Grandparents Tormenting a 2 Yr Old?

I am a mother of three girls 15, 14 and 12 years old. Kids that are two should either be completely ignored when they are throwing a fit, or should be removed to another room to throw their fit, and told can come back when they are done. Removing them sometimes becomes a battle in and of itself so I recommend completely ignoring them. But that means completely and by everyone in the room that knows them.

I would explain this to your in-laws and tell them that you are trying to help your child get over this stage as soon as possible and ask for their help. Tell them that you want them to completely ignore your child when your child exhibits certain behaviors and explain that if they respond to those behaviors at all they are actually reinforcing them. If they are incapable of doing that I would limit my child's exposure to them... don't have them over for dinner, but take them with you when you go to the park (where hopefully your child will be so busy that throwing fits will never be an issue). I think it is completely ridiculous and immature of your in-laws to call your child names - when has name calling ever helped a child? My husband used to be defensive about his parents also and that is a tough situation. The best thing that I ever did was to let me husband take the kids to see the in-laws alone and let him deal with any situations that arose. He became more aware of his parent's shortcomings, and became a better parent around his parents each time that situation occurred. It was hard on me to do that sometimes because my imagination ran wild about all of the bad things that could happen to my kids, but nothing bad really happened and my husband became much more engaged and aware when he had to deal with parenting on his own.

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first of all I feel your pain for some reason my family (especially my bros) can tease relentlessly even if she is tired and has a good reason for being in a bad mood but they are my family so it is easier for me to say things to them like "please stop making it worse she's three" also they used to do it to me when we were younger to get a rise out of me I am sure your in-laws did this to your husband as well and this is why he doesn't see a prob. with it but there is and he needs to understand it also keep an eye out for this behavior from your husband as well since he doesn't see it as wrong he may also start but I definitely think that it would be a good idea for you to defend you daughter during these attacks and say "please she just woke up and she will be in a good mood soon but not if you keep harassing her"

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It sounds as though the grandparents get frustrated with the 2-year old's behaviour and then react in inappropriate ways. I would talk to them and tell them "I understand that my child is pushing all of your buttons. Maybe it's better for us not to come over, because we are bothering you". Talk about it. I don't like it either when I see children acting like this. Also, they are no longer around children, so their tolerance level has gone way down. I would suggest not visiting until the 2-year old's behaviour improves, or that the grandparents agree not to engage your son this way any more and make the visits short. Also, your son needs to have boundaries, and needs to have major discipline. I love the Nanny show because it has lots of ideas on how to improve behaviour like this.

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Oh my goodness! Shame on them. Your husband probably shrugs it off because it is the norm that he grew up with so he sees nothing wrong with it.

We have tried to emphasize the Golden Rule in our family - treat others the way you want to be treated. At two, it's hard for your daughter to understand it, but those disruptive grandparents sure are old enough to get it! I'd remind them that the child is two and developmentally not able to express her emotions as articulately as an adult. I'd then ask them to please find kind words to say and display kind actions toward her to model the desired behaviors and communication style for your daughter and encourage your daughter to learn appropriate behavior and more effective ways to express herself than whining. If they can't then the good old stand by of not saying anything at all should apply. Also, you might look into a magazine called North Star Family Matters - the articles focus on raising empowered children and parenting methods to help your child grow up empowered. Communication is often a focal point of their topics and I have found their material to be very helpful in raising my boys (5 and 7 yo). Good luck!

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Does your husband notice this issue? It is his mother, maybe he could mention how it bothers you all when they do this. If they are unwilling to change then maybe going over there is not in the best interest of your family. If seeing you 3 is important to the grandma, then maybe this is something she'll work on. Good luck.

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I would try to avoid them. Try to suggest to your husband that he can go visit his Mom by himself. If your husband is defensive you'll have to upset someone if you want them to stop. It may take a while for him to see what is going on and that it is unhealthy and not normal behavior. I had a friend whose husband couldn't see a similar situation for a year. Keep at it. You want healthy reactions to your child.

It worries me when you say step-grandpa has no sense of personal space. I wouldn't want to leave my child in his care ever for fear of him being a predator. I was abused so forgive me for bringing it up. I felt the need to write down my gut reaction to your question.

jem-mom to seven

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I would say that you need to stop worrying so much about upseting anyone. You can't make everyone happy so I think you need to focus on achieving your goal. That's not to say that you should be obnoxious or rude or anything like that - but I do believe that you need to set very firm boundaries and I do believe you need to protect your child. It would be best if your husband were to do this. They are his parents and, frankly, it's his job to protect you and your daughter. But if he won't do it, then you have to.

If I were in your situation, I would sit down with the hubby in a calm setting and explain the problem. (No emotion. No accusations. Just a very simple statement of the undisputed facts.) Then I would explain what I would like for him to do. ("Honey, the next time something like this happens I need for you to let your mom know that she is not permitted to call our daughter names and/or we would appreciated it if she would stop antagonizing the two year old.") Then I would explain what I would do if HE wouldn't step up. ("Honey, I know that it's hard for you to stand up to your parents but this kind of thing just can't continue. Your daughter and I are feeling miserable every time we are around them. If you don't want to say anything to them the next time this happens, then I will. And, if they don't start treating us with more respect after I speak with them about this then I would just prefer to cut back on the time we spend with them - but I would really appreciate your help in preventing this."

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That is so aggravating. She knows she's being targeted but doesn't have the words or strategy to defend herself. Unfortunately you are the only one she can rely on to protect her in this situation. Your instincts are correct; you must do more *and so must dad*. He needs to see the broader picture here. If they were pinching her under the table, or refusing her food, would he let them continue? If he lets them continue, how far will he allow them to escalate it?

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I am a grandmother and am appalled that a grandparent would do that. What you are experiencing is the "mama bear syndrome". It is very natural. I even experience it with my grandkids. I don't know if the grandparents live near by or they just visit now and then. First, I would explain to my husband that is is not exceptable, then offer him the chance to tell his parents first. If he doesn't (could be he was raised hearing the same things and is numb to it's affects on children)then let him know that you must take the lead on it then and have the discussion. I would use "I" statements with the grandparents, ex; "I have a problem with the words you are using when talking to my children." "We don't use that type of talking around the children-so please don't use it when you are around them either." "I want you to have time with the children, but only if you change the way you talk to them, because it is unacceptable." If that type of conversation doesn't work, then unfortunately, your children are more important to you than the relationship with the granparents, and you will have to limit their time together. You might have to tell them, that if that type of talk is said in your presence, you will immediately reprimand them- offer them a bar of soap for their mouth or some such thing. I am sorry for this stress you have endured, but stop it soon or that type of talk with come out of your children's mouths and their self-esteem will take a big hit. I am a counselor at a college and am a very present "Mom" to my adult children and Gramma to my grandkids. You have to be a strong mom and your kids need to know that you will do anything to protect them. Good luck. C.

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There are some good answers here already. I would say that the best time to deal with the inlaws is not in the middle of the ordeal. Remove her from the situation until she can behave calmly. Talk to your inlaws with your husband if you are comfortable doing this, but not in front of the child if possible. It is important that they know this upsets you. If they don't respect your wishes, inform them that they don't have to agree with you, but you are the mother, they had their turn, and you will not subject your daughter to this, and will not bring her over for a given amount of time. When you do bring her back, if it continues, you will keep her away again, for longer, until they agree to stop the childish, hurtful behavior. I hope you can get this resolved peacefully.
Blessings,
J.

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Because there is a high level of emotions (everybody) in a situation like this, sometimes the most effective way to make a difference is to write a letter, with the emphasis on "problem solving" NOT just being confrontational

I tried to think of specific suggestions and that is difficult without knowing all the facts ... so I can only suggest that you ... #1 ... keep your words constructive ... you are trying to solve a problem .... NOT exacerbate family interactions.

One specific suggestion: The next time this situation starts to develop, quietly say something like: This has been happening more lately and I want us to be able to be together without troubles like this so I am going to take (your daughter) into her room, so we can all calm down.

The big challenge for you is to NOT let YOUR negative emotions be hooked by THEIR unpleasantness.

Good luck. D. Gayle

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Seeing that this is coming from his parents, it is his job to honor you before his parents. I would talk w/dh alone about how his parents behavior make you and your daughter feel. Explain to him that you and your (plural) dtr are his priority now and you both need him to stand up and defend them. Once he sees how his mother's behavior and words affect you, it is his responsibility to bring this up to his mother 1:1. If after all that she chooses not to honor her son's family he needs to decide if she is safe for his family to be around. gramma may not mean ill intent, but that is how it's being perceived so that is the reality of the receiver. this is very tough, and ultimately your husbands decision.

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Dear M.;
I understand your problem totally..these grandparents need to grow up.
I would totally limit my visits, if any at all..
Plus under no circumstances would I ever leave her with them to baby sit.
Yes, men do become defensive.especially if its there family doing it. You will have to be here protector..or she could grow up feeling not loved..just tormented by them.
If you can..you might start searching for a very reliable sitter..one your child feels comfotable with.If you have to go to there place take her where shes comfortable..

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This is an especially difficult one. I'd take her to another room and hold her until she's fully awake and able to better handle the stress of these words. My brother sometimes does this to my granddaughter and I take her to my room. It is easier for me because we are in my house.

If after talking with your husband, as another mother suggested, and he doesn't defend you and his daughter I'd refuse to go to the grandparent's house if it's likely to be a time that your daughter is cranky and to be seen as a problem by your inlaws. In this instance it's important to protect your daughter from this abusive behavior.

Your husband could tell his parents, while alone with them, that you and he do not talk this way to your daughter and he'd appreciate it for them to refrain. Ultimately he should say that he will not be bringing his daughter to their house if they don't stop putting her down.

I feel strongly about this because my adopted 26 yo daughter still feels hurt because my parents talked this way about her. She came to live with me at age 7 and she was indeed a brat at times but calling her a brat only intensified her brat like actions. Some things are just best left unsaid.

I would stop trying for #2 until I had this resolved. If your husband is oblivous, I'm not sure what you can do.

OH M.!
I was in this EXACT situation when my now 4 year old was 2! Your hubby's father sounds exactly like mine, to a tee. It was absolutely awful when ever they were around (fourtunately they live a few hours away). My son was terrified of them, especially of his grandfather who was pushy, demanding and downright mean. He would also pick up my son at any given time and swing him around dangerously so that he would scream and cry. He would then say, "Oh stop crying, you sound like a little baby". Then he would turn around and say, "Hey! Come here and tell Grandpa you love him!" They were also trying to push thier religion on us and signed us up for a monthly Adventist newsletter. I have never felt hate for a person before then. My son has a book with a family of gorrilas. The grandpa gorilla is holding the baby gorilla on one page and everytime my son would look at the book, he would angrily hit that page and yell, "Naughty Grandpa! No!" Everytime something happened with his grandparents I would point out to not do it and say STOP THAT! and NO! DON'T DO THAT TO HIM! and I was obviously angry but they just wouldn't get it!! It was like talking to a brick wall. Finally, it was time to confront them. My husband supported me fully, but it took a lot of arguments and long talks over a long time for him to stop being defensive, and start seeing what was really going on.
I wrote them a letter.
My husband helped me re-write it so that it was a bit more constructive and little less angry. (I was very angry, it was still angry) I wrote at the end that my hubby went over it with me and agrees with what I wrote.
They wouldn't talk to thier own son for 3 months. After 4 months, they agreed to stop by our house and have a talk. They said some extremely hurtful things to me as we talked it through and they disagreed with everything, and cried because they were convinced my son wouldn't go to heaven because he won't grow up an Adventist.
Two years later, they are completely different around us but it is very akward and uncomfortable still. My son is very respected though and does not remember how much he disliked them. They still talk about and cry about the letter when talking to people behind my back. It is still all about how evil I am, not my husband, who supported everything I said and had a lot to add also.

So my advice to you is confront them as soon as possible. Don't wait until you get even angrier because you become less constructive. Only write them a letter if you feel you won't be able to get your point across without eye rolling and major defense coming from them. Be prepared for thier guilt and hurting words, and try not to let them hurt you.

I truly hope your situation will be different than mine...better. I sympathize more than you can imagine. I wish you strength and a happy family.