March 04, 2011,
E.D. asks from Leawood, KS on November 22, 2008
Adult Daughter Grieving for Lost Parent
Hi Everyone! This request may sound a bit odd for a "Mamma's" page, but you all are such good and caring listeners that I thought someone might be able to help..... I am the youngest child of 6, and the closest to my father. Dad and I always had a special bond because I am his only daughter and "the baby". He and I knew what each other was feeling and knew just the right thing to say when life was hard. He was my rock and best friend. I spoke to him everyday and shared all life's joys and sorrows - the big and little.
Dad passed away last June. I was with him, holding his hand and looking into his eyes as he took his last breath. I miss him every day. 6 months have passed and I miss him more with each passing day. I miss his voice, his laugh, his excitement when I'd tell him tales of his beautiful granddaughter, his advice, his calm.... I can't seem to stop hurting. I can't seem to stop crying.
I guess my question for you is... what do I do? How can I stop the pain? Some days are better than others. My job, my husband and daughter all keep me busy. But even though my life is full, It almost makes it harder - I want to tell Dad all about "it" and he's not here. He'll never be here again. I probably sound ridiculous to you - I'm a grown woman who can't stop being sad over her father's death. Dad lived a long and happy life (he was 88), I was going to face this one day, so why can't I just get over it? I guess I never thought it would hurt this much.... any suggestions?
So What Happened?™
I want to thank you all for your loving responses. I felt your genuine support and caring during this incredibly hard time.
Just to update you.... My mother, who had been lost without my father for the last 6 months, passed away on December 30th. She died quickly and painlessly from a heart attack. An amazing thing about her passing was that she and Dad were together on their 49th anniversary on December 31st! Knowing that neither one of them had to be without their love on their anniversary has brought me great comfort. I will miss both of them more than I could ever say, but I know they are at peace and TOGETHER. Now it's time for me to heal. I have decided to talk to someone professionally. I think losing both parents in 6 months is a bit beyond "doing it yourself". I'd love suggestions of counselors/therapists in the Overland Park area!
Thank you, again, for caring so much!!! Bless you all!
J.P. answers from Kansas City on November 24, 2008
My brother died a year ago June. He was only 25 and we did not get to say our goodbyes. I really struggled with the loss, until a friend pointed out to me that my love for him did not die with him. I could love him any time I wanted. I can't say that the pain goes away, but when it comes I just acknowledge it and then say (sometimes outloud) "I love you, Chris, and I really miss you." I know in my heart that he hears. Blessings to you.
K.S. answers from Kansas City on November 24, 2008
I can so relate! November 17th was the 11th anniversary of my dad's death. He had a sudden heart attack at age 71 and it was on a Monday. I re-lived the day on the 17th. I still miss him and because I was in an abusive marriage at the time, dad was my unconditional love and we were very close! I thought I would never smile again, I wondered why the sun was shining and people were going about their lives when I was in so much emotional pain. Please trust me when I say that it does get easier to bear. Six months is still too fresh. You haven't lived through a year of birthdays and anniversaries yet. Give yourself time. It helps to journal. Write letters to your dad, have the kids draw pictures and put them in an album. I could not have gotten through it without immersing myself in God's word. Let God be your father and rest in His arms. Grief will come in waves and when you least expect it. Don't try to stop it. Today is my mother's birthday and when I saw her on Saturday, my college age daughter asked her about when grandad proposed and she brought out pictures of when they were dating. Most of all, talk about your dad. Don't keep your love for him and your grief to yourself. Hope this helps in some way; I will pray for you.
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A.P. answers from Kansas City on November 23, 2008
I think it's beautiful that you and your dad had such a close bond. I never did with my dad, and most of my sorrow after he died was/is wishing we had a better relationship. So I think your pain is normal, healthy, and crying is cathartic. I think the sorrow and grief you feel even 5 months later is merely a testament to how much he means to you.
So cry, and know it's okay to be sad for a long time. But I have a feeling he is still listening if you want to tell him about his grandkids.
K.S. answers from Kansas City on November 23, 2008
I'm so sorry for your loss. What a special bond you had. I don't have any great ideas altho I will say time does help. Sounds trite but my mom died 6 years ago and I still moss her daily. Juat not with such a searing pain. blessings to you.
K.B. answers from Austin on November 22, 2008
Oh I'm so sorry for your loss and your grief. Your grief doesn't sound ridiculous at all! I don't think you should feel bad about it and I'm not sure there's really much you can do about it but grieve and work through the pain and loss. Its a natural process and usually time makes it easier. I doubt your grief will ever go away but it will lessen and then you can remember him fondly and not feel so much pain at his memory. Its normal with the holidays coming up that you'll miss him even more so be prepared to have some mood swings over the holidays. If it starts interfering with your life and you feel like you're depressed all the time, then by all means seek counseling. Maybe even a grief support group might help you at this point too. It may help you feel more normal about what pain you're feeling if you talk to others who are going through it as well. Again, I'm sorry about your loss.
K.J. answers from Kansas City on November 23, 2008
My parents are both gone. They died in 1985 and 1993. I am still grieving. Sounds like you had a sweet relationship. Some of the things I did: I made a photo album with pictures and stories for my children I have some of my favorite pictures around. I did not want to forget. I wanted my children to know them. I had a really hard time and sometimes I am mad and sad still. It gets easier but I think it is always there. One thing I do know is you can't will yourself to get over it. It is a process. Is there anyone you can adopt to listen to your wonderful life, it may not help but it may. Allow yourself time. Celebrate the beautiful man that your father was. Do what you need to do and be the kind of mommy to your little girl that your daddy was to you. God grant you peace. From a mommy and daddy little girl also....
A.S. answers from Kansas City on November 24, 2008
Hi E. -
First I wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. Like many of the other women have said, you are so lucky to have had a close bond with your dad.
I just wanted to say to you not to limit yourself with a time frame to be "over" this. Grief can't tell time. You hurt, you need to get it out. Talk about him, smile about the memories, and cry once a day for the rest of your life if you need to!!
I lost my brother 9yrs ago, and I can promise you eventually the pain won't be so sharp, but the loss will always there.
T.W. answers from Kansas City on November 25, 2008
Start keeping a journal dedicated to "your dad" and tell him about your day in it? Also, talk to your doctor about some anti-depressant medication just to get you through these tough times. It doesn't mean you will need the medication for the rest of your life. You could also try joining a chat group of people that are facing the same situations. Take care and God Bless :)