want to look into.

If 'in person' groups are not your thing, there are some online groups you may want to check out...Safehaven is one. It was begun by a widower I think, but people there have had all kinds of losses. There are some good forums and info, but also live chat.

Another is a bereavement room for live chat at 'healthfulchat.org'.

Just be aware that there can be some 'sick' people in live chat, but many more helpful ones that will understand what you are going through.

And, I have to say, the only thing that really helps is the 'tincture of time'...and healing will take place...just in YOUR own time!

(((((cyber hugs))))) to you and your family.

7 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.M.

answers from Phoenix on

I am so sorry. I went through something very similar with one of my dads. He had some minor health issues for several years that no one figured out were warning signs. He completed hiking the Appalachian trail in the summer, was diagnosed with cancer in February and died 3 weeks later. It was such a shock- we all thought that he would have some treatments and then get better, but that just wasn't how it worked out.
It is so very hard at first. I know it just feels like you will never be able to have a normal day again, but you will get there eventually.
Everyone is different, so give yourself permission to do whatever works for you to cope. For me, in the beginning, I had to focus on the fact that while I was in pain, he wasn't. I am not a religious person, so I do not believe that he is in heaven or some specific afterlife, and I have no idea if I will ever see him again in any form, but I do know that he is not suffering. So for me, I had to focus on the fact that I was being "selfish," focusing on my own suffering rather than the end of his. I also tried to focus on the present and my kids, trying to appreciate being with them and loving them and watching them grow, knowing that everything can be lost so easily.
As time went on, I was able to focus on memories. I wore his wedding ring on a chain for a while and did things that I knew he liked- from getting ice cream to going to a hockey game. I looked at old photos and talked to my sister more than I had in years. Just recently, about two years later, I have some of his furniture in our house. The vast majority of the time I can think about him and smile or even roll my eyes :) There are still times when I cry, remembering that he won't see my sister get married or my kids graduate from high school, and I doubt that will ever go away. I don't really want it to.

Hug your kids, your family, your friends, and do what you need to do to survive this first wave of shock and pain, then look to your future and live it in a way that would make your mother proud.

7 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was 11 years old. It is painful at any age. You have my sympathy.

7 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Hugs to you. It hurts a lot.

6 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

O.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

I'm so sorry.
It is said that a mothers death is the first loss we grieve alone.
It will take time.
You will go through the steps of grief.
Here is some information.

A grieving person passes through seven stages (Recover-from-grief.com). They may occur in any order, and some stages may occur simultaneously. They are: 1) shock and denial, an attempt to avoid pain by denying the loss; 2) pain and guilt, a period of devastating pain and feelings that life is chaotic; 3) anger and bargaining, including emotional outbursts that can permanently damage relationships and attempts to bargain with a higher power for relief from the emotional pain; 4) depression and loneliness, or a period of reflection during which the person realizes the full impact of the loss; 5) upward turn, when the person begins to adjust to the loss; 6) reconstruction of life without the loved O.; and 7) acceptance and hope. Acceptance does not imply happiness. Instead, the grieving person can now reminisce about the loved O. with sadness, but without intense emotional pain.
It can take any length of time, but we need to grieve completely.
Again, so sorry. All the best.

6 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.I.

answers from Little Rock on

I am so sorry for your loss. When I was also 32, my dad died about 2.5 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer - he was only 63. It was shocking and I just wasn't ready to say goodbye.

I didn't find anything comforting at that time that people said to me. I appreciated anyone who would spend time with me and let me just talk, if I needed to. I relied on my brother a lot because he knew how I was feeling and could best relate. The vast majority of my friends had no idea how I felt because they hadn't been through it so they struggled with how to provide support.

When I was ready, I found a grief support group offered through a local hospice organization. I found that very helpful and would recommend it.

I am so sorry for your loss.

6 moms found this helpful

C.V.

answers from Columbia on

For our family, just doing things for one another and talking about our loss helped us. Talking about the wonderful person they were, and laughing. Enjoying pictures. Remembering.

Above all, tell everyone how much you love them. Life is precious and fleeting.

Remember, your mom isn't far away. She's as close to you as a breath. If you speak to her, she'll hear you.

6 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.C.

answers from Detroit on

I am very sorry for your loss. It is a very difficult part of life. There is no set way on how to deal with grief as we all handle it differently. One of the most valuable lessons I learned was to allow myself permission to grieve. It's okay to cry and break down if you need...she is your mom, a very special person in your life.

What also helped me was the support of family, friends, and my church. Be supportive to your dad and siblings. There is strength in numbers. As time goes on, you will adjust. There are many great grief support groups out there that can be very helpful.. Find one if you need. Take one day at a time; it's easier to manage loss that way.

Keeping you in my prayers.

6 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

My deepest sympathy goes out to you and your family. When my father died there weren't words of encouragement that helped me. I do wish I had gone to grief counseling. This maybe something to consider. Sometimes it's hard for use to deal with a sudden loss of a parent. Right now try to give your father as much encouragement and support as you can without neglecting yourself. You will need time to grieve.

6 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have nothing to offer accept my deepest condolences and a big virtual <<hug>>.

:'(

6 moms found this helpful

C.B.

answers from Reno on

so so sorry for your loss.
big hugs and many blessings

5 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

I'm sorry for your loss.

As Nervy Girl said, time eases the pain. I envy you in that you had 32 years with your mom while I had 9. Right now all of you are in a state of shock and loss. Do your best to ride out the initial waves of both and then find a new routine to do. Your mom and memory will flood you daily in many ways you will not be able to understand but she will be there.

Think of all of the good you two did and some of the bad including your fights growing up and smile. If you have photos make up an album if you have tapes with her voice make extras to keep so you can play them and reminisce. There will be times you will cry and not know why or at a time when you wonder why? But you will be all right.

Grieving takes time and there is no set number. Know that she is in peace and happy. Know that you will come through this and be stronger. Remember there will be holes in your heart but you will survive. Have faith in yourself and what you can accomplish. You will make it.

If you have a home, plant a tree so that you can go out and talk to your mom when you need. Just something small that will grow in time just like the love for your mom and the love for your kids.

Love on your dad as he is also at a loss at this time in his life. He has you and any siblings that you have to help him go through this as well.

My heart goes out to you and your family at this time. If you are out on a walk and there is a breeze or a scent that you can't explain, it will be your mom letting you know that she is with you. Trust me it just happens.

the other S.

5 moms found this helpful

D.D.

answers from New York on

I'm so sorry. To get that terrible cancer diagnosis and then die a week later was such a shock for your family. I can't image how to pick up the pieces and move on.

The only advice I'll give you is it's ok to feel however you feel. If you are sad, mad, upset, depressed it's all normal and ok. If you are sad and cry for 2 weeks or 2 yrs it's ok. There's no time limit on grief and you really never truly 'get over' it. As time goes on the hurt lessens and you find a new normal with those left behind. Be loving and kind to those you love and remember that they are grieving in their own way and that's ok.

5 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.S.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

5 moms found this helpful

M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

I am so very sorry for your loss.

The only person I have lost unexpectidly was a brother, not my parents. I'm not sure if the pain will be the same, but if it's anything like what I dealt with last year, my heart aches for you. It was the most painful emotional thing of my life to date.

What helped me was talking about him, all of the good things and good times. I allowed myself to go through all of the emotions as they came up (hurt, anger, sadness, emptiness, joy, etc). I think if I had felt bad about any of them it may have made it worse for me.

Time really is the best thing, and rejoincing in her life with others who loved her.

I am so very sorry for your loss :(.

5 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.W.

answers from Redding on

I am so sorry for your loss, sadly so many of us can relate ; ( My mom died at 49 (I was 30, its been just under 3 yrs). It was painful and it sucked. My advice to you is dont rush yourself...let yourself grieve...truely grieve. I am a STRONG person who doesnt show weakness, is the glue in my family etc...and I will tell you that you WILL grieve...its just a matter of when. So might as well do it now then suffer for months/yrs and then grieve.

I think seeing the other people in my family hurt was one of the hardest things for me. My sister (who is a couple yrs younger) took it harder and took a lot longer to adjust to life without mom. In my case, my dad took it the hardest. I mean, his ENITRE life just got turned upside down. He no longer had someone to wake up to, eat dinenr with, go grocery shopping, clean the house etc. He was in a bad place for about 2 yrs, and I worried about him so much. But thank the lord he has finally found a new norm and is "happy" again. My advice is keep an eye on your dad...its going to be toughest for him unfortunatly. And dads are TOUGH...they are not usually emotional people, so its a little harder to figure them out.

The hardest part like another has mentioned...is that one minute I was just fine...and the next random moment I was balling. But know that as time goes on, it WILL get easier...even thought it may not seem that way now. I remember crying, crying, crying...and I am NOT a cryer. But I literally couldnt hold it in. But to my suprise, crying 24 hrs a day, soon turned into a few hrs a day, which turns into a few cryouts a week, and before you know it, its been a month. Its just the beauty of time.

Its been almost 3 yrs, and I still miss my mom dearly. I still go to the phone to call, and then realize I cant. I know its tough and doesnt seem fair...but it WILL get easier. Take care, and sorry again for your loss.

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.R.

answers from Cleveland on

I am very sorry. I am fortunate to not have first hand experience but a friend lost her mother in a similar way and similar age. Since she's not a really close or "old" friend, I never knew how much to do or to try to talk to her about it. But I would have been happy to if I knew she wanted to. So if you're the type of person who will want to grieve with others, don't hesitate to ask even not close friends for an ear or to go for a walk or anything. They will be flattered and I'm sure want to help. But so many I think, like me, just don't know what to do so we don't do much. It doesn't mean we don't care and aren't thinking of you. I hope you get the support you need. My friend also had her children go to a children's grief group which seemed to really help them. I'm not sure how old your children are... Hers were about 6 and 8 at the time. Her oldest seemed to really benefit. Best wishes.

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.N.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last year. Unexpectedly also. What I know from this is sometimes words don't help. I know for me, some of the things people said actually made it worse. Or made me mad. And to an extent they still do. I found for me, just having a person there helped me enough. I would suggest grief counseling. Everyone told me that time would help, and so far I find this to be a lie. You will have good days and bad days. Just make sure that you have someone just to be there, even if they don't know what to say. And remember, through this, you don't always have to be the strong one. You are grieving too. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.L.

answers from Las Vegas on

I am sorry for your loss.. It's not easy to lose someone you adore.. When my FIL died, it was that way... However, what we did and still do is talk about our feelings, both good and sad... Sometimes, people and families shutdown and no one dare speak about the person who passed, in fear they will upset someone else who is also grieving... Also, no one will utter the word death or died... For us, being so open about it all has allowed us to better honor my fil.. oh sure, we were all sad at first (esp my MIL) who adored her husband and was married to him for 50 years.. she took it the hardest, that's for sure.. on the other hand, she did have 50 GREAT years with him, that is no consolation perse, but having the awareness that you were so blessed is actually a blessing in and of itself..
my best advice is to allow yourself to grieve.. the saddness doesn't go away over night and it may come and go in spells.... but that is grief... it's also your mind's way of healing... in that if grief hit you all at once, you might not be able to take it all in... so as it comes up, validate your feelings.. you can show your children by example that it's ok to express one's feelings... and that it's ok for them to express how they feel... It's my opinion that if we stay all clammed up about death and internalize our sadness, it does come out in other ways... perhaps it might be eating more, or lashing out in anger, working longer hours.. anything to numb the pain and not feel the hurt... I once read that the best way out is always through............. I think nothing could be truer.. you have to allow yourself to go through all the emotions involved...
I wish you and your family blessings...

4 moms found this helpful

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

Alissafey,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on September 18, 2013, a mere six days after she was diagnosed with beyond stage 4 pancreatic cancer with transfer to liver and kidneys. I was able to, along side my father, sister and brother, care for my mom until her dying breath. IT was extremely stressful as we cared for her hoping the doctor's were wrong.

What helps? Time. Memories. Keep her memory alive with your kids... show her things she made or did. Tell them of funny things you did together... what your mom taught you...

We had a celebration of life in September with friends from their neighborhood. There was so much laughter, tears and wonderful memories that were shared. My mom made blue jean blankets and yummy goodies at Thanksgiving and Christmas... and the neighborhood kids ALWAYS came to my parents house for Halloween... she LOVED Halloween!

The last weekend in June, we spread her ashes. It opened up the wounds again. We spread them with her sisters at a family reunion. She was the baby of six and all of her older siblings would have had a hard time traveling the 1700 miles to my parents home...

My parents were married for 56 years and in love for 60. They did everything together. My dad is having a hard time adjusting to life without his wife. This is NOT how they planned their life...

What helped me and my family most? People sharing their memories of my mom. Bringing their blue jeans blankets by for everyone to see... share how or why she made it for them... asking for her recipes so they could make some goodies at Christmas.

Breathe. Remember to breathe. Remember to take care of yourself. Take this to heart... your mom, like my mom? Didn't suffer long or was in much pain. Know she is with you every day.

May her memory be eternal.... may your family be comforted by wonderful memories as you grieve your loss of your dear mother.

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.B.

answers from Minneapolis on

For my father-in-law, he joined a grief group in his town, and they used a book called "The Group I Never Wanted To Join" and it was helpful to him. Otherwise, I've got nothing for you. Everyone is so unique, and handle things in their own way. Definitely ask people for what you want - company, meeting for coffee, a date to go through condolence cards or work at her house (cleaning out her closet...)
We lost my FIL a year later, the only good thing was that he was well-prepared, legally, etc. My mom also just died - for me, that was a whole different scenario - her loss was completely different in feelings, etc. Sorry, I'm rambling now - best wishes to you, you sound very healthy in describing your relationships, hang on to that.

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.G.

answers from Dallas on

I am sorry for your loss. My advice to you is to do your due dilligence and get checked regularly for whatever kind of cancer your mother had, so you don't get it, too. Eat healthy, exercise, talk to your doctor, and make sure you are doing everything you possibly can (preventative) so you don't get your mom's cancer. Best wishes.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.N.

answers from Chicago on

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. I think this strikes a chord in many of us that have lost one of the key people in their lives. It is painful and sometimes feels unbearable.

Ithink people deal with it very differently. I lost my sister and father at different times in my life, and both suddenly. I was comforted by talking about them to the other people that loved them. It was a process of feeling raw emotions and getting thru the day. I cried with people and privately.

Keep talking about your mom with your dad and family. Talk about funny things she did or said. Talk about what you miss the most. Talk about how sad you are.

Grieving is hard work. Take care of each other as you all experience it in your own way. The intense pain eases with time and the good memories remain.

I wish you comfort on your journey.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.F.

answers from New York on

I lost my mother oddly and expectedly cancer at the age of 69 just a few months shy of her 70th birthday. I was planning a huge celebration for it too. I was almost 45. Like you I was grateful for the years we had together but the profound sense of loss could have been overwhelming if I let it.

My faith helped me deal with the hurt and loss. Also I never dismissed what I was feeling but I also didn't allow it to overtake me. There were still things to do and places to go and people to see and life to live even without my mom. She was my best friend.

After her passing I had good days and bad days. When I had bad days I would just break those down to minute by minute and look forward to a better tomorrow. I would acknowledge this was a bad day and cry if needed or deal with my feelings and the next day feel just a little better.

What really helps even now, is remembering and talking about the good times. My mom was the funniest person I knew. She made us all laugh so I actively seek things that make me laugh and I laugh often. It helps. It is also what she would have wanted me to do, keep living.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray this helps.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.D.

answers from Detroit on

Very sorry for your loss. My dad passed a few months before he would have been 60. I didn't handle it well, in fact upon my return to work (after the company allowed 3 dats bereavement) I had to run to the bathroom in tears at the mere thought of my dad. Some of the bright memories were the excellent people at the funeral home who gave us a special episode of sesame street on DVD that focused on grief. They also gave us some heart shaped ornaments the kids colored in and were included in the casket. They were amazing. We also had a balloon relese that was beautiful and the kids were able to write messages on the balloons before releasing them to heaven. At the memorial banquet our cousins invited us to a BBQ at their home the following weekend. It was something I normally would have refused (so kind, but I'll be fine) but we went and it was very nice. My aunt and uncle were telling some of my dad's funny stories.
Christmas was always my dads favorite time of the year so we still cook his favorite meals etc.
We also participate in the local American Cancer Society relay for life. It's a fun, active way to remember him, while also honoring cancer survivors and families.
My dad chose to be cremated, so my brothers and I joke that each year we will go on a vacation and spread his ashes. Pick a nice destination each year and go-we haven't done it yet, but it's not really a joke. Just something we'd like to do-perhaps when all the grandkids are old enough to understand.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.F.

answers from San Francisco on

First I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. If I could impart anything at all on someone going through a terrible loss, it would be this....Do it at your own pace and your own way. If you need more time, take it. If you find you are angry, accept it. People with good intentions want to see you feeling better and be "ok" as soon as possible because they don't know how to help. But know that you will be "ok" some time in the future, but maybe not yet. You need to give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling and be sure to acknowledge your children's feelings too, or help them put a label on it so they can identify what they are feeling. I lost twins in a miscarriage, these were babies I wanted for years and years and finally was so excited an happy, probably the happiest I had been in years about them. Then I was soooo sad. Loss is private and no one can tell you how to do it, though I had plenty of people try. When the grief was overwhelming I used a distraction to take my mind off of the pain. It helped me to cope. With the loss of the babies I fixated on "The Ghost Whisperer" not really sure why but I would get lost in two or three episodes a night. I did this for three weeks straight till I had seen them all twice or more if it was one I loved. A few years later I went to go watch an episode just because I knew it was a comfort to me, and strangely enough it didn't have the same draw and comfort as it did then. I think however you cope, as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, is "ok".

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.L.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I'm so sorry. When you know that death is going to come, it's hard enough; when it happens unexpectedly, it throws you for a loop.

My DIL'S dad died last year. They were extremely close. Although her stepmother (who helped raise her) is still living and they have a wonderful relationship, it was her daddy who took care of her after her mother was killed by a drunk driver when DIL was a baby. She was his only child. She considered him practically her best friend, and she still misses him every day.

My mother, on the other hand, died two weeks before her 98th birthday. Her health had been declining, so we knew it was just a matter of time. Even so, there was a huge hole that seemed devastating. Time has made everything easier, as time does, but you don't forget - you adjust.

This is the best time for you to start recording (writing or speaking into a recorder or both) all the memories of your mother and all your family history that you know. Don't worry about doing it in any order - that can be taken care of later - just get it all down! Stock up on some hankies because you'll probably cry as you do it, but do it. Get your dad to talk into a microphone about your mother.

Pick his brains. Write up a list of questions to get him started; make the questions one you think a child might ask! That helps get the details out. The towns where your mother lived at different times are one thing, but you also want to think about what the house she grew up in was like, what she ate for breakfast, what she did at school, what she did after school, what music she liked as a teen - anything you can remember her talking about. While you're at it, get your dad's history, too.

I found this a great project to help ease my feelings when my father died suddenly. It has been more than thirty years since that happened (I was 32 then, by the way), and I'm so glad all these things were written down before my mother started forgetting them.

Do you have older friends in your neighborhood or perhaps at your church (if you have one)? Would an older woman whom you love and respect be willing to be your other mama for a while? It's very comforting to have an older woman to turn to sometimes.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

I'm truly sorry for your loss. We just lost my Father in Law very unexpectedly. We are still dealing with the loss. My Mother in Law is NOT doing well after finding her husband in the morning.

How are we dealing? One day at a time. Each of us have our own way of dealing with grief. My 4 boys each had a different relationship with their grandfather. My oldest had a special one as my father in law was VERY helpful when we were dealing with teenage issues and him hanging with a bad crowd.

There are many stages to grieving and they don't always go in the "order" that is listed. You might be angry one day and something else the next and some people fluctuate between the stages. It's hard.

Cry when you need to cry. Laugh when you need to laugh. Share memories!

I'm really sorry for your loss!!

2 moms found this helpful
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions